am i being realistic (life plans)

hi tsr!

so idk if this is a realistic life plan. here it is.

i take my inadequate a level grades and move to a smallish city/large town that if not actually in the countryside has a lot of green pasture nearby. i take a job as a waitress or something of the kind (no qualifications needed, keeps you on your feet and pleasantly distracted most of the day) and rent a flat just big enough for one woman (it's unlikely i'll ever marry or have children, for reasons i don't feel like getting into on tsr). in the evenings i read and socalise.

musts:
- cheap enough housing for life described
- a Catholic church

ideally it also has (though none of these are "musts"):
- the warmish climate characteristic of southern england (though i'm not southern lol)
- few chain shops
- countryside nearby i can ramble in
- allotments i can tend a chicken coop in

is there a large town/small city like that left anywhere in england? or am i literally just dreaming?

It's possible, but I would say you're setting your sights a little low. If on the other hand this makes you happy, what right do I have to question it?

musts:
- cheap enough housing for life described
- a Catholic church
I think the starting point is to look for a Catholic church as this is the limiting factor. See the following for a start: https://directory.cbcew.org.uk/

i take my inadequate a level grades
If they're passes, they're still valid qualifications. If you originally aspired to do something more and didn't quite get the grades, then consider looking to retake them.

i take a job as a waitress or something of the kind (no qualifications needed, keeps you on your feet and pleasantly distracted most of the day)
Considering there are plenty of jobs that require next to no qualifications, or even passes at A Levels, I am not sure why you're limiting yourself to just waitressing, unless that's something you really want to do. Other sectors to consider would be:
The higher paid roles tend to be in business (especially anything sales oriented) and government services

rent a flat just big enough for one womanrent a flat just big enough for one woman
Although I haven't thoroughly researched for the cost of a 1-2 bedroom flat, it's typically around £650 outside of London. If you earn at least £20k per year, then you should be fine with this although you would be pressing financially. £12k per year should be the absolute minimum if you include other expenses on top. I don't know the specific places that you're looking for, but this is achievable.

ideally it also has (though none of these are "musts"):
- the warmish climate characteristic of southern england (though i'm not southern lol)
- few chain shops
- countryside nearby i can ramble in
- allotments i can tend a chicken coop in
I like how you think Britain generally has a warmish climate. The climate along the coast generally has more temperate climates, but even then it does get cold in winter. The other thing you would need to bear in mind is that anywhere along the south and west coast is generally wetter than the rest of the country due to the Gulf Stream.
In terms of few chain shops, should I presume you're looking for something akin to a village or the suburbs of a town?
Countryside nearby? So essentially anywhere in the country?
Allotments tend to be for gardening, I haven't seen one for chicken coops. The typical price of allotments can be £20-30 per year for what seems like the area of a large bedroom. These are not typically difficult to apply for if you look at the local council's website.

So yeah, you have quite a number of options. However, there are too many to narrow down. If you start with the location of the churches, you can then look at neighbouring villages and suburbs.

it's unlikely i'll ever marry or have children, for reasons i don't feel like getting into on tsr
This is far from something I should be meddling in. However, if it's something personal and something you really want, then I would consider looking to mental health, medical advice from doctors, or a life coach (I don't kow the situation, so I am just throwing anything and see what sticks).

thank you for your reply.

If they're passes, they're still valid qualifications
objectively speaking, they're not *bad* - but i missed my firm and my insurance, and there isn't any point in entering into a polytechnic uni course half-heartedly. having to stick a uni i'd resent as an emblem of my failure wouldn't, i think, be in my own or in anybody's interests.

"keeps you on your feet and pleasantly distracted most of the day"
this is very important. i'm not physically strong enough for construction work but i need something that keeps me more or less forcibly active so by the end of the day i'm tired and incapable of thinking too hard about my situation.

retake
sure, i might, but there's the question of supporting myself for at least a year. again, would be tmi to get into here, but i need to get out.

medical advice from doctors
i am, thanks. but it still looks unlikely.

I feel like you're reacting emotionally to your results. What are they, if you don't mind me asking? There was no point of struggling through all of GCSEs and A-levels if you're just going to settle for an entry level job, I'm sure you're more capable. Don't undersell yourself and you could end up living a better life!

objectively speaking, they're not *bad* - but i missed my firm and my insurance, and there isn't any point in entering into a polytechnic uni course half-heartedly. having to stick a uni i'd resent as an emblem of my failure wouldn't, i think, be in my own or in anybody's interests.
I am with @toxicgamage56 on this. I think you're overreacting/melodramatic to your grades. However, I can't decide for you and it's really down to yourself.

this is very important. i'm not physically strong enough for construction work but i need something that keeps me more or less forcibly active so by the end of the day i'm tired and incapable of thinking too hard about my situation.
Again, a bit dramatic. However, you can look into something in healthcare (nursing, paramedic, midwifery), IT maintenance, hairdressing, theatre, dance, sports, warehousing, armed forces, something in nature/ecology/environmental, cleaning, manufacturing, retail, care, tourism, property, and entertainment.

