could anyone give me feedback on my narrative thankyou

Have you ever done anything you will never forget? I have.
A few months ago, I was a rebellious teenager who did not like being told what to do. This was not a good thing. I had grown up with four other siblings: Ben, Harry, Evie, and Jane. Ben was 18 and worked quite often as well as studying engineering, which meant that I was home alone with my three younger siblings three days a week as my Mum worked five days a week. My dad also strived to provide six long days every week as well.

On that particular day, I reluctantly agreed to help my parents out by looking after my younger siblings. This was something that had become too much of a regular occurrence. I wanted to be out with my friends. There are numerous glamorous posts all over Instagram acted as a constant reminder of my mundane life, stuck at home with those brats. The door blocked out my freedom and instead I was left at home. It felt like torture.
Harry, a 12-year-old boy, threw a tantrum if he lost a game of Call of Duty and Evie was a 9-year-old girl who loved nothing more than ruining mine and my mum’s expensive makeup and pretending her bedroom was a catwalk with her teddies. The pink blush onlu acted to accentuate her brattish looks anyway. Finally, Jane was a 5-year-old irritating child who cried every time someone walked even near her and would literally hit them if they even tried to talk to her. This was my life. Fun, right?
I knew I wouldn’t be able to go to the beach with my friends that day. The walls felt like they were imprisoning me further after I had received the message from my best friend Olivia asking me to join her at the seaside. I had no choice but to send me classic ‘no, thank you,’ rejection message.
“Katie I’m going to work. Be good, I'll be back before 10 tonight love you bye,” I heard my mum yell from downstairs.
“Have fun,” I replied.
The door slammed shut and suddenly the house sounded like a zoo. I sat and sulked in my room for what felt like hours whilst I tried to think of an escape plan to get out of that hell hole. Then the most brilliant idea came to mind, and I felt like a genius. All I had to do was convince my siblings not to snitch and I would be home before nine just to be on the safe side of things. If I could sneak out and leave my brother in charge maybe I could go out with my friends and not be found out by my eager eyed parents. Now I just had to figure out how to convince Harry.
“Harry, come here a minute,” I banged on his door.
When he came, I asked him if he wanted to be in charge and I would give him £10 in return and after a long hard minute of pondering he hesitantly agreed, and I was ecstatic. I hurried to my room and packed my favourite bathing suit (a navy-blue poker dot two piece) and my brand-new grey beach towel and I messaged Olivia to come pick me up. No more rejection!
Fifteen minutes later I said by to my siblings and sprinted out of the door and I was gone like a rocket. Although with all the excitement about going, I had neglected the rules I was supposed to tell Harry whilst I was gone. He was old enough to take care of two children, right?
Leaving my phone in my bag, I felt free in the brisk, fresh sea air. I had missed the twenty-one messages Harry had sent me. Reading them after returning out of the sea, they sounded frantic. I had to get home quickly.
Upon arriving home, I had thousands of thoughts spiralling around my head as I had no idea what I was walking into. I sauntered into what seemed like a living nightmare. From first glance it looked like Jane and Evie were arguing because Jane wanted to play with Evie’s doll and Evie refused to give her it. However, Harry was nowhere to be found. Except after a bit more digging, a trail of blood led to the bathroom. Harry was on the floor with his nose bleeding. Evie then confronted me and explained how when Harry tried calming down Jane because she wanted the doll, Jane ended up hitting Harry with the hairbrush she had as she wanted to brush the doll’s hair. I was fuming but I had to deal with the situation in a more mature way and solve a million problems at once. It felt like I had hopped straight into a horror movie. Blood everywhere and screaming and crying in every direction. I could not focus. It took me a while to realise what had happened. I felt faint from the sight of blood, but I knew I couldn’t just sit there I had to do something.
Jane and Evie both now had a doll each as I gave Evie hers out of her toybox, so this allowed me a few minutes of quiet. But now my main concern was helping Harry recover from his hairbrush incident. I held Harry's head back whilst he had tissues stuffed up his nose and after a whole twenty minutes of this it finally stopped, and it seemed like I had just won a battle.
Now we just had one more problem…cleaning up all the mess made from my sisters and blood stains of the once beautifully polished floor tiles. I did not want to disturb my sister's peace finally I knew that Harry would need rest after his disturbing injury. Now I had known how Cinderella was treated: scrubbing the floors so clean you could see reflection out of each tile, and non-stop cleaning mess. After an arduous hour of scrubbing and sweeping, the house had finally been spotless again. I was exhausted. I staggered up the stairs to my bed and waited for my parents to get home as I had a feeling someone would tell them the events of what had happened and just had to wait for the lecturing about how bribery wasn’t good and how I should not disobey my parents' rules. I practically knew that speech of by hand at this point I had heard it that many times.
After my parents arrived home, I nervously waited for someone to say something, however, to my surprise no one did. Why was no one saying anything? Did they forget? Was I going to get away with it? In my head I had so many questions I knew I did not want answers to. I decided instead to fall into a deep slumber.

To this day two months later, my parents still don’t know I snuck out. my brother getting hit in the face by a hairbrush, my sisters arguing about a doll and the river of blood in the house. Well, I cannot deny how that Saturday was one hundred percent more eventful then going to the beach with my friends. I have since never left my siblings home alone again and because no one said anything she never did find out.

Reply 1

Anonymous #1

Ooh! That was a very good story. My parents never left me or my siblings home alone but I have had to look after cousins and as the oldest, I always get in trouble when they get hurt :frown: