How do I get out of it? Love or unhealthy friendship?

Hello everyone. As I write this, I'm feeling terrible. The story is very long but I hope you can read it to the end. I need your advice.
My name is Ange, I'm currently 23 but the story started when I was 18.
In 2018 I met someone called Ed, I was 18 and he was 19. We were at the same university but on different courses. We were both members of a club at university (a debating club) and that's where we first met and became very close. I'll tell you a bit about our first meeting: he sat down next to me and we immediately started chatting as if we'd known each other for a long time. We even exchanged phone numbers. Then a week went by and I didn't hear from him again, until he called me in the middle of the night to talk about anything and everything (we were on the phone for 6 hours). The next day, we made a video call and stayed on the phone for another 6 hours. It became a habit. We became very close very quickly. It also turned out that he lived not far from me (10 minutes away) and that our parents even knew each other. It was great!
We spent a lot of time together, always hanging out, whether at university, in the neighbourhood, at the doctor's, wherever.
He's a very demanding person, whereas I was more of a homebody and didn't like parties. In fact, at the time, I never went out after 5pm. My parents were also very strict. And then one day he asked me to go to a party, a party organised by the university, he went so far as to ask my parents for permission and that was my very first party and it was also at that party that I drank for the first time in my life (it was he who introduced me to the Mojito). We got home at 5am and he walked me home. The routine began again: every morning he'd pick me up at home and we'd go to university together. He would also wait for my lessons to finish so that we could go home together. I also often came to his house to spend time with him and his brothers and sisters. He'd cook for me, we'd go cycling together, we almost always did everything together. He would tell me his life story and I would tell him mine. He trusted me blindly, just as I trusted him.
One day, he invited me to a party organised by one of his mother's friends. As his mother couldn't come, he invited me. As his mother couldn't come, it was just him, me and his brother. We got home at 5 in the morning, his brother was drunk, he'd fallen asleep while he and I were awake, he was driving. On the way home, He stopped at a place where we'd been watching the sunset and kissed me for the first time. It was then that I realised I was in love with him and that I sincerely believed it was mutual. After that, there was no more ambiguity, we always stayed the same, we never talked about it, he always confided in me everything and I did the same even though I didn't have much to say, I just told him about my little body complex (I'm a bit chubby) and I told him that I didn't like my body and that I wanted to lose weight. Anyway, we still spent time together, ate a lot, told jokes and never kissed again. This went on for almost 5 months.

