Fresh rel, trouble coming to terms with her past. She’s not making it easy either
Hi, so I have been in a relationship with this girl for about a month, this is my second relationship. I’m 26, she’s 25. We met on Tinder. We both have mental health issues, she’s dealing with depression, and I have been told I have anxio-depressive disorder, this, in combination with a lack of relationship experience, might explain my lack of confidence, and trust.
Basically, we have a lot in common, we are studying the same thing, want to move to the same place. She is well-behaved, sweet and thoughful. My family likes her. I’ve met her family as well (a bit too soon all of this). We got into this relationship a week after we’ve met irl, after a few dates. Kissed on the third. Banged shortly after. I can’t remember if she’s asked me “what are we now” before or after we’ve had sex. Doesn’t matter I guess, but the thing was, I was saying how I wanted to move countries now (after finishing uni), and she said she’d have to wait another two years, to get her second degree. She could sense the relationship could be short-lived because of this, so she ****ed me I feel. The next day I said I will postpone leaving the country. Not sure if any of this is relevant to my issue.
Here is the at hand though. She has a much bigger history than me, being a female and having easier access to sex. Her last two relationships were with dudes that were in their late thirties. This was the first thing I found out, bothered me at first because it’s weird as ****(she was 24 back then and 22 I guess), but I said whatever, she seems a lot more mature than me, and they were immature for their age, so it worked out, in her words(until it didn’t lol). Second shock was when she asked me if I’d be fine with her going over to her ex’s place, and staying overnight to watch a movie. This question immediately removed half the attraction I felt for her. This was early on when we started dating, and I confronted her about this like yesterday, and she said since we were still fresh, she hasn’t really thought through what she was saying. She reconnected with this guy recently apparently(before we even met), after 5 years, and explained it was purely platonic. I don’t believe in platonic relationships after someone’s ****ed your brains out before, so I told her to break off the contact, which she did. Now there’s a bit with friends, all of her friends are male(except one odd friendship, if you can call it that, with a female she sees once a year). Her best friend is a 100kg fat guy whom shes known for 5 years, and she calls him her “advisor”, whenever some issue pops up, she tells him about it. Even when she was first meeting me, she was asking him for advice. I told her she can confine in me, and tell me or talk to me about any issue she has, and not talk to one of her delegates. This guy asked her to come over to his place for a few days(to a different city) and stay over, to which I was visibly upset. I tried reasoning with her that every male “friend” she has around is only waiting to get into her pants, which she seemed to understand, and said she will think about not going, because she knew it was giving me grief. This made me happy, since she showed understanding. Then, because we had this convo, a few days later, she says “you know how we talked about guys trying to get into pants? Well I have this friend who I used to be fwb with, but now we are platonic friends. Again, this just proved my point about her “friends” just trying to **** her. I understand she’s an adult, and chose to do this before we met, bit this bothers me. I have to be a loving, carrying boyfriend to get sex, yet he just had to be there to **** her. Just to explain my pov, I’m in the relationship for that connection, and I hate the concept of fwb. I view sex and love as connected, this is my viewpoint, and I tried explaining that to her. We seem to have differing views on that, and I realize I will have to come to terms with that. I’m mentioning this because she said she still talks to that guy whenever she needs help with uni, or if he needs help, I remember vividly she said this was over text only, after I expressed my concern with her still keeping contacts with people she slept with. I felt uneasy, but since she said she will break it off as soon as she’s done with uni, I decided to let it slide. She has to go to uni by car every now and then, and since it’s in a different city, she splits gas with her uni colleagues(who are all male again). Latest shock came a few days ago, after I found out that the car they go with is her ex fwb’s, and they were riding together every time she goes to uni. I was visibly ****ed off by this, since she decided not to mention this bit, possibly not to put me off. I confronted her about this, saying she chose money and comfort over my feelings, for not going by bus, even though I expressed how I felt about her still keeping contacts with her exs/fwbs. She went by bus today, but was unhappy with it. I feel like I’ve lost most of my attraction for her, and I’m clearly showing it, and it’s ruining our relationship. We spoke about this yesterday when she stayed to sleep over, and I was unable to pretend to be happy, because I’m really not. We spoke about differing viewpoints on exs and fwbs, and she said that even though she knows I feel bad, she can’t change her viewpoint immediately. I feel she understands this hurts me, but doesn’t understand why. I’m not sure myself why I’m so bothered with this, I don’t want to come off as morally superior, it’s not a religion thing as I’m not religious myself, but I just can’t accept someone keeping their ex sexual contacts when trying to work out a commited relationship. I said when I’m dating someine I offer full commitment, and except the same. I always cut off my ex’s because I can’t remain good friend with someone I had feelings for before. This is where we differ, and it’s bothering me.
I would love some advice on how to combat these feelings, since she really is a great person, and despite not being the hottest girl I could be with, I developed feelings, and the more I connect to her, the more these things bother me, because once I commit, I’m thinking long-term. And I’m afraid to fully commit to this girl, because for some reason I have a gut feeling this wont work out because of her viewpoints, no matter how irrational my thoughts may sound, and I realize I might be self-sabotaging here, since I might ruin a chance for something great.
