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(edited 7 years ago)

Good points, written badly. It's all over the place, there's no flow and some points aren't highlighted enough.

These roles are critical for the school and are considered to be a position of prestige within the student body.
I feel that I can be a great leader; coaching and collaboratively working with a team of people to achieve our shared goals of making our school proud and respected within the community. I feel that I possess an approachable, humorous and passionate personality that would support and welcome any student or teacher that I work alongside.
Previously, I have upheld numerous positions and supported events in a professional manner, for example, I have volunteered at Open Evening's which required me to guide parents around the school and liaise with them in a professional and mature manner, a skill which I feel I excel at. I have also raised awareness for various charities by selling badges around the school - I successfully raised XXX. I also excelled in my studies and am proud to say that my poetry was published in a book, which I read aloud to an audience - a real confidence boost! (any other roles? or achievements?)
I would like to use my motivation, determination and passion for helping vulnerable people and academia to bring our academic community together. I even have a few suggestions and ideas to put forward, such as XXXXX
I am also a Peer Mentor, in that I support younger students with any issues and concerns they have, passing on sensitive information and dealing with situations in a confidential manner. I feel this role has enhanced my communication and listening skills and provided me with a level of responsibility and trust - skills and experience which are vital for these roles.

Finally, I want to pursue this role as a way of saying 'Thank You' to those that supported me and allowed me to be as successful as I am now. I'd love to leave this school knowing that I have given something back and had the opportunities to make a difference.

(edited 7 years ago)

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