I regret turning off my dads life machine.

I regret turning off my dads life machine. He had covid and was on life machine for a month. I regret telling the doctors to turn it off. It’s been 3 years. I still regret it. It still doesn’t feel normal.

Reply 1

Muttly

I'm really so very sorry for the loss of your Dad, and for all of the pain, the hurt and the huge hole left in your life right now. You don't say how old he was but being in a situation where there is nothing further that could have been done medically and that must have been a truly awful place for you to have been in.

Medically there was nothing more anyone could have done, and it sounds as if they had given your Dad a long time to check and see if there were to be any signs of life or signs of improvement. That is heartbreaking for you. I think you know deep down that your Dad had already died, that the machine was just mechanically extending the time window for you with no viable signs of life. Is the regret caused by the feeling of hopelessness and the feeling that you should have been able to do more? Of course you regret that decision. The whole slightly surreal experience of knowing your Dad had been ill suddenly turns into a cold hard reality that they are dead. Suddenly you are now in a room with someone you have loved for your life and they are really 'gone' no signs of life or movement. That it really is final and your Dad has now died. I can only imagine your pain and your sense of despair at that moment.

Your decision was an act of love and acceptance that there really was an end point to that awful disease that has taken so many loved ones. What more could you have done? Your decision was really courageous and hard and difficult decision that you would not wish on your worst enemy. But you know that you did the right thing. The Covid virus killed him long before not your act to stop the medical interventions. We never ever know what lies around the next corner for any of us or how our life is going to pan out, We hope it won't be us, or someone we know. But it does happen and sometimes it is us in this crazy unpredictable world around us. The world keeps on relentlessly turning just as the sun rises and the day ends. Our journey here is so transient.

Take the love from those people who love you most. Be gentle with your soul and don't be too hard on yourself. You have been through so much. It is like fighting a battle, wounded, hurt and injured you need time to assess how much that hurt is. Talk about your Dad as much as you can, to any one who will listen. It may hurt but acknowledge that the hurt you feel is absolutely ok. It's ok to feel the injustice of life when ever you feel the need to. You don't have to put on a brave face, this is your personal time to reflect on life thus far. Grieving is like surfing in a one hundred foot wave. It crashes down, throws you about and spits you out. Then you have to get up and just keep going. Good days and not so good. Time is really irrelevant in this journey.

Find those good memories, hold them dear. You are his legacy and he would not wish you to bear the brunt of this cruel disease by regretting your actions. You really had no choice. If he was still here he would likely agree with your decisions, so hold onto that thought. You are still with him in spirit, and if you believe in any afterlife he will be looking down on you and willing you to do well in life going forward. Keep going, try not to hold onto the guilt I know you clearly feel. Life and fate had made that choice for you well before you reached that point .

Reply 2

Scotney

Original post by Anonymous

So sorry for your loss I would suggest some grief counselling would be useful in coming to terms with what has happened.You could make a start by phoning Cruse (a bereavement charity) where you can talk to volunteers over the phone or going to your GP and asking them to arrange some counselling.You have to talk about this in order to process the tragedy of what has happened.Well done for reaching out here as a first step.