Basically, we have a lot in common, we are studying the same thing, want to move to the same place. She is well-behaved, sweet and thoughful. My family likes her. I’ve met her family as well (a bit too soon all of this). We got into this relationship a week after we’ve met irl, after a few dates. Kissed on the third. Banged shortly after. I can’t remember if she’s asked me “what are we now” before or after we’ve had sex. Doesn’t matter I guess, but the thing was, I was saying how I wanted to move countries now (after finishing uni), and she said she’d have to wait another two years, to get her second degree. She could sense the relationship could be short-lived because of this, so she ****ed me I feel. The next day I said I will postpone leaving the country. Not sure if any of this is relevant to my issue.
Here is the at hand though. She has a much bigger history than me, being a female and having easier access to sex. Her last two relationships were with dudes that were in their late thirties. This was the first thing I found out, bothered me at first because it’s weird as ****(she was 24 back then and 22 I guess), but I said whatever, she seems a lot more mature than me, and they were immature for their age, so it worked out, in her words(until it didn’t lol). Second shock was when she asked me if I’d be fine with her going over to her ex’s place, and staying overnight to watch a movie. This question immediately removed half the attraction I felt for her. This was early on when we started dating, and I confronted her about this like yesterday, and she said since we were still fresh, she hasn’t really thought through what she was saying. She reconnected with this guy recently apparently(before we even met), after 5 years, and explained it was purely platonic. I don’t believe in platonic relationships after someone’s ****ed your brains out before, so I told her to break off the contact, which she did. Now there’s a bit with friends, all of her friends are male(except one odd friendship, if you can call it that, with a female she sees once a year). Her best friend is a 100kg fat guy whom shes known for 5 years, and she calls him her “advisor”, whenever some issue pops up, she tells him about it. Even when she was first meeting me, she was asking him for advice. I told her she can confine in me, and tell me or talk to me about any issue she has, and not talk to one of her delegates. This guy asked her to come over to his place for a few days(to a different city) and stay over, to which I was visibly upset. I tried reasoning with her that every male “friend” she has around is only waiting to get into her pants, which she seemed to understand, and said she will think about not going, because she knew it was giving me grief. This made me happy, since she showed understanding. Then, because we had this convo, a few days later, she says “you know how we talked about guys trying to get into pants? Well I have this friend who I used to be fwb with, but now we are platonic friends. Again, this just proved my point about her “friends” just trying to **** her. I understand she’s an adult, and chose to do this before we met, bit this bothers me. I have to be a loving, carrying boyfriend to get sex, yet he just had to be there to **** her. Just to explain my pov, I’m in the relationship for that connection, and I hate the concept of fwb. I view sex and love as connected, this is my viewpoint, and I tried explaining that to her. We seem to have differing views on that, and I realize I will have to come to terms with that. I’m mentioning this because she said she still talks to that guy whenever she needs help with uni, or if he needs help, I remember vividly she said this was over text only, after I expressed my concern with her still keeping contacts with people she slept with. I felt uneasy, but since she said she will break it off as soon as she’s done with uni, I decided to let it slide. She has to go to uni by car every now and then, and since it’s in a different city, she splits gas with her uni colleagues(who are all male again). Latest shock came a few days ago, after I found out that the car they go with is her ex fwb’s, and they were riding together every time she goes to uni. I was visibly ****ed off by this, since she decided not to mention this bit, possibly not to put me off. I confronted her about this, saying she chose money and comfort over my feelings, for not going by bus, even though I expressed how I felt about her still keeping contacts with her exs/fwbs. She went by bus today, but was unhappy with it. I feel like I’ve lost most of my attraction for her, and I’m clearly showing it, and it’s ruining our relationship. We spoke about this yesterday when she stayed to sleep over, and I was unable to pretend to be happy, because I’m really not. We spoke about differing viewpoints on exs and fwbs, and she said that even though she knows I feel bad, she can’t change her viewpoint immediately. I feel she understands this hurts me, but doesn’t understand why. I’m not sure myself why I’m so bothered with this, I don’t want to come off as morally superior, it’s not a religion thing as I’m not religious myself, but I just can’t accept someone keeping their ex sexual contacts when trying to work out a commited relationship. I said when I’m dating someine I offer full commitment, and except the same. I always cut off my ex’s because I can’t remain good friend with someone I had feelings for before. This is where we differ, and it’s bothering me.
I would love some advice on how to combat these feelings, since she really is a great person, and despite not being the hottest girl I could be with, I developed feelings, and the more I connect to her, the more these things bother me, because once I commit, I’m thinking long-term. And I’m afraid to fully commit to this girl, because for some reason I have a gut feeling this wont work out because of her viewpoints, no matter how irrational my thoughts may sound, and I realize I might be self-sabotaging here, since I might ruin a chance for something great.
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Original post by Zarek
I would either end it because it’s giving you too much angst or, ease up, live for the moment and see what happens
Thanks for the input, yesterday she went to uni by bus, and this made me happy, because despite she doesn’t understand why I asked her to do so (like damn, don’t hang around people you’ve slept with out of respect for me, I’d never do the same to you), she still did it to please me. This is why I’m so torn up about this whole thing, I feel as if she’s trying to work on our differences, just as I’ve accepted that she needed that guy in life for uni help, at least for the time being, but at the same time I don’t want to have to explain myself in the future, and risk coming off as a control freak, just because I have a different view on keeping in contact with past sexual partners. This is a dealbreaker to me, not because I don’t trust her that she wont cheat, but because I feel disrespected. Like I mentioned before for anyone else who might chime in with their 2 cents, I also wouldn’t do the same to her, or anyone else, out of respect for her. People will call me old-school or insecure, but I don’t think my viewpoint is irrational regarding this. I think most males would disapprove of their current SO hanging around dudes she’s ****ed with, worse even, casually. It is giving me angst, but I’m willing to keep trying to work it out because she is showing effort. Otherwise it’d be a no-brainer.
