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Anyone like to mark my essay? please?
I've just written a "writing to persuade" essay in prepparation for my english language exam on tuesday!
since my teacher is on maternity leave, I won't get any e-mails replied to and I can't go to another teacher, since it's half term.
so, anyone (or two or thre or more
) interested in having a look?
give me your honest opinions please! the question is from GCSE English AQA A June 2007 Paper 1
many thanks in advance!
[Moderator edit: please do not post your essays]
since my teacher is on maternity leave, I won't get any e-mails replied to and I can't go to another teacher, since it's half term.
so, anyone (or two or thre or more
) interested in having a look?give me your honest opinions please! the question is from GCSE English AQA A June 2007 Paper 1
many thanks in advance!
[Moderator edit: please do not post your essays]
Scroll to see replies
rottcodd
I think you would be better off removing the attachment and getting people to PM you to critique it. As anybody could nick that right now.
?? I dont understand. Why would people want to nick it? Its not like they can take it into the exam. Also how can they PM him with comments if he has removed the attatchment?
I think the essay is great. I especially like all the short thoughtful rhetorical questions you seem to have. e.g. "Or will you". I think this is definatly A* material. Of course, I'm only 15 and not a GCSE marker so dont quote me!
That is an excellent essay, n_251 - you have facts, statistics, alliteration, rhetorical questions etc which are all the necessary components for an A* essay. Your vocabulary is very broad and very mature too, which will score you instant marks.
Your quote from an official is great, but what I recommend you do now is to memorise a few succinct quotes on relevant topics - smoking is a good one, school, health and safety, music...all relevant things. Your quote from Martin Luther King Jr. would earn you your popular culture reference which would gain marks also.
Judging by the mark scheme, I'd imagine your essay would be 25 or 26 out of 27, an easy A*
Your quote from an official is great, but what I recommend you do now is to memorise a few succinct quotes on relevant topics - smoking is a good one, school, health and safety, music...all relevant things. Your quote from Martin Luther King Jr. would earn you your popular culture reference which would gain marks also.
Judging by the mark scheme, I'd imagine your essay would be 25 or 26 out of 27, an easy A*
I do the OCR exam board but I had a look at it anyway and i thought all in all that was very well written. I would definately give you a high mark, I like your direct speech to the reader and the short snappy sentences that you used to argue your point.
I don't have any criticisms with this essay really but one general point. You've used several statistics in here, my question is would you be able to have such statistics under your belt if you were asked a different question? Research needs to be consistent so either put it in there if you know it or completely get rid of it if you don't. (this may be different for your exam board, you might get given prompts or something)...thats all i can think of to critique (see how nitpicky i had to be
)
but in all in all i think this was a great essay and I think you're going to do really well as long as you can write at speed and keep up the spelling, punctuation, grammar I think you can definately achieve a top grade.
oh and rottcod's point, it doesn't really matter if someone does nick it! they're not going to get a question 2 years in a row so it would be pointless to even think of that!
I don't have any criticisms with this essay really but one general point. You've used several statistics in here, my question is would you be able to have such statistics under your belt if you were asked a different question? Research needs to be consistent so either put it in there if you know it or completely get rid of it if you don't. (this may be different for your exam board, you might get given prompts or something)...thats all i can think of to critique (see how nitpicky i had to be
)but in all in all i think this was a great essay and I think you're going to do really well as long as you can write at speed and keep up the spelling, punctuation, grammar I think you can definately achieve a top grade.
oh and rottcod's point, it doesn't really matter if someone does nick it! they're not going to get a question 2 years in a row so it would be pointless to even think of that!
Robbie10538
?? I dont understand. Why would people want to nick it? Its not like they can take it into the exam. Also how can they PM him with comments if he has removed the attatchment?
I meant PM to ask them to send it. I just think publishing your practise answer to a previous exam question isn't a good idea, but I guess that's up to the OP.
Great essay - loved the introduction.
That is really well written, well done. Nice use of rhetorical questions and ending on a memorable and snappy sentence always works well. Keep it up! If you write something this good in an exam there's no doubt that you'll get an A, if not an A*
What an amazing essay! Good job! Definitely A* material.
Good job! Definitely A* material.First Paragraph: An excellent start with great use of language. However, I think that it sounds more like a speech rather than an article. Also, perhaps you could start with a dramatic event eg. A real life story, to introduce the topic, as the readers will be teenagers, and they are more likely to continue reading if the start is dramatic and straight to the point.
Second Paragraph: I like the way in which you have embedded facts from figures of high authority - as it lends credibility to the argument. I think the part above passive smoking is good - but the question does say that you need to persuade the readers not to smoke and I think that by focusing on passive smoking, it's slightly missing the point. However, the conclusion relating violence with smoking is excellent, and the use of figures, such as 92 % of innocent teenagers really adds to the effectiveness.
Third & Fourth Paragraph: Nice use of the rhetoric, especially the end of the fourth paragraph. The repeating use of the word "you" is also effective. I think you could expand on this paragraph by linking to previous points. For example, if you smoke, you could be physically violent, commit a crime to finance your habits, go to jail, never be able to face your parents again etc.
Fifth Paragraph: Very good potential in this paragraph - and it is effective. Perhaps you could expand again on the fact of the lung cancer patient, mabye with some graphic details ? This would enhance the argument that you are putting forward. You could also emphasise on the fact that he has lung cancer, a disease commonly associated with the older generation of smokers. However, this young child has it, and you could expand on the fact that the rest of his short life would be spent in misery.
