FTM problems

Duck Fetish

Where better to start than the start... I suppose I should intro duck myself, and by that I mean introduce myself. My name is Ted and for some unknown reason my phone likes to think I have a thing for ducks... (I appologise for the autocorrect issues but I've grown fond of them)*

Obviously things always have a girl involved. I guess all of my worries have always had a girl involved somewhere... It started 4years ago with a couple of drunken fumbles but if we fast forward to Febuary 2015, this is where the fun begins. It's a regular Wednesday evening in my house. My sister is making love eyes at her Gym Instructor boyfriend. My parents argue blissfully in the lounge and I lay on my bed playing the same video game as I have done the past 3years... My phone "pops" and I wonder who would be messaging me of all people. I read the name and get the tiniest twinkle of excitement. Red has messaged me. I met Red 4 years ago whilst working as a bouncer. She had me at hello. I'm not sure if it was her accent or her smile or her cheekiness but whatever it was, it caught me off guard. Safe to say we got drunk stayed in a hotel and saw each other two or three times afterwards and went our seperate ways. But I have often wondered what Red was up too.

Awkward Car Journey

Red had messaged me asking what town was like on a Wednesday, and I told her it was **** and not to waste her time. This somehow resulted in her asking me to join her for a night out elsewhere with her mate. I jumped at the chance to actually socialise with real people and not someone I had levelled up on a game. After some minor SatNav issues she was heading in the right direction down my street. My phone rings and it's her. I get overly excited and answer with my smile so big you could almost hear it in my voice. She seems equally excited to hear my voice. I can now see her car creeping down my street and I try to act cool and suave and pretend I don't see her...

Nothing has changed over four years. Her car is still as chaotic as ever. Make up, glasses, sunglasses, random reciepts just random crap everywhere. I stand on the pavement as she sends everything flying over her shoulder to the back seat so I can get in. When I get in we lock gazes and it's as if no time has passed and we've never lost touch. She has the best stare I have experienced. I get lost in her eyes and it feels like she can see the most well hidden of my thoughts... Enough of the sappy bull****. We start the hour car journey to meet her friend and start laughing over our last few encounters. Before I know it we are at her mates and as she gets out and greets her friend in their 1st language, I sit there in the passenger seat falling helplessly for a girl I haven't seen in half decade. **** me I don't half cause myself some drama.

Let's Get Mortifyingly Mortal!

First stop the pre club bar for cheap shots, cheap pints and even cheaper girls... It's my first night out since New year and I'm aware my heart and head are about to screw me over with Red, so I decide now is a brilliant time to get pissed. I head straight to the bar and get myself and Kay (Red's friend) a pint and I buy Red a coke as she's driving. The pint tastes like cat piss but is cheap so naturally I drink up. An old friend is working in the bar as a drag queen and he/she pops over to tempt me with jagerbombs... I'm out to get drunk so I do what any young idiot would do and buy 3. Kay also buys 3 and thus starts the party. Two pints and five jagerbombs later and I'm struggling to concentrate. The floor seems a bit wobbly and persuing Red is seaming more and more inviting. Kay dissapears on the prowl for hot young lesbians leaving me lust after Red knowing full well it's going to end in disaster. You see when I first met Red I was a girl named Beth and now I'm a guy named Ted. (sorry I forgot to mention I'm transgender. Unfortunately I was born a girl but I'm transitioning to be guy. I'm pre T, so I havent had any surgery or hormone treatment yet). Red is a lesbian. Like full on proper loves women in every way possible. Now I'm a guy. With guy hair and guy clothes and guy name. My mannerisms are more manly than before, all my pronouns are now male, I use the boys toilets and I'm not a lesbian any more. I'm a straight guy.
So if you haven't already figured it out this is a problem I am now a straight male in a girls body who fancies a lesbian who I used to date when I was a girl. It's messy already and we've only been back in contact 3hours...

Would You Like Fries With That?

Kay has now been gone for somewhile, off hunting for supper. And Red and I have spent long enough pretending to enjoy the dank scene of the bar. We tell Kay we are going to get some food, she is unfettered by our absence. I am now at that point of no return do I sober up and eat some food or carry on drinking and risk blowing chunks all over Red's car? I decided on MacDonalds and stroll with Red. After buying copious amounts of fried foods we find a bench and sit down on the main street and get back to chatting. But it's after 12am and I'm drunk so the deep stuff starts pouring out of my mouth like verbal diareah and I can't stop it. I tell her how miserable I am, how lonely I feel, I tell her the depth of my dysphoria and depression. Red sits there taking it all in watching me, reading my every expression. I can't seem to shake her gaze. She comforts me and makes me laugh. That's what I liked about Red the first time, she makes me belly laugh.

A group of teenagers walk past laughing and shouting, it breaks our gaze and we realise how long we have been away from Kay. We return to find her at the Club chatting to two girls I used to know. Me and Red decide against paying addmission and just hang out in the beer garden people watching. After what feels like 5minutes Red is ready to go home and I am more than happy to leave knowing we have a hour journey home alone together. Kay decides to leave too so we set out to take her home before we begin the journey back to my house. Red and Kay say their goodbyes and I give a friendly wave. Now we are alone again and I'm starting to feel my usual sober awkward self.

So Cold It Hurts

The journey home proves to be a more intimate affair than I had anticipated. Red talks about her previous relationship with a married woman and I listen carefully. It doesn't take me long to realise she still loves Tara. I instantly dislike Tara for hurting Red. I know what its like to be in love to no avail and I don't want that heartache for Red , I don't want that for any of my friends. As we draw nearer to my town Red suggests we get coffee somewhere. I of course am all to eager to spend more time in her company so direct her to MacDonalds and we decide to get coffee and park up at the beach to carry on our conversation.

I know what youre thinking. I just want a fumble in the back of the car. But you're wrong. I got lost that night. I got lost in our stories and laughter and Red's stare. I hadn't felt more safe, calm and yet exhilarated in all my life. We started to talk about pointless things and it was apparent we just wanted to prolong the time we spent together. Red fumbled with my seat until I was lying horrizontal. My tummy muscles tightened and my jaw clenched. Red noticed but did not comment. After a while our fingers made contact my hand wrapped around hers and I stroked the back of her hand with my thumb. We did not break conversation but carried on as normal. The whole time it felt like electric pulsing through my body. Her hand brushed past my arm and I go ridged again. This time she comments. She asks with concern why I am so tense and begs me to relax. I however brush off the remark and tell her I'm fine. I am not fine. I am far from fine. I know exactly what this feeling is. I know exactly how this friendship will turn out. How can I relax around her. All I can do I think about kissing her, holding her, taking all of the pain Tara caused her away. I want to show her that she can have what she deserves. This will never happen though for I am a guy destined to fall for girls I cannot have.

After a lot of consideration I decide to put all feelings for Red aside. I don't want to lose her again, we seem to just fit together so perfectly it would be a shame to spoil that friendship. Without any warning the sky flashes bright orange and we both sit up startled by the sudden burst of colour. Red jumps out of the car and runs toward the railings I chase after her explaining the sudden flash of colour is due to the flames from the blast furnace of the steelworks along the bay. Then it hits me square in the chest. Pain. Pain that was indescribable. Red has it too, her face shifts showing her vast discomfort. I can't breathe. Red can't breathe. It's 3am we are on a beach the temperature is well below 0. That pain is the coldness filling our lungs and choking us from the inside out. We run back to the shelter of Reds car laughing and spluttering like little kids. It was at this point I knew we would be great friends, no not great but the best of friends.