Original post by TormentedSoul
Thanks for the input, yesterday she went to uni by bus, and this made me happy, because despite she doesn’t understand why I asked her to do so (like damn, don’t hang around people you’ve slept with out of respect for me, I’d never do the same to you), she still did it to please me. This is why I’m so torn up about this whole thing, I feel as if she’s trying to work on our differences, just as I’ve accepted that she needed that guy in life for uni help, at least for the time being, but at the same time I don’t want to have to explain myself in the future, and risk coming off as a control freak, just because I have a different view on keeping in contact with past sexual partners. This is a dealbreaker to me, not because I don’t trust her that she wont cheat, but because I feel disrespected. Like I mentioned before for anyone else who might chime in with their 2 cents, I also wouldn’t do the same to her, or anyone else, out of respect for her. People will call me old-school or insecure, but I don’t think my viewpoint is irrational regarding this. I think most males would disapprove of their current SO hanging around dudes she’s ****ed with, worse even, casually. It is giving me angst, but I’m willing to keep trying to work it out because she is showing effort. Otherwise it’d be a no-brainer.
Doubt you’re going to fundamentally change her outlook. With this intensity of feeling I surprised things haven’t come off the rails yet, there must be something you like about each other
Original post by Desideri
If you can't deal with a girlfriend who has male friends, don't get into a relationship with a girl who mainly has male friends. You can't expect her to cut off her whole support system for you.
Did you even read my full post though? I realize it’s long, but I’m fairly sure I mentioned that I have no issue with her having male friends, or them being the majority of her friend circle. I have a problem with her keeping past sexual contacts, yeah I ****ed this dude before but let’s go hang out with him, he’s pretty cool and we’re just friends now. Do you not see a problem with that? Or can you at least understand why some people might? Or asking if I’m fine with her sleeping over at a friend’s place for a few days. A guy who she is very open with. Or if I’d be fine with her staying over at her ex’s overnight. She appears friendly and most likely sees them just as her “friends”(in quotes because if a dude is given a chance, they will take it, this has nothing to do with her, it’s got to do with dudes just hanging around her waiting for an opportunity to use her, it’s male psychology, and how most men think) and might not even see an issue here whereas other people do, and she doesn’t understand why it could be a problem. Ask most dudes, It’s not about the lack of trust, but mainly lack of respect for your SO. Like I said, I wouldn’t do anything similar to her, it’s not like I’m being a hypocrite. I’m merely asking if someone understands my point of view here. And like I said, all of these things she has told me after we started dating. I had a hunch about there perhaps being something more between her and some friends, simply because they are all males, but she just proved my point anyway. Tldr, male friends aren’t the issue here, it’s that I feel she enjoys male attention from other dudes a bit too much while also looking to date seriously, so much so she’d keep in touch with her past sexual contacts, or ask if I’d be fine with her staying over a night at her ex’s to watch a movie. The problem here is the male ex, who wouldn’t think twice if given a chance to **** her again. Those aren’t your friends, just people who’d use you. Like girl, would you be fine with your boyfriend staying over at his ex’s over night? That is some red flag ****, and if you don’t see it this way then again that’s differing viewpoints.
(edited 9 months ago)
V unlikely to work and kind of sounds like you got together for the sake of it and started making life plans without really thinking it through, to say nothing of the potential for both of your depressions to escalate the other.
Your extreme attitude to people previous partners and a refusal to accept they can see past or value someone beyond the sex is going to be a big obstacle for you. I can understand why it's making you feel off, but that's basically your insecurity and won't magically go away even if you get your own way by tearing up someone you've barely knowns personal relationships.
You say 'I always cut off my ex’s because I can’t remain good friend with someone I had feelings for before' But you've only had 1 ex so how much weight does this carry?. For someone you met last month on Tinder you're throwing around a lot of talk of demanding respect and feeling disrespected and just overall being a bit too intense. Lots of people simply don't have this problem with other peoples histories and won't take kindly to you trying to enforce your social issues on them
Just my exp, but you don't stop your partner cheating by trying to deny opportunities, the most effective method is almost always meeting their needs. When you start to try and limit your partner seeing or interacting with other people you're really just flat out saying you have no trust in them. Like I'm still pretty good friends with a girl I had a casual thing with years ago and she's married now, but I think we would both be pretty insulted if either of our partners implied we weren't capable of a non sexual friendship.
Your extreme attitude to people previous partners and a refusal to accept they can see past or value someone beyond the sex is going to be a big obstacle for you. I can understand why it's making you feel off, but that's basically your insecurity and won't magically go away even if you get your own way by tearing up someone you've barely knowns personal relationships.
You say 'I always cut off my ex’s because I can’t remain good friend with someone I had feelings for before' But you've only had 1 ex so how much weight does this carry?. For someone you met last month on Tinder you're throwing around a lot of talk of demanding respect and feeling disrespected and just overall being a bit too intense. Lots of people simply don't have this problem with other peoples histories and won't take kindly to you trying to enforce your social issues on them
Just my exp, but you don't stop your partner cheating by trying to deny opportunities, the most effective method is almost always meeting their needs. When you start to try and limit your partner seeing or interacting with other people you're really just flat out saying you have no trust in them. Like I'm still pretty good friends with a girl I had a casual thing with years ago and she's married now, but I think we would both be pretty insulted if either of our partners implied we weren't capable of a non sexual friendship.
