I don't think mum wants me home for xmas?

I'm 18, my younger siblings are all under the age of 13.
The reason why we had a massive argument was because went out with my friends on for my 18th birthday, she seemed to be annoyed at this even though we had a family bbq in the afternoon. It finally all blew up one night when I got back home late from work, she had a go, saying I'm never at home. I'm not violent and I never have been. I'd spent all summer working, I was working 13 hour shifts and was knackered when I got home. The days off I had were spent doing lifeguard training.
She is very childish at times and I just feel like I'd rather not be with her for long periods of time, otherwise she gets erratic. She seems to have completely wiped out the fact I was in a hostel for three weeks, its like it never happened! I spent hundreds of pounds on her to go to London with me, see some gigs and spent time together. She asked me to book everything with my card and promised to pay me back but I'm still waiting. By the way, she doesn't contribute a penny while i'm at uni.

Hun, I'm so sorry

I would blank her. She doesn't deserve your company.

I think you should plan a dinner for your mum...apologise eventhough you are not in the wrong... and in a million of years i dnt believe ur mum dont want you home for xmas.... xmas is a family festival and u r one of the family... however, i think you should have spent more time wiv ur mum and you should went wiv ur friends the next day, and spent the first day of ur birthday with ur family... and just hope your mum will contribute some uni money .... i really think this can be solved .... you should take her out on dinner or make a surprise party suggesting she is the best mum in the world...................... and at the end of the day she is still ur mum I hope this has helped... keep me informed

So no, she doesn't deserve my respect. She needs to earn it. I think it's time I pulled myself together and got tougher; in future I'm not being messed around by her. I'm going to press her to pay back the money for the flights & tickets as she promised

Lil zak, I don't think you understand the extent of the damage my mum has caused. Do you think I enjoyed three weeks in a hostel, sleeping in a room with different foreign people every night, with hardly any food? I remember the day she told me to get out; I later came home from work at 11pm to pack my bags. The doors were locked, she knew i didn't have a key. She opened the door, I went to pack and she just said "pack your stuff, be quiet the rest of us are sleeping. Get out tomorrow morning.."
The memories still upset me even now, it doesn't help that I have been diagnosed with manic depression (but I haven't told her).
So no, she doesn't deserve my respect. She needs to earn it. I think it's time I pulled myself together and got tougher; in future I'm not being messed around by her. I'm going to press her to pay back the money for the flights & tickets as she promised, but as for xmas i have no idea.

Hmmm... Tough Situation... Here is my uninformed analysis...

I think that while you need to distance yourself from your mother a little bit, because obviously she isn't too caring, you should make sure that it doesn't escalate to you ignoring her for a couple of years like Princess_Peach suggests.

Basically:
1) Your mum was too possessive and wanted you around her at all times. When she saw this wasn't going to happen, she threw you out, probably with the hope of you begging her to let you back in, and then controlling you. (IMO)
2) You left your house, in the most humiliating way, being degraded (i.e. you leaving the house was less important than everyone sleeping) and left out on your own without a reliable source of income, without a roof above your head and with your university on your mind.
3) You spent a lot of money on accomodation in a hostel and moving into a student hall at your university, without much notice and without her caring about you, or calling you. She clearly didn't mind you suffering a bit.
4) You repaired your relationship with her somewhat, but spent more of your money on her, getting yourself further into debt. You made the effort to repair the relationship with your money. Did she? Now if I was to speculate, I would say she knowingly got you into more debt to increase contact with you and/or your dependency on her for the money. (hope I'm making myself clear)
5) She suggested that you should not spend Christmas at home. If I was to make some more crazy speculations I would say that this was like a "taunt". She is basically saying, IMO, "Look at you now, I bet you wanna spend Christmas in my house, You'll have to work hard for it!"
6) She is your Mother.

So, what should you do? Your objectives here are to:
1) Put your Mother in her place and make her realise that you don't need her
2) Not break contact with her
3) Make sure your other family gets to see you on christmas

First, some comments. She threw YOU out, thinking this was just a little game she was playing. (IMO of course) Or maybe she was mad and didn't think about her. Regardless, let her know her actions will have conseqeuences. Never again spend money on her, and do not move back in, ever. She made her choice. It was humiliating for you, and painful. Don't do more harm to yourself by moving back in. Also, moving back in, will give her back a certain amount of control over you (i.e. she'll be able to threaten you with throwing out again). So, never move back in and do not spend money on her.

Now, about christmas. My suggested course of action would be:

1) Do not spend Christmas at home. Let her know that you do not need her and that you can call the shots, and that if she says anything that you consider to be too daring you're not afraid to pull out. Plus spending christmas in that environment will just ruin your Christmas spirit.
2) Don't speak to her for a while - her actions have consequences - she threw you out, she doesn't spend money on you, she is rude to you and she spent some of your money. She can't just expect you to go back to her at her request!
3) Come to your home, for a day, a week or so before the Christmas period. Talk to any family you have there. Talk to her, but remember, since you are on your own at uni, you don't need to take any flak from her. Stick up for yourself, and walk out if anything escalates.
4) Talk to her from time to time but not too much. Try to sound as if you don't care about her too much (don't let her think you're dying to get back to her).

So, in effect, don't spend christmas at home, show her that if she doesn't want you - you're not dying after her either, and if she doesn't call, you won't either. Try to spend at least a day with your other family, and talk to her after that, but just a bit.

IMO, and I am no psychologist or whatever, I think that this is all about her wanting to put you in her place as a person who has to follow her command. She wants you as hers (as in always with her) and you don't want too much of that. So what you're fighting for is for your status as a person who isn't under her control, and as long as you let her think or feel that you are dependent on her/care about your contact with her, (by moving into the house, hence being financially dependent, or spending money on her, hence being contact-dependent) she will have control. Make sure you win!

Keep your respect, and make her earn hers, and if she doesn't, she's not worthy of that much attention.

Michail

Thanks everyone for your advice; I'm so glad I finally got this off my chest. It's made me really put things into perspective, and made me realise how strong a person I really am, even though I don't think I am at times. I now know I have the confidence to stand up for myself and not take anymore crap.
Thankyou xx

Do you think your Mum is trying to win this situation over by making you ask if you can stay at home with her over the Christmas break?