Last 2 paragraphs: A very strong conclusion, especially the last sentence. Concise, and straight to the point.
Overall, a persuasive piece although do remember than it is an article - and NOT a speech, as the continuous use of the rhetoric seems to indicate that you are speaking to an audience. Also, remember that the target reader is teenagers, so perhaps use slightly more colloquial language at points and present hard-hitting, dramatic facts. However, I think it's a great effort, so well done
As to marks, I don't know what the essay is out of, since I am doing AQA Spec B. Is it the same mark scheme ?
Anyway, hope this helped - and good luck on Tuesday.
Second Paragraph: I like the way in which you have embedded facts from figures of high authority - as it lends credibility to the argument. I think the part above passive smoking is good - but the question does say that you need to persuade the readers not to smoke and I think that by focusing on passive smoking, it's slightly missing the point. However, the conclusion relating violence with smoking is excellent, and the use of figures, such as 92 % of innocent teenagers really adds to the effectiveness.
Third & Fourth Paragraph: Nice use of the rhetoric, especially the end of the fourth paragraph. The repeating use of the word "you" is also effective. I think you could expand on this paragraph by linking to previous points. For example, if you smoke, you could be physically violent, commit a crime to finance your habits, go to jail, never be able to face your parents again etc.
Fifth Paragraph: Very good potential in this paragraph - and it is effective. Perhaps you could expand again on the fact of the lung cancer patient, mabye with some graphic details ? This would enhance the argument that you are putting forward. You could also emphasise on the fact that he has lung cancer, a disease commonly associated with the older generation of smokers. However, this young child has it, and you could expand on the fact that the rest of his short life would be spent in misery.
Last 2 paragraphs: A very strong conclusion, especially the last sentence. Concise, and straight to the point.
Overall, a persuasive piece although do remember than it is an article - and NOT a speech, as the continuous use of the rhetoric seems to indicate that you are speaking to an audience. Also, remember that the target reader is teenagers, so perhaps use slightly more colloquial language at points and present hard-hitting, dramatic facts. However, I think it's a great effort, so well done
As to marks, I don't know what the essay is out of, since I am doing AQA Spec B. Is it the same mark scheme ?
Anyway, hope this helped - and good luck on Tuesday.
I actually think the essay has one big flaw..i feel your not engaging with your true audience, your writing too teenagers, and there isn't much use of colloqial language, as a teenager myself i got bored within the first sentence. Yes you engaged slightly into the other side...yet theres something not right with the article
I agree with the above.
Although the content is good, a key assessment objective is to engage with your audience.
Otherwise, good rhetorical questions, however, the start needs to adapt to the media source, i.e. it is an article - not a speech.
I would probably mark this at a B-/C+. With tweaking to the correct audience and adapting to the media, you would be on your way to an A*.
Well done!
Although the content is good, a key assessment objective is to engage with your audience.
Otherwise, good rhetorical questions, however, the start needs to adapt to the media source, i.e. it is an article - not a speech.
I would probably mark this at a B-/C+. With tweaking to the correct audience and adapting to the media, you would be on your way to an A*.
Well done!
anna_spanner89
I actually think the essay has one big flaw..i feel your not engaging with your true audience, your writing too teenagers, and there isn't much use of colloqial language, as a teenager myself i got bored within the first sentence. Yes you engaged slightly into the other side...yet theres something not right with the article
This is true. It was indeed a fantastic essay but Im really not sure that consider that you're writing to teenagers. The sarcasm comes across too intellectual and despite the brilliance of the essay it could possibly get an A for this reason.
Otherwise, this essay was fantastic.
It's well-written - definitely a good example of persuasive writing, but...
I think she's right. It seems more like a formal speech than an article aimed at teenagers, and use of slightly more informal, colloquial language would show the examiner that you've read the question properly and are writing an article for a teenage magazine, and not a pre-prepared essay that looks more like a speech.
Your style of writing suggests that you're intelligent, literate, and basically a good English student, so it would seem a shame to lose marks by forgetting about your target audience.
anna_spanner89
I actually think the essay has one big flaw..i feel your not engaging with your true audience, your writing too teenagers, and there isn't much use of colloqial language, as a teenager myself i got bored within the first sentence. Yes you engaged slightly into the other side...yet theres something not right with the article
I think she's right. It seems more like a formal speech than an article aimed at teenagers, and use of slightly more informal, colloquial language would show the examiner that you've read the question properly and are writing an article for a teenage magazine, and not a pre-prepared essay that looks more like a speech.
Your style of writing suggests that you're intelligent, literate, and basically a good English student, so it would seem a shame to lose marks by forgetting about your target audience.
Theres a reason why the question put 'teenage magazine' in the question..
Yes. It is an assessment objective. You have to engage with your audience and show awareness of your audience.
n_251
thanks for your responses, much appreciated.
I've always been told by my teacher not to use colloquial language in any circumstance, even if the audience is teenagers, so that's why I strayed away from it.
so, should I be using colloquial language if the audience are teenagers?
I've always been told by my teacher not to use colloquial language in any circumstance, even if the audience is teenagers, so that's why I strayed away from it.
so, should I be using colloquial language if the audience are teenagers?
Thats definately not true, i had a similar question in my 2006 english language paper, something like write a persuasive essay about a healthy diet in your school newsletter
and i wrote as if i was talking ABOUT teenagers, about why their diet was so bad, and i got a B in it, it was thereason i didn't get an A* in english language, when i got it back, i got marked down for not engaging with the audience through the presentation and style, and on the mark scheme it said 'appropiate use of colloqial language'
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