Original post by StriderHort
V unlikely to work and kind of sounds like you got together for the sake of it and started making life plans without really thinking it through, to say nothing of the potential for both of your depressions to escalate the other.
Your extreme attitude to people previous partners and a refusal to accept they can see past or value someone beyond the sex is going to be a big obstacle for you. I can understand why it's making you feel off, but that's basically your insecurity and won't magically go away even if you get your own way by tearing up someone you've barely knowns personal relationships.
You say 'I always cut off my ex’s because I can’t remain good friend with someone I had feelings for before' But you've only had 1 ex so how much weight does this carry?. For someone you met last month on Tinder you're throwing around a lot of talk of demanding respect and feeling disrespected and just overall being a bit too intense. Lots of people simply don't have this problem with other peoples histories and won't take kindly to you trying to enforce your social issues on them
Just my exp, but you don't stop your partner cheating by trying to deny opportunities, the most effective method is almost always meeting their needs. When you start to try and limit your partner seeing or interacting with other people you're really just flat out saying you have no trust in them. Like I'm still pretty good friends with a girl I had a casual thing with years ago and she's married now, but I think we would both be pretty insulted if either of our partners implied we weren't capable of a non sexual friendship.
Your extreme attitude to people previous partners and a refusal to accept they can see past or value someone beyond the sex is going to be a big obstacle for you. I can understand why it's making you feel off, but that's basically your insecurity and won't magically go away even if you get your own way by tearing up someone you've barely knowns personal relationships.
You say 'I always cut off my ex’s because I can’t remain good friend with someone I had feelings for before' But you've only had 1 ex so how much weight does this carry?. For someone you met last month on Tinder you're throwing around a lot of talk of demanding respect and feeling disrespected and just overall being a bit too intense. Lots of people simply don't have this problem with other peoples histories and won't take kindly to you trying to enforce your social issues on them
Just my exp, but you don't stop your partner cheating by trying to deny opportunities, the most effective method is almost always meeting their needs. When you start to try and limit your partner seeing or interacting with other people you're really just flat out saying you have no trust in them. Like I'm still pretty good friends with a girl I had a casual thing with years ago and she's married now, but I think we would both be pretty insulted if either of our partners implied we weren't capable of a non sexual friendship.
Yeah I understand we might’ve started off a bit too intense, I guess I’m the type that falls in love easily, and view every girl as a potential long-term mate, trying to get my way early on to make it work out in the long run. I understand I might be asking too much of her, out of my own insecurities, and probably shouldn’t have gotten together with her in the first place. But at the same time I feel that I’d have the same issue with any other girl, most will have had a greater sexual history, and more experience. I’m fine with that, as I’m the one late to the party, but I don’t see her sexual past as the biggest issue. I never asked how many sexual partners she’s had before me, and I’m sure I don’t want to know to keep my mental sanity in check, I just know a rough number of her past relationships, which isn’t big. She explained that the last guy she was with for year and a half, that they had plans to get a house together or something, and then he suddenly went to Thailand and broke up with her a week later. I am almost certain he went there to bang cheap prostitutes, and she doesn’t even realize that, because when she told me about this trip I said “we all know why men go to Thailand”, and she was confused about my remark, but that’s beside the point. The point is, because of this experience she’s had, she feels used, she explains that she feels as if she was only there until someone better came up, because this guy that appeared to love her just left her so suddenly. This is not helping her commit fully at all, because she feels I might do the same to her, pretend that I love her, and just leave. Problem is, this is a vicious cycle: she wont fully commit and is clinging to any people she has left, because her friend circle rapidly decreased when that guy left, so she is afraid of losing any more people, and at the same time I’m not keen on fully investing into such a relationship, where she isn’t fully invested out of fear of being dropped again. Hence why she is probably hanging on to every dude she has in her life, despite this hurting a potential chance for a life-long partnership. I realize that I’m thinking way too much into this, as we’ve only been dating for a month, but the reason I am is because like I’ve mentioned already, I need to decide quickly if I want to continue this or not, because once I am emotionally attached, and that happens rather quickly, I’d rather break it off now than risk being hurt in the future, if this **** continues, because naturally the longer we remain together, the harder a break up it will be. This is the million dollar question at hand. Keep being pushy to try and see if she can fully commit, or quit now, because she will always have this fear she is carrying from her past relationships. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable, but I’m trying to work on a very few relationship chances that I get, as I’m already 26, and know I’m able to fully commit to a woman, and all I’m asking in return is mutual understanding, respect, and loyalty. I don’t think a lack of relationships on my side bears and less weight and disproves my point of view, if anything it says more about me as a person not willing to get into a relationship with just about any girl I can get my hands on, or get into a relationship just for the sake of it. Hence why I’d rather break it off asap, than stay just for the sake of having someone around. That’d be doing a disservice to both of us. Yeah, depression is a big one, but despite it, I don’t want to cling to just about anyone I can get my hands on, I’ve been alone for two years after my last one ended and I’d rather be alone again than mentally suffer every day just to feel wanted.
