I think my partner has BPD
Hi,
I have been having alot of problems with my partner recently and am realising now they exhibit alot of borderline personality disorder traits. I dont know whether they have the disorder or not but I know they exhibit alot of typical BPD behaviours. Eg. They dont believe I love them, accuse me of cheating (no basis), they say things to hurt me if they feel like I am being horrible or hurt them. They admit this is to punish me for hurting them. Frequent mood swings, seeing me as all good and then thinking im awful. Then they tell me how much they love me and i am the only person in the world they want to be with and would hate to lose me and often talks about worries of losing me. At other times they admit to taking me for granted because they think things will always sort out between us.
I really don't know what to do anymore. I have tried breaking up several times but I end up back with them. Partly out of love and partly out of guilt.
I am contemplating staying with them and trying to help with their issues. Do BPD behaviours get better or worse with time? Is there anything I can do to help? It would be great to hear from someone with this diagnosis or someone who has been with someone with it.
I have been having alot of problems with my partner recently and am realising now they exhibit alot of borderline personality disorder traits. I dont know whether they have the disorder or not but I know they exhibit alot of typical BPD behaviours. Eg. They dont believe I love them, accuse me of cheating (no basis), they say things to hurt me if they feel like I am being horrible or hurt them. They admit this is to punish me for hurting them. Frequent mood swings, seeing me as all good and then thinking im awful. Then they tell me how much they love me and i am the only person in the world they want to be with and would hate to lose me and often talks about worries of losing me. At other times they admit to taking me for granted because they think things will always sort out between us.
I really don't know what to do anymore. I have tried breaking up several times but I end up back with them. Partly out of love and partly out of guilt.
I am contemplating staying with them and trying to help with their issues. Do BPD behaviours get better or worse with time? Is there anything I can do to help? It would be great to hear from someone with this diagnosis or someone who has been with someone with it.
Hey, so this is a late reply but having seen it and been in the situation I thought I would chime in.
I initially discovered similar symptons and also more extreme ones, e.g. she told me there were times in the past she had self harmed (and still at times wanted to) and had bulimia. I cared for her greatly and continued the relationship and ended up being very much in love with her. When she was on good form, she was incredible to be around but in her bad moments which in time became more frequent it became unbearable. When I first told her I thought she might have BPD, i was as expected met with hostility and it was an issue however it was something that she then told me her father had also had and when she saw someone they diagnosed her with it too. It did help us and her to have this diagnosed as it meant it could be researched, it had a name for her benefit and it didn't cause future arguements.
If you want to be with this person, you need to realise you have to be able to always put up with episodes in a calm and gentle way, you cannot lash out or get irritated or lose patience because not only does this massivley escalate the problem but the person will remember is and it spirals into later episodes. You need to realise that they cannot help the way they are under these episodes and it's not their fault, and that it does not define them. However you cannot be a doormat. You must set ground rules from the early stages for yourself. It's a condition that does eventually get better in time (statistically) and I can say therapy massively helped in our case. An example might be that at a certain time you must be allowed to "leave" for example a phone conversation by a time to allow adequate time for sleep. In my case my girlfriend had a fear of abandonment which meant when she was in an episode from early days we could be on the phone until 6am and I would be forced to pretend to fall asleep to end the conversation or it would simply not end and this helped neither of us. Setting rules later on helped us.
For me, it wasn't worth it. The relationship went on longer than I should have allowed and it ended up with us both being hurt. I did not have the patience for it and I made episodes worse. It definitely requires a very specific kind of person to be able to deal with BPD I believe and you must think if you one can commit to that and two whether you're willing to make the sacrifices that will inevitably come while being such a young age. It is a commitment. I wish you the best of luck.
I initially discovered similar symptons and also more extreme ones, e.g. she told me there were times in the past she had self harmed (and still at times wanted to) and had bulimia. I cared for her greatly and continued the relationship and ended up being very much in love with her. When she was on good form, she was incredible to be around but in her bad moments which in time became more frequent it became unbearable. When I first told her I thought she might have BPD, i was as expected met with hostility and it was an issue however it was something that she then told me her father had also had and when she saw someone they diagnosed her with it too. It did help us and her to have this diagnosed as it meant it could be researched, it had a name for her benefit and it didn't cause future arguements.
If you want to be with this person, you need to realise you have to be able to always put up with episodes in a calm and gentle way, you cannot lash out or get irritated or lose patience because not only does this massivley escalate the problem but the person will remember is and it spirals into later episodes. You need to realise that they cannot help the way they are under these episodes and it's not their fault, and that it does not define them. However you cannot be a doormat. You must set ground rules from the early stages for yourself. It's a condition that does eventually get better in time (statistically) and I can say therapy massively helped in our case. An example might be that at a certain time you must be allowed to "leave" for example a phone conversation by a time to allow adequate time for sleep. In my case my girlfriend had a fear of abandonment which meant when she was in an episode from early days we could be on the phone until 6am and I would be forced to pretend to fall asleep to end the conversation or it would simply not end and this helped neither of us. Setting rules later on helped us.
For me, it wasn't worth it. The relationship went on longer than I should have allowed and it ended up with us both being hurt. I did not have the patience for it and I made episodes worse. It definitely requires a very specific kind of person to be able to deal with BPD I believe and you must think if you one can commit to that and two whether you're willing to make the sacrifices that will inevitably come while being such a young age. It is a commitment. I wish you the best of luck.
Original post by Anonymous
...
Hai, OP.
