The "Not Rape" Epidemic

I just came across this powerful essay today and was absolutely blown away at how on-the-ball it is and, more importantly, how it really shouldn't be. Though I've been fortunate enough to escape these experiences myself, I have heard many terrifying stories from friends that serve as cruel reminders that, even in a day and age that supposedly promotes equality and empowerment, women continue to be taken advantage of sexually.

Does our culture, with its continual sexualization and objectification of women, victim-blaming and slut-shaming, actively promote sexual assault, if not rape? One of the stories in the essay reminds me of the poor girl who was clearly gang-raped by the Austrailian rugby team and yet most newspapers, including The Sun, wouldn't even use the word "rape", calling it a "group sex scandal" instead. Moreover, throughout many media outlets, people blamed her for the incident. It's sickening.

The essay itself is a bit lengthy, but it's so important for both genders to read:

Spoiler

If you're feeling lazy, the article is bascially about "gray rape"- when the sexual assault can't be proven as "rape" (ie- no stranger in a dark alley or shrubbery), but the woman is taken advantage of into having sex she doesn't want. Here is the most important bit of the essay:

This is how the Not Rape epidemic spreads - through fear and silence, which become complicit in perpetuating the behaviors described here. Women of all backgrounds are affected by these kinds of acts, regardless of race, ethnicity, or social class......What happened in the courtroom is a byproduct of rape culture - when what happens to women in marginalized, when beyond a shadow of a doubt still isn’t enough, when your past, manner of dress, grade point average or intoxication level are used to excuse the despicable acts of sexual violence inflicted upon you by another.

Internalized shame is what I experienced, that heavy feeling that it was my fault for allowing the sexual assault to happen. There was a fear that if I spoke up, people would look at me differently, or worse, wouldn’t believe me at all.

Without these words, those experiences feed off each other, perpetuating a culture of silence and allowing these attacks to continue.

With the proper tools, we equip our girls to speak of their truth and to end the silence that is complicit in rape culture.

Teenaged girls need to know that dating an older man will not make them cooler, and that older man cannot rescue them from their parents. Teenaged boys should be able to help as well, trying to keep their friends away from predators. (My male friends did this for me a few times if they were around, coming to my aid of some guy started acting up. For some reason, the simple presence of another man is enough to make these kind of men leave.) Adult men should be cautioned about the effects of the actions and how most of these girls are not of the age of consent. And parents should be made aware that their children are being targeted by predatory men and that they should stay vigilant.

As a forum, we really should foster an open dialogue about this in order to promote understanding and (hopefully) prevent incidents like this from occurring in the future. Girls, has anything like this happened to you? Guys, have you ever witnessed this or committed a "Not Rape", accidentally (or otherwise), or been a victim of it yourself? I realize this sort of sexual harassment need not just be male-on-female, but could just as easily be female-on-male or male-on-male, and no less traumatic.

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Reply 1

MeanMachine

That's far too long for 4am read!

Reply 2

littleshambles

Wow, the Sun actually calls it a "romp". What the **** is wrong with that paper.

Reply 3

username282405

How we define it isnt going to stop it from happening. Theres always going to be rape in the world. Even if there was a death penalty and every inch of land was monitered, there would still be rape.

Reply 4

Laus

I will read the article later; thanks for your efforts.

Stay passionate!

Reply 5

cazamatazz

Eh, people always tell me I wasn't raped. Hilariously, they give me negative reputation on this site when I say someone drugged and forcibly had sex with me. Clearly not rape. Oh no.

That article's kind of whack, though. Most of the girls I know who've been raped haven't been raped by older men or sexual predators (at least, not people you'd recognise as sexual predators). It's mostly friends and boyfriends.

Reply 6

oo_Lucinda_oo

I was sexually assaulted, almost raped - had he not been interrupted - when I was 16, by a stranger who had struck up conversation with me (asking for my number) whilst I was walking home. Saying no led him to drag me down a nearby road and attempt to rape me.

The first person I saw after the attack, when I was in tears, could barely breathe from hyperventilating, and my tights torn + ripped, my clothes dirtied, decided to ignore me when I asked for help. This led me to doing nothing about it, not telling anyone and not going to the police - and I possibly could have had him caught, as he stole my phone and used it for at least a few weeks afterwards.

This attack has stayed with me for years and affected the way I feel whenever I am walking alone, my view of the opposite sex and my attitude towards sex. Only a few weeks ago, a man in drag in his 40s came onto me when I was alone, and attempted to touch me inappropriately. Yeah, it sounds hilarious, but it's really not. I can totally relate to this article, because with me it was ''not rape'', meaning I felt I had nothing to say about it.

If he hadn't been interrupted, and had raped me, would I have gone to the police? I don't know. Perhaps not, because I get the distinct sense nothing would be done about it. The scariest thing is, it isn't just me. I have several friends who this has happened to, and as cazamatazz has said, it is often someone they already knew.

