Dear You...

X

Don't you cry! Poor Alex would hate people crying over him

I actually assumed you were talking about your female best friend ... Well, doesn't make a difference.

It took me two years to write this down, but it's about time I dealt with this.

Dear You,

I miss you. I'd like to think you're able to read this, somehow. I hope that you still exist, in soul, if not body. I hope that you found what you were looking for - the peace that you never found in life. I feel very alone without you. Nobody understands me quite the way you did. Nobody makes half the effort to make sure I'm ok as you did.

I wish it hadn't come to this. I wish, hell, I wish a lot of things. I wish you hadn't reached a point that you couldn't cope with life anymore. I wish that you had been able to talk to me about what was bothering you. Even now, almost two years to the day, I'm still not exactly sure what triggered you to do it. I don't despise you for what happened, because I've been on the brink myself - but you know that. I just wish I could've helped you and that you had told me what was wrong. Then I would've thought more carefully before answering your question. You asked me a basic question about the antidepressant you were on. I gave you an answer. We asked each other questions about that kind of thing a lot. My answer to your question and the knowledge it gave you was responsible for your death. *I* was at least partly responsible for your death. If you'd told me how bad you were feeling I wouldn't have given you that knowledge. But I should've known how you were feeling. We were close enough that we damned near finished each others sentences.

You were my best friend and the big sister that I never had all rolled into one, and above all else, you were a wonderful person. You believed in me when I never did, you got me to deal with how I was feeling, physically and mentally, and get help before it was too late, on both counts. If only I could have done the same for you. You were such a kind person, caring and compassionate - albeit with a scary, cold mask that you put on around everyone else. I'll hate myself for the rest of my life for my part in what happened to you, even if it was accidental. I should have known better, and I'm so, so sorry. I love you, my dear old friend. See you on the other side, love. If by some miracle, this message ever reaches you, say hello to my mother for me, please. I miss her too.

Bye Sis,

All my love,

Me

dear you,

i don't understand what happened at all. i knew we would never work out, but i still continued. i knew i would get hurt, but i was sucked in by your lies and thought that i wouldn't because you would never hurt me. it turns out that you did end up hurting me. i know im out of your life now, well you sort of shut me out to be more precise, but i still love you and will continue to quietly love you. im over here, and youre all the way over there, on the other side of the world. you made me feel so different to anyone else. i know you are who ive been looking for. people may read this and think of you as a jerk....and you are, but i cant help but not care. not a day goes by here i havent thought of you, i hope the same goes to you. although i doubt it, i hope you too keep thinking of me, i hope i wasn't just another girl to you.
ill keep waiting for you, but if you find your special someone and its not me, then ill leave just as quietly as ive been loving you all this time, because as long as youre happy, be it with me or not, i too will be happy.
i may be an idiot for liking you but i just can't help it.

i'm sorry i love you

love me

Dear You,

Your love is twisted. You were my whole, entire world and nothing could ever compare. Then slowly, bit by bit you started to tear it apart. You say it's love. I know different.
I am terrified of you now. Your not the person I fell in love with. You wont let me go. Your scared that I'll be with someone else. I will one day. I'll find the courage and I'll leave you forever.
I always wanted to be friends, but that would be impossible now.
I want to breathe, but you smother me with your jealousy, anger and obsession.
There isn't anybody else, there never has been. Your so caught up in your own guilt that your painting me the same as you. I have more respect for myself and my relationship to do that.
I have a friend. A male friend that you hate. You don't know this, but I've been speaking to him again. He reminds me of the normality you robbed me of. He makes me laugh despite everything. He has so much anger towards you, but he wont show it because he cares about my feelings too much. He truly cares about me. I was purely idiotic to cast him out of my life for you.
I feel trapped. I see no way out. I want this to end without getting anyone else involved, without hurting either of us more than need be. I can't see any way possible for that to happen anymore. My family has been through so much lately, I want to shield them from this.
Kisses became punches. You say they are my fault. I know deep down they are not. I pacify you to feel safe, protected, because if your not angry then I wont be hurt again.
I really don't understand why you would do this to me, it seems like hatred. You say otherwise.
Please, let me go.

- Me.

Dear you,

I am an idiot.

Me.