My boyfriend won't move into the property I buy!?

daisymay1996

we're 27 and been together for 3 years.

my dad died and left me some money so I am fortunate enough to be able to buy myself a small flat next year.

I told my boyfriend this and he said he would absolutely NOT move into this property and would rather live separately if this were the case.

Added to this I've had to move home w/ my mum so he has got a house mate for our current flat we lived in together. He told me he wouldn't move anywhere else or wait for me because it's so cheap and didn't want to move anywhere different. I wanted to as it's very small and I mainly WFH.

I just feel like this is a massive deal and he isn't making a life for US but just for HIM.

Reply 1

Dunnig Kruger

16

If you end up leaving your boyfriend over this, so be it.

You'll be able to attract other men easily enough. And you'll have your freedom.

Reply 2

nonchalant-

9

He's clearly not ready for that commitment

(edited 6 months ago)

Reply 3

londonmyst

19

He is making his dealbreakers and relationship expectations crystal clear to you.
The two of you are no longer compatible in terms of ambitions and lifestyle preferences.
Looks like the relationship is approaching the end of its shelf life.

Reply 4

Cote1

20

Red flag for your relationship.

Reply 5

Surnia

20

Finances can be one of the biggest causes of conflict in a relationship. Have you discussed with him what his contribution would be towards the flat, bills etc? Not that it should be all on you to explain this, as he should be mature enough to ask questions; I'm just wondering if it's a bit of envy or he's hiding something about his monetary situation.

(edited 6 months ago)

Reply 6

StriderHort

21

Yo this might be outlandish AF, but ask him why. Maybe he doesn't want to be 'kept' in a v uneven relationship? depending on the relationship, I'd be a bit uncomfortable if my girlfriend could kick me out at 0 notice if we argued, especially if I was already settled somehwhere... I might not want to put myself in such a precarious and one sided position on a girlfriends say so

Reply 7

Sorcerer's Storm

20

You haven’t really gone into much detail about exactly why he doesn’t want to move. What’s his specific reasoning for not wanting to move in?

Reply 8

Anonymous #1

I was in a relationship (quite happily) when my girlfriend told me she wanted to buy a house near her new job because commuting was proving really tough. That proved quite challenging for me

She was earning more money and didn't need any help to do this - which made me feel bad in lots of ways

It really stress tested our relationship and forced us to have some important conversations . . . sounds like you need to do that

Reply 9

daisymay1996

OP

6

He doesn't want me to own somewhere and be in charge of the property. We thought about buying together but he says he doesn't have enough money, although we share finances and I know he does.

I know it's a big step but I don't want him to hold me back from buying..

He would much rather live with his friends tbh, we moved in in lockdown together when his friends were back at home.

We had a really nice time living together but lately I've realised it was all on his terms.

EXAMPLE: we listened to his music, his podcasts, did what he wanted on the weekends, always saw his friends and when he had to visit me at home when my dad passed away in Jan this year he was always very moody and created arguments. He was also very resentful of my mum for taking me away from him

Original post by Sorcerer of Old

You haven’t really gone into much detail about exactly why he doesn’t want to move. What’s his specific reasoning for not wanting to move in?

Reply 10

daisymay1996

OP

6

Totally agree - we have had a conversation about it - he is not the easiest to talk to and will say things such as "you're always making me out to be a horrible person" etc. When I'm just having a conversation about different things we might want.

I would never kick him out, I'm not very confrontational but that's fair enough. I don't think he should hold me back from buying though?

Original post by StriderHort

Yo this might be outlandish AF, but ask him why. Maybe he doesn't want to be 'kept' in a v uneven relationship? depending on the relationship, I'd be a bit uncomfortable if my girlfriend could kick me out at 0 notice if we argued, especially if I was already settled somehwhere... I might not want to put myself in such a precarious and one sided position on a girlfriends say so

Reply 11

StriderHort

21

Original post by daisymay1996

Totally agree - we have had a conversation about it - he is not the easiest to talk to and will say things such as "you're always making me out to be a horrible person" etc. When I'm just having a conversation about different things we might want.

I would never kick him out, I'm not very confrontational but that's fair enough. I don't think he should hold me back from buying though?

My thoughts would be that if you had been to get the/a place together it obv would be a huge step, so it might be a matter of cutting through the layers of excuses to get to what he really feels about it. If he is genuinely more enjoying living with his pals for now that might just be the phase he is at, I enjoyed it for a good few years but like most people eventually got sick of it and wanted more personal space and control.

I don't think it should stop you though, regardless of whether you move to it or not it would likely be a solid use of the money. I got a similar inheritance last year and bought a small place. I didn't really consult my partner or ask them to move with me either, as for now this is me building for ME and my own security tbh, but certainly might become building for US down the line in terms of rental income or collateral to buy somewhere else - looking at the state of mortgagers and seeing flats I used to rent a decade+ ago spiral out of my budget I'm well happy to have got out of all that landlord crap for good.

My boyfriend won't move into the property I buy!?

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