How to accept allegations?

So recently I found out that a girl I was seeing briefly and all of her friends have been spreading a bunch of stuff about me. They haven't accused me of anything really serious or specific but have basically been saying to everyone that I kept on trying to make advances on lots of girls and that I would look at some of them in a weird way - in other words I have been accused of sexual harassment.

I really don't know how to deal with or respond to this, I'm a pretty sensitive person and can't really just shrug off things said about me, particularly when they like this. Deep down I feel like what has been said is really unfair and untrue but I don't feel like I can fight it in any way. For a start, all of these people are far more popular and well respected people than me, I am just an irrelevant guy that no-one (at least at my uni) cares about so there is no point in actually trying to say anything because people will just think I'm an even bigger idiot than I already am.

And the thing is I've always been taught to believe women when they make accusations against male misconduct and I'm not going to change my mind and become some quasi-incel just because of this. I still absolutely believe we should listen to people who accuse others of sexual harassment. Since the breakup my mental health as been really bad for months and I have spoken on forums to women who feel as bad having been through abusive relationships and then no one has listened to them afterwards so I understand why we accept allegations. But now I just have no idea how to feel because I can't really square that with the fact I don't feel like what others have said about me is fair.

And to be honest it doesn't really matter whether anything people say about me is fair or true because whether I make people uncomfortable or people find me creepy is subjective. It's very difficult for me to have any real confidence in interacting with anyone my age knowing that is what people think of me. I have become progressively more scared to go outside at uni knowing this is how people judge me.

Reply 1

Zarek

From what you say, it may not be as negative as you perceive. Many guys get branded as a bit thirsty and trying too hard and in the context of typical dating situations this is not usually the same as sexual harassment. Also post breakup, a camp against you and some things said that don’t seem very fair is also pretty normal and has to be taken on the chin. I would take some soundings and support from friends and allies too. Reflect if there is anything you want to do differently in future and otherwise don’t worry, your attitude overall seems healthy. Uni is both a rewarding and a very challenging social environment

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

Original post by Zarek

I would take some soundings and support from friends and allies too.

Would be a lot easier if I actually had any lol.

What you say about guys being branded as thirsty and that not necessarily being harassment is kinda helpful, I never thought of it that way. It's still not really a nice thing to hear about you particularly when you are already someone who is just anxious about how he comes across to others. And I still have my doubts that's how others see it, like after all I basically got excluded from my entire friend group, people on my course act differently towards me etc.

I get that disputes like this are a pretty normal part of breakups but normally people just move on, each side will have their support etc. but it hasn't been something I can just put in the past. It's been 9 months now, I have let the situation completely ruin my year, it's not something I've just been able to accept and I've given it a lot of time yet at this point I feel worse than ever about what happened. And now what I've heard recently just makes everything 10x more difficult, my therapist/family/other people giving advice always say 'people really don't care about you that much, no-one is thinking about you or inventing stuff you have done' so it's pretty painful to then find out that everything I thought I was just catastrophising about was actually true.