Reply 7

MancStudent098

marlowe92

Does our culture, with its continual sexualization and objectification of women, victim-blaming and slut-shaming, actively promote sexual assault, if not rape? One of the stories in the essay reminds me of the poor girl who was clearly gang-raped by the Austrailian rugby team and yet most newspapers, including The Sun, wouldn't even use the word "rape", calling it a "group sex scandal" instead. Moreover, throughout many media outlets, people blamed her for the incident. It's sickening.

In all honesty men have it just as bad, I've been told so many times by girls that 'at least guys can't be raped'. Yes, actually we can. I think a lot of these misconceptions all stem from one idea, that rape normally happens in a dark backstreet with someone you've never seen before. It doesn't, it's normally a partner or a family member. Sadly the very kind of people you expect to protect you.

Reply 8

EskimoJo

marlowe92

Spoiler

I've only just read this after bookmarking the page (and needing something to procrastinate with atm). I haven't really experienced anything that can be classed as not rape, let alone rape, so I haven't got any stories or additions of my own to contribute, but I'm bumping your thread anyway. :smile:

However, I will say this and hope that I don't get flamed for it. I dunno if I've just lived a very sheltered life even though I grew up in not very nice areas of London, but this all seems very foreign to me. Yes, I know girls are pressured into sex when they're not always ready, but the whole 11 year old sex/pregnancies, the skipping school to drive around having sex with an older boyfriend, having a much older boyfriend at all, it all seems very American.
I'd like to know, is this type of thing common in the UK? Was I just very well protected from it all by my parents (thanks ma and pa, btw)? Do stepdads/mom's boyfriends ask for sexual favours here? I can't imagine any boy aged 14 or whatever, when I was 14 attacking me to prove that he could 'do anything he wanted to me'. :s-smilie:

I never had a mantra of how to protect myself from rape when I was 11/12, I simply didn't know or need to know what rape was.
Would be interested in the stories of other British TSRians, obviously you can go anonymous here.

Reply 9

tom//

i would be astounded if 50% of what she said actually happened

somehow i just cant believe it though

Reply 10

Strawberrycayk

Reminds me of Princess [by jean sasson]
Its also sickening how in some countries forcing a girl you have 'bought' to have sex with you isn't considered rape or how making your wife have sex with you without her consent isn't rape etc

Of course same applies to guys.. since they can get raped too.

Sad, horrific, disgusting people. :frown:

Reply 11

ch0c0h01ic

marlowe92

As a forum, we really should foster an open dialogue about this in order to promote understanding and (hopefully) prevent incidents like this from occurring in the future.

What is the main thing that people can do to avoid rape (or indeed most crimes)? Avoid potentially dangerous situations. Don't walk home on your own late at night, avoid secluded areas, don't get so drunk that you don't know what's going on and/or can't get yourself home safely, use registered taxis, etc. Sure you shouldn't have to dress conservatively, you should be able to get as drunk as you like and walk wherever you want but in the real world that isn't possible.

Sadly a lot of victims seem to be completely ignorant about having a responsibility to their own personal safety. Yes people should step in if they think something is amiss but equally they aren't always going to be around to help. You're gambling with your personal safety.

Someone that I know used to be a terrible drunk, myself and her friends were always fighting to get her home safely. The night that we weren't around she was raped. Sure it wasn't her fault concerning what happened, but undoubtedly she wouldn't have been in such a situation if she wasn't blind drunk, that she hadn't abandoned her friends, that she hadn't chosen to use an unlicensed cab, etc. She learnt all of this the hard way.

Likewise should something happen being drunk/stoned/whatever is going to affect the quality of your testimony/evidence. It may seem harsh but it's the same with any crime.

Another key factor is giving evidence and pressing for charges. Too many victims don't even come forward and many drop charges. If you want it to stop you've got to make a stand and see these people behind bars rather than relying continually on other people. The only person you can trust and depend upon unequivocally in this life is yourself.

Reply 12

ziggycj

I find it quite annoying the way papers portray victims and play down the crime.

I also think defendants shouldnt be allowed to talk about peoples personalites

Reply 13

Smtn

btw, men get raped too

Reply 14

TableChair

From what I can work out, along with a few made up stories (or she went to the most ridiculous schools where 11 year olds regularly went out with 19 year olds), her points were:

1) Stuff that isn't rape but is sexual assault is bad
2) Don't go out with guys much older than you when you're under the age of consent, they're probably sexual predators

Well no ****.

Reply 15

cowsgoquack

I blame attractive people. It's their fault for being attractive. They're promoting rape by being pretty.

Reply 16

samanthah

MancStudent098

I know that men can be raped and I agree that it is a grossly ignored issue, but I don't think that it's fair to say men have it just as bad. I've been gray-area raped once (so drunk I couldn't even talk, guy was sober) and assaulted once which I don't want to go into; these were two separate occasions nearly two years apart. The number of my female friends who have also been assaulted is astonishing, but as far as I know it hasn't happened to any guy that I know personally. I don't mean to offend you or any men who have been raped/assaulted, I just think it happens far less to men. Though if women had the parts to enable rape, who's to say what the statistic might be.