Then, one day, he said to me: "Do you know what kind of girl I am?" I said no, then he said, "I like girls with long black hair, very black like yours but just very straight (knowing that I have wavy hair), I also like girls who are a bit thin, I've never been attracted to girls who are round or fat (knowing that I'm round, as I told you). I was shocked but, at the same time, I had no right to be angry with him because everyone has their own preferences. He showed me photos of girls in my class he found attractive, photos of his ex-girlfriends, photos of girls he'd already slept with. In fact, he asked me if I could fix him up with one of the girls in my class (at which point I started to feel really weird, I knew I was in love with him but I realised it wasn't mutual at all), but I couldn't tell him either because that would have ruined our friendship.
A few weeks later, he invited me to a party (my 3rd party with him), asked me to go home and that he'd bring me back the next day, I agreed and we went back to his place after the party. He asked me to put on his pyjamas, we stayed up for a few hours, we were in the same bed and we talked about everything and nothing for hours, then he kissed me and kissed me again. He asked me if I'd ever had sex, I told him NO and he said "I really want you but as you're a virgin, I can't do anything with you" (I was too naive at the time, I didn't know what that meant), so we just kissed and had a shower together before going to bed. The next morning there was some sort of ambiguity, he became distant and I didn't know what to do. He stopped texting me and I didn't text him for a week, which was the first time we hadn't spoken for that long. Then, a week later, he called me and acted like nothing had happened, bought me an ice cream and we chatted about everything like we always do, he didn't mention what had happened the other night. He just said to me: "I hope our friendship lasts, I love the relationship we have, this friendship, our friendship". So I didn't dare talk to him about how I felt or what had happened that night. And now everything's back to the way it was before, there's no ambiguity.
2 weeks later, it was the study trip to university, we had a chat and decided whether we would both go or both stay. So we decided to go together, we were on the same bus but I was surprised that he didn't want us to sit together, there were also some of his friends with us so maybe that's why he sat behind me. Sometimes he'd hold my hand and we'd give each other weird looks. Anyway, after 16 hours on the road, we finally almost arrived, he came up to me and asked me if I knew the girl he was sitting in front of me, I said YES, she was a girl from my class, he then said "I think I like her, she's pretty, she's got a very pretty face, please make sure we fit in, he said", my heart broke into a million pieces. When we arrived, I was in the same room as the girl (her name is Miranda). Ed, knowing that Miranda and I were in the same room, kept calling me to ask if I'd told the girl about him. So I arranged for them to have a chat and get to know each other. He told everyone that I was his best friend (he was really scared that other people would think we were a couple, especially the girl) and he even started doing "Checks" or "fist bumps" to greet me in front of other people, especially the girl.
With the girl, we had become very good friends, her and her two friends, me and my two friends. (There were 6 of us in the room).
After 3 days, they became a couple, we were still on a study trip, he started to be distant, they spent time together every day and I felt abandoned, I was sad, very sad, I couldn't eat any more (I even lost 4 kg) and everyone noticed that I didn't talk much any more (even he had noticed) then he came to see me and asked if we could have a chat. We went for a chat, he asked me if I was all right, I said "no, I think I'm ill" and he said "are you sure there's nothing else wrong? "I looked him in the eye and told him that no, I wasn't in love with him. I saw that he was really relieved, and immediately afterwards he said to me: "ouuuuff, fortunately, I was afraid that you were in love with me, but now it's clear, I'm really happy, but you swear to me that you're not? unh!?..." I replied: "No, I'm not". I didn't know who to confide in, but I was hurting, really hurting. At the beach, a friend caught me crying my eyes out, so I confided in her and told her how I felt about my best friend and what had happened between him and me (something I should never have told him, I know, but I didn't know what else to do, I was in so much pain).

On the bus, on the way home, Ed and Miranda were sitting together and I was in front of them, Ed hardly ever talks to me except when Miranda comes to talk to me, hug me and thank me because, according to her, it's thanks to me that she and Ed are together.

Anyway, a week after school started, Miranda came to see me and said that she knew everything, that she knew what had happened between Ed and me and that she was very disappointed in me because I hadn't told her, so she decided not to speak to me any more and Ed did the same thing, he cut me off because I hadn't been able to keep what had happened between us a secret but also because it nearly ruined his relationship with Miranda.
After that, I was worse than bad, I couldn't sleep alone at night, I had to call my parents, I had fits, I felt worse than bad, I felt guilty for telling my friend what had happened between me and Ed.

So he knew I was in love with him. To explain what we'd done, he said that he'd been a bit drunk every time we'd kissed and that as far as he was concerned, we'd just been having fun and nothing more. In short, we cut off all contact. We'd bump into each other all the time at uni, but it was like we didn't even know each other.

It's now 2019, 1 year since our last conversation. I got over it, I was much better, but I couldn't go out with anyone because of the trauma.

As soon as he saw me, he ran to me, hugged me and cried. He told me he was sorry for what had happened between us, that he felt bad because he and Miranda had broken up a week ago, he cried and clung to me saying he was still sorry and that he missed me. I could smell the strong odour of alcohol in his mouth, so I thought maybe they were crocodile tears and he didn't know what he was saying because, once again, he was a bit drunk. He asked me to forgive him and I told him that I had forgiven him a long time ago and that he didn't have to worry about that, and then I left.
That evening he called me and told me everything that had happened with Miranda. He even told me that he'd always wanted to keep in touch with me, but that it was Miranda who didn't want to.
In short, he felt bad because he was really very much in love with her.
Our relationship had become purely friendly. We talked it over and agreed that we would remain friends forever and that nothing and no-one would ever spoil our friendship again.

