mum won’t let me go to cambridge

I applied to uni without telling my parents as I know neither of them want me to go (they see it as a waste of money/time especially as i’m doing a humanities subject). but, I got an offer from cambridge so I decided to tell them and my mum was so annoyed about it. She wants me to stay at home and do an open uni degree, and keeps telling me I “won’t like uni”. Honestly I think she’s got attachment issues or something that became worse over lockdown, but she really really doesn’t want me going. I know it’s normal for parents to be emotional about you going to uni, but this seems really extreme and she keeps yelling that I hate her and am going to leave her forever after all these years of raising me and she might as well just die. My dad isn’t so extreme but he’d still rather I got a job or did an apprenticeship. I have no idea how to make them let me go without ruining our relationship!!

Reply 1

Anonymous #2

Parents can have all kinds of difficulties letti g their children go. The crucial thing, though, is that you do what’s best for you. Soon enough she’ll either get used to it and be ok with it, or will have reason to get support. If you don’t take the offer and you want to go you might not ever be able to rebuild your relationship, even though it might make her happy, because you might never be able to forgive her for it. In the end, you’ll be an adult and you can decide. Apply for all the funding you might need, and so on, and then you’ll have it all set up so that you can go. If you have another adult you trust who might be able to talk to her, maybe do that too, and at least make other people you trust aware of the situation so they can help should you ever need help with anything. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but congrats on your offer, you’ve done so well!

Reply 2

Anonymous #3

Congratulations on your offer - that is absolutely fantastic and you should be bursting with pride. I'm a mum, my kids are just a bit younger than you and I am really sorry to read that your parents are having the reaction they are. When you become a parent you don't get a manual on how to be a good one and some do a better job than others but the emotional guilt tripping is unforgiveable in my opinion. Who knows why she's kicking off like that but try to dig deep and not let it affect you too much, especially in this all important year.....you need to make those grades!
You are not responsible for her emotional wellbeing and she probably needs to find another outlet for how she's feeling and seek advice from a forum like Mumsnet where I can tell you there's an army who will gently pull her up on her behaviour whilst affirming her fears about 'losing' you.
Try not to get involved in the histrionics and just calming assert that this is what you want (it's quite powerful to hear your child say the words 'this is what I want' out loud) and are working so hard for. Don't waste your own emotional energy trying to placate or persuade her. She will calm down but probably not before she's tried a different route of how are you going to afford this and don't think we are going to help you out financially etc. Just get your head down and make those grades - if home isn't a calm working environment is there somewhere else you can study. Is there a teacher you can confide in who will mentor you a bit?
You say you are worried about ruining your relationship with them if you do go but you will ruin it if you don't - imagine a lifetime of resentment if you felt they held you back and you let them. It's hard to imagine that right now at the age you are but honestly I know many grown-ups who have spent their lives messed up by their parents.
Well done again - it's such an incredible thing to have that offer. Enjoy the good feeling as much as you can

Reply 3

username6714755

1

Original post by Anonymous #1

I applied to uni without telling my parents as I know neither of them want me to go (they see it as a waste of money/time especially as i’m doing a humanities subject). but, I got an offer from cambridge so I decided to tell them and my mum was so annoyed about it. She wants me to stay at home and do an open uni degree, and keeps telling me I “won’t like uni”. Honestly I think she’s got attachment issues or something that became worse over lockdown, but she really really doesn’t want me going. I know it’s normal for parents to be emotional about you going to uni, but this seems really extreme and she keeps yelling that I hate her and am going to leave her forever after all these years of raising me and she might as well just die. My dad isn’t so extreme but he’d still rather I got a job or did an apprenticeship. I have no idea how to make them let me go without ruining our relationship!!

Congratulations! From what I remember, Cambridge have a generous bursary system. Contact your college and ask for information on estranged student support, just in case. Don’t let your parents stop you from enjoying three fantastic years, it’s your life and you can’t live by their rules forever or you’ll resent them and regret it. Once you’re 18 you’re an adult and can do what you want so you don’t need their permission. Which course/college?

Reply 4

Wired_1800

20

Original post by Anonymous #1

I applied to uni without telling my parents as I know neither of them want me to go (they see it as a waste of money/time especially as i’m doing a humanities subject). but, I got an offer from cambridge so I decided to tell them and my mum was so annoyed about it. She wants me to stay at home and do an open uni degree, and keeps telling me I “won’t like uni”. Honestly I think she’s got attachment issues or something that became worse over lockdown, but she really really doesn’t want me going. I know it’s normal for parents to be emotional about you going to uni, but this seems really extreme and she keeps yelling that I hate her and am going to leave her forever after all these years of raising me and she might as well just die. My dad isn’t so extreme but he’d still rather I got a job or did an apprenticeship. I have no idea how to make them let me go without ruining our relationship!!

@Scotney @lalexm

Any advice for this person?

Reply 5

lalexm

16

Original post by Wired_1800

@Scotney @lalexm

Any advice for this person?

