Is there anything wrong with giving up my two year old son. I hate being a Mum.

I got pregnant at the age of 23 to a man I never loved. I was very lonely and just wanted a baby as I felt it would be the making of me. The second my son was born I realised I had made a massive mistake and that having a baby was nothing like I imagined. I had been very sheltered and immature in my reasonings for having a baby. I love my son but haven't got a maternal bone in my body and have struggled so hard the last two and a half years. I feel no bond and no enjoyment from him. I have had counselling, been diagnosed with postnatal depression when it got so bad I simply couldn't cope anymore. I've had counselling and cognitive behavioural therapy and while they've certainly helped, I have never felt like a Mum. Maybe if I were married, settled in a job and living in an area I liked then I would not be like this. But As it goes I am only starting out in life and live a very isolated life as I've had to move away from family and community to live in an area that had jobs in my field (social work).
My son's Dad offered to have him in the week so see if I am happier then. Currently I see my son every other weekend. Every two weeks I have him from Friday night to Sunday morning and I'm enjoying this set up. I no longer have the responsibility of his day to day care which I found so isolating and stressful and I'm able to enjoy the time we do have together. His Dad lives in a nicer area, with a large extended family, his Dad enjoy being a Dad and has taken naturally to it and he has a much better life with him.

I currently officially have custody but I am planning to give his Dad joint custody and continue with this arrangement. Do you think there's anything wrong with this? Obviously this is a very common set up but it is usually the Dad who see the child at the weekend.

I don't have any experience in this area so just looking for advice.

Reply 1

suedonim

15

doing what is best for your child is being a good mum. If your kid is happier only seeing you at weekends fine, if he isn't then it's not.

Reply 2

mkap

20

My dad had full custody as us, it was out of the norm as it was my dad who was devout to his kids while my mum was useless and walked away. you may not have a bond with your child but make him feel loved as possible by you and be in his life as much as you can cope with; nothing is worse than the feeling that you mum doesn't love you.

Reply 3

ckfeister

19

Original post by Anonymous

I got pregnant at the age of 23 to a man I never loved. I was very lonely and just wanted a baby as I felt it would be the making of me. The second my son was born I realised I had made a massive mistake and that having a baby was nothing like I imagined. I had been very sheltered and immature in my reasonings for having a baby. I love my son but haven't got a maternal bone in my body and have struggled so hard the last two and a half years. I feel no bond and no enjoyment from him. I have had counselling, been diagnosed with postnatal depression when it got so bad I simply couldn't cope anymore. I've had counselling and cognitive behavioural therapy and while they've certainly helped, I have never felt like a Mum. Maybe if I were married, settled in a job and living in an area I liked then I would not be like this. But As it goes I am only starting out in life and live a very isolated life as I've had to move away from family and community to live in an area that had jobs in my field (social work).
My son's Dad offered to have him in the week so see if I am happier then. Currently I see my son every other weekend. Every two weeks I have him from Friday night to Sunday morning and I'm enjoying this set up. I no longer have the responsibility of his day to day care which I found so isolating and stressful and I'm able to enjoy the time we do have together. His Dad lives in a nicer area, with a large extended family, his Dad enjoy being a Dad and has taken naturally to it and he has a much better life with him.

I currently officially have custody but I am planning to give his Dad joint custody and continue with this arrangement. Do you think there's anything wrong with this? Obviously this is a very common set up but it is usually the Dad who see the child at the weekend.

I don't have any experience in this area so just looking for advice.

Well, I would be purely against this but your choice.

Reply 4

donutellme

18

You're doing the best to fix your mistake.

But you should still understand how extremely selfish and stupid you were to bring a human into this world on a whim.

Reply 5

Little Popcorns

21

I don't have any experience of what you're describing but I do care a lot about child welfare and mental health, have you spoken to your social worker about just how bad you're feeling still? Surely it's worth trying everything before you decide that 'giving him away' is something you would seriously consider in which case I think he might go to his dad depending on what his circumstances. By the tone of your post it's clear you're still depressed and it'd be a shame if you didn't look further into getting help and support before you make any decisions. :hugs:

Reply 6

♥Samantha♥

19

Well maybe for now continue with the arrangement. But once you are happier with where you are in your life you need to see your child more, you need to let him know you love him. It's more important how this could affect him.

Reply 7

Anonymous #1

OP

I'm well aware my reasons for having my son were absolutely daft so no one needs to tell me. I've grown up since then and I'm now trying to do the right thing. I will still be a good Mum to him and love him and spend time with him on a regular basis. I have no plans to walk out of his life completely. I just would like to keep this arrangement because despite be trying desperately for almost three years to enjoy being a Mum and full time carer, I can't!