He remained single for a few months, but gradually got over it. Later, he introduced me to a girl he really liked and thought was very beautiful. They became a couple and we became friends. He's been with this girl (her name is Andréa) for 6 months now. While Andréa was downstairs drinking whisky, he asked me if I could come upstairs with him because he wanted to show me something very important, so I went upstairs with him and once upstairs, he asked me if I was still a virgin and I said to him: "I don't understand your question, why do you want to know" and he replied: "Just answer please, are you still a virgin? "I told him the truth, YES, I still am, why? He said "I really want to kiss you" and he kissed me straight away, a kiss I didn't return because I ran home. It was embarrassing.
We decided to talk about it the next day, he apologised and said he wouldn't do it again, that from now on he'd control himself. 9 months went by, he and Andrea split up and it didn't affect him too much, he was still thinking about Miranda and I even think he was still in love with her.

He was single for 3 months. In those three months we became very close again, closer than we'd ever been before. I fought for our friendship because my parents didn't want me to be friends with him any more, I even argued with my father to convince him that Ed had changed, that I'd changed too and that this time we'd set things straight.
It's 2021 and he's introduced me to a new daughter, Maeva, whom he loves very much. They became a couple. He introduced me as his best friend, his sister even, and the three of us quickly became very close (he, Maeva and me), we spend a lot of time together, we go out, we have sleepovers together.
I help him with his homework, even with his exams. In short, we spend time alone together from time to time, just like in the good old days, we watch films together, we go to the doctor together, we go to university together, there's no more ambiguity. He and Maeva have been a couple for two years. During those two years, I knew that Ed was still cheating on his girlfriend. He's never admitted it to me, but I know. Besides, he's my best friend and telling his girlfriend was like stabbing him in the back, and after the ordeal we'd been through with Miranda, I didn't want to spoil anything. What's more, during those two years he never stopped teasing me, telling me he wanted to kiss me every time he got drunk, even in front of his girlfriend. Sometimes he said he wanted to do it with me, but he couldn't because I was still a virgin. He even pushed me to do it with someone else so he could finally do it, and when I remind him of all the things he says to me when he's drunk, he tells me he's just saying them because he's drunk, but he doesn't mean them.
The difference between Maeva and the other girls he's been with is that Maeva is already known to his whole family and that's it, he thinks he's going to spend the rest of his life with her and that he's serious about her. I'm very happy for him, plus Maeva's a nice girl, she's very kind and I also know that she's very much in love with him.
It's 2023 and we're still as close as ever. He tells me all the time that if one day he was asked to choose between me and someone else, it would always be me, that if one day his girlfriend opposed our relationship, our friendship, then he would separate from her. I was touched by what he told me, so he'd do anything for our friendship. Anyway, a month ago Ed and Maeva had a fight about something that had nothing to do with our friendship. He's made up his mind, he's split up with Maeva and he's already told his whole family that they're splitting up. Ed was very upset and asked me if I could spend some time with him because he wasn't feeling well at all and needed his best friend. So I agreed to spend the evening with him. He said to me: "Can you please go out clubbing with me because I need to let off steam, I'm single now" I agreed and we went out, it had been years since I'd had a drink (mojito) and I had 2 glasses during the evening and I felt my head spinning and spinning, He admitted to me during that night at the club that at the time he also had a thing for me, that I wasn't the only one in love with him but that he was too (he'd already been drinking too and wasn't in his right mind, I think, but he was still driving very well).
We got back to his place at about 3 in the morning, in the car, while he was driving, we held hands the whole time and I slept on his right shoulder. When we got to his place, we slept in the same bed, he kissed me and asked me if we could make love, I told him no, that I'd like my first time to be with someone I love with all my heart and who also loves me in return, he then suggested doing it from behind, I then told him no, that was out of the question. So he said, "OK, we'll do it from the buttocks". As his penis penetrated me, I asked him to stop as it was hurting too much, but he told me that it was almost done, that he had almost finished. The next morning, I was shocked to see that there was a lot of blood on the bed, and it was he who showed me the bloodstains. I was traumatised, and what's more it was my ovulation period, so if I'd had vaginal sex I'd certainly be pregnant. But I was convinced that there had been no penetration.
I went home before we could even talk about it, because my parents were already waiting for me. He kept calling to ask me if I was all right, because he knew very well how important the first time and the concept of virginity were to me. The next day I told him I was going to see a doctor to find out if I was still a virgin or not and that I was really scared of getting pregnant, but he didn't offer to go with me. I didn't have any money with me, even though I was supposed to pay for the consultation. I went to the doctor on my own, she examined me and told me that she thought I was indeed no longer a virgin and that I had small lesions on my skin caused by rough rubbing and that the blood could be due to these lesions.
I was devastated, I didn't dare tell him that it was he who had led me astray, for fear that one day he'd sell her or walk out on her too. When I arrived at his house, I didn't say anything to him, but he told me that he was going to sort things out with Maeva and that he was even thinking of marrying her. After that conversation, we didn't see each other any more, he became a bit distant, stopped calling me and sending me messages. Maeva, for her part, sent me a message saying that things had got better with Ed and that they were getting back together. I didn't hear from him for 4 weeks, until today, when he asked me out on a date. I accepted and when I arrived there was him, Maeva and another friend. He told me how much he missed me and that we'd make sure we kept our promises, that whatever happened we'd always be friends for life.
I think I'm in love with him again, or always have been, but I don't dare admit it. I've tried to cut things off but I can't, I'm afraid he'll think I've betrayed him. At the same time, I don't know how he really feels about me, what does he want from me? This friendship hurts me. I'm still afraid of losing him too, even though that shouldn't be the case any more.
Thank you in advance for your advice.