(edited 9 months ago)
Bumping again, still feeling uneasy
You sound very on edge and insecure in your relationship. I will say I would feel uneasy with a partner that has ex's around a lot or 'uses' people for lifts, tutoring, etc., what do they get out of it or are they just really nice people? Focusing on you though, do you have reason not to trust your new partner? Did you have a bad break up with your ex? If you have not fully healed from a previous relationship maybe the best thing to do will be to continue your travel plans. You might regret not travelling. Go travel, go see the world. Your GF is studying right now and probably needs to focus on that. But keep in mind Not many relationships will survive long distance, so see where you are when you return. I wish you all the best and hope you find what makes your heart sing. You sound like a decent guy btw.
I was in a relationship before as that girl with loads of guys hanging around me all the time. I always thought they were just friendly and never saw them as romantic options. When I moved in with my BF a lot of them just went silent on me and it really broke my heart, as I lost people I considered good friends and it also opened my eyes to what my BF had always jokingly warned me about (it hurt that he was right)
I was in a relationship before as that girl with loads of guys hanging around me all the time. I always thought they were just friendly and never saw them as romantic options. When I moved in with my BF a lot of them just went silent on me and it really broke my heart, as I lost people I considered good friends and it also opened my eyes to what my BF had always jokingly warned me about (it hurt that he was right)
New issue arises. I don't think she understands how her behavior makes me feel. She is at a summer school right now where she has been going to like 8 years in a row and where she is an assistant, and of course it turns out that one of the people there she used to date with. That's one of the guys in his mid 30's. I knew this was going to happen, as she told me about him. She said she wanted nothing to do with this guy any more, and I understood it as if she will steer clear from him as much as possible. After all, she knows how I feel about the whole ex thing. She has been there for a week now, and send me a message a few days ago saying how she wished I was there because she feels like **** every year except that one year in summer school where she was in a relationship. Of course that referred to that guy, he is one of the mentors there or some ****, and they hooked up so she didn't feel like **** this one year in summer school when they were together. She worded is "when I was romantically entangled". I understand she meant that she'd much rather me be there with her, because when she is with someone there she feels alright. But then again, why the **** would she say this to me? Her ex is there, and there are like 10 people there that have known each other for years, and he is part of that group, so she can't fully avoid him. Despite this, I still agreed she go there (by agreed I don't mean allowed, she can do whatever the **** she wants, but I won't put up with it), because she said he hurt her a lot and she wants absolutely nothing to do with this guy. Then yesterday I get a message saying she's gone to a restaurant with a group of people and they're all laughing and having fun. I don't need to spell out who was in that group of people. When I confronted her about it, mentioning how she said she wouldn't hang around him, she said "you knew the situation I was getting myself into". I said that I did, but I expected her to steer clear whenever possible. She is at summerschool with two older people who are her "adopted parents", that's what she calls them. They were her mentors at first when she was still in highschool, but she became an assistant later and they are very close. Apparently those people I just mentioned, her, and a few other people all went together to get a meal. Later, one of her "adopted parents" left, and the group remained. I said that I assumed that she'd hang out with her "parents", together with other people, and not with this guy. But apparently it's all a really big group. She said "what did want me to do, stay hungry?". Guys I don't know how to deal with this **** anymore. Why does a ***** have to have 5 ex's and still be around them? At this point I'm too emotionally invested and I know I'd be crying in a ditch for a month if we broke up, even though this is giving me so much anxiety. Then I went on google and tried to figure out why I'm bothered by all of this ****, turns out there is something called retrospective jealousy, as if I'm comparing myself to a 30 year old dude? In my mind I just ******* hate my girl being around a guy she's seen naked, who's seen her naked and knows what she is like and what she likes in bed etc. And apparently she's dating me now.
I confronted her about the whole thing yesterday saying how I'm ******* fed up, and I don't want to be going through these emotions any longer. By that I purely meant how I want this anguish to stop. She responded with a message saying "I understand you've had enough", somehow implying that if I wanted to break up with her, she'd be fine with it. I ******* snapped at that point demanding she explain what she meant by that message, because I never said I wanted to break up, I just wanted not to have to have the same convos every ******* two weeks about her ex's. I sent her a long ass text explaining why I feel the way I do. Remembering back at when she said how she's never had a relationship similar to ours, where her partner is constantly worried about her exes and her behavior around them, I tried explaining how they only ever saw her as a fling or a piece of meat, never ever wanting to have anything serious with her down the line, which is quite obvious when you think about how she's broke up with all of them. I tried arguing my point of view, saying how if someone really cared about you and wanted a relationship to grow and wanted a future together, they'd actually care about her being around other men who she used to be with. She read the message and said she understands my POV, and sent bunch of text messages saying how she loves me inbetween, but I wasn't buying it. We agreed to speak on the phone in hour.
