My Partner's Grandmother Destests Me

I have been with my partner for three and half years. I met them when I was doing my undergrad degree. They are currently living at home temporarily, and I’m doing a master’s degree in creative writing, which I also did for my undergrad. I really love it and was very excited about this year. The only problem is that I’ve been suffering with severe mental health issues, to the point where I recently went to hospital for self-harm due to the way my partner’s grandmother speaks to me. I have to see her a lot more now. I’m going to compile a list of horrible things she has said:
2020: Asking me “so what business does someone with dyslexia have being at university?” Then later that night warning my partner to be careful of me due to my disability.
2021: Threatening me as a warning to not be “bad to my partner.” We’d been together for two years at this point and I’d never done anything bad during that time. It came completely unprompted; I hadn’t done anything.
2022: Getting drunk and leaving the kitchen in a mess, then the next morning telling me to clean up “my mess” when she’d left it there in the first place. When my partner pointed out that it was her’s, she laughed and walked out.
2022: Getting drunk and being really inappropriate about my grandmother who is suffering from Alzheimer’s. I’m not even going to repeat what was said.
Ongoing: Turning the rest of the family against me. I used to get on with my partner’s grandfather, now he’s suddenly gone off me too. Their mum still seems alright though, it’s her that allows me to come over.
2022 – 2023: Encouraging my partner to date other people. Whenever they describes someone, they’re friends with she’ll make an inappropriate comment about the person then go “that’s what you want.”
Ongoing: Treating me like a layabout that has never and will never achieve anything. Never acknowledging my accomplishments. She never asks about my master’s degree, or even acknowledges that I’m doing anything with my life. Around the house I often clean up after her mess, and in better days I used to make family meals for everyone before she convinced them I was bad news.
Ongoing: If someone praises me and I start feeling confident, she’ll make a snide comment to put me down again.
2022: My partner went on a trip to Poland one time. At the time I was looking for us to get a place together and she told me “Forget about them, they’re moving away.” They literally only went for a summer trip.
There are so many more things I could say, but I think that will do. Is she right? Am I a pathetic failure, or is she just mean? I understood her issue with me (and it was bad) I would change it, but she’s got no interest in talking to me whatsoever. I also wanted to point out she does a lot of this stuff when my partner is not in the room. My partner isn’t falling for it though, they’re sick of her too. What should I do?

Hi @Joe8121,

A masters in creative writing - wow! You should be so proud of yourself. I’m sorry to hear you’re having some trouble. The fact that she is causing this much damage to your mental health is not right at all! Have you spoken to your partner about this? And, do you live with them or do you go home to a family of your own? I ask this what use you mentioned cooking for them as a house, and besides being impressed, I can’t believe how they are treating you as a guest.

My advice would be to get talking about this, to anyone you know will listen to you because she cannot bring you down. Your achievements matter and they should be celebrated! If you have your family to talk to about this I’d definitely head their first as it might be complicated for you and your partner to chat about if it then gets back to grandma!

It is very disrespectful how she is treating you and it shouldn’t go unheard - especially if you and your partner have been together over three years! It is not for her to decide who is right or wrong. It’s sad really, I don’t think anyone will be good enough in her eyes. I just think she does this to make herself feel better. People like that tend to pick on those who just take it and get on with it, “the nice ones” as it seems, or those who they think they can get away with putting down. I think your main priority right now is to start putting yourself first, getting your mental health back up to scratch so you can do the best you possibly an in your masters degree! With the right support around you, it is possible.

Even some medical advice, talking to your doctors about this and the reasons behind it, they will try and help you find ways to make this all a little easier for you. Because as it stands, this unnecessary stress for you! I think you need to be open with your feelings as this seems to have gone on for so long, no matter her age or who she is, you should not have to feel this way because of her. If nothing changes, maybe distancing yourself will be better for you and your partner - if they’re sick of her too, moving out would be a great possible outcome!

Wishing you all the best for you and your partner,
Ellie