Should I drop this particular type of “ friend”?

Hi there,

I often don’t post these sorts of things, but I need some advice. I started uni last September and made several good friends. One person I met in particular really clicked initially. We had a lot of similar interests and hobbies but it started to dawn on me there was something not quite right.

They would say constantly about them being “ misunderstood” and “ everyone hating them” and “ having no friends” in sixth form. Initially, I did not think there was anything too weird about that. I felt empathy for them: I had been in a similar situation myself in the past, but I was fortunate to have a few good friends who helped me pull through . It came across a little odd on the first day of meeting one another when they claimed we would be best friends ( even though we hardly knew one another), but I decided to put it aside and get to know them more.

A few people around me said they thought something was a little strange about them. I tried inviting them out a few times for a coffee alone and in a group, or just to talk, but often they would say they were babysitting or visiting family a lot of the time . I did not mind initially but it soon became apparent they did not want to meet up. They are a commuter and they wanted to live away from home in second year. I invited them along to a meeting with the other girls who were interested in sharing as they expressed an interesting in doing so. They came up with more excuses and then eventually dropped out last minute saying they didn’t want to move out.

Then they stopped going to lectures. A mutual friend explained they were going through “ troubles”. I did not want to pry, but after not seeing them in a month, I decided to reach out and check up. They explained it was financial initially. After talking to another friend who had tried doing the same with this person, they were given a totally different explanation about another subject matter. Talking to the mutual friend of this person, they were given another explanation. It was none of my business to push it further so I ignored it.

Christmas rolls around and I still have not heard anything from this person. I wish them a happy Christmas and do not hear anything back from them . After the break, they turn up to lectures for the first few weeks. It was nice to see them and we began chatting again. In one outing, we were sat with friends only for them to say something very inappropriate about me. I laughed it off but a few people around commented afterwards about it being a little off.

A week later and this person isn’t turning up again to class. I ignore it as I have a fair bit going on around me. I text a few times over those weeks but there is no response. Their birthday rolls around and I buy them a present and card. I ask them when they will next be in. They say a specific date. The date rolls around and they didn’t turn up. I ask if they’re okay only to be told they have missed the bus but they will be in the following day. The following day rolls around; they’re still not in uni. I am getting a little miffed . I had cancelled plans with a few friends to try and give this person their birthday present. I decided to be polite and ask if they wanted to meet up in a nearby cafe halfway between their commute and my accommodation. They agrees only to turn round the morning I am getting ready and cancel.

I text them asking if they want it after the Easter holidays. They say yes, only for sure enough, then to bale on me again. I try texting them over the Easter only to have no reply. A month later, I find out from a friend they are seemingly having a “ mental break from social media and texting”. I did not have a problem with that, but it came across as odd after speaking to a few of our friends and mutual acquaintances that they weren’t consulted either.

Exams and assignments are in full season. The person hasn’t turned up to lecture in more than three months at this point or anyone has seen them. I find out from a friend they have tried reaching out only to get no reply but seemingly this person is planning on staying on for second year . I try and do the same by texting them ; still nothing. I decide to give it a break and text them today. In the first time in literally months, they respond. We have a small chat and ended it seemingly on a good note . I did not push anything about their absence or behaviour around the group , just genuinely trying to keep the subject neutral on matter such as work, having a nice break etc. . A few hours later, after the conversation has ended, they text asking that they don’t want to seem ” impolite and pushy ” , but they wondered why I bothered contacting them in the first place.

I explained I was concerned and hadn’t heard from them in months and people around them were getting worried. I know a few friends have gotten fed up with them and advised me to drop them. I am genuinely getting irked with this person but I don’t know what is the best way to go about with them either.

Reply 1

alisafedeneva

It seems to me that they want to be left alone and you aren't reading the signals. They may be down to have some small talk with you once in a while, but generally want to be left alone.

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

Original post by alisafedeneva

It seems to me that they want to be left alone and you aren't reading the signals. They may be down to have some small talk with you once in a while, but generally want to be left alone.

Turns out they have dealt with some difficulty from some harassment by a particular individual at uni They explained they valued me as a friend and a few others, but needed a little time to sort it out.

Reply 3

Anonymous #2

i genuinely think you should leave them a lone because they clearly want to be by themselves. You keep making a lot of effort to contact them (which is kind of you) but its unfair that this friendship is not reciprocated.