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The Signs of a Controlling Relationship

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If she’s cheated in the past I wouldn’t trust her on it but that’s up to you.

Personally I did meet up and hang out with a guy a used to sleep with (as he was my best friend) while I was dating someone else. Turns out I was the one being cheated on but oh well.

Yeah she made out with another guy on a night out while in a relationship (her last relationship) but told him straight away (the next morning) felt really bad ect.

sorry to hear about your situation, hope everything is good on your end now though

Reply 81

Pugglet

Original post by Anonymous

Yeah I’m now dating my best friend and couldn’t be happier.

Reply 82

Anonymous #14

Original post by Pugglet

Yeah I’m now dating my best friend and couldn’t be happier.

That's fantastic, good luck :smile:

Reply 83

Thisplace

Original post by Anonymous

What if she is spending one to one time with a friend she used to sleep with? Like going to his house to hang out... is that regarded as okay?

Yeah . . . In an alternate reality maybe

Reply 84

QueenEsther

How can i advise my friend to come out of a controlling relationship? she based her whole relationship on netflix shows that promote 'toxic relationships'

Reply 85

QueenEsther

Original post by QueenEsther

i just really don't know how to help her

(edited 3 years ago)

Reply 86

candydiva

The most truly alpha man I have ever met, master, is also the least controlling and most supportive and respectful of all males. He never asks me wat I am doing or y I want to do something. I tell him my plans and he just accepts my choice and helps me achieve them if he can. He likes to be with me so if he asks me Candy can u come visit this weekend or watever then I prioritize his request over others but if I've already made plans I DO NOT cancel on my friends coz of it we just make an alternate plan. When I go out I drink and smoke weed and hang out with my buds and he only calls to check once that I'm OK. Sometimes I come back to the apartment and he's already asleep coz I partied long but yeah then I can wake him up lol! Sometimes he wakes me up in return... :h:

Whenever I tell him I wanna do something big or small, his response is "OK how can we make that happen... wat can I do to assist Candy achieving her goal?" Never "y r u doing that? wat is the point? why now/like that/with them etc etc." which is what inferior wannabe controlling males do.

Two years ago... just musing... "I'd love to visit Croatia we could swim naked in the moonlight"... it didn't rllly seem practical but hey, a few months later he says, hey candy can u make late July I have a plan... so I fixed work to get the time he'd planned for.... and yeah swimming naked in the Adriatic in the moonlight after sampling Croatian red wine and then sitting on the private balcony and dripping dry is awesome :smile:

Or the Bond thing... u know I love it... after he learned about my fetish he recreated that scene with me as Contessa Draco and he as Bond in the rental convertible when we drove Amalfi.... so fuun! He even got me the silk scarf and shades similar to those she wore in OHMSS.... :suith:

imo there is no reason for phonesnooping, negging, demanding questions, permissions, controls over who to meet, when to meet, where to go etc etc. None. Not ever.

When I hear and see wat immature males do to "own" their gfs - like my friends - I shudder coz it's everything we read in this thread. There is nothing cute about constant demands and probings that "demonstrate love" and "commitment".... no it's not "cute" and no they do not demonstrate "love" at all. They are red flags. Can u tell how allergic I am to these guys? LOL! :wink:

Many immature guys don't even realize they are setting off down the path to becoming controlling losers coz in their social circles this kind of thinking and acting gets normalized by their friends and even sometimes girls who validate their misbehaviors... toxic is the word.... but u know by now they don't try this bs with me. U know.... I don't seem to give signals that I find these things tolerable lol!

The rare men who are the true alphas don't control women in any way. They have no desire or need to do so coz they are compelling and attractive and secure in themselves and they respect others. They dgaf wat others say and don't let those opinions affect their choices and they love and respect empowered women who make their own choices. Yes they exist.... I found one.. :smile:

For some reason that makes me a lil' sad this sit seems rather unusual from my xperience with friends and other students and especially from wat we read here on TSR rels most days. I sometimes can't believe that smart girls can act so dumb with clearly manipulative and wannabe abusive males by validating their impulses and accepting creeping control over their lives.

