Feel sorry for not being nice to a person

There is a former coworker of mine who is autistic (Asperger). He was a lab technician at a place I worked as an optometrist. We spent a lot of time together at work and it was fine with me when he was flirting in a strange way. I made it clear that I'm in a relationship and we are just friends. We had a lot in common besides work, which made it fun working together. I knew I was his only female friend who was not a family friend and we spent some time outside of work as well (common interests). As the time past he was contacting me more and more and talk about personal things. I was going through some things myself so I didn't have enough powers for him. Usually I'm very nice and I try to find a way at least to support a person, give some random advice to work with or a point of view, but with him it was very difficult. I didn't know how to approach him in a way of not criticizing but really giving a useful advise. He asked me a few times to help him start a conversation with a girl, he even invted me to a bar to see how he does things and give comments, I went once just because I wanted a break of my own problems. He came to a conclusion it is a good idea because I agreed to that once, so he kept asking me to do that again.
When I left work we continue texting, he kept inviting me to places (festivals, bars, events, trips etc...), I was genuinely too busy most of the times but sometimes just told I have other things to do, I even missed one event I wanted to go to just because he asked if I'm going to that event...
Later I just started ignoring him... finally he stopped messaging me. I felt relief.

Now I feel I'm such a bad person. I want to apologize but I know he will understand it differently, I don't want any contact with him, not because he is not a nice guy, he is just annoying and drains too much energy from me. On the other hand I'm sorry for acting this way but I still can't see another way to make him stop being annoying... I feel bad for being an ugly person, but I also feel bad for feeling bad.

Some recent events just made me think about it all so many times.

Reply 1

Muttly

20

No, you are not a bad person, in fact you went above and beyond for what many people would have done for this guy.

Unfortunately you were fighting a losing battle against a mindset that could easily have misinterpreted your actions - to want your friendship and to progress to a sexual level? He would perhaps be likely to get very fixated with you easily. He probably enjoyed your contact and wondered if he could progress this to something more?

If you gave him any ray of hope by returning his thoughts of admiration for you it could have been misconstrued into something that was not.

It was probably the case that your friend has enjoyed your company and wanted it to continue. You have done the only reasonable thing you could here and that was to 'gently' and kindly let this guy know where your personal boundaries were. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind to ensure your own actions are not misinterpreted and that is difficult to achieve. The more you correspond, the more it gets complicated.

The fact that you have worried over this demonstrates a very kind and caring personality - so please don't worry about being an 'ugly' person. Far from it. You will have been one of a number of people, a stepping stone in his life of navigating relationships. You have done your bit, put your stone down. It is now someone else's turn to find another stone for him to find his way along the path.

You have given your help in the best way you thought possible. You have now withdrawn yourself from direct involvement but are still curious. From now on you watch this 'game' from the stands, rather than you being a player involved on the pitch. Every intervention of help has to have a start and an end.

Reassure yourself that you did your level best to help a man who needed help and that is a wonderful thing. Many would have just ignored his plight.

Reply 2

Kathy89

OP

20

Original post by Muttly

No, you are not a bad person, in fact you went above and beyond for what many people would have done for this guy.

Unfortunately you were fighting a losing battle against a mindset that could easily have misinterpreted your actions - to want your friendship and to progress to a sexual level? He would perhaps be likely to get very fixated with you easily. He probably enjoyed your contact and wondered if he could progress this to something more?

If you gave him any ray of hope by returning his thoughts of admiration for you it could have been misconstrued into something that was not.

It was probably the case that your friend has enjoyed your company and wanted it to continue. You have done the only reasonable thing you could here and that was to 'gently' and kindly let this guy know where your personal boundaries were. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind to ensure your own actions are not misinterpreted and that is difficult to achieve. The more you correspond, the more it gets complicated.

The fact that you have worried over this demonstrates a very kind and caring personality - so please don't worry about being an 'ugly' person. Far from it. You will have been one of a number of people, a stepping stone in his life of navigating relationships. You have done your bit, put your stone down. It is now someone else's turn to find another stone for him to find his way along the path.

You have given your help in the best way you thought possible. You have now withdrawn yourself from direct involvement but are still curious. From now on you watch this 'game' from the stands, rather than you being a player involved on the pitch. Every intervention of help has to have a start and an end.

Reassure yourself that you did your level best to help a man who needed help and that is a wonderful thing. Many would have just ignored his plight.

Thanks so much for your answer. I really appreciate it.
I still can't help thinking I could've done better, could've been kinder.

Reply 3

Guru Jason

21

I swear this is copypasta that I've even seen on this site not 6 months ago

(edited 10 months ago)

Reply 4

Kathy89

OP

20

Original post by Guru Jason

I swear this is copypasta that I've even seen on this site not 6 months ago

????

I guess some girls might have been in a similar situation. Some recent events just made me think about it this way...

Reply 5

Guru Jason

21

Original post by Kathy89

????

I guess some girls might have been in a similar situation. Some recent events just made me think about it this way...

I don't doubt that you're not genuine, you are. I just had a weird deja vu moment. I guess I've just been here too long. Nothing new under the sun and all that