toxic person in my life- need advice

I need some advice- its about a friend I've had since i was in primary. I don't want to be friends with her because shes toxic. All I do with her is talk bad about others and she makes fun of people for doing things they might enjoy.Not to mention our personalities are completely different and we have different interests. I dont enjoy hanging out with her anymore and i want to cut her off but i see her in all of my lessons during school and she lives in the same community(basically i cant escape her until im done with my a levels and im in yr 12)- not to mention our parents are close and at gatherings or family parties, shes always there. Thing is, when other people are around, I feel as if i'm the last priority. We have another close family friend a year younger than us and when we're together she'll often walk right next to her and talk to her mainly and would often say "X come with me i need to go bathroom,come with me i need to get more food" and i feel left out. My mum told me not to cut her off as she'll never leave me alone(which is true tbh). Instead she said i should stand up for myself and tell her, but the thing is 1.im not confident and 2. this girl would make the biggest deal and would tell other people abt how i said smth to her- she'd get annoyed and would start showing attitude.shes also having problems with her main friend in school so keeps following me around during break and tries to hangout with my friends which does annoy me as everyone thinks she is so fun and hilarious(which is true to an extent don't get me wrong) but ive seen her other side which others don't see and i don't want to friends with her. What should i do?

Reply 1

Dunnig Kruger

16

Listen to your mum.

Use this as practise for you to get more confident.
Use this as practise for being professional when presented with a client that has a difficult personality.
Maintain your positivity, especially when your friend is on one of her negative rants.
Don't go out of your way to spend time with her. Don't go out of your way to not spend time with her.
Look to expand your social circle. Don't stay in the same cliques all the time.

Try to adopt a mindset where you feel pity for her (but keep this bottled up inside yourself and don't express it). And where you try to be a positive influence on her whilst being realistic about getting this horse to drink when you take her to water.

Aim to say a lot more daft / stupid / nonsensical / illogical stuff yourself. Because that's the route to great social skills.

Reply 2

Muttly

20

I know this is probably not the answer you want to hear, but you have a big advantage here in that your friend is very insecure and uses you as a reliable backstop because she so regularly 'falls out' with other people. She views you as 'safe' and because of that takes advantage of your kindness. You can be the link between many people and gain an insight into others. Often people who mock others know they do not have the courage to be free of the fear of other people's opinions and criticism.

Try to put up with your friends offloads and see if you can steer her away from holding onto poisonous thoughts to funny and happy ones. Not easy granted, but if you say something like 'yes I know' .... How about we do x or y to be a distraction. Try and work out why she is 'toxic' - what is happening in her family that leaches into her psyche and makes her so angry or unhappy inside. Ask her why she is sounding so unhappy or so angry. Ask her what you can do to help her be in a better place because you feel sad she is hurting so much?

It might just get her to think about how unhappy she really is and also to acknowledge that even in her rbf stage she is still needs someone like you as a friend and should look after you more than she does.

Reply 3

kimpo078

OP

9

Original post by Dunnig Kruger

Listen to your mum.

Use this as practise for you to get more confident.
Use this as practise for being professional when presented with a client that has a difficult personality.
Maintain your positivity, especially when your friend is on one of her negative rants.
Don't go out of your way to spend time with her. Don't go out of your way to not spend time with her.
Look to expand your social circle. Don't stay in the same cliques all the time.

Try to adopt a mindset where you feel pity for her (but keep this bottled up inside yourself and don't express it). And where you try to be a positive influence on her whilst being realistic about getting this horse to drink when you take her to water.

Aim to say a lot more daft / stupid / nonsensical / illogical stuff yourself. Because that's the route to great social skills.

Any advice on expanding your social circle? I've made a few new friends but that happened online during covid. I know im quiet, that's why many people don't really talk to me and usually talk to her more.

Reply 4

Dunnig Kruger

16

Original post by kimpo078

Any advice on expanding your social circle? I've made a few new friends but that happened online during covid. I know im quiet, that's why many people don't really talk to me and usually talk to her more.

You're looking at a book or a series of youtube videos for the most comprehensive advice on how to expand your social circle.

Starting with the inner you is a good place to start. Taking yourself and your life less seriously than you have been doing. Lightening up and being less heavy. Not being a perfectionist.

In parallel with working on your inner world, there's simple tips.
Like going round saying "Hey!" in a loud attention grabbing voice to people you don't know and then saying whatever comes out of your mouth next. Something really stupid or silly or outlandish or nonsensensical is fine. A positive, enthusiastic interaction from you and you will have broken the ice in a great way.

toxic person in my life- need advice

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