How can I cope with my BF (25) joining the British Army?
For context - me (25 and female) and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years and 4 months. We both love the outdoors (hiking up mountains, climbing and scrambling), we're both pretty active (football, gym etc) and of course, experience both the ups and downs like any ordinary relationship. We do not live together (I live at home and he lives with his sister) but are quite fortunate that we live literally 10 minutes from each other. It's probably best to mention that we're were in a situationship for about a year before he asked me to be his girlfriend (me being his first and him being my first bf) as he never saw himself in anything serious - until he met me 
.
His growth over the last three years I have known him has been staggering -as cliché as it sounds, he begun to find himself, and his passion to join the army became one of these. His choice to join the army had started out as another way to look into joining intelligence as other career paths (MI5 etc) just wasn't feasible with his qualifications, but then it grew into something more. For about a year (2022) he was always 'maybe' whenever I asked him if he was interested in joining, until midway in 2023, he was getting more serious.
Now, admittedly, I wasn't fond of the idea. For again context, I'm a really anxious person; I overthink, I self-sabotage and always think the worst, and suffer with OCD (contamination). I'm self aware. I know how frustrating that can be for the other person who has to reassure or deal with my complex emotions etc. Me and my boyfriend also were bought up differently where I feel he keeps his emotions to himself or has the attitude of 'what will be, will be' or accepts things if things do go wrong, whereas, I hate uncertainty, I hate the unknown, and express my feelings 100%. I'm also madly in love with him and cannot think of anyone else I would want a future with.
He'll be going for his assessment centre at the end of Jan, looking to join the RA, and wants to hopefully join 29 or 148 commando regiments. (We're based in the West Midlands so he'll be based either 2 hours or 3 hours away depending on the regiment down South etc). I have no doubt he'll smash it as he did so well in his preliminary, and most likely will then start basic training in March - which I assume is the next intake.
He has been nothing but upfront about the army and I haven't at times been as supportive as I should have been. I can confess that. I know that's wrong of me because he should be allowed to chase his dreams, and I'd never stop him (not that would anyway stop him from pursuing it). I have my ups and downs, some days I feel optimistic that our relationship will thrive but then other days, I'm pessimistic and feel scared for the transition from seeing each other frequently to rarely. I get sad that we won't be able to go hiking together as much or that he'll miss milestones or events when he's away. He has been nothing but reassuring, he isn't worried, he thinks we'll be fine but my just anxiety takes over. His attitude of not being scared makes my anxiety feel like doesn't care (stupid I know) or that he'll be fine either way.
I'm constantly asking 'what if' - thinking what if he he lose interest, will I be able to cope not seeing him, what if he doesn't want to live together etc. I think because we're mid 20s and we don't live together, that's another thing that scares me as social media and society's expectations don't help. I don't want children yet (we're both the same on this) and to be honest, before he even applied for the army, I wasn't even bothered about moving out yet, it hadn't crossed my mind. But now everything has gone from 0-100 with my anxiety, and I'm looking so far ahead.
My boyfriend wouldn't want to live together straight away when he goes which understandably will be determined where he's based and of course, he wants to really throw himself into the army, take on all opportunities. I also need to think about my career as I'm in a good place but I would like to leave my hometown at some point.
He does get fed of up me being 'silly', worrying too much, understandably so, but I also know my feelings are valid. And we've had many honest conversations. I have asked him if he wants a relationship when he goes in and he wants nothing more than to be with me.
He has though admitted he doesn't understand my point of view because he feels things won't change for me back at home, but they will for him - which I'd argue against that view. He knows as well that he'll cope better than me when he's in there, he'll miss me but he'll be able to get on, which again, makes my anxiety spiral - like does he care? Is he bothered? Will he actually miss me? I just feel like I'm thinking more about our future than he is at times. He says all this cute things about growing old together and even half-heartedly joked about me joining the army (but I wouldn't), but actions speak louder than words, so I guess I won't know until he's in there.
Family and friends have told me to go with the flow, see what happens and that relationships do work, but the uncertainty just throws me off. I don't want to give up because I love him and I know he loves me too, but I'm just so scared. Honestly, I thought we'd be backpacking and travelling etc, but of course, that's life, it doesn't always go your way. I want to be that supportive girlfriend. I want to think that we'll get through this and we'll still be able to travel, go hiking and eventually live together.
Also, I'm not just sitting back, I am trying to think about myself too. I have planned for a solo trip to South Asia, half- marathon and will continue to chase opportunities myself which he is nothing but supportive of, but at the same time, I do feel like I'll be missing a part of me whilst he's gone. And I don't really want a partner who is absent but I don't want to lose him.
I'm not sure what I'm asking for, advice, support, reassurance?
.His growth over the last three years I have known him has been staggering -as cliché as it sounds, he begun to find himself, and his passion to join the army became one of these. His choice to join the army had started out as another way to look into joining intelligence as other career paths (MI5 etc) just wasn't feasible with his qualifications, but then it grew into something more. For about a year (2022) he was always 'maybe' whenever I asked him if he was interested in joining, until midway in 2023, he was getting more serious.