I gotta add a pet RED FLAG for this thread: the socially-based justifications offered by males for their restrictive actions.. "my fam/friends wouldn't like it if..." whether explicit or implicit. "U know that everyone does..." Girls here's wat u can say.... "No! idgaf so F U!"

Reply 87

kyliephr

Original post by username917703

Pleasantly surprised to see that last number on there.

thats what i thought

Reply 88

Rileybr2356

Original post by username1623349

Signs to look out for in a controlling relationship

Many people don’t realise they’re in a controlling relationship. Or, more accurately, they do, but don’t want to admit it to themselves. The signs are all there, but they’re justified with ‘I’m only doing this because I love you’, or ‘I do trust you, it’s everyone else I don’t trust’. Through my own first-hand experience of bouncing from one controlling relationship to another, coupled with research and articles from expert psychologists, I’ve compiled a (by no means definitive) list of some of the most common signs of a controlling relationship. If this helps even one person out there, it’s worth it 😊

Not wanting you to go on nights out
A lot of partners in controlling relationships say “I don’t want you going clubbing/ out with your friends/ to the pub” etc. This isn’t healthy – no one should be controlling where their partner goes or with whom. It’s often justified with ‘I just don’t trust the people in nightclubs’ or ‘I’d rather you spent time with me’, but if they trust you then what other people do shouldn’t matter; they trust you not to do anything, so nothing will happen! And if they don’t trust you, the relationship will be doomed from the start.
As for spending time with them, it’s a balance – you can spend time with your partner on some nights, and time with your friends on others. You shouldn’t have to choose one or the other.

Not wanting you to see your friends
A lot of (although not all, and not exclusively) heterosexual couples say they don’t want their partner spending time with their friends of the opposite sex. As before, it all boils down to trust. If your partner trusts you not to cheat on them with one of your friends, then it shouldn’t be an issue who you hang out with or how often. And if they don’t trust you, you shouldn’t be with them in the first place.

Telling you what clothes/ makeup/ products to wear
It’s one thing to tell your partner that what they’re wearing is two sizes too small or has a large stain down the front. It’s completely another to say that they don’t want you to wear revealing outfits or hair gel or too much makeup. They often make these ‘rules’ because they say they ‘don’t want other people looking at you’. But why is that a problem? You’re in a relationship, so it doesn’t matter who looks at you, you know and your partner knows that other people can’t have you!

Demanding you ‘check in’ when you’re out
This is another scenario which is completely out of order. Under what circumstance could you need to report back every half an hour with information about where you are, who you’re with, or what you’re doing? If you’re worried about your own safety when out, then you call the shots about ‘checking in’. It’s up to you to make that decision, not your partner.

Not allowing you to have privacy
In an attempt to control their partners, some insist on checking through text/ Facebook/ Whatsapp messages, 'just in case'. You may not even know they're doing it. But if you have reason to believe they're looking at your messages, that's a giant red flag. Other invasions of privacy include: checking internet history, sat-nav destinations, and call logs; listening to your voicemails; "vetting" or "approving" social media posts such as instagram; and going through your activity log to check whose selfies or statuses you've liked. All completely unacceptable. A relationship means that you value each other's privacy, not that you have no privacy.

Your friends and/ or family are worried
If multiple people are telling you that something seems off about the relationship, chances are they're right! Often you can't see it for yourself, and it takes someone with an outsider's perspective to show you that you and your partner's relationship isn't normal. If lots of people have concerns or doubts about your relationship, it might be worth asking yourself what they're all seeing that you aren't.

Making you feel guilty
Have you ever been made to feel like something is your fault, even though you know deep down it isn’t? That’s manipulative and a sign of a psychologically abusive relationship. Maybe they forgot their keys, and they say it’s your fault for not reminding them to bring them. Or maybe they didn’t charge their phone, and it’s your fault for not having a spare charger in your bag. Or maybe you had to cancel a date last minute because your brother was taken into hospital. Whichever way they try to spin it, it’s controlling and incredibly unhealthy.

