my frined self harms,help!!:&lt;

i'm send you a PM with a fantastic website on, and hopefully some good advice. didnt post the link on here as dont want no scumbags gatecrashing, as is a total haven :smile:

i've had some damn serious problems with self harm... generally involving stolen items of surgical equipment. so a good tip is to make sure your friend doesnt meet any dumb medical students who wont twig why theyre requesting certain items.
dont try and make them stop, as theres probably a complex mess of stuff around why theyre doing it. make it safe: i hada friend who actually used to take my blades to the needle exchange and buy me new ones as they knew it was better i had a nice clean blade stashed in my bra at all times than smashing glasses/ using rusty blades etc. get them learning some first aid if they wont go to a&e for stitches... make sure they always have saline and steri strips. i used to cut right down to the muscle and make it infected by injecting stuff in... make sure your friend isnt doing anything dumb like that!!!! and if anything gapes more than a cm tell them to get stitches, cos mine have all turned into big hard red lumps. maybe suggest they get a hepititis check and a tetanus booster... get one yourself while youre at it.

dont go on about it trying to make them feel guilty - but let them see that youre upset. thats what made me stop i think, that and the scars, theyre hideous. make sure that they feel they can be honest with you - that if they do somethign bad youll be there to help them sort things out.

Reply 22

lou p lou

2

that post was really useful fifi, could you possibly pm the link as well? one of my best mates has had a rough time recently- arguing with her bf, being ignored by her biological grandparents after tracing them (she was adopted at 4 months), arguing with her best friend of 10 years (they've not spoken for about 6 months now) and she decided that if she could get to 6 stone all her problems would be solved, i knew she had this eating problem and i knew she'd seen the doctors. to get to the point... the other day she went into the toilets at college looking a bit tired, she'd been a while so i went and checked on her + when i got in there she just started crying and crying while she was mopping up her arm. it was one of those *don't quite know what to say* moments, i don't know what else we can do for her (aside from tell her bf what an idiot he is with classic lines such as 'i'm sorry i make you cut yourself') she hasn't told the dr about the self-harming, but it seems that that kinda goes with the anorexia/bulimia (she goes through phases of both) and she is on anti-depressents and is seeing a counseller at college (who does know everything)... what else can be really done?

lou xxx

Reply 23

lou p

that post was really useful fifi, could you possibly pm the link as well? one of my best mates has had a rough time recently- arguing with her bf, being ignored by her biological grandparents after tracing them (she was adopted at 4 months), arguing with her best friend of 10 years (they've not spoken for about 6 months now) and she decided that if she could get to 6 stone all her problems would be solved, i knew she had this eating problem and i knew she'd seen the doctors. to get to the point... the other day she went into the toilets at college looking a bit tired, she'd been a while so i went and checked on her + when i got in there she just started crying and crying while she was mopping up her arm. it was one of those *don't quite know what to say* moments, i don't know what else we can do for her (aside from tell her bf what an idiot he is with classic lines such as 'i'm sorry i make you cut yourself') she hasn't told the dr about the self-harming, but it seems that that kinda goes with the anorexia/bulimia (she goes through phases of both) and she is on anti-depressents and is seeing a counseller at college (who does know everything)... what else can be really done?

lou xxx

what else to do? yeah, i have that feeling a lot... once youre drugged up and in therapy what more can anyone do 4 u? anorexia in itself can be an extension of the self harm as well - for most people its more than just looking skinny, and more trying to kill yourself slowly from the inside.
will PM you :smile:

Reply 24

Do Chickens Fly

8

Self-harm way of getting attention. It can be a precursor for suicide or parasuicide, or for those who consider such things disorders - a behavioral disorder. However, those who seek attention in one way or another, need it - they would be happier with it than without. Ignoring someone who seeks attention will harm them in the short term. If they are in an unstable state (which they apparently are) then there may only be the short term.

The most important thing you can do is to attend to them by listening to what they have to say. Ask them what they want, and ask how they wish to achieve it. Give your opinions on the issue, as it may be possible their logical vision is occluded by other factors. A friend will do their best to understand and wish their friend success in what they aim for (even if they personally disagree).

Referring to doctors is more an insurance measure than a real solution. It merely takes responsibility/moral liability away from yourself. It all depends on specific situation. I'd say you can only make them aware of their options, but shouldn't try to suggest one is any better than another - only the one that makes them most happy.