We spoke on the phone for 30 mins, and she said how she broke down in the restaurant in public, making me feel like ****. I still wasn't going to back out, since I sincerely am fed up with her behavior and her lack of understanding. I demanded she explain what she meant when she wrote "I understand you're fed up" because in my eyes this sounded like she was ready for a breakup. She said that she said that because she expected a text saying that I'm breaking up after the texts saying how I'm done putting up. The conundrum here is, since I broke up with her once after she's told me about sleeping with her friend and whatnot (which happened before she met me, I didn't want to be with a girl who can casually sleep with a guy and still remain friends, and date me at the same time. We got over this issue recently though where she deleted him completely - to my knowledge), she now expects me break up with her again any time we get into a fight about her exes, when that wasn't my intention. Without even expecting it, this whole think backfired more than I expected, she understood my text as an introduction to a break up, and then said something I didn't expect to hear, which is how she understands that I'm fed up (meaning "yeah, if you do break up, I'd understand" - that's how she explained it). After confronting her about this text, she tried arguing that was she actually meant was that she WOULD understand if I DID break up with her, to which I said, "If you would understand WHY, then why do you keep doing **** that you KNOW might cause a breakup?". Can't really remember what she answered, I think she asked if I actually loved her, to which I answered positively, and she said I love you to. She said "Do you actually want to be with me?" once again, I responded positively. Then she said "let's leave it at that for now, I have to go puke, I'm feeling like ****.
Later I tried understanding why I felt this way about the whole situation she's in, when she explained how apparently she has no choice in avoiding him at times, because the entire summer group hangs out together, and that guy is friends with other people she is friends with, yada yada. I feel I might've been a bit too harsh, my thinking is what she should've done is completely avoided him. Not remain fully alone, but kept to her "parents" and other friend there, go together with them. This of course is impossible because those "parents" hang out with people who hang out with her ex, so she couldn't have avoided him. She said she avoided him otherwise every other chance she got. I really do believe her, but I'm still hurt because I hate this ****, and thought it'd be different. When she mentioned she was out having food and a drink with some people that have remained after one of her "parents" left, I couldn't help myself but ask "who those people were", knowing the ******* answer before she'd even say it. I had a gut feeling, and it was right. When I asked her if her ex was in this group of four that remained, first question was "why do you want to know". Because *****, I already know that he is, why are you avoiding answering me? (Of course I never said this, this was my train of thought.). She could sense what was coming if she told me he was, so she tried avoiding telling me. Started going off topic on some other ****. I remained persisted, and got the answer I knew I wasn't gonna like, but expected anyway. Then the whole shitshow I just described started.
Guys, I don't even know what I want at this point. When I sent her a long ass text I mentioned before in which I said why I'm so worried about the ex's, she replied she understood how I felt. I think this was just to calm me down, because when we spoke on the phone later she said "I understand that I might ‘not’ understand how you feel". I replied "Brilliant, then I can expect us to have this same convo in about a year." (when she goes back to summer school). I'm sorry about a long ass heart wrenching post, but I feel she is a great girlfriend when we hang out, thoughtful, funny etc. She appears to really care about me. But at the same time, I get a ******* anxiety attack and sink deeper into depression when we have to fight about her ex's, where I feel I am repeating myself over and over, trying to explain the WHY it's bothering me, and yet instead of going "yeah, I won't be around my ex, even at the cost of not going to the summer school" (because remember, she said how she feels like **** EVERY YEAR, and knew she was gonna feel like **** again), she goes.
The only reason I haven't broken up yet is because I'm emotionally connected now, and I know this **** is going to hurt. I went through a horrible breakup with my first, and I honestly don't want to go through another one with a girl I feel is miles better than the last one, despite all of the **** I've written in this post. **** I hate dating so much, yet I hate being alone. I want company, I want to feel loved. I want to give love. But **** me, this **** is way more difficult that it should be.
I confronted her about the whole thing yesterday saying how I'm ******* fed up, and I don't want to be going through these emotions any longer. By that I purely meant how I want this anguish to stop. She responded with a message saying "I understand you've had enough", somehow implying that if I wanted to break up with her, she'd be fine with it. I ******* snapped at that point demanding she explain what she meant by that message, because I never said I wanted to break up, I just wanted not to have to have the same convos every ******* two weeks about her ex's. I sent her a long ass text explaining why I feel the way I do. Remembering back at when she said how she's never had a relationship similar to ours, where her partner is constantly worried about her exes and her behavior around them, I tried explaining how they only ever saw her as a fling or a piece of meat, never ever wanting to have anything serious with her down the line, which is quite obvious when you think about how she's broke up with all of them. I tried arguing my point of view, saying how if someone really cared about you and wanted a relationship to grow and wanted a future together, they'd actually care about her being around other men who she used to be with. She read the message and said she understands my POV, and sent bunch of text messages saying how she loves me inbetween, but I wasn't buying it. We agreed to speak on the phone in hour.
We spoke on the phone for 30 mins, and she said how she broke down in the restaurant in public, making me feel like ****. I still wasn't going to back out, since I sincerely am fed up with her behavior and her lack of understanding. I demanded she explain what she meant when she wrote "I understand you're fed up" because in my eyes this sounded like she was ready for a breakup. She said that she said that because she expected a text saying that I'm breaking up after the texts saying how I'm done putting up. The conundrum here is, since I broke up with her once after she's told me about sleeping with her friend and whatnot (which happened before she met me, I didn't want to be with a girl who can casually sleep with a guy and still remain friends, and date me at the same time. We got over this issue recently though where she deleted him completely - to my knowledge), she now expects me break up with her again any time we get into a fight about her exes, when that wasn't my intention. Without even expecting it, this whole think backfired more than I expected, she understood my text as an introduction to a break up, and then said something I didn't expect to hear, which is how she understands that I'm fed up (meaning "yeah, if you do break up, I'd understand" - that's how she explained it). After confronting her about this text, she tried arguing that was she actually meant was that she WOULD understand if I DID break up with her, to which I said, "If you would understand WHY, then why do you keep doing **** that you KNOW might cause a breakup?". Can't really remember what she answered, I think she asked if I actually loved her, to which I answered positively, and she said I love you to. She said "Do you actually want to be with me?" once again, I responded positively. Then she said "let's leave it at that for now, I have to go puke, I'm feeling like ****.
