Tired of never being anyone’s first choice

For as long as I can remember, I have been aware that i’m no one’s first choice and it sucks. I hate that I put so much effort into all of the friendships I have because I love all of my friends so much, but I never feel like the effort is reciprocated.

One friend, who I did once class as my best friend, kind of replaced me as soon as she got her new boyfriend over a year ago. I always feel like i’m on the back burner now, like she’d rather do things with him than with me. We live in the same flat, and I hardly see her now. We used to do everything together and she’d be up for doing so much with me but now it’s just her and her boyfriend and that’s when I realised I’m not her first choice. I understand people get all caught up in the honeymoon phase of new relationships but it just sucks. But also there was another time I was in hospital awaiting a minor operation to remove an infected cyst and she didn’t come to visit me. The hospital is 15 minutes from where we live and she drives and I just kinda felt let down because I know for a fact if she was in hospital, no matter what for, I would be there with her.

There’s another friend of mine who I also live with who is extremely flakey. I’ll make plans with her and she’ll be like ‘can we do it another day i’m just tired’ or some other excuse. Another time we went on a night out with her toxic boyfriend and he started speaking to her like trash and she left me in the middle of town at 4am to go back to our flat with him. Even though he’d treated her horribly. Even though he’d spoken to me horribly. That’s when I realised I’m not her first choice.

It even happens in my relationships. In my last long term relationship, I literally had to *beg* him to celebrate my birthday. He wouldn’t even get me a card. I know…how pathetic that i had to beg him. How pathetic that even In a relationship I wasn’t a priority?

Maybe there’s just something inherently wrong with me…??

I’m just so tired. I genuinely feel like the friends I have wouldn’t care if i wasn’t around. I’m tired of feeling like I put 100% into these friendships and only receive 10% back. I’m tired of feeling like the second, third or even fourth option. I just want the people in my life to care for me as much as I care about them, but it just never seems to be reciprocated. But maybe that’s the way it’s gonna be for the rest of my life…i don’t know.