Reply 25

Do Chickens Fly

Self-harm way of getting attention. It can be a precursor for suicide or parasuicide, or for those who consider such things disorders - a behavioral disorder. However, those who seek attention in one way or another, need it - they would be happier with it than without. Ignoring someone who seeks attention will harm them in the short term. If they are in an unstable state (which they apparently are) then there may only be the short term.
QUOTE]

oh my good lord... could you be any more misguided?
the vast majority of self harmers do not reveal their injuries to anyone (which is how they get away with it for so long) and only seek medical assistance if they pass out and are caught. so how this can be attention seeking behaviour i do not understand?
its a very secretive practice that for most feels like a sign of weakness, the last thing you want to expose. i certainly never showed anyone my cuts, only ever revealed by accident if say some home made stitches popped and it the blood dripped. how that can be attention seeking i dunno either?
most self harmers thrive off of the pain, the chemicals released can become highly addictive. chemical dependency is a way to look at it. some people self-harm because of psychotic intrusions... i remember trying to cut a worm out my vein, nothing to do with causing pain or showing my pain to others, just a "logical" solution to the problem. a psychiatrist once said to me that self harm is a way of killing something inside you to save from killing your whole self... i think this is a good way of looking at it, internal body-modification.

Reply 26

Do Chickens Fly

8

Fair point; kind of a poor oversight by me.

Forgot about that side of it...

Reply 27

Apollo

11

Just be there for them to talk too.

Reply 28

Everdawn

13

a note to the newbie who tried to give me bad rep for this thread. I was not trying to be insensitive, I was serious. If they go to the hospital, they will not harm themselves becuase they will be under supervision.

Reply 29

bobmarley

OP

ok thnx ppl

Reply 30

Everdawn

a note to the newbie who tried to give me bad rep for this thread. I was not trying to be insensitive, I was serious. If they go to the hospital, they will not harm themselves becuase they will be under supervision.

But if you need to and you can't..... the things that can do to your head are unimaginable.

Reply 31

suspicious_fish

But if you need to and you can't..... the things that can do to your head are unimaginable.

screws with your head, but at least youre still alive. i spent months practically shackled to 2 nurses/orderlies to stop me from cutting etc and it was awful at the time but did keep me alive. to be honest there arent the facilities to look after people like that here... when i was on that kind of observation i was the only U18 in the county who could have that at that time due to staffing! makes you wonder what happened to the rest. hosptial without increased observations is a recipe for disaster with self-ahrm, the people i knew on "standard" 30 minute checks carried on with their behaviour as normal, even shorter check-periods make little difference as i nearly managed to kill myself when i went onto 5 minute checks. the important word there is "nearly" as its almost impossible to make the necessary preparations in such a short amount of time. makes you wonder if anything can make people safe when theres the extra pressures you get from institutionalisation and missing out on exam-work.

Reply 32

fifi53

screws with your head, but at least youre still alive. i spent months practically shackled to 2 nurses/orderlies to stop me from cutting etc and it was awful at the time but did keep me alive. to be honest there arent the facilities to look after people like that here... when i was on that kind of observation i was the only U18 in the county who could have that at that time due to staffing! makes you wonder what happened to the rest. hosptial without increased observations is a recipe for disaster with self-ahrm, the people i knew on "standard" 30 minute checks carried on with their behaviour as normal, even shorter check-periods make little difference as i nearly managed to kill myself when i went onto 5 minute checks. the important word there is "nearly" as its almost impossible to make the necessary preparations in such a short amount of time. makes you wonder if anything can make people safe when theres the extra pressures you get from institutionalisation and missing out on exam-work.

You're right about all of that, but remember that most self-harmers aren't endangering their lives in any way.

Reply 33

Leaby

I'll agree that often self-harm is for attention - if it is, then the person does not have a real problem. Obviously you should give them attention but you must be wary about this - subconsciously, if they think they can get attention every time they self harm then there's a chance that they'll keep doing it.
Signs that someone is self harming for attention include cuts etc that seem to be done in places that are normally visible - on the top of the hands, on the upper part of the arms, etc. If this is the case with your friend then the best way to stop them from doing it again is to make them realise that they've done it for attention (as they might not realise it themselves) without patronising them or making them feel bad about it (it can be kind've offensive for someone to tell them this). Obviously, be supportive! Your friend is probably going through a tough time.

Reply 34

randdom

20

bobmarley

my friend self harms and i was just wondering if any1 knows wot i can do!? :frown:

I used to self harm I went through a bad time and well that another story. What I can suggest is that your friend really isn't going to want you to tell them that what they are doing is sick and wronge ect they are probably feeling really bad about themselves anyway. The best thing that you can do for them is just sit and talk to them about why they are doing it. Some people do it because they feel they deserve to be punished some because they want some controll their are many reasons why people do it. If you friend really doesn't want to go to the doctor or tell their parents then you really shouldn't push it because that will be more likely to push them away.

