Advice needed on "relationship" - please help

Hi all,

Advance apologies as this is a really long post!! But I really need some advice.

I have been seeing my "boyfriend" for 18 months now, however we are still not labelled as boyfriend and girlfriend. We have a lot to do with each other's families, I've even been to stay with his grandparents who live in Wales (we live in England), he has taken me to a couple of work functions, introduced me to a few of his friends, and bought me an expensive birthday present despite the fact that he does not even do this for his parents - but still no relationship label. I managed to bring myself to have the conversation again two days ago, and while we talked a lot we still did not meet a resolution. He said that things work really well as they are, and as soon as the label gets put on with anyone he's seeing, things change and end up turning bad - he said that he ends up resenting the person when this label gets put on, but said that he doesn't know why (whether this is the case or not is another matter of course). He has not had a "relationship" since 2011. I know that the last girlfriend he was seeing he must have been serious about, as he was planning on re-locating to be with her, but he has never opened up to me about why it ended. He has also previously said that he no longer has the capacity to love: he did love his previous girlfriends, but says that something changed within him around 2011 and claims that he no longer has the capacity to love, saying that this extends to some extent to his relationships with family etc as well as just in a romantic context - again, I don't know how true this is, he is fairly close with his immediate family.

He said that things/expectations change when it gets labelled a relationship, but would not really go into the detail of these - I told him that, while I appreciated that this may not be the case, to me the reasons why someone would not want to call it a relationship is either because they are ashamed of the person, or they want to pursue other women, either now or in the future, and figured that part of the expectations changing could be the expectation not to get with other women. I ended this relationship a couple of months back because I said I could not take the uncertainty of whether he had been with another woman, and was surprised when a week later he came back and said he wanted to be exclusive with me and we should have spoken about that before. The thing is, I know he slept with at least one other woman at that time, and have been able to let it go because we had not verbally agreed on exclusivity, but it bothers me that he looked me in the eye and said he had not been with another woman when we had this conversation. I brought this up and he said he did it to protect my feelings, because "what was he supposed to do in that situation?". I have never once shouted or got angry with him, any conversation I do have with him is always calm and very sympathetic to his feelings and needs despite some of the things that he has done, so I guess from my point of view there was no need for him not to be honest with me in that instance. But I realise that these things are difficult and can maybe forgive him for this decision.

He is now moving away for work for a while, and will be living near other girls that he speaks to frequently and a long way away from me. While he has said that we are exclusive, I feel like I need this to be established as a relationship now if it is going to continue so that I can take a little more comfort in his words. I do find it very difficult to trust admittedly, but this is something that I am willing to work hard on to overcome should he want to continue being with me. We have talked about continuing to see each other when he does move, and he suggested this before I did, saying that this particular job was only for a few months, but I feel like now I need this step in order to continue investing so much in him. I would be willing to re-locate to be with him eventually if it was what he wanted because I do love him so much, and I have told him this, but obviously that would only be if it was something that he wanted. I love him with all of my heart, more than I have ever loved anyone else, and I am willing to work hard to make him happy and make things work, but I also love him enough to let him go if he doesn't want to be with me - he says that he does want to keep seeing me, it's just this label thing he doesn't agree to, and this almost in between phase he is exhibiting at the moment is so confusing and painful. I know that he talks to these other girls that live in this place that he will be working in for a few months, and he talks to them almost as much as he talks to me, but he doesn't know that I know, and I feel like if I bring up this conversation he is just going to get angry with me which I don't want, especially when I am always patient with him. I have even thought about whether I can be ok with him seeing other people while he sees me, but I don't think I can realistically, I think it will cause me too much anxiety and pain. I don't know how to talk about any of these things with him without pushing him away even more. He admitted that he never thought things would get to the stage that they are with me but isn't regretful that they have - one final thing is that when I asked him just before we went to sleep if he would rather we stop seeing each other than call it a relationship, he said "no". I feel like this gives some hope, but I'm reluctant to put him in an ultimatum situation (although recognise that this is perhaps what I need) because I don't want him to feel stifled if he needs more time or something.

If you've got this far, then THANK YOU! I'd really appreciate it if you can offer me any advice on what to do here, or any insight as to what's going on with him. I'm so confused. I want to do what's right by him ultimately as I love him a great deal, but know I need to think about my own heart a little too.

Reply 1

Anonymous #2

Ok I read all of that and I'm going to be very honest with you; as someone who is looking from an outside perspective, I think that you really aren't being thought of a lot in this "relationship". It seems to me that you have been emotionally investing into this relationship a lot more than your partner, and that maybe he needs to think about you a bit more.

my advice to you would be to just tell him everything, sit him down and pour your heart out, tell him about all of the insecurities and anxiety you've been having regarding the situation between the two of you. Tell him you know about the other girls, and tell him that you're confused and if he really does want to be with you, he has to make as many compromises as you've made. While you tell him anything, ask him not to speak until you've finished, that will make things easier for you.

I know that when you really love someone, it's hard to put yourself first, you don't want to risk losing him by giving him an ultimatum, but its also not fair on you to be left feeling so miserable. I hope things go well for you :smile:

Reply 2

Retired_Messiah

The only insight I'm getting is that the guy is absolutely insane

take from that what you will....

Reply 3

markova21

It sounds to me like you are in love with someone who will never be able to tell you that they love you or to commit to you. If he is incapable of saying he is in a relationship with you, either to himself, you or anyone else, but you are doing things together as a couple including being intimate, i'm sorry but i'd show him the door. He clearly has issues arising out of bad experiences. This isn't your fault. You need to be in a relationship with someone where the commitment is 50/50. If he is so emotionally immature /crippled that he cannot even bring himself to say the actual words then you need to find someone who deserves you. I'm sorry. I know you said you love him. But he can never make you happy while he is like this.

Reply 4

CherishRoberts

I completely agree with markova21. But I would also add that I sense that you have low self-confidence. Thing is, you have to know what you deserve and how you should be treated by others. He would only disrespect you, if you allow it. I will be blunt and say that I can't see your relationship working. And you deserve SO much more/better. Don't change your life, re-locate and fall deeply in love with someone who does not deserve all of that. I suggest taking time out from dating and stop talking/messaging him to love yourself (like 6 months or more). Tell him you need time to be alone for a while and you're not ready for a relationship. Use this time to learn a new skill, go jogging, talk to friends, read books (enjoy your own company) etc. This is something I hope you really consider; spending time with yourself and doing things you want/love to do.

When you feel ready to date (a completely different guy not this guy), then by this time I would have hoped that you know what you can accept and what you deserve. You mentioned that you have thought of the idea that your "bf" can see other girls whilst still seeing you. Please never entertain this thought because you are saying that you don't mind him cheating on you. Know what you can/not tolerate, and cheating should be something that you cannot.

In summary, if something doesn't seem right then go with your gut instincts.

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