It took me two years to write this down, but it's about time I dealt with this.
Dear You,
I miss you. I'd like to think you're able to read this, somehow. I hope that you still exist, in soul, if not body. I hope that you found what you were looking for - the peace that you never found in life. I feel very alone without you. Nobody understands me quite the way you did. Nobody makes half the effort to make sure I'm ok as you did.
I wish it hadn't come to this. I wish, hell, I wish a lot of things. I wish you hadn't reached a point that you couldn't cope with life anymore. I wish that you had been able to talk to me about what was bothering you. Even now, almost two years to the day, I'm still not exactly sure what triggered you to do it. I don't despise you for what happened, because I've been on the brink myself - but you know that. I just wish I could've helped you and that you had told me what was wrong. Then I would've thought more carefully before answering your question. You asked me a basic question about the antidepressant you were on. I gave you an answer. We asked each other questions about that kind of thing a lot. My answer to your question and the knowledge it gave you was responsible for your death. *I* was at least partly responsible for your death. If you'd told me how bad you were feeling I wouldn't have given you that knowledge. But I should've known how you were feeling. We were close enough that we damned near finished each others sentences.
You were my best friend and the big sister that I never had all rolled into one, and above all else, you were a wonderful person. You believed in me when I never did, you got me to deal with how I was feeling, physically and mentally, and get help before it was too late, on both counts. If only I could have done the same for you. You were such a kind person, caring and compassionate - albeit with a scary, cold mask that you put on around everyone else. I'll hate myself for the rest of my life for my part in what happened to you, even if it was accidental. I should have known better, and I'm so, so sorry. I love you, my dear old friend. See you on the other side, love. If by some miracle, this message ever reaches you, say hello to my mother for me, please. I miss her too.
Bye Sis,
All my love,
Me