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Flattering or offensive?

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5150

So, hold on, if guys walking up to you and saying "hi" is offensive, how is anybody suppose to go out with anybody? Obviously there is a clear distinction between arse-pinching and merely being forward, but I get the impression from this thread that you girls would rather not be approached by any guys at all.

The distinction is very clear (from reading this thread). No one has expressed concerns about feeling offended if someone simply introduced themselves.

I think a lot of women feel wary of men approaching them as we wonder if this one will be yet another offensive bloke out to provoke a reaction. Funnily enough I think the disctinction is clear from the start, its just a bit annoying when some men feel as if they have a right to intrude into your personal space when it is being made quite obvious you do not appreciate it.

I've had the full spectrum of street harrassment; from the nice guys who try to start conversations to the odd ones who simply sit and stare at you for entire bus journeys, right through to the neanderthals tooting their van horns and the idiots shouting out abuse.

Non-offensive example = I've had a young man come upto me and my old school friend in a bar and ask if we wanted to join them. Now considering we were in the middle of a marathon girly catch-up conversation, and the fact that we both had boyfriends, we both politely declined. The guys were nice enough and gave us a smile on the way out. No problems there.

Mildly offensive = Now the guys who drive their cars along at walking pace deliberately in order to whistle and shout out compliments to me - embarrasses me but its not overly aggresive, so even though it makes me feel uncomfortable, ultimately I know that its not intended to harm. Whether you let this sort of thing bug you or not is entirely upto you.

The worst cases are when people get physical or start shouting utterly disgusting comments like 'hey guys, lets rape her!' This isn't from personal experience, just one story I read from this site:

http://www.anti-harassment.ik.com/

Here's some advice from the same site I think may be useful for some of you guys and gals. :smile:

I've highlighted bits I feel are most effective.

BASIC ADVICE*
If you are the victim of harassment, take the following steps:

Be safe
Safety is a priority. If you are in a situation in which you feel unsafe at all, remove yourself from it as quickly as possible.

If you feel safe enough to respond to your harasser, do the following:

1. Name the behaviour
For example, 'Do not slap my bottom. That is harassment' or 'Do not make suggestive remarks to me. That is harassment' or 'Do not comment on my body. That is harassment' or `Do not stare at me. That is harassment'. You can also simply say in a strong voice, 'Don't sexually harass women' or "Stop! that is sexual harassment."

2. Name the perpetrator
'You, the man in the blue pinstriped suit, remove your hand from my breast.' Or `You, the driver of the blue Polo, do not ogle my breasts'

3. Use strong body language
Look the harasser in the eye, speak in a strong, clear voice.

4. Do not apologise or ask a question
Don't say, 'Excuse me...' 'Would you...' 'Do you realise...' 'I'm sorry, but...' 'Please...'

5. Do not get into a dialogue with the harasser
Do not answer any of the harassers questions. Simply repeat your statement or leave.

So, for example,

What you should NOT do:
You say, `Do not shout out, "Nice ones" to me or any other woman. That is harassment'. He says, `Jeez, can't you take a compliment?' Don't say, `Yes, I can take a compliment, but that is not a compliment. That is harassment.' He will then counter with something like, `Well, you're crazy if you take it that way. I meant it as a compliment.' This allows him to justify his behaviour to you, himself and anyone else standing around.

What you should do:
When he says, `Jeez, can't you take a compliment?' Either leave the situation, having made your point, or repeat your statement, `Do not shout out, "Nice ones" to me or any other woman. That is harassment.' If he continues to try to engage you in a dialogue, either leave or keep repeating your statement.

6. Do not swear or lose your temper
For many harassers, the goal is to get a rise out of you, which is why they participate in this kind of behaviour. For them to see you getting angry or upset just encourages them to continue to
harass both you and other people. In addition, if a passer-by hears you shout out, `You f***ing arsehole' when they have seen or heard nothing the harasser has done, they will tend to think
you are the harasser. This, again, benefits the harasser, who can put on a `Can you believe this woman?' look. If you remain calm, it will be clear that you are the person being harassed and
the perpetrator is in the wrong. It will also take away the reward (upsetting you) for their action.

Reply 81

Agrippina

segat1

what i hate is when you are walking down the street on your own and people wolf whistle or yell suggestive comments out the window of the car - what do you expect us to do - run after your car saying "I love you I want you please come back and pick me up". Its horrible.

has anyone ever pulled after yellingout the window of the car at a pedestrian?

Yeah, I hate that - it's really intimidating and it makes me feel uncomfortable and embarrassed. I either ignore them or scowl at them!

Reply 82

lady

i hate it when lads/men do anything like this, it makes me feel really uncomfortable. unfortunatly i am, in general, a really friendly person and men often get the wrong impression. my boyfriend is mostly not jealous of lads that try to chat me up but sometimes i wish he'd be a little more protective and annoyed! but then again i suppose i'd also hate it if he were to go mad and be all chavish and want to have fights!
recently i've had some experiences with unwanted male attention and so have taken to changing my manner when im with any other men. i think its because i am a trusting person and don't think that any lads who know that i have a boyfriend, which they did, would try anything. unfortunatly i've learned that thats not always true.
xxx