Later I tried understanding why I felt this way about the whole situation she's in, when she explained how apparently she has no choice in avoiding him at times, because the entire summer group hangs out together, and that guy is friends with other people she is friends with, yada yada. I feel I might've been a bit too harsh, my thinking is what she should've done is completely avoided him. Not remain fully alone, but kept to her "parents" and other friend there, go together with them. This of course is impossible because those "parents" hang out with people who hang out with her ex, so she couldn't have avoided him. She said she avoided him otherwise every other chance she got. I really do believe her, but I'm still hurt because I hate this ****, and thought it'd be different. When she mentioned she was out having food and a drink with some people that have remained after one of her "parents" left, I couldn't help myself but ask "who those people were", knowing the ******* answer before she'd even say it. I had a gut feeling, and it was right. When I asked her if her ex was in this group of four that remained, first question was "why do you want to know". Because *****, I already know that he is, why are you avoiding answering me? (Of course I never said this, this was my train of thought.). She could sense what was coming if she told me he was, so she tried avoiding telling me. Started going off topic on some other ****. I remained persisted, and got the answer I knew I wasn't gonna like, but expected anyway. Then the whole shitshow I just described started.
Guys, I don't even know what I want at this point. When I sent her a long ass text I mentioned before in which I said why I'm so worried about the ex's, she replied she understood how I felt. I think this was just to calm me down, because when we spoke on the phone later she said "I understand that I might ‘not’ understand how you feel". I replied "Brilliant, then I can expect us to have this same convo in about a year." (when she goes back to summer school). I'm sorry about a long ass heart wrenching post, but I feel she is a great girlfriend when we hang out, thoughtful, funny etc. She appears to really care about me. But at the same time, I get a ******* anxiety attack and sink deeper into depression when we have to fight about her ex's, where I feel I am repeating myself over and over, trying to explain the WHY it's bothering me, and yet instead of going "yeah, I won't be around my ex, even at the cost of not going to the summer school" (because remember, she said how she feels like **** EVERY YEAR, and knew she was gonna feel like **** again), she goes.
The only reason I haven't broken up yet is because I'm emotionally connected now, and I know this **** is going to hurt. I went through a horrible breakup with my first, and I honestly don't want to go through another one with a girl I feel is miles better than the last one, despite all of the **** I've written in this post. **** I hate dating so much, yet I hate being alone. I want company, I want to feel loved. I want to give love. But **** me, this **** is way more difficult that it should be.
(edited 9 months ago)
Bump
Most of the issues in the above novel are down to your own insecurity and lack of trust. So what if a girl is around a guy who she's seen naked and who's seen her naked. It's the 21st century century where very few people in their 20s are still going to be virgins, get used to it. Unless there is direct evidence that cheating or shady stuff is going on then there's no reason for you to worry and be suspicious. I'm sorry but this really is a you issue and it's something you need to seriously sort out because else it's going to poison your current relationship even more than it already is and poison all future relationships you may have, as very few women are going to stand for this crap from their partner. You need to learn and accept that people can remain friends or even just cordial with their exes and that simply seeing them or hanging around them doesn't mean they're going to have sex and cheat on you.
In all honesty I think you should break up for your GF's sake. I'm not surprised she is close to throwing in the towel.
Original post by Admit-One
In all honesty I think you should break up for your GF's sake. I'm not surprised she is close to throwing in the towel.
This is the problem of today’s dating scene. Apparently I’m at fault for having my own set of beliefs, whereas actually very few people who are serious about dating a girl seriously would put up with the **** I’m putting up with. Sorry for believing a girl should not hang around her past sexual partners. Believe me that most straight men who don’t want to cucks in a rel think like this, unless they don’t care about the relationship and don’t want it to be nothing more than a casual fling, and are looking to find the next girl who they fancy more than the current one, because she is there to only fulfill their sexual desires. Do you actually think I haven’t talked to actual people in real life and are dating currently? This forum is just one source of POV’s, mostly from people outside of my country. Americans mostly, even. Talked to actual people I have around me, and guess what? They all share my sentiments. It might also be a cultural thing, so I know I’m not overreacting. This forum is filled with Americans who are very liberal, and no wonder most of you are in weird ass relationships where you view it as okay for your partner to bang other dudes while you are happy she comes back home to you at the end of the day. Before you think we are from some backwards third world country, let me tell you most people are in happy relationships here because we practice monogamy. There are of course individuals who have been heavily influenced by the western media that made them think it’s okay for women to sleep around with 30 guys, talk to multiple guys while in a commited relationship and still expect her man to provide for her, lover her, and be loyal. This **** don’t work in real life pal. I’m not the problem here, the skewded view people have nowadays is. Then they wonder why their girl cheated on them.