I've been diagnosed with BPD - w00t, lucky me; if you're still looking for help with this issue, please feel free to send me a PM or, if you'd rather stay anon., quote me back and I'll try and answer your questions as best I can.
Run for your life! Don't tell me I didn't warn you.
Your partner probably needs help, but not at your expense. BPDs should be in active recovery before considering dating IMO.
Your partner probably needs help, but not at your expense. BPDs should be in active recovery before considering dating IMO.
Original post by Anonymous
Hi,
I have been having alot of problems with my partner recently and am realising now they exhibit alot of borderline personality disorder traits. I dont know whether they have the disorder or not but I know they exhibit alot of typical BPD behaviours. Eg. They dont believe I love them, accuse me of cheating (no basis), they say things to hurt me if they feel like I am being horrible or hurt them. They admit this is to punish me for hurting them. Frequent mood swings, seeing me as all good and then thinking im awful. Then they tell me how much they love me and i am the only person in the world they want to be with and would hate to lose me and often talks about worries of losing me. At other times they admit to taking me for granted because they think things will always sort out between us.
I really don't know what to do anymore. I have tried breaking up several times but I end up back with them. Partly out of love and partly out of guilt.
I am contemplating staying with them and trying to help with their issues. Do BPD behaviours get better or worse with time? Is there anything I can do to help? It would be great to hear from someone with this diagnosis or someone who has been with someone with it.
I have been having alot of problems with my partner recently and am realising now they exhibit alot of borderline personality disorder traits. I dont know whether they have the disorder or not but I know they exhibit alot of typical BPD behaviours. Eg. They dont believe I love them, accuse me of cheating (no basis), they say things to hurt me if they feel like I am being horrible or hurt them. They admit this is to punish me for hurting them. Frequent mood swings, seeing me as all good and then thinking im awful. Then they tell me how much they love me and i am the only person in the world they want to be with and would hate to lose me and often talks about worries of losing me. At other times they admit to taking me for granted because they think things will always sort out between us.
I really don't know what to do anymore. I have tried breaking up several times but I end up back with them. Partly out of love and partly out of guilt.
I am contemplating staying with them and trying to help with their issues. Do BPD behaviours get better or worse with time? Is there anything I can do to help? It would be great to hear from someone with this diagnosis or someone who has been with someone with it.
Impossible. They need therapy, and lots of it. I'm talking years. BPD often arises in individuals who have been abused since childhood, and unraveling that takes a lot of work. And it's not your job to do it.
First and foremost they need to acknowledge that their behaviour is maladaptive and harmful. Until they do that, they are going to get nowhere.
My advice to you is to end the relationship and allow your partner to seek appropriate help. You can't "fix" them I'm afraid, and thinking you can will only lead to lots of stress and anxiety for you.
Original post by Freudian Slip
Hai, OP.
I've been diagnosed with BPD - w00t, lucky me; if you're still looking for help with this issue, please feel free to send me a PM or, if you'd rather stay anon., quote me back and I'll try and answer your questions as best I can.
I've been diagnosed with BPD - w00t, lucky me; if you're still looking for help with this issue, please feel free to send me a PM or, if you'd rather stay anon., quote me back and I'll try and answer your questions as best I can.
Hi, my post was about my boyfriend who I only suspect has it. Does it sound to you he may have? Or am I overreacting into his behaviours?
http://www.nonbpdsolution.com/correct-interaction/03-how-to-induce-bpd-sufferers-to-change.html
http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-emotional-vulnerability-of-borderline-personality-disorder/0009521
http://www.treatingbpd.ca/BPD-Etiology-Causes.php
http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/borderline_personality_disorde.html
http://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-help-a-loved-one-with-borderline-personality-disorder-part-1/0008746
http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-emotional-vulnerability-of-borderline-personality-disorder/0009521
http://www.treatingbpd.ca/BPD-Etiology-Causes.php
http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/borderline_personality_disorde.html
http://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-help-a-loved-one-with-borderline-personality-disorder-part-1/0008746
I have BPD and I can assure you that your partner needs help and therapy. I would NOT say to leave them (as some people say). Talk to them and express your feelings and stick by them. You cannot SAVE them but you can help x
Original post by Marilyn Denice
I have BPD and I can assure you that your partner needs help and therapy. I would NOT say to leave them (as some people say). Talk to them and express your feelings and stick by them. You cannot SAVE them but you can help x
Thank you for the reply. I doubt he will ever get help, when I ask logical questions based on his behaviour and words he tells me I am disrespecting him for talking about things he doesn't want to talk about or answer and how horrible I am etc for it.
How is therapy going for you?
Original post by Anonymous
Hi, my post was about my boyfriend who I only suspect has it. Does it sound to you he may have? Or am I overreacting into his behaviours?
Some of his behaviours resonate with me, but it's difficult to say, since BPD doesn't seem to manifest consistently - indeed, even a diagnosis is quite vague in itself. Whilst I wouldn't rubbish his 'appropriateness to date' like some people have, whilst he won't acknowledge his issues (with or without a mental illness), this will be a rough ride for you and you'll need to consider whether that's one you can go along for.
Original post by Anonymous
Thank you for the reply. I doubt he will ever get help, when I ask logical questions based on his behaviour and words he tells me I am disrespecting him for talking about things he doesn't want to talk about or answer and how horrible I am etc for it.
How is therapy going for you?
How is therapy going for you?
I go to counselling and I think being single for so long has enabled me to better myself. Maybe talk to this family and friends. x
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