Reply 8

Anonymous #1

OP

I will enjoy him once he's older. I just never have enjoyed the company of children. I love people, and interaction will adults, just not children.

Reply 9

Anonymous #1

OP

I don't have a social worker. I actually am a social worker myself (oh the irony).

Reply 10

donutellme

18

Original post by Anonymous

I will enjoy him once he's older. I just never have enjoyed the company of children. I love people, and interaction will adults, just not children.

Keep in mind that he may hold a grudge against you for entering his life so late.

Reply 11

BrokenLife

15

My mum did that and I can never forgive her for that! I grew up as a very deprived child. The struggle was real. If you don't want your child to be hating on you in a few years time, then be there for him. I'm sorry how very selfish and irresponsible of you to say that even. If you didn't love your man, you should have taken a responsibility to not to have a child of that man at first place. How can you even think of effecting an innocent life!? You may think it won't effect him but it most certainly will. Seriously how hard is it to understand that do not have children until you have found the right person and you are ready to have children!!!

Reply 12

BrokenLife

15

Original post by donutellme

Keep in mind that he may hold a grudge against you for entering his life so late.

Might!?

Most certainly! I've been through it!

Reply 13

mkap

20

Original post by donutellme

Keep in mind that he may hold a grudge against you for entering his life so late.

Original post by User2072205

Might!?Most certainly! I've been through it!

exactly OP, ive grown to hate my mum and feel so much anger towards her for how she was with me.

Reply 14

meenu89

19

I personally you are trying to be a good mother- you feel unable to look after him so you are letting him be looked after by someone who can. I hope if I would do the same thing with my daughter if I was in your position. I hope as others have said that you will be able to be a part of his life as you feel able.

(edited 8 years ago)

Reply 15

bluepimpernel

6

Original post by Anonymous

I'm well aware my reasons for having my son were absolutely daft so no one needs to tell me. I've grown up since then and I'm now trying to do the right thing. I will still be a good Mum to him and love him and spend time with him on a regular basis. I have no plans to walk out of his life completely. I just would like to keep this arrangement because despite be trying desperately for almost three years to enjoy being a Mum and full time carer, I can't!

Some people aren't meant to be parents and I guess this is your case. No offense, but your words sound incredibly selfish in my ears. You weren't ready to bring a child to the world yet you did so out for the sake of having your ego fulfilled. Now it's time to assume you were the one who willingly had unprotected sex and was well aware of the risks of doing so, such as unwanted pregnancy or STDs. Children, specially as young as 2, need their parents constantly otherwise they will be ridden of mental health issues. No offense, but if you're seriously thinking on handing out the responsibility over your own son to his father, maybe you didn't really love him at all.

(edited 8 years ago)

Reply 16

BrokenLife

15

Original post by mkap

exactly OP, ive grown to hate my mum and feel so much anger towards her for how she was with me.

I wished I could use a word stronger than anger. I hate my mum and I'm not even ashamed of it. Only I know how deprived, lonely and unwanted I felt growing up without a mother. I will NEVER forgive her. NEVER!!

Reply 17

Kvothe the Arcane

20

You would be a good parent to give him up.
I have lived with someone who didnt want me. Its unpleasant and leaves you damaged and needy.

You can reenter the child's life when youre up to it, if ever. Dads can make good single parents!

Reply 18

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by meenu89

I personally you are trying to be a good mother- you feel unable to look after him so you are letting him be looked after by someone who can. I hope if I would do the same thing with my daughter if I was in your position. I hope as others have said that you will be able to be a part of his life as you feel able.

Thank you. I have no intention of abandoning him. Fathers have this sort of arrangement very often but then a Mother does it is is seen as shocking. I will see him every other weekend. I thought I would be a great mother. Unfortunately I only discovered I wasn't maternal after having him and there is absolutely nothing more I can do about it. I am enjoying this arrangement and being a good Mother at the moment. I feel this arrangement is working and thats why I want to keep it this way :-)

Reply 19

bluepimpernel

6

Original post by User2072205

I wished I could use a word stronger than anger. I hate my mum and I'm not even ashamed of it. Only I know how deprived, lonely and unwanted I felt growing up without a mother. I will NEVER forgive her. NEVER!!

I can sympathize, albeit for me it was the opposite. It was my father who walked away when I was 8 and decided that he was sick and tired of dealing with life. He showed no qualms in kicking us out of our house and if not for my mum having the bigger guts ever, I can't even begin to imagine where me and my siblings would have been. For me, my parents are my mum and my gran, as they're the ones who have acted as such. Having a great parent like your dad or my mum is a treasure, and people do need to appreciate that.

Is there anything wrong with giving up my two year old son. I hate being a Mum.

Quick Reply

Related discussions

Latest

Trending

Trending

Articles for you