Original post by Sorcerer of Old
Most of the issues in the above novel are down to your own insecurity and lack of trust. So what if a girl is around a guy who she's seen naked and who's seen her naked. It's the 21st century century where very few people in their 20s are still going to be virgins, get used to it. Unless there is direct evidence that cheating or shady stuff is going on then there's no reason for you to worry and be suspicious. I'm sorry but this really is a you issue and it's something you need to seriously sort out because else it's going to poison your current relationship even more than it already is and poison all future relationships you may have, as very few women are going to stand for this crap from their partner. You need to learn and accept that people can remain friends or even just cordial with their exes and that simply seeing them or hanging around them doesn't mean they're going to have sex and cheat on you.
so what if she is? Well the problem is I’m an individual that views that as a problem, and there are quite a few people that do as well. Just because. We are influenced by are upbringing, environment we live in, and are past experiences, and part of it down to personality and genetics. I view that as an issue because I do. Just like the water is wet and the sky is blue.
This is where our points differ though. You say Very few women would tolerate this, fine, very few of the women that hang out around their exes would. I propose a different view, would I even be going through this crap with women who cut off their exes and have no need to keep them around? There’s your answer. I realize I found a wrong girl for myself as we might not be compatible, but to imply I’m at fault for worrying about my girl who I’m trying to seriously date hang around other men or exes is wrong. All I get from most of these answers is that we are not compatible, since I have to keep explaining myself to her. Most of the people saying I’m wrong or insecure have the exact same opposing view to mine, which is fine. I can accept that there exist differing views. I also realize that she might not cheat, that’s besides the point, I don’t think anyone here realizes this. It’s not about that I’m afraid she’d cheat on me, it’s that I, as an individual, find an issue with her even being around them. But like I mentioned in my previous reply, I’m far from being the only one who thinks like this. I asked people around me and they share the same view, at least most of them do. It appears this is mostly a forum filled with very many like minded liberal western country individuals, obviously most will disagree and find an issue with my “backwards” views.
(edited 9 months ago)
Original post by TormentedSoul
so what if she is? Well the problem is I’m an individual that views that as a problem, and there are quite a few people that do as well. Just because. We are influenced by are upbringing, environment we live in, and are past experiences, and part of it down to personality and genetics. I view that as an issue because I do. Just like the water is wet and the sky is blue.
This doesn't mean you can't change, you can actually decide to put the effort into your own insecurities to change how you view a situation. I would understand you feeling this way if there was any evidence your gf is being shady and potentially cheating behind your back but from what you've posted that doesn't appear to be the case at all.
I propose a different view, would I even be going through this crap with women who cut off their exes and have no need to keep them around? There’s your answer. I realize I found a wrong girl for myself as we might not be compatible, but to imply I’m at fault for worrying about my girl who I’m trying to seriously date hang around other men or exes is wrong.
I don't think it's wrong at all and I completely maintain you are at fault, especially when, as I already mentioned, there appears to be no evidence of them doing anything. And moreover, it's not like she's just meeting up with him alone all the time, if she were doing that I would have more sympathy for your position, but she's not. There are a whole bunch of people there, him included. It's not unheard of for people to break up and still see their exes often in a group setting because they may have shared the same friendship group and it's unreasonable of you to just expect her to cut off guys left, right and centre for no rational reason.
All I get from most of these answers is that we are not compatible, since I have to keep explaining myself to her. Most of the people saying I’m wrong or insecure have the exact same opposing view to mine, which is fine. I can accept that there exist differing views. I also realize that she might not cheat, that’s besides the point, I don’t think anyone here realizes this. It’s not about that I’m afraid she’d cheat on me, it’s that I, as an individual, find an issue with her even being around them.
So if you don't think she'll cheat then why do you have an issue with her being around them? Be specific.
But like I mentioned in my previous reply, I’m far from being the only one who thinks like this. I asked people around me and they share the same view, at least most of them do. It appears this is mostly a forum filled with very many like minded liberal western country individuals, obviously most will disagree and find an issue with my “backwards” views.
In the West your position is definitely the minority, it stinks of insecurity, trust issues and a little controlling too.
(edited 9 months ago)
Original post by TormentedSoul
This is the problem of today’s dating scene. Apparently I’m at fault for having my own set of beliefs, whereas actually very few people who are serious about dating a girl seriously would put up with the **** I’m putting up with. Sorry for believing a girl should not hang around her past sexual partners. Believe me that most straight men who don’t want to cucks in a rel think like this, unless they don’t care about the relationship and don’t want it to be nothing more than a casual fling, and are looking to find the next girl who they fancy more than the current one, because she is there to only fulfill their sexual desires. Do you actually think I haven’t talked to actual people in real life and are dating currently? This forum is just one source of POV’s, mostly from people outside of my country. Americans mostly, even. Talked to actual people I have around me, and guess what? They all share my sentiments. It might also be a cultural thing, so I know I’m not overreacting. This forum is filled with Americans who are very liberal, and no wonder most of you are in weird ass relationships where you view it as okay for your partner to bang other dudes while you are happy she comes back home to you at the end of the day. Before you think we are from some backwards third world country, let me tell you most people are in happy relationships here because we practice monogamy. There are of course individuals who have been heavily influenced by the western media that made them think it’s okay for women to sleep around with 30 guys, talk to multiple guys while in a commited relationship and still expect her man to provide for her, lover her, and be loyal. This **** don’t work in real life pal. I’m not the problem here, the skewded view people have nowadays is. Then they wonder why their girl cheated on them.
She decides who she hangs around with. Not you.
Original post by Admit-One
She decides who she hangs around with. Not you.
That's right. And I decide if I'm fine with it or not. You can act all might you want. I can choose to remain or not.
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