I'm not going to post this anonymously, though I'm aware a lot of you won't agree with some of the things I have written and likely tell me things such as "cheer up" or "get a job and stop leeching taxpayers money", but I don't see the point in leaving this message behind an anonymous tag. Go easy on the negative reputation.
I'm sorry if this doesn't read very well. Thoughts are just pouring out through my fingers and i'm noting them down before I forget due to the sheer volume of crap I have on my mind at the moment. I guess I need somewhere to vent; somewhere where I can pretend somebody might actually take a moment to listen.
It's hard to say where the turning point was in my life that led to the way things are now. I used to have friends, girlfriends, a part time job, I did well in college, I socialised every week and had fun, I was a student paramedic. Life was okay.
But fast forward to present day. I turn 22 in 3 months to the day. I'm back doing A levels at college because my university course was so stressful. I was for so long unaware of what I wanted to do, and i'm doing terrible at college because thus far I have missed around two consecutive weeks of lessons due to mental health problems, which I will address in another paragraph. I don't have a job. I've been in receipt of income support for a while because of my health, and haven't worked since may, where I was asked to leave my part time job for being drunk at work.
The mental health problems? I became depressed at the end of summer 2007 after leaving my university course. I overdosed on three separate occasions before being admitted to a psychiatric ward for a little under a week, released on christmas eve. Since then I took roughly three or four more overdoses. It's hard to say when the voices started - auditory hallucinations I believe they were called. I was prescribed anti-psychotic medication for these which I still have to take to this day.
Recently I attended my first university interview after having applied through UCAS to start Mental Health Nursing in the autumn of 2009. I just received an unconditional offer. I should be happy about this right? I'm not. I feel nothing. In fact that's the way things have been for a long time. I cannot recall the last time I felt anything remotely close to being happy. Perhaps the title of this post was misleading; i'm not devoid of all emotion exactly - I feel on the verge of tears writing this. I'm so utterly depressed with the state of my life at the moment, but I feel I have absolutely no control over anything. I feel empty, numb. I have made some effort to change things. I recently started volunteer work but had to stop attending within two weeks of the training beginning because I found it near impossible to concentrate and focus on.
Onto my relationships. Or lack thereof. It's been perhaps a year since I've had anything resembling an intimate relationship with a girl, however at the moment I don't really care. My libido is dead, and I can honestly say i'm neutral towards the opposite sex right now. In fact the same applies to every other human being around me. I'm sorry and I don't mean offense by this but I don't care about any of you. You could all be dead tomorrow and I wouldn't feel anything. The same applies to my so called "friends". They're there. They give me some sort of interaction but if they were gone tomorrow, I wouldn't care. I wouldn't miss them. What's wrong with me? Why can't I make a connection with another person? I guess you could pretty much say I have no friends. I talk to people from my class in college, and occasionally on the internet. I never see them otherwise; they get on with their lives, I don't question it. I don't care.
At the moment my life consists of three things. College, sleep and the internet. If I can make it to college that is; sometimes the crippling anxiety and depression doesn't allow me to make it past getting out of bed or the front door. If i'm not in class, i'm either asleep, or on the internet at stupid hours of the morning when I SHOULD be asleep. I feel that I'm slowly losing the will to carry this on. Some days I don't even feel like eating. I'd estimate I haven't showered in around 5 days, yes I'm aware how disgusting that is, no need to tell me. I don't expect things to change when I go to university. IF I go to university. I used to be able to look optimisticly towards that aspect of my future. Now I don't have that insight. Right now I take it as an accomplishment to make it to the end of each day without learning from my stupidity of failing to take a large enough overdose the previous five or six times, and following through properly.