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I found out he has a girlfriend - what do I do?!?
I found out he has a girlfriend - what do I do!?! So I met a guy a few weeks ago. He's originally from my area but currently lives in London for work - he's very successful. We really hit it off and I thought he was the best thing since sliced bread. I'm no stranger to one-night stands and given that I knew he lived in another city I decided to just go for it. He did kiss me first but we ended up going back to mine. I had a fantastic night and it didn't feel like a casual thing for me. To be blunt, I really liked him. His ambition and drive were a strong attraction for me as I'm a budding business person myself. He was like no other guy I'd met my age (mid-twenties). But I did give myself a reality check and accepted I may not see him again. I told him outright that I would like to see him again but appreciate if that's not practical. He asked for my number, was affectionate and sweet, then left.
*In the few weeks since then he has been messaging me and generally asking me how things are going, telling me about his day, but definitely being flirtatious and making comments about wishing he were here etc. I was pleasantly surprised and excited when he asked if I would like to catch up this weekend (he was visiting family). We didn't make firm plans but were chatting on Fri night. When I contacted him yesterday morning to make arrangements he basically didn't reply. Alarm bells were ringing and I was really disappointed that he didn't follow through with wanting to see me - after all it was his suggestion, not mine!
*Then I get the bombshell. Curiosity killed the cat and I went on his FB (not friends - just searched his name) to show my housemate a photo. To cut to the chase I discovered that he has a long-term girlfriend and they are definitely still together - she had just posted from his house this evening.
*I've had a bit of time to digest this and my mind and heart are in a right tizz! I feel hurt, foolish, stupid, betrayed, and incredibly guilty. It's worse than just being blown off - he's actually a complete scumbag and getting away with it unashamedly. He just doesn't seem the type at all and I am so shocked. I've decided not to be reactionary and just wait until he gets in touch which will likely be soon. I have realised that he means trouble and there is no positive way forward.
*But what I am really struggling with is what is the right thing to do given that I now know this? Confront him? Ask him if he's single and give him the opportunity to fess up? What about her? Do I leave it or do I say something? I just don't know!
*What if you were her? Would you want to be told? It's making me feel sick but I want to act out of what is right and not out of anger so an outside perspective would be appreciated!
*In the few weeks since then he has been messaging me and generally asking me how things are going, telling me about his day, but definitely being flirtatious and making comments about wishing he were here etc. I was pleasantly surprised and excited when he asked if I would like to catch up this weekend (he was visiting family). We didn't make firm plans but were chatting on Fri night. When I contacted him yesterday morning to make arrangements he basically didn't reply. Alarm bells were ringing and I was really disappointed that he didn't follow through with wanting to see me - after all it was his suggestion, not mine!
*Then I get the bombshell. Curiosity killed the cat and I went on his FB (not friends - just searched his name) to show my housemate a photo. To cut to the chase I discovered that he has a long-term girlfriend and they are definitely still together - she had just posted from his house this evening.
*I've had a bit of time to digest this and my mind and heart are in a right tizz! I feel hurt, foolish, stupid, betrayed, and incredibly guilty. It's worse than just being blown off - he's actually a complete scumbag and getting away with it unashamedly. He just doesn't seem the type at all and I am so shocked. I've decided not to be reactionary and just wait until he gets in touch which will likely be soon. I have realised that he means trouble and there is no positive way forward.
*But what I am really struggling with is what is the right thing to do given that I now know this? Confront him? Ask him if he's single and give him the opportunity to fess up? What about her? Do I leave it or do I say something? I just don't know!
*What if you were her? Would you want to be told? It's making me feel sick but I want to act out of what is right and not out of anger so an outside perspective would be appreciated!
