My lack of optimism for my future prevents me from planning for it

Year 13 here. Taking a gap year because I think that going to uni any time soon will destroy me.

I'm someone who's supposed to go to uni because of my good grades and the fact I use sophisticated vocabulary to disguise the fact that I'm just as clueless- if not more so- than everyone else.

I feel really lost at the moment. I thought for sure that I wanted to go to uni and study English literature with film, but now I'm not so sure. I never had a specific career in mind besides unrealistic ambitions of becoming a writer. I used to consider going into teaching, but I've become disillusioned with the education system recently, and I think re-joining it would be another sure-fire way of sending me to an early grave.

In general, I don't know what I want anymore. I like to watch TV and YouTube, write and sleep, but I've realised that doing only that makes me sort of numb and lonely. But, socialising isn't easy for me either; it's a draining experience that makes me hate myself. The only thing that I know for sure that I want is friends and family. I'll probably want a romantic partner at some point, but I don't have high enough self-esteem to believe that I'll end up anything other than alone, miserable and destitute. I suppose that I'll likely end up on minimum wage for the rest of my life with my lack of direction, and I'll doom myself to a miserable existence.

I think one of the main reasons I feel so dejected is that I'm trans/nonbinary, mostly closeted and the UK kinda sucks for us trans people at the moment. I feel like I'll never get to be who I truly am- and who I need to be in order to want to keep living. I can't transition privately because my family isn't well-off in the slightest. Every day, I experience varying levels of discomfort. I've never told anyone about my dysphoria because no one I know will get it. I feel so utterly alone.

I don't think anyone knows how difficult I'm finding just existing at the moment. I know there are people who have it worse off than me, so I feel bad about sounding so miserable. My exams start in a month and I really can't bring myself to do much because I feel so lost and defeated, as though I might as well give up now, because I haven't done nearly enough to do well.

I'm so sick of everything.

I feel like there's no point in thinking ahead, because I might not make it that far.

(edited 1 year ago)

Reply 1

Anonymous #1

Original post by mx-person

For mental health (and coming out of the closet), speak to a counsellor or a mental health professional.
For sense of direction, you would ideally speak to a career coach or a mentor of some sort (since you like writing, I suggest the mentor be a successful writer).

In terms of wealth, it's not that difficult to change your financial situation. Most of the difficulty is overcoming the mental conditioning in how people think about wealth. Having said that, it doesn't mean it's going to be exactly easy and you don't usually get it through a conventional job.
To get high paying jobs, you will need to put in a lot of effort in networking as well as doing the job well.

Whilst a degree in English Lit is not necessary to become a writer (because you can write anything without any qualifications), the degree won't limit you to just jobs in writing and teaching. You can use it to apply for various jobs in other areas where they accept qualifications from anyone with any background e.g. most areas in business (you might struggle with quants and actuary roles), law (solicitor), design, IT (not that you need a degree), civil service, admin, etc. You can also try to get a job in a publishing house, movies, TV production, or journalism, since they do not require any qualifications to begin with.
You don't often get that many high paying jobs that involves writing, but you can get something in copywriting (presuming you're very good). The thing is with copywriting is that you are more or less writing at a Year 5 reading level, so you can get bored very quickly.

I don't have much advice about finding a partner in the LBTQ community, since I am not a member myself. However, being able to find such a partner you would need to first be able to come out of the closet and be OK with it.

Irrespective of what your plans are, I wouldn't lose motivation for your exams since 1) it would be a complete pain to do them again and 2) it wouldn't look good on any application (CV, uni, or otherwise). I would try to muster the determination and strength to power through the next few months before you end up regretting it later on for reasons you don't need to be regretting them for.
At the very least, get a counsellor before your exams to help you with the stress.

The thing I would note that irrespective of how you want your life to turn out and how you feel, to change anything it all needs to start with you (as cheesy as it sounds). Whilst wallowing in despair sounds fun, it's not going to help your situation.

Quick Reply

Related discussions

Latest

Articles for you

Edexcel A-Level Economics Paper 1 - Unofficial Mark Scheme - 18 May 2023

What is an LLM and how could it benefit your career?

Powerful questions business students forget to ask their career advisers

Why I chose a law degree and what studying law was like