19 years old, financially dependent on parents, abusive dad... i need to leave

was just wondering if someone could please take the time to read this and give me some advice or help me out, i am literally at my wits end and have no idea what to do anymore.

as the threat title says, im 19 years old, a student about to finish my first year at uni. in a material sense, ive never suffered and have always been given everything i needed. however, ever since i can remember ive had to deal with my dads constant put-downs and taunts, while my mum just watches and does nothing. eventually i started to believe i really was a horrible, worthless person and combined with problems at school, i started to take out all my frustration and despair on myself, by self harming, and an eating disorder.

9 months ago it all came to a head and i attempted suicide. that was the kick up the backside that i needed to try and get myself better, which to an extent i have done.

part of my mission to recover was by taking control of my own life, starting by leaving uni. it was never my decision in the first place, my parents were very manipulative and forceful about it and not wanting to rock any boat, i just went with it. but its not for me and i want to leave.

i decided to tell my parents this a few days ago and all hell broke loose. i was told by my dad how ungrateful and useless i was, among other things. eventually i decided id heard enough of this, i was going to a friends place for the night to sort my head out and cool down a bit. and thats when it got ugly.

basically, i was physically prevented from leaving the house by my dad standing at the front door like a bouncer, daring me to even attempt to get past him. it might be worth mentioning that he's been physically violent towards me in the past so i became completely terrified, having panic attacks, shaking, crying. the manipulative person my dad is, started saying to my mum and sister, "look at him, he wants to leave so badly hes clearly on drugs" (IM NOT) and threatened to call a doctor and get me sectioned. this only made me worse. how can someone who is meant to love me, treat me this way?

what im basically trying to say is, my original plan was to leave uni, get a job, and stick at home until i find my feet and move out. but now, i just cant face being in my own home. im staying with a friend at her uni about 3 hours away from home right now but that cant last forever, and when i have to leave her place, i dont know what im going to do. the thought of going back home makes me physically ill, to the point where id rather sleep on the streets.

please dont anybody tell me to try and stick it out at home, i havent even began to mention everything ive been through and i cant put up with it for another second. i have nowhere else to go, and a friend of mine who lives in a neighbouring town was in a similar situation, and she walked out her home and now lives in one of the Foyer things for young people with home troubles. problem is, she was just under 18 when all this happened. im 19 now, legally an adult, so im not sure if that makes it any different for me. i havent got a penny to my name as im not in work, and i need help, i just dont know where to get it.

i really hope someone has some kind of advice that can help me sort my life out.

"as the threat title says, im 19 years old, a student about to finish my first year at uni"

It was the third line.

hearing that is so refreshing. for my whole life i believed i deserved this, i can be so difficult at times and ill admit that, and i thought everyone who was like me got treated the way i did. i was manipulated into believing that its fair enough.

but that day it all kicked off, when i couldnt leave my house, something just clicked, this didnt feel right anymore. none of it did.

i doubt my dads gonna knock me about again any time soon, but i know hes capable and thats enough. getting beaten down and trodden on like this, i wouldnt rule out suicide attempt #2 further down the line. id rather sleep on the streets and if i have to i will

it just isnt what i want to do, never was, didnt think i could handle it. as i said before i was heavily pressured into it. i thought id make the best of my situation, i gave it my absolute best and put all my effort in, but, the course im on would in theory be the best one for me if i didnt struggle massively. some people just arent intelligent enough for higher education in general, and ill hold my hand up and say that sadly, im not.

& yes in theory thats right, id be away from all my home problems, but lets face it, the vast majority of students that i know, still rely on their parents to some degree. and i cannot rely on mine anymore because i dont trust them

Sorry for all you've been through OP, you don't deserve to be treated that way.

But I've got to say, don't put yourself down so quickly no one is ever not intelligent enough for higher education working hard is entirely different from working smart and way less effective -(not trying to get into the intricacies of revision here but you should know that).

It might be the past emotional abuse by your father that's making you think you're not intelligent enough? If you want a good job of reasonable pay you need a degree, so please please don't give up on uni, it'll be worth it in the end.

What are you studying?, I'm sure there''ll be people on TSR who wouldn't hesitate to help you with whatever academic problems you have.Good luck.

But I've got to say, don't put yourself down so quickly no one is ever not intelligent enough for higher education working hard is entirely different from working smart and way less effective

i can see what everyones saying here in regard to the uni situation, and although i havent already quit; the stress ive been under lately means i havent revised basically a single bit for any of my exams so its likely i wont be let back in anyway.

this thread wasnt made about whether i should stay at uni or not, i had been indecisive about it in the past but now my situations changed like this, i really cant see it being feasible.

a good job with reasonable pay would be great dont get me wrong, but the bigger picture is, id rather be safe, with whatever job i can get, right now. Than, set myself up for my future when my present is unbearable and my near future is also likely to be that way.

as for where i live in England, im from Bristol, at uni in Cardiff, the vast majority of my friends live in Bath which is where ill be making my trip to the council tomorrow

just another up date....