Poor poor you I'm so sorry 
do not message him or get into contact with him, remain dignified. If he messages you, you can always send him a screenshot of his Facebook profile and kindly remind him he's not exactly being boyfriend of the year here
do not message him or get into contact with him, remain dignified. If he messages you, you can always send him a screenshot of his Facebook profile and kindly remind him he's not exactly being boyfriend of the year hereOriginal post by Pinkberry_y
Poor poor you I'm so sorry do not message him or get into contact with him, remain dignified. If he messages you, you can always send him a screenshot of his Facebook profile and kindly remind him he's not exactly being boyfriend of the year here
do not message him or get into contact with him, remain dignified. If he messages you, you can always send him a screenshot of his Facebook profile and kindly remind him he's not exactly being boyfriend of the year hereThanks. I will see what he does. I'm just torn on whether I should let her know what he did.
Original post by Anonymous
Thanks. I will see what he does. I'm just torn on whether I should let her know what he did.
I would let her know. Definitely.
Original post by Anonymous
Thanks. I will see what he does. I'm just torn on whether I should let her know what he did.
Alright so I'm going to say this first, if it was me I would definitely like to be told too, however, if you do say anything it will only make you look bad i.e: that you're bitter about the fact that you slept with him and he will most likely never be with you because he's in a 'long term relationship'. But not only that, just I don't think it's your place.
Also, please don't take this harshly but even though he is 1000% in the wrong and you didn't do anything because you are single. The fact of the matter is, it was a one night stand; you guys just slept together and whilst there's nothing wrong with that, it was very unlikely just from that situation, that he had any intentions of getting in a relationship with you or taking it further than a **** buddy relationship. He's a douche bag, when he suggested that you meet up again, he basically meant in the way so you guys can sleep together again and just have sex. Not in the form of going on dates etc. So I think when you suggested meeting up, you probably said something like getting drinks, lunch, dinner, catching up right? Well one of the other reasons why he might've ignored the message is because he's not interested in doing that with you.
He basically wants to keep/have you on the side to sleep with whenever for some excitement and a different experience whilst he has he girlfriend whom he probably (not to make him sound any better) really loves and wants to start a family with one day. Not to say he didn't really like you, he probably did care about your day and like your personality and all those things were probably true about him which is why you started to like him. But those are just the facts, I'd say wait for him to reply, when he does, say something along the lines of 'I was worried/confused as to why you didn't reply but so I checked you out and discovered you have a girlfriend, just let him know that in future he shouldn't treat her like that and stop talking to him and move on because he's not worth anything.
(edited 7 years ago)
Original post by liquidconfidence
Alright so I'm going to say this first, if it was me I would definitely like to be told too, however, if you do say anything it will only make you look bad i.e: that you're bitter about the fact that you slept with him and he will most likely never be with you because he's in a 'long term relationship'. But not only that, just I don't think it's your place.
Also, please don't take this harshly but even though he is 1000% in the wrong and you didn't do anything because you are single. The fact of the matter is, it was a one night stand; you guys just slept together and whilst there's nothing wrong with that, it was very unlikely just from that situation, that he had any intentions of getting in a relationship with you or taking it further than a **** buddy relationship. He's a douche bag, when he suggested that you meet up again, he basically meant in the way so you guys can sleep together again and just have sex. Not in the form of going on dates etc. So I think when you suggested meeting up, you probably said something like getting drinks, lunch, dinner, catching up right? Well one of the other reasons why he might've ignored the message is because he's not interested in doing that with you.
He basically wants to keep/have you on the side to sleep with whenever for some excitement and a different experience whilst he has he girlfriend whom he probably (not to make him sound any better) really loves and wants to start a family with one day. Not to say he didn't really like you, he probably did care about your day and like your personality and all those things were probably true about him which is why you started to like him. But those are just the facts, I'd say wait for him to reply, when he does, say something along the lines of 'I was worried/confused as to why you didn't reply but so I checked you out and discovered you have a girlfriend, just let him know that in future he shouldn't treat her like that and stop talking to him and move on because he's not worth anything.
Also, please don't take this harshly but even though he is 1000% in the wrong and you didn't do anything because you are single. The fact of the matter is, it was a one night stand; you guys just slept together and whilst there's nothing wrong with that, it was very unlikely just from that situation, that he had any intentions of getting in a relationship with you or taking it further than a **** buddy relationship. He's a douche bag, when he suggested that you meet up again, he basically meant in the way so you guys can sleep together again and just have sex. Not in the form of going on dates etc. So I think when you suggested meeting up, you probably said something like getting drinks, lunch, dinner, catching up right? Well one of the other reasons why he might've ignored the message is because he's not interested in doing that with you.