I don't know enough about your goals and specific situation to comment more, since you're not likely going to share such information nor divulge the details to help. If you want to talk about the above, then I would at least recommend speaking to a trustworthy friend who has your interests at heart.

You are not being realistic with these plans to rent an entire property alone within England as a single person earning the bulk of their annual income by performing one or more entry level jobs within the food&drinks industry.

The private rental market for entire residential properties in a good state of repair is very competitive in most regions of London and Southern England.
Rented private accommodation costs are generally quite high for entire properties that are located in reasonably safe neighbourhoods popular with professionals, students or families with young children.
It is very difficult for a single renter to find a willing landlord with a reasonably habitable private property available for rent in a region of England with high employment levels when are working either: zero hours contract work that is classified as low skilled and targeted at part time worker teenage students aged 16-19, minimum wage plus tips types of jobs that are paid weekly, food & drinks industry split shifts roles where the pitifully low monthly earnings are supplemented by welfare benefit income .

Assuming that you are a single and healthy UK citizen female living alone who does not have any pets or smoke- you will struggle to be able to find a private landlord in London & most of Southern England willing to consider you as a viable sole tenant for much rental accommodation beyond a shared houseshare with the utility bills additional to the rent.
Even with a good credit history and some savings to pay a few months rent upfront, renting alone will be very difficult.
Whether a studio, small cottage without a garden or tiny flat with side entrance and no parking space.
Particularly if you have limited savings available to pay rent upfront and no guarantor.

With very high demand for rental accomodation and a limited supply of vacant flats/houses/apartments available to rent, landlords generally prefer to rent their whole properties to professional couples or non-smoking families with at least 3 full time working adults.
Nearly all experienced landlords renting out entire properties now adopt very strict tenant criteria either to weed out the types of tenants they have had serious problems with in the past or as a condition of their insurance policies/property funding agreements.
Usually requiring all potential tenants to pass their affordability checks in terms of annual employment income and have a good credit history.
Most with a minimum annual employment income in excess of £35k (depending upon the city), multiple work & past landlord references and confirmation that they have sufficient monthly income to meet without welfare funds
The situation for for single private renters is often easier in Scotland, Wales and some regions of northern England with high unemployment.

I am a single non-smoking 28 year old female without a guarantor who has lived alone in private rental accomodation for many years.
I work multiple jobs including on weekends & during the evenings and don't date, have children or pets.
The rental accommodation costs are crippling and decimate my savings.
The only reasons why I am able to live alone in rented accomodation is because used to work for estate & lettings agents, have a high credit score and savings from legal settlements to pay rent upfront.

Some landlords do make it crystal clear that they prefer to rent their properties to single healthy professional females who are childfree and don't smoke.
Usually because they believe that single professional females will be reliable tenants.
Tidy, quiet and most likely to take good care of their furniture/garden/childhood home.
Of course, there are always some perverted criminals or exploitative jerks who will only rent to females for unpleasant reasons.
But the focus of most landlords is nearly always on the tenant's ability to pay the rent and deposit.
Along with the landlord's first impressions of the tenant.
Their appearance, most obvious habits, some elements of background and lifestyle preferences.
Mostly as a means of landlords trying to establish tenant compatibility or the tenant's financial and tenant lifestyle stability.

ok, i did think it unlikely. i live in an area with among the lowest house prices in the uk so i'm always shocked at how much things cost in and around london, not that i planned to live in or around london.

thank you for your reply.

If they're passes, they're still valid qualifications
objectively speaking, they're not *bad* - but i missed my firm and my insurance, and there isn't any point in entering into a polytechnic uni course half-heartedly. having to stick a uni i'd resent as an emblem of my failure wouldn't, i think, be in my own or in anybody's interests.

"keeps you on your feet and pleasantly distracted most of the day"
this is very important. i'm not physically strong enough for construction work but i need something that keeps me more or less forcibly active so by the end of the day i'm tired and incapable of thinking too hard about my situation.

retake
sure, i might, but there's the question of supporting myself for at least a year. again, would be tmi to get into here, but i need to get out.

medical advice from doctors
i am, thanks. but it still looks unlikely.