Now, admittedly, I wasn't fond of the idea. For again context, I'm a really anxious person; I overthink, I self-sabotage and always think the worst, and suffer with OCD (contamination). I'm self aware. I know how frustrating that can be for the other person who has to reassure or deal with my complex emotions etc. Me and my boyfriend also were bought up differently where I feel he keeps his emotions to himself or has the attitude of 'what will be, will be' or accepts things if things do go wrong, whereas, I hate uncertainty, I hate the unknown, and express my feelings 100%. I'm also madly in love with him and cannot think of anyone else I would want a future with.
He'll be going for his assessment centre at the end of Jan, looking to join the RA, and wants to hopefully join 29 or 148 commando regiments. (We're based in the West Midlands so he'll be based either 2 hours or 3 hours away depending on the regiment down South etc). I have no doubt he'll smash it as he did so well in his preliminary, and most likely will then start basic training in March - which I assume is the next intake.
He has been nothing but upfront about the army and I haven't at times been as supportive as I should have been. I can confess that. I know that's wrong of me because he should be allowed to chase his dreams, and I'd never stop him (not that would anyway stop him from pursuing it). I have my ups and downs, some days I feel optimistic that our relationship will thrive but then other days, I'm pessimistic and feel scared for the transition from seeing each other frequently to rarely. I get sad that we won't be able to go hiking together as much or that he'll miss milestones or events when he's away. He has been nothing but reassuring, he isn't worried, he thinks we'll be fine but my just anxiety takes over. His attitude of not being scared makes my anxiety feel like doesn't care (stupid I know) or that he'll be fine either way.
I'm constantly asking 'what if' - thinking what if he he lose interest, will I be able to cope not seeing him, what if he doesn't want to live together etc. I think because we're mid 20s and we don't live together, that's another thing that scares me as social media and society's expectations don't help. I don't want children yet (we're both the same on this) and to be honest, before he even applied for the army, I wasn't even bothered about moving out yet, it hadn't crossed my mind. But now everything has gone from 0-100 with my anxiety, and I'm looking so far ahead.
My boyfriend wouldn't want to live together straight away when he goes which understandably will be determined where he's based and of course, he wants to really throw himself into the army, take on all opportunities. I also need to think about my career as I'm in a good place but I would like to leave my hometown at some point.
He does get fed of up me being 'silly', worrying too much, understandably so, but I also know my feelings are valid. And we've had many honest conversations. I have asked him if he wants a relationship when he goes in and he wants nothing more than to be with me.
He has though admitted he doesn't understand my point of view because he feels things won't change for me back at home, but they will for him - which I'd argue against that view. He knows as well that he'll cope better than me when he's in there, he'll miss me but he'll be able to get on, which again, makes my anxiety spiral - like does he care? Is he bothered? Will he actually miss me? I just feel like I'm thinking more about our future than he is at times. He says all this cute things about growing old together and even half-heartedly joked about me joining the army (but I wouldn't), but actions speak louder than words, so I guess I won't know until he's in there.
Family and friends have told me to go with the flow, see what happens and that relationships do work, but the uncertainty just throws me off. I don't want to give up because I love him and I know he loves me too, but I'm just so scared. Honestly, I thought we'd be backpacking and travelling etc, but of course, that's life, it doesn't always go your way. I want to be that supportive girlfriend. I want to think that we'll get through this and we'll still be able to travel, go hiking and eventually live together.
Also, I'm not just sitting back, I am trying to think about myself too. I have planned for a solo trip to South Asia, half- marathon and will continue to chase opportunities myself which he is nothing but supportive of, but at the same time, I do feel like I'll be missing a part of me whilst he's gone. And I don't really want a partner who is absent but I don't want to lose him.
I'm not sure what I'm asking for, advice, support, reassurance?
My background: ex-RAF, ex-Recruiter, boyfriend ex-military and was serving when we met.
Worse case scenario first, be prepared to support your boyfriend if he doesn't make it into the Army or, subsequently, the Commandos, either through selection or during training; there are a lot of hurdles to get through and there is always a risk of injury that I know has stopped people's progress entirely.
Remember, people do have relationships with one partner in the military. Patience and communication is key! You need to talk to him and find out more about what it involves. There will be times when he won't be allowed communication, or he'll be too busy and tired to do so. There will be things that he's not allowed to tell you. As well as his normal role, there'll be extra duties he will take on, some voluntary, some not; further training courses, guard duty, parades, extracurricular to boost his profile and promotion prospects, sports and expeditions just for fun. Things will happen at short notice, he won't necessarily be allowed leave when he wants and could work weekends so yes, he will miss events.
He's got a lot of other things to think about, so maybe he's hoping that the relationship is fine and it's one less worry for him. Ultimately, you'll be able to visit each other and it's worth you going to his base and seeing some of his life there. You may even meet others in the same situation as you. End of the day, you could as easily split up if he wasn't going into the Army and you were living together as him joining the military. Friends and family are right; make your plans and go with the flow, as there's no knowing what might with his future or for the pair of you.