im back home now. another row almost kicked off today, i prevented it by basically agreeing to everything both the parents said to me, and managed to admit to them how unlikely it is that im gonna be able to pass this first year at uni and carry on. and my mum in particular, suddenly went really supportive. said shed do whatever it takes to help me pass this course...

but earlier on i asked her how she can think that my dad smacking me in the head so hard that i fell off my chair and hit my head on the dining table (as he once did a while back) is in any way right. and she honestly said she cant remember it. i do. it happened to me.

the thing is, sometimes theyre just normal parents, generally alright but slightly on the annoying side like most young people find their parents. and then they can suddenly explain away stuff like when it all kicked off the other night and how they blocked me from leaving the house in the way that they did, and make it seem like i provoked it and it was the best thing for me. worst part is, i start to believe it. i really have no idea what im meant to do when my minds being messed around this much.
i met up with my auntie today before this most recent row and told her everything and what i planned to do, and she said she thought i was doing the right thing. but my heads been played with once again and im starting to doubt myself. is this kind of thing honestly what most people have to deal with or is this not right?

I completely sympathise. I am in my early 30s and only about to complete my degree next year due to similar problems at home back when I was your age. I completed my A-Levels at 18 but had to drop out of uni because my parents were pretty abusive emotionally and verbally. Like you I got everything I needed on a physical level but my self esteem was virtually non-existent and it's taken me this long to recover.
Now in my opinion, my friend, your challenge for this life is the development of self esteem, assertiveness and self care/love regardless of what abusive people try to do to you. Learning to deal with bullies will likely be a factor in your life as you go into the future as well. Your dad is a bully and what he says to you is more about him than you. Remember that as you go forward.
For now, your primary goal is to make it out of your parents' place alive without wrecking your future and your mental health.
For starters, I think it would be a good idea for you to finish your first year at uni and pass so that you can pick it up later on.
There are a number of options open to you. You could ask your tutors about finishing your degree part time. It may take a bit longer but it will mean that you can apply for housing benefit to get your own place, and I think you can go on the dole. You can't get JSA as a full time student. You could also see your GP and apply for ESA due to stress/mental health issues but Atos are making things very difficult at the moment for people already on it so you may find it hard to get it in the first place.
A similar option would be to complete your degree with the OU but it's very different to a normal uni and the grading is quite harsh for some reason. I'm strongly academic but found I had to work twice as hard to get a 2:1 with the OU as normal uni and have no idea why. It's part of the reason I'm at LJMU now.
Another option is to stay full time at uni, get your full student finance next year, use it to pay rent on a room and work part time while you study. Not ideal, but it would mean you could move out and you'd find your self esteem improves.
FIrst port of call needs to be your student welfare advice service. There is university counselling available too which means that if you choose to stay at home, you can learn to reframe your parents' attitude towards you and remember that your degree is your future. I wish I had access to counselling at the time for this - I might have stayed. Easier said than done when you are 14 years older and stronger though! You do get stronger btw - read books on self esteem and other personal development ones, they really do help. I recommend Gael Lindenfield to start with but go with the ones that speak to you. Look at books on bullying too as I get the feeling your dad won't be the last one to target you. Those of us who come from this sort of background tend to attract bullies in adult life.
So, first thing to do as I've said is make an appointment to see your student welfare people and explain your situation to them. General welfare rights advisors in your local area may be able to help too. Also consider seeing your GP and see if they can help you with treatment or counselling of some sort. You may need medication - I'm thinking you may be depressed as hell right now and you might need to retweak that brain chemistry! As well as those two things, start working on building your self esteem and awareness of bullies through self help books.
You are not to blame - this is your abusive dad's issue, not yours. Bullying is never about the target and even if you were a bit annoying, you do not deserve what is happening to you. You deserve to be treated with kindness, consideration and respect.
Much love xx

To the thread starter.
I am sorry to hear about what has been happening to you and from what you said i am guessing it has been happening for quite a long time for you to have now developed panic attacks.
I am 16 now and I was in a state last year, basically the same as you, however i didnt have tteh leagal rights to move out.
There are hostels you can be given if you want, just tell a place like connexions about ur problems and then they will help you out.
Let me tell you , speaking to someone would help, even if its those little things that P you off
Try speakign to ur mum about ur feeligns? Or ur siblings?
Tbh yeah try and get in contact with people who can help you
Just google it
I shall be checkign up on this thread to see how u are doing babe
Louise
x

How did you two manage to leave in the end?

This was posted from The Student Room's Android App on my GT-S5830

was just wondering if someone could please take the time to read this and give me some advice or help me out, i am literally at my wits end and have no idea what to do anymore.

as the threat title says, im 19 years old, a student about to finish my first year at uni. in a material sense, ive never suffered and have always been given everything i needed. however, ever since i can remember ive had to deal with my dads constant put-downs and taunts, while my mum just watches and does nothing. eventually i started to believe i really was a horrible, worthless person and combined with problems at school, i started to take out all my frustration and despair on myself, by self harming, and an eating disorder.

