muslim marriage advice

Asalam wailaikum everyone. I’ve been married for a year now and recently my husband tells me I haven’t been giving him enough intimacy. For some context, I work all day in a lab so when I come home I feel tired as I need to do the housework as well. Before we got married my husband said if I wanted to work I would need to contribute to the household income which I do but in return I also asked him to do some of the housework since he works from home but when I come home everything is half done.
Anyway he says I’m being disobedient by not listening to him and says the angels with curse me to which I replied he doesn’t maintain me since I contribute to the household as well so I’m not obligated to give him intimacy when he demands it. I understand he has a higher sex drive than me but I don’t feel like doing it more than twice a week. Am I being unreasonable? Please give me advice

Salam sister

Really sorry to hear you're experiencing this from your husband. It is completely ok to be tired after work and not want any intimacy. Please don't let him pressure you into intimacy, it's your body. What he is saying to you is demeaning as well as it sounds like he may be trying to get some power over you.

Do you live in the UK or elsewhere?

Hello sister, yes I live in the UK. I don’t want to make him unhappy but sometimes I’m just not in the mood, I’m sure you understand. I’m not sure what to do as I try my best to please him by cooking when I come home and by doing some acts of intimacy. I’m trying to not let him have power over me as going to work gives me a sense of freedom and independence but i’m scared he’ll tell me to quit

Asalam wailaikum everyone. I’ve been married for a year now and recently my husband tells me I haven’t been giving him enough intimacy. For some context, I work all day in a lab so when I come home I feel tired as I need to do the housework as well. Before we got married my husband said if I wanted to work I would need to contribute to the household income which I do but in return I also asked him to do some of the housework since he works from home but when I come home everything is half done.
Anyway he says I’m being disobedient by not listening to him and says the angels with curse me to which I replied he doesn’t maintain me since I contribute to the household as well so I’m not obligated to give him intimacy when he demands it. I understand he has a higher sex drive than me but I don’t feel like doing it more than twice a week. Am I being unreasonable? Please give me advice

I'm not a Muslim, so I'll speak from a non-Muslim perspective and you can consider whichever comments you feel are relevant.

Based on what I can see, your marriage is on track to becoming abusive. You should not have to placate your spouse and never feel like you have to walk on eggshells in your own home because you fear their reaction. You already do more than your fair share and whether or not you are fully intimate, you still make an effort to perform intimate acts on your husband on a regular basis on top of everything else.

I would say you are definitely making the right decision by standing up for yourself and saying you are not obligated to give up your body at his will just because you are married. If he coerces you into being fully intimate without your consent, that is marital rape and is punishable by law. It also sounds concerning that you worry about your husband having the authority to force you to quit your job and become a housewife.

If you have any close friends in the area, I would confide in them about this so that you have a way out of your household if the situation escalates. Additionally, although it may not be your first port of call, you have the right to decide to get a divorce if the situation is showing no signs of improvement. Your husband already seems to be prioritising his wants over your needs and using religion as a threat to force you into submission.

Remember that you are a part of your marriage as much as your husband is, irrespective of your contributions. If he doesn't respect you or care about you beyond the fulfilment of his own desires, then it may be better to discontinue it.

I don't really see how the two things are related. The issue of income / housework and the issue of intimacy seem like two separate things to me?

Regarding housework, I think it's fair that you both contribute to it roughly equally. You're both working and earning money and contributing to the household that way, and you'll both be tired by the end of the day (remember that working from home is still working), so it wouldn't be fair to expect the entire burden of housework to fall upon one person, whether that's you or him. You mention that when you come home, the housework is "half done", which makes it sound like he's doing his fair share of it (i.e. half of it)? Are you expecting him to do all of it? Or do you mean that nothing is done?

Regarding intimacy, it's a very common issue faced by couples - people's sex drives are rarely going to be equally matched all the time. I don't think your thoughts should immediately go to divorce over something like that, as another poster has suggested. It should first go towards discussing it with him trying to resolve the situation amicably rather than in a combative sort of way; remember that you're teammates, not opponents. Even if you feel you are not "obligated" to give him intimacy, you also don't want him to be feeling overly dissatisfied and frustrated in the marriage, because that isn't a happy marriage. Similarly, even if he feels entitled to intimacy, he shouldn't want to pressure you into it so often that it starts feeling a chore for you, because that's not enjoyable either. Each person needs to consider what the other one wants just as much as themselves.


Finally I'll mention that this:
"he doesn’t maintain me since I contribute to the household as well so I’m not obligated to give him intimacy when he demands it"
... seems like a strange thing to say. Again, I don't see what income and contributing to the household has got to do with intimacy. It isn't supposed to be something you give him in return for financially providing for you. Regardless of what the income / housework dynamic is, it's supposed to be something you do because you both want to, and more importantly because you both want to make the other person happy.

Also, I’m not sure if you’re a muslim but in Islam it’s sort of the husband’s responsibility to provide for his wife and it’s like the wife’s responsibility to give him intimacy whenever he asks for it in return, if that makes sense. I never thought it was that deep since we’re both quite open minded and that’s why I was surprised when he said I was being disobedient etc

Hi when I say ‘half done’ I mean he doesn’t really do the stuff things he’s meant to do properly or he’ll leave them for me to do. I guess the issue of housework/intimacy are separate things but coming home from work and having to do stuff at home because my husband felt lazy and on top of that having him ask me for intimacy when he knows I’m tired is frustrating. Obviously I’m not thinking about divorce and I would like to solve this but he doesn’t seem to understand me.

Also, I’m not sure if you’re a muslim but in Islam it’s sort of the husband’s responsibility to provide for his wife and it’s like the wife’s responsibility to give him intimacy whenever he asks for it in return, if that makes sense. I never thought it was that deep since we’re both quite open minded and that’s why I was surprised when he said I was being disobedient etc