Thank you for reading this to the end, and please forgive any errors.

Reply 1

Surnia

His behaviour is toxic in the extrrme, but why do you still want to be friends with a guy who raped you?

Cut him off completely, report him to the police if you feel able, and seek professional help to get you through this.

Reply 2

Saint Ham

Sorry for the late reply, but I feel I have to say at least something in response to this post.

From the title, you seem concerned about whether this is love or an unhealthy friendship. It is definitely not love, nor should it even be a friendship.

He does not like you.

He has made comments directly to you showing that he does not like girls with your traits, showing a blatant disregard of your feelings, and his general disinterest. He has used you to get with women he likes and has openly pursued them, which would make zero sense if he was interested in you. His volatile relationships with other women, blatant cheating, and fixation on virginity demonstrate that he objectifies and has no care for women, including those he is in relationships with.

Finally, his complete, utter, and criminal violation of your consent is both horrific and unacceptable.

You deserve so much better than this absolute waste of a human being.

I hope you are able to cut contact with him, as he does not deserve your respect, sympathy, and definitely not love. This “friendship” is not worth the pain you have been through, and you do not need him.

Thanks for reading this if you do, and best wishes.

Reply 3

dodongstone

I'm sorry to hear about the ups and downs with Ed. It's okay to have feelings, but remember to prioritize your well-being. Consider talking to him honestly or seeking support to navigate this situation. Surround yourself with positive people who value and respect you.

Reply 4

hippieglitter

You need to get this guy out of your life, for 1, IF you love him then being with him all the time seeing him with other girls is going to hurt and you don't need that and 2, FFS he raped you. this is not a healthy relationship in any way, shape or form and you will not be able to find true love and trust anyone else while you are still seeing him. he stole your virginity and 5 years of you life, don't waste your love on this man. Cut off all contact, don't answer his calls or texts, block him if that's what takes. It will take time but if you allow it you will heal.