9 months ago it all came to a head and i attempted suicide. that was the kick up the backside that i needed to try and get myself better, which to an extent i have done.

part of my mission to recover was by taking control of my own life, starting by leaving uni. it was never my decision in the first place, my parents were very manipulative and forceful about it and not wanting to rock any boat, i just went with it. but its not for me and i want to leave.

i decided to tell my parents this a few days ago and all hell broke loose. i was told by my dad how ungrateful and useless i was, among other things. eventually i decided id heard enough of this, i was going to a friends place for the night to sort my head out and cool down a bit. and thats when it got ugly.

basically, i was physically prevented from leaving the house by my dad standing at the front door like a bouncer, daring me to even attempt to get past him. it might be worth mentioning that he's been physically violent towards me in the past so i became completely terrified, having panic attacks, shaking, crying. the manipulative person my dad is, started saying to my mum and sister, "look at him, he wants to leave so badly hes clearly on drugs" (IM NOT) and threatened to call a doctor and get me sectioned. this only made me worse. how can someone who is meant to love me, treat me this way?

what im basically trying to say is, my original plan was to leave uni, get a job, and stick at home until i find my feet and move out. but now, i just cant face being in my own home. im staying with a friend at her uni about 3 hours away from home right now but that cant last forever, and when i have to leave her place, i dont know what im going to do. the thought of going back home makes me physically ill, to the point where id rather sleep on the streets.

please dont anybody tell me to try and stick it out at home, i havent even began to mention everything ive been through and i cant put up with it for another second. i have nowhere else to go, and a friend of mine who lives in a neighbouring town was in a similar situation, and she walked out her home and now lives in one of the Foyer things for young people with home troubles. problem is, she was just under 18 when all this happened. im 19 now, legally an adult, so im not sure if that makes it any different for me. i havent got a penny to my name as im not in work, and i need help, i just dont know where to get it.

i really hope someone has some kind of advice that can help me sort my life out.

just another up date....

im back home now. another row almost kicked off today, i prevented it by basically agreeing to everything both the parents said to me, and managed to admit to them how unlikely it is that im gonna be able to pass this first year at uni and carry on. and my mum in particular, suddenly went really supportive. said shed do whatever it takes to help me pass this course...

but earlier on i asked her how she can think that my dad smacking me in the head so hard that i fell off my chair and hit my head on the dining table (as he once did a while back) is in any way right. and she honestly said she cant remember it. i do. it happened to me.

the thing is, sometimes theyre just normal parents, generally alright but slightly on the annoying side like most young people find their parents. and then they can suddenly explain away stuff like when it all kicked off the other night and how they blocked me from leaving the house in the way that they did, and make it seem like i provoked it and it was the best thing for me. worst part is, i start to believe it. i really have no idea what im meant to do when my minds being messed around this much.

i met up with my auntie today before this most recent row and told her everything and what i planned to do, and she said she thought i was doing the right thing. but my heads been played with once again and im starting to doubt myself. is this kind of thing honestly what most people have to deal with or is this not right?

Why dont u find a way to block out everything or do something that makes you proud?
xx

whatd make me proud is breaking away from this and taking care of myself, but it looks like thats gonna be a bit more difficult than i thought.
went down the council today, all they told me was what i already knew, all the places to look for, and there i was thinking they were gonna help me through what im meant to be doing etc. yeah i know im over 18 but it doesnt mean im automatically aware of this whole process.

on the plus side, i went round the shopping center and handed out a load of CV's, plenty of part time job vacancies going at the mo, i wouldve rather had full time but as people have said, i cant be picky. only issue now is finding somewhere cheap enough to live. i have a few mates who are looking to move out but not as urgently as me which is a bit of a problem.

i just feel as if i need to do this quickly before im manipulated once again until the thought leaves my mind.

p.s. thankyou for all the support in this. it seems to mean more coming from people ive never met before who arent biased one way or another.

p.p.s. the issue of me going back to uni has been put to bed now. im not going back. thanks for all the advice regarding that but its pretty much a given now.

just another up date....

im back home now. another row almost kicked off today, i prevented it by basically agreeing to everything both the parents said to me, and managed to admit to them how unlikely it is that im gonna be able to pass this first year at uni and carry on. and my mum in particular, suddenly went really supportive. said shed do whatever it takes to help me pass this course...

but earlier on i asked her how she can think that my dad smacking me in the head so hard that i fell off my chair and hit my head on the dining table (as he once did a while back) is in any way right. and she honestly said she cant remember it. i do. it happened to me.

the thing is, sometimes theyre just normal parents, generally alright but slightly on the annoying side like most young people find their parents. and then they can suddenly explain away stuff like when it all kicked off the other night and how they blocked me from leaving the house in the way that they did, and make it seem like i provoked it and it was the best thing for me. worst part is, i start to believe it. i really have no idea what im meant to do when my minds being messed around this much.

i met up with my auntie today before this most recent row and told her everything and what i planned to do, and she said she thought i was doing the right thing. but my heads been played with once again and im starting to doubt myself. is this kind of thing honestly what most people have to deal with or is this not right?