Gaslighting
This is a term some of you won’t be familiar with. To gaslight is defined as: “to manipulate (someone) by psychological means into doubting their own sanity”. Jeremy E. Sherman Ph.D. describes it aptly by saying:
“Picture someone who sporadically turns 180 degrees without knowing or admitting it. You're standing in front of them. They turn around and suddenly you're behind them. So they scold you: "Hey you. Why did you suddenly jump behind me? I’m standing still and you're hopping from one position to another." To make themselves feel consistent they have to call you inconsistent.”

According to Psychology Today, there are some very common techniques to look out for:

1. Blatant lying – the controller will often tell lies which are very obviously untrue, which makes you begin to question every little thing. This keeps you confused and unsure. They may also deny they ever said something when you know they said it, which again makes you start to doubt yourself.
2. Negative comments – they will make a snide comment here and there, only very occasionally at first, until it becomes more and more frequent. Of course, they will give positive comments every so often too, so that you can convince yourself they’re a good person, deep down.
3. Projection – gaslighters tend to project their own inadequacies onto you. A serial cheater will often accuse you of cheating, which distracts you from their own behaviour, for example. Accusations of cheating and such also induce paranoia on both sides - the abuser convinces themselves that you are cheating and so their actions are justified, whereas you may begin to worry that your behaviour is inappropriate or flirtatious when, in reality, it's nothing of the sort.
4. Questioning reality – an abuser will convince you that everyone is allied against you, and is lying to you for their own gain. This causes you to turn to the gaslighter for information rather than anyone else, and so the cycle is able to continue.

The most important thing to remember is that these behaviours don’t happen all at once. The ‘frog in a frying pan’ is a perfect analogy for this type of situation. If the heat is applied suddenly and all at once, the frog will jump out and run a mile. But if there is originally no heat, and it is turned on and up slowly over time, the frog will happily sit in the frying pan until it boils to death. It's also incredibly important to remember that anyone can be in this type of relationship, no matter their age, race, nationality, gender, sexuality, or job.

What a relationship is fundamentally based on is trust. If your partner trusts you completely, then you shouldn’t have to limit your behaviour, because they know you’ll be faithful. And if they do make you limit your behaviour, they don’t trust you as much as they say they do.

Please feel free to add any other common signs in the comments, or to share your own experiences. There’s always a friendly face to turn to, and if anyone needs support or advice, please please send me a PM. I’m here to help!

Below are a few resources for anyone who needs them:

0808 2000 247 - 24-hour Freephone Helpline (for any type of abuse)
116 123 - The Samaritans (24/7, 365 days a year)
020 7008 0151 - The Forced Marriage Unit (for people being forced into a marriage)
0808 802 4040 - Respect (for people who think they might be a perpetrator of abuse)
01708 765200 - SupportLine (for any type of abuse)
0300 999 5428 - Broken Rainbow (for LGBT+ people who are abused)
0808 801 0327 - Men's Advice Line (for help, support, and advice for men who are being abused)

I didn’t know there was a helpline for us, I’m very surprised.
Often out of shame we don’t say anything when we’re victims of abuse, as a man being abused by a woman is barely ever listened to, it’s always the other way around.
The information you’ve given in this thread is very good, we often don’t know how to identify if we’re in a controlling relationship that brings us more unhappiness than happiness.
You end up isolating yourself from everything, being with a partner doesn’t mean we lose our privacy. I know there should be respect, but focusing only on your partner and forgetting your friends and the things you did when you were single isn’t good at all.

Reply 89

Gavin2016

I bet you there are more coercive, controlling and manipulative women that get away with it than men. I reckon there is likely a huge pool of women undiscovered that are using coercive, controlling and manipulative ways on the men in their relationships with their men. I tend to think women are far more effective at being subtle about going about it so that it difficult for them to get caught or for the police to be able to prosecute them for it. After all who is going to believe that a sweet and innocent looking woman who comes across to everyone else as quiet, gentile and polite may be a complete horror behind the scenes to her other half gently bullying the **** out off him knowing that he would struggle to get any help or even be believed. There are Psychos out there everywhere but often it's the women that pass under the radar while mankind gets an unfair rap because guys are way more obvious with it I think.