Struggling after moving home after university

I moved back home after finishing my degree exactly a week ago and I've been really depressed. I had a rough time at university - I didn't move out first year because of COVID, I struggled to adjust to living away in second year, but in third year I really thrived. I lived alone in a studio but I still had a small group of friends who I socialised with. I could eat what I want and when I want, I could sleep when I want, I could go out wherever I want without having to explain myself to anyone...

I am struggling with leaving that freedom behind. I think everyone here at home still thinks I'm the shy and anxious person who left two years ago but actually I've grown so much, especially in the past year. I feel like I'm going to regress back to that person because that is how everyone is treating me. I don't have any friends here and I don't have a job yet, so I'm stuck at home all the time. I only live with my mum, but I still feel suffocated here. I'm so used to privacy and alone time since I lived completely by myself, and it has all disappeared now. She just walks into my room without knocking even when I shut the door because I want privacy, and she comes and talks to me about random stuff when all I want is to be by myself. I haven't said anything to her about it because I'm scared of hurting her feelings, I know she doesn't mean anything bad and she is happy to have me back. But this really isn't the life I want anymore, and I feel panicked at the thought of this being my reality for the foreseeable future :frown:

Reply 1

Zarek

21

Take the advantages for now, get job hunting and then your own accommodation. You’re right, this is what the uni experience prepares you for

Reply 2

Anonymous #2

Original post by Anonymous

I moved back home after finishing my degree exactly a week ago and I've been really depressed. I had a rough time at university - I didn't move out first year because of COVID, I struggled to adjust to living away in second year, but in third year I really thrived. I lived alone in a studio but I still had a small group of friends who I socialised with. I could eat what I want and when I want, I could sleep when I want, I could go out wherever I want without having to explain myself to anyone...

I am struggling with leaving that freedom behind. I think everyone here at home still thinks I'm the shy and anxious person who left two years ago but actually I've grown so much, especially in the past year. I feel like I'm going to regress back to that person because that is how everyone is treating me. I don't have any friends here and I don't have a job yet, so I'm stuck at home all the time. I only live with my mum, but I still feel suffocated here. I'm so used to privacy and alone time since I lived completely by myself, and it has all disappeared now. She just walks into my room without knocking even when I shut the door because I want privacy, and she comes and talks to me about random stuff when all I want is to be by myself. I haven't said anything to her about it because I'm scared of hurting her feelings, I know she doesn't mean anything bad and she is happy to have me back. But this really isn't the life I want anymore, and I feel panicked at the thought of this being my reality for the foreseeable future :frown:

Move back out into a rented flat or house

Reply 3

University of Huddersfield

Official Rep

16

Original post by Anonymous

I moved back home after finishing my degree exactly a week ago and I've been really depressed. I had a rough time at university - I didn't move out first year because of COVID, I struggled to adjust to living away in second year, but in third year I really thrived. I lived alone in a studio but I still had a small group of friends who I socialised with. I could eat what I want and when I want, I could sleep when I want, I could go out wherever I want without having to explain myself to anyone...

I am struggling with leaving that freedom behind. I think everyone here at home still thinks I'm the shy and anxious person who left two years ago but actually I've grown so much, especially in the past year. I feel like I'm going to regress back to that person because that is how everyone is treating me. I don't have any friends here and I don't have a job yet, so I'm stuck at home all the time. I only live with my mum, but I still feel suffocated here. I'm so used to privacy and alone time since I lived completely by myself, and it has all disappeared now. She just walks into my room without knocking even when I shut the door because I want privacy, and she comes and talks to me about random stuff when all I want is to be by myself. I haven't said anything to her about it because I'm scared of hurting her feelings, I know she doesn't mean anything bad and she is happy to have me back. But this really isn't the life I want anymore, and I feel panicked at the thought of this being my reality for the foreseeable future :frown:

Anon,

It's brilliant that after the first year of COVID and a tough second year you were able to thrive in your third year and enjoy your independence : )
It must have been really tough to head home after this. I know when I completed my first degree and headed home, I really struggled to adapt.

It's difficult because your family have not seen all the ways you have grown and developed as a person, and your mum is just happy to have her child back. She has probably missed you more than you realise and wants things to be as they were, whereas you have experienced what life is like having your own place, more privacy and being in control of your day!

Here is some advice.

Try to find a way to get out of the house for part of the day/ week. It might be doing volunteering, joining the gym or a sports club, or just going for a long walk or run. This is one way for you to create your own space.

Try to keep some of your independence and progress by not letting your mum do everything for you. (I am not saying that you should not enjoy some of the benefits from living at home e.g. your mum's cooking, but if you are asking to be treated like an adult but expecting your mum to do your laundry, shopping, cleaning etc then your request to be treated like an adult doesn't make sense.) She may be quite happy to treat you like a child again, but if you show that you are willing to take responsibility for yourself and things around the house, this will help show your mum that you have changed. It will help her understand that you have grown-up and that she needs to treat you like an adult.

Try to make quality time that you spend with your mum. Maybe that's regularly cooking dinner or watching a movie together. This will help her to still feel an important part of your life even as you begin to work and have less time, or even after talking to her about your need for more privacy. (You may need to have this conversation before there is an argument or you end up saying things that you regret!)