He basically wants to keep/have you on the side to sleep with whenever for some excitement and a different experience whilst he has he girlfriend whom he probably (not to make him sound any better) really loves and wants to start a family with one day. Not to say he didn't really like you, he probably did care about your day and like your personality and all those things were probably true about him which is why you started to like him. But those are just the facts, I'd say wait for him to reply, when he does, say something along the lines of 'I was worried/confused as to why you didn't reply but so I checked you out and discovered you have a girlfriend, just let him know that in future he shouldn't treat her like that and stop talking to him and move on because he's not worth anything.
Hey thanks for your perspective and advice. I agree with you. When he gets in touch I will tell him I know he's not single and that what he's doing is wrong, and tell him I don't want anymore involvement with him.
I can see where you're coming from about the gf... It would only make me look bad and bitter, and I would probably enjoy the fallout more than I should. Though I hope she gets wise to it.
Not sure my tendency is not to mess in other peoples relationships.
I would go on gut instinct . Did you ever ask him about being single, although tbh you shouldnt have had to.
I wouldnt confront him yet, just collect evidence and consider whether I would send her all the screenshots. He would try and turn it round so id get enough evidence to make it impossible to deny. Theres a possibiliyu I might send it based on him not geting away with doing it to his existing partner and to others. Bit tirn though. You will need to check more deliberately in future.
I would go on gut instinct . Did you ever ask him about being single, although tbh you shouldnt have had to.
I wouldnt confront him yet, just collect evidence and consider whether I would send her all the screenshots. He would try and turn it round so id get enough evidence to make it impossible to deny. Theres a possibiliyu I might send it based on him not geting away with doing it to his existing partner and to others. Bit tirn though. You will need to check more deliberately in future.
Original post by Anonymous
Hey thanks for your perspective and advice. I agree with you. When he gets in touch I will tell him I know he's not single and that what he's doing is wrong, and tell him I don't want anymore involvement with him.
I can see where you're coming from about the gf... It would only make me look bad and bitter, and I would probably enjoy the fallout more than I should. Though I hope she gets wise to it.
I can see where you're coming from about the gf... It would only make me look bad and bitter, and I would probably enjoy the fallout more than I should. Though I hope she gets wise to it.
He is a ****, just see what he wants if he is interested in only sex then reveal you know he is a scumbag and his gf deserves better. He probably is sleeping with other girls besides his gf and you.
I have the same situation. The man I meet it been 5 weeks. We had been chatting phone calls for 3 sold weeks. In the beginning I told him I cannot stand to be lied too from a man.Oh for 3 weeks he never mentioned the girlfriend. They had a horrible fight the night before we meet on a dating site. I saw the red flags things didn't make sense. On the 3rd weekend we were going to meet. He sent this crazy text he was stopping all communication with me from Friday till Monday. He sent this text 5 minutes before he left work. I was ghosted for 3 long days. On Monday he came online and gave me a lot of stupid excuseI went 13 days breakingup with him. He couldn'ttext me are call me after he went home. 13 days later he calledme. He told me he had brokenup with the girlfriendthe night beforewe had started talking. He went back to her becausehe believedin giving2nd chance. This man know what to tell you to miss with your mind your morals. Well I boughtinto the story a week gone by. It's Friday again. He is gone for the weekend. Here I sit. I'm lost I've triedto cut it off he still manipulateme. I don'twant any part in breakingup a couple. I think he may have Narasisttraits. I'm 62 he is 66 girlfriendis 59.Help I need to have help how do I get out of this nightmare. Oh he says all these beautifulwords we have texted 3000 texts in 5 week. Thousand of hours on the phone till he went back to her. Please I need advicehow doI get out of this horriblenightmare. Lost in Alabama.
classic. harems ftw
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