Not sure I have any useful advice as this sounds totally alien to me. I can't imagine how someone would be able to go through the long and arduous Cambridge application process without their parents knowing, and I've never heard of any parent not being happy about their kid getting into Cambridge either. They should talk to the parent to try to really understand what the issue really is, and to see if there is anything that can be done to mitigate the parents concern, but at the same time they need to be very clear that they going, come what may.

Reply 6

Wired_1800

20

Original post by lalexm

Not sure I have any useful advice as this sounds totally alien to me. I can't imagine how someone would be able to go through the long and arduous Cambridge application process without their parents knowing, and I've never heard of any parent not being happy about their kid getting into Cambridge either. They should talk to the parent to try to really understand what the issue really is, and to see if there is anything that can be done to mitigate the parents concern, but at the same time they need to be very clear that they going, come what may.

I agree. Thanks for the great advice.

Reply 7

Picnicl

15

Why are you Anonymous? I don't take what anonymous people say as 'fact' nor is there any reason why I should (even if you weren't anonymous).

Reply 8

SilverPebble

14

Original post by Anonymous #1

I applied to uni without telling my parents as I know neither of them want me to go (they see it as a waste of money/time especially as i’m doing a humanities subject). but, I got an offer from cambridge so I decided to tell them and my mum was so annoyed about it. She wants me to stay at home and do an open uni degree, and keeps telling me I “won’t like uni”. Honestly I think she’s got attachment issues or something that became worse over lockdown, but she really really doesn’t want me going. I know it’s normal for parents to be emotional about you going to uni, but this seems really extreme and she keeps yelling that I hate her and am going to leave her forever after all these years of raising me and she might as well just die. My dad isn’t so extreme but he’d still rather I got a job or did an apprenticeship. I have no idea how to make them let me go without ruining our relationship!!

If you did manage to do what you say you did, then I'm sure you have the strength of mind to do what you need to do next.

Reply 9

Anonymous #4

Original post by Anonymous #1

I applied to uni without telling my parents as I know neither of them want me to go (they see it as a waste of money/time especially as i’m doing a humanities subject). but, I got an offer from cambridge so I decided to tell them and my mum was so annoyed about it. She wants me to stay at home and do an open uni degree, and keeps telling me I “won’t like uni”. Honestly I think she’s got attachment issues or something that became worse over lockdown, but she really really doesn’t want me going. I know it’s normal for parents to be emotional about you going to uni, but this seems really extreme and she keeps yelling that I hate her and am going to leave her forever after all these years of raising me and she might as well just die. My dad isn’t so extreme but he’d still rather I got a job or did an apprenticeship. I have no idea how to make them let me go without ruining our relationship!!

Parents will get sad at their children leaving but trying to guilt trip you is just too far and manipulative. You should be proud of your result and do whatever makes you happy. This is your life, you are living it for yourself - not ur parents. Sometimes you may need to break your relationships in order to make them stronger and better in the future. Most parents will be thrilled if their child got into Cambridge so the fact that they don't seem happy is so sad. You just have to go for it, dont worry about them. They are grown adults and you will be too.
While I don't have any advice how to actually MAKE them let you go, what you cat tell them is to get a grip and stop acting so pathetic. I will never understand parents who are like this and i dont have any sympathy for them. Imagine how they'll act when you want to move out. Congrats on ur offer and i hope it all goes well

Reply 10

Scotney

20

Original post by Anonymous #1

I applied to uni without telling my parents as I know neither of them want me to go (they see it as a waste of money/time especially as i’m doing a humanities subject). but, I got an offer from cambridge so I decided to tell them and my mum was so annoyed about it. She wants me to stay at home and do an open uni degree, and keeps telling me I “won’t like uni”. Honestly I think she’s got attachment issues or something that became worse over lockdown, but she really really doesn’t want me going. I know it’s normal for parents to be emotional about you going to uni, but this seems really extreme and she keeps yelling that I hate her and am going to leave her forever after all these years of raising me and she might as well just die. My dad isn’t so extreme but he’d still rather I got a job or did an apprenticeship. I have no idea how to make them let me go without ruining our relationship!!

Dad is the key to this assuming he and mum get on.I would try and calmly explain why you want to go to Cambridge and even try to get him along to the offer day.He is the one who can and should deal with your mother.
She is not your responsibility even though you care about her.This is your life and you must do what is right for you.This is not the only case by a long way that I have heard of particularly among some cultures or parents who have not gone to uni themselves.
Your mother sounds like she is in need of some sort of therapy or perhaps HRT!She does not sound like she is very happy or fulfilled in her own life which is sad and could be part of the start of the menopause.A trip to the doctor's is probably what should happen but it does not sound like she is going to be listening to that right now but bear it in mind.
You should definitely go to Cambridge and well done btw on your offer.
Ps You will not lose your parents over this,be resolute and they will get used to the idea.

(edited 3 months ago)

Reply 11

Anonymous #5

Go to Cambridge, your mum will get over it . Open university will not provide you with the same level of opportunities as Cambridge. Its pretty much a once in a life time opportunity.

mum won’t let me go to cambridge

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