Happy to chat further or PM me!
Worse case scenario first, be prepared to support your boyfriend if he doesn't make it into the Army or, subsequently, the Commandos, either through selection or during training; there are a lot of hurdles to get through and there is always a risk of injury that I know has stopped people's progress entirely.
Remember, people do have relationships with one partner in the military. Patience and communication is key! You need to talk to him and find out more about what it involves. There will be times when he won't be allowed communication, or he'll be too busy and tired to do so. There will be things that he's not allowed to tell you. As well as his normal role, there'll be extra duties he will take on, some voluntary, some not; further training courses, guard duty, parades, extracurricular to boost his profile and promotion prospects, sports and expeditions just for fun. Things will happen at short notice, he won't necessarily be allowed leave when he wants and could work weekends so yes, he will miss events.
He's got a lot of other things to think about, so maybe he's hoping that the relationship is fine and it's one less worry for him. Ultimately, you'll be able to visit each other and it's worth you going to his base and seeing some of his life there. You may even meet others in the same situation as you. End of the day, you could as easily split up if he wasn't going into the Army and you were living together as him joining the military. Friends and family are right; make your plans and go with the flow, as there's no knowing what might with his future or for the pair of you.
Happy to chat further or PM me!
Original post by Surnia
My background: ex-RAF, ex-Recruiter, boyfriend ex-military and was serving when we met.
Worse case scenario first, be prepared to support your boyfriend if he doesn't make it into the Army or, subsequently, the Commandos, either through selection or during training; there are a lot of hurdles to get through and there is always a risk of injury that I know has stopped people's progress entirely.
Remember, people do have relationships with one partner in the military. Patience and communication is key! You need to talk to him and find out more about what it involves. There will be times when he won't be allowed communication, or he'll be too busy and tired to do so. There will be things that he's not allowed to tell you. As well as his normal role, there'll be extra duties he will take on, some voluntary, some not; further training courses, guard duty, parades, extracurricular to boost his profile and promotion prospects, sports and expeditions just for fun. Things will happen at short notice, he won't necessarily be allowed leave when he wants and could work weekends so yes, he will miss events.
He's got a lot of other things to think about, so maybe he's hoping that the relationship is fine and it's one less worry for him. Ultimately, you'll be able to visit each other and it's worth you going to his base and seeing some of his life there. You may even meet others in the same situation as you. End of the day, you could as easily split up if he wasn't going into the Army and you were living together as him joining the military. Friends and family are right; make your plans and go with the flow, as there's no knowing what might with his future or for the pair of you.
Happy to chat further or PM me!
Worse case scenario first, be prepared to support your boyfriend if he doesn't make it into the Army or, subsequently, the Commandos, either through selection or during training; there are a lot of hurdles to get through and there is always a risk of injury that I know has stopped people's progress entirely.
Remember, people do have relationships with one partner in the military. Patience and communication is key! You need to talk to him and find out more about what it involves. There will be times when he won't be allowed communication, or he'll be too busy and tired to do so. There will be things that he's not allowed to tell you. As well as his normal role, there'll be extra duties he will take on, some voluntary, some not; further training courses, guard duty, parades, extracurricular to boost his profile and promotion prospects, sports and expeditions just for fun. Things will happen at short notice, he won't necessarily be allowed leave when he wants and could work weekends so yes, he will miss events.
He's got a lot of other things to think about, so maybe he's hoping that the relationship is fine and it's one less worry for him. Ultimately, you'll be able to visit each other and it's worth you going to his base and seeing some of his life there. You may even meet others in the same situation as you. End of the day, you could as easily split up if he wasn't going into the Army and you were living together as him joining the military. Friends and family are right; make your plans and go with the flow, as there's no knowing what might with his future or for the pair of you.
Happy to chat further or PM me!
Does it differ if you're both serving in the military (same regiment/ or different) i.e. will it make the relationship easier as you're working together or do you experience the same hardships?
It's also disheartening with the narratives you see across social media - predominantly Tik Tok or Reddit forums which just say you have no chance with the relationship.
Original post by Anonymous #1
Does it differ if you're both serving in the military (same regiment/ or different) i.e. will it make the relationship easier as you're working together or do you experience the same hardships?
It's also disheartening with the narratives you see across social media - predominantly Tik Tok or Reddit forums which just say you have no chance with the relationship.
It's also disheartening with the narratives you see across social media - predominantly Tik Tok or Reddit forums which just say you have no chance with the relationship.
We served quite a few years ago, and whilst you can put foward options on geographical locations or jobs you would like, you go where the military needs you and into roles for your career development. There was more flexibility towards married and serving couples being stationed together, but not bf/gf, not that we ever asked for the same place anyway.
Relationships don't always work out between civilians who are married and live together, so I wouldn't pay any attention to thick tok on this subject!
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