Need to vent - boyfriend has started taking forever to reply.

I need to know whether I am over-reacting or not.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months - he did most of the chasing, wooing me with romantic dinners etc...one of the main things I liked about him was that he never kept me waiting. We'd converse back and forth easily and there were never games with him. He'd always make sure he had plans with me 2-3 times a week, and everything with him was a breath of fresh air!

But 6 months in, things started to wind down. He'd leave planning til the last minute, which really stressed me out at the time because all my assessments were due simulatenously/I was working while he had a more laid-back schedule. I spoke to him, explained how it made me feel, and he made more for an effort.

Another two months on the cracks are showing again. It started last week, when I was sick/bedridden...and contacted him just wanting a chat, but he didn't respond until the next day. I saw a few days after, and when together everything was great (no disconnect like I feel when apart).

-Next week is exam time; I'm obviously trying to stay calm (although not easy!) but what helps me do that is have things planed out: a good study schedule, plus knowing when I get to see my boyfriend and friends etc. Today I messaged him over 4 hours ago, and he has not replied about whether he can meet up tomorrow (though he knows I have stuff I have to do in uni as well for exams). Meanwhile, however, I noticed he's been on facebook, liking pictures and chatting to other people (and he's been doing this more and more lately). I feel like this is really rude, how should I handle this?

I used to think this was really immature, but some guys are just really bad at empathising, you can explain till your blue in the face about how the lack of contact makes you feel, but it sounds like he won't get it until you back of yourself. It may be tough, but honestly it will make him miss you and the contact will pick up. Then, you should talk to him, because honestly not letting you know he got home safe is not acceptable behaviour (in my books anyway). Just back off completely (no contact), and he'll start wondering why you aren't contacting him. Your exams are far more important than another inconsiderate guy!

I think it's sweet you care so much about your bf...but dude, you need to back off a bit. You're relying on your boyfriend waaay too much to fulfil your own happiness. If he can't be bothered to text you, then why should you make all the effort? It's funny he contacts you when he's got 'not much else to do' isn't it? Stop being needy, don't wait around for him to make plans. Go out and have fun with your friends. Make the most of your youth, don't waste it pining over bloody text messages. I used to be just like you when I was about 17. I hate to see others making the same mistakes I did

This is more practical than anything, but can't you just ring each other? I hate texting for actual conversation, you get so much more out of just a 5 minute phone call, then you wouldn't be sat around waiting, have a much better conversation and interaction, and can make your plans then..

Ha - after speaking to him and saying I'd phone him at some point today, I was busy revising all morning/early afternoon so he sent me a message when I hadn't called yet! Apparently he'd got a minor injury and had not much else to do other than sit around and wait for me to phone...

Hmmm, so how's it going now then?

Just reading this and I'd just like to point out that I'm lucky if I check my phone once in 4 hours (but then I only have a normal phone - like one that doesn't speak to me in Justin Bieber's voice or tell me what the weather is like in Nicaragua at the weekend - so don't use it for anything other