Apply for internships and jobs. Try to have a routine. It can be very depressing applying for jobs, especially when you don't hear back from companies or when you get rejections, but the only way you will be able to have more independence in the long run is by being financially independent. So perhaps spend half of the week looking for and applying for jobs and the other half, doing some exercise, getting to know what's happening in your local area and getting involved, and in general, pursuing hobbies that help you feel relaxed and less stressed e.g. playing a musical instrument, reading, drawing etc...

Try and stay in contact with the good friends you made from uni and try to arrange to meet up or to have a good chat on the phone or online, while also thinking about ways to get to know new people in your area. Perhaps you and your mum could join a local choir or volunteer to help at a charity e.g. helping the homeless?

Hope you manage to adapt while you look for work.

Remember this time that you are in, is for a season. Try to find the positives in it!

All the best,

Oluwatosin – 2nd year student – University of Huddersfield

Original post by Anonymous

I moved back home after finishing my degree exactly a week ago and I've been really depressed. I had a rough time at university - I didn't move out first year because of COVID, I struggled to adjust to living away in second year, but in third year I really thrived. I lived alone in a studio but I still had a small group of friends who I socialised with. I could eat what I want and when I want, I could sleep when I want, I could go out wherever I want without having to explain myself to anyone...

I am struggling with leaving that freedom behind. I think everyone here at home still thinks I'm the shy and anxious person who left two years ago but actually I've grown so much, especially in the past year. I feel like I'm going to regress back to that person because that is how everyone is treating me. I don't have any friends here and I don't have a job yet, so I'm stuck at home all the time. I only live with my mum, but I still feel suffocated here. I'm so used to privacy and alone time since I lived completely by myself, and it has all disappeared now. She just walks into my room without knocking even when I shut the door because I want privacy, and she comes and talks to me about random stuff when all I want is to be by myself. I haven't said anything to her about it because I'm scared of hurting her feelings, I know she doesn't mean anything bad and she is happy to have me back. But this really isn't the life I want anymore, and I feel panicked at the thought of this being my reality for the foreseeable future :frown:

Hiya,

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re struggling so much since moving back home. It’s also great to hear that you found a new sense of self while at uni and made so much progress in your personal development! That is definitely something to be proud of.

I haven’t had a similar experience but a few of my friends and family members found the transition of moving back home quite challenging. So I don’t think you’re alone in how you’re feeling.

I would personally suggest sitting your mum down and speaking to her. It’s doesn’t have to be a heated discussion. Just let her know about all the progress you’ve made and that you value your independence and privacy! She’s probably just doesn’t realise that you have changed. Ask her to let you keep your independence and ask her to knock at your door before coming in. You need to find a common ground with her, so you’re both happy.

It’s difficult as you’re not currently working so I’m sure you’d like to get working and start earning some money. Maybe it would be an option to plan moving back to where you was once you’ve saved a bit and can secure a job?

In the meantime, I’d try to plan some meet ups with the friends you’ve moved away from. It’s really important to have things to look forward to and keep them connections.

Maybe joining a local class or club in your area could help you to make some new friends as well.

I hope this helps a bit. Try not to let it get you too down, worrying that you’ll revert back to who you was. Sounds like you put a lot of effort into becoming who you are today, so work hard to keep that! Remember nothing is permanent, if something doesn’t feel right you just need to work through the issue and find some solutions. Even if it’s baby steps, it’s still something!

Good luck! I hope everything works out for you.

Sophie (ARU) :smile:

Reply 5

Lancaster Student Ambassador

Official Rep

15

Original post by Anonymous

I moved back home after finishing my degree exactly a week ago and I've been really depressed. I had a rough time at university - I didn't move out first year because of COVID, I struggled to adjust to living away in second year, but in third year I really thrived. I lived alone in a studio but I still had a small group of friends who I socialised with. I could eat what I want and when I want, I could sleep when I want, I could go out wherever I want without having to explain myself to anyone...

I am struggling with leaving that freedom behind. I think everyone here at home still thinks I'm the shy and anxious person who left two years ago but actually I've grown so much, especially in the past year. I feel like I'm going to regress back to that person because that is how everyone is treating me. I don't have any friends here and I don't have a job yet, so I'm stuck at home all the time. I only live with my mum, but I still feel suffocated here. I'm so used to privacy and alone time since I lived completely by myself, and it has all disappeared now. She just walks into my room without knocking even when I shut the door because I want privacy, and she comes and talks to me about random stuff when all I want is to be by myself. I haven't said anything to her about it because I'm scared of hurting her feelings, I know she doesn't mean anything bad and she is happy to have me back. But this really isn't the life I want anymore, and I feel panicked at the thought of this being my reality for the foreseeable future :frown:

Hey,

Having just moved back in myself after 3 years away, I understand where you are coming from. The university life and home life are often quite different. For me, I've tried to keep some things as similar as possible- I still go to the gym, buy the snacks I've grown to like at uni that we don't normally have at home, as well as making an extra effort to stay in contact with friends from uni-they are often going through the same thing!

I know it may be tough to have a conversation with your mum about it but there is a likely chance she would appreciate it. I let my family know that I often like a bit of space to myself sometimes and now they know it's made life a bit easier.

Hope that helps a bit
Kat

Struggling after moving home after university

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