If you do manage to get them to cut down on what they are doing or stop then you have to be prepared to help them. My boyfriend helped me and he would tell you that it wasn't easy. If you are going to support them then you should be prepared for tearfull phone calls in the middle of the night ect. I don't know maybe you friend will be different but I can only tell you what I have learnt from experiance. If they slip up and self harm then don't make them feel like they have failed just try and convince them to keep trying. It isn't easy but it is possible. There are lots of groups on the internet that your friend might want to get in contact with of people who do or used to self harm who they can talk to.

Some people may find the next bit a bit nasty but if your friend is cutting themselves like I used to their are a few things that i can suggest as an alternative. The first thing being to cut into candles instead. It may not help but it helped me. If they feel that they need to feel pain then they should try squeezing an ice cube as this is much less distructive. The last thing I can suggest is that they get a punch bag as this can help to relieve anger.

I hope this helps :rolleyes:

Randdom

Reply 35

randdom

Some people may find the next bit a bit nasty but if your friend is cutting themselves like I used to their are a few things that i can suggest as an alternative. The first thing being to cut into candles instead. It may not help but it helped me. If they feel that they need to feel pain then they should try squeezing an ice cube as this is much less distructive. The last thing I can suggest is that they get a punch bag as this can help to relieve anger.

I hope this helps :rolleyes:

Randdom

squeezing ice cubes is good... really really hurts and dripping (red) candle wax onto your hands... doesnt burn or scar them... but hurts and you get the fun of picking it all off afterwards

leaby

I'll agree that often self-harm is for attention - if it is, then the person does not have a real problem.

the opinion of basically every doctor and nurse i have seen is that parasuicide and self-harm cannot be dismissed as just attention seeking - there is clearly a problem there even if its not an illness as such. someone is clearly feeling a lot of pain to do something like that to themselves, whetehr thats agression/sadness/whatever. needs to be taken seriously.
the only thing i hate that i have heard of people doing is cutting just to take the piss out of some poor kid in their class who's doing it - makes me cross, but i guess again they have their issues they need to wrok through (though i dont think theres any drugs/therapy you can take for being a twat)

Reply 36

Leaby

I'll agree that often self-harm is for attention - if it is, then the person does not have a real problem. Obviously you should give them attention but you must be wary about this - subconsciously, if they think they can get attention every time they self harm then there's a chance that they'll keep doing it.
Signs that someone is self harming for attention include cuts etc that seem to be done in places that are normally visible - on the top of the hands, on the upper part of the arms, etc. If this is the case with your friend then the best way to stop them from doing it again is to make them realise that they've done it for attention (as they might not realise it themselves) without patronising them or making them feel bad about it (it can be kind've offensive for someone to tell them this). Obviously, be supportive! Your friend is probably going through a tough time.

Apologies, but I think that almost none of that's accurate.
Everyone is so quick to dismiss attention seeking without ever considering the question, why are they seeking attention? Doesn't that show that they have a problem? Shouldn't you pay them the attention and find out what's actually wrong with them? Some people cut cos it's the only way they have of telling people the agonies that are going on inside them.
And even if there's no "real" problem, isn't the fact that they feel the need to get attention in such an extreme way a problem in itself?
Cutting on your arms does NOT necessarily show attention seeking.
And never, ever, ever tell someone they're being an attention seeker - chances are they'll just cut worse cos of how you've made them feel. And above all, never treat a self-harmer like they're stupid.

Reply 37

KandyKane

My best friend used to self-harm too. She used to cut her arms pretty badly and squeeze the juice of a lemon onto the wounds to feel even more pain. She also banged her head against walls.
All I can say is that be there for your friend, listen to her (but never judge her, a mistake I did at first) and try to get professional help for her. If she doesn´t want to see a doctor, keep persuading her gently. It took me over a year to get my friend to see a doctor. I hope this helps.

Reply 38

Leaby

suspicious_fish

Apologies, but I think that almost none of that's accurate.
Everyone is so quick to dismiss attention seeking without ever considering the question, why are they seeking attention? Doesn't that show that they have a problem? Shouldn't you pay them the attention and find out what's actually wrong with them? Some people cut cos it's the only way they have of telling people the agonies that are going on inside them.
And even if there's no "real" problem, isn't the fact that they feel the need to get attention in such an extreme way a problem in itself?
Cutting on your arms does NOT necessarily show attention seeking.
And never, ever, ever tell someone they're being an attention seeker - chances are they'll just cut worse cos of how you've made them feel. And above all, never treat a self-harmer like they're stupid.

OK, I'll take back the "not a real problem" bit: I am basing what I said on personal experience which I shall not go into as I have friends who post on this board. What I did not say is that it is always for attention - I know quite a few people who self harmed and that last thing they ever wanted was attention for it. I did not bring this up as I myself have failed to help such people, I was just focusing on the attention reasons for doing it.
That cool?

Reply 39