EDIT: did not read the whole essay or even most of it, so yeah. Just saying =)

Reply 17

Sobi

TL;DR

Oh dear, read it. Not enough background infomation.

Reply 18

goodmen

Girls shouldnt put them selves in to these situations, dont go back to a mans room under the pretense of sex then decide against it. Your asking for trouble.

Reply 19

RobertPires

I read it all and have to say I wasn't impressed. I came in here expecting a good essay on sexual assault or date rape and instead read this woman's anecdotal evidence and conjecture. Before anyone jumps on my back, I'm a feminist, I think rape is one of the most abhorrent crimes there is, I never seek to make excuses for men involved and I think this woman's experiences were terrible, however she is blaming society for a problem that is always going to exist.

Anyway, my problems with it were...

Not rape was being pressured into losing your virginity in a swimming pool pump room to keep your older boyfriend happy.

That isn't rape or even this "Not Rape" she seems to be trying to coin, it is what happens in all relationships (not just romantic ones). One party wants to do something, the other doesn't, so they either compromise or one party does something they don't want to.
If the woman at any point says no, she doesn't want to do this and never backtracks on that then I want the full weight of the law brought down upon the guy. However the problem is that as humans we all strive to get what we want out of any situation. If a guy wants to have sex with you he is going to do everything within his power to convince you to do so. If you really don't want to do it, then you have to have the strength to say no.
The social climate is admittedly one that doesn't necessarily make it easy for a young girl to say no to her boyfriend, however if she doesn't want to do it, she has to say, mean it and keep on saying it every time he asks until she is ready or he pisses off. Someone "grinding you down" doesn't make it any less consensual. At some point this person has said or done something that has convinced you that sleeping with them is your best option. Even if this guy is a complete scumbag and says he is leaving you if it doesn't happen, if you think sleeping with him is better than being without him then you have arrived at the decision in your mind to have sex with him. It doesn't make him a rapist or a "not-rapist". It makes him a horrible person and complete scum, but the woman has made a decision.

Not rape was waking up in the middle of the night to find a trusted family friend in bed with you - and having nightmares about something that you can’t remember during the daylight hours.

If you are talking date rape, then it isn't "not rape", it's rape. If you are saying you got a little bit too drunk and did something you regret, then you are culpable for it. Even if this person was a "trusted family friend". If you at some point made it clear to this individual you were willing to sleep with them and have then later changed your mind, this person is not responsible for your actions. I really don't understand where she's going on this point...

Not rape was having your mother’s boyfriends ask you for sexual favors.

A horrific experience I'm sure, but hardly grounds to call sexual assault. Has this guy grossly misbehaved? Yes, but he hasn't actually done anything beyond propositioning you. Just as it is his right to ask, it is your right to decline. I have a very hard time believing that anybodies parents would dismiss this, especially if the party in question is below the age of consent.

Not rape was feeling the same group of boys grope you between classes, day after day after day.

This is quite clearly sexual assault and something you should be reporting to the correct authorities. Start of with reporting it your school and then if it continues to the police. If you refuse to make an issue out of it, then nobody else can do anything to help you. It isn't your fault it's happening, but you've done absolutely nothing to attempt to stop it as far as I can tell from what has been outlined in this scenario.

Not rape was being twelve years old, having a “boyfriend” who was twenty-four and trading sex for free rides, pocket money, Reeboks, and a place to stay when your mother was tripping.

That isn't "not rape" it is rape. Statutory rape to be precise. If this was something you didn't want to be doing, then it's something you shouldn't have entered into. The law says that you cannot consent so the guy doing this clearly needs to be prosecuted, but it's another case of if you aren't happy with the status quo, you need to do something. There are, unfortuneatly always going to be the sort of sick, sexual deviants who will attempt to do this with twelve year old girls. Perhaps at the time you thought it was ok, but now you're grown up you know otherwise. If that's the case then you need to report the offence now. If you refuse to help have the people targetting these girls charged and hopefully incarcerated, then what can any of who had no knowledge of these relationships do?

The bottom line is if these girls had been educated properly then they'd actually realise that all these "not-rape" incidents were at the very least sexual assault. Throughout the essay she makes excuses for why her and her friends didn't report these matters, even going into detail about why nobody would believe her, but that isn't the point. If you are the victim of a sexual assualt you have to make it known. You have to have the courage to stand up and tell people what this person has done to you.
Can anyone guarantee a conviction? No. Can anyone guarantee you'll be believed? No, but if you hide away making excuses for why it would be pointless to tell anyone apart from your friends then you aren't helping to break the cycle. You are perpetuating it. The essay's conclusion is just stating the blindingly obvious, that essentially people need to be aware of what laws are in place to protect them. That doesn't just apply to rape, "not rape", or to women, it applies every single member of society.

I also question what she is referring to by "rape-culture". As far as I am aware within the Western world it is pretty much unanimously accepted that rape is a heinous crime. Society may promote the sexualisation and objectification of women, but to call that a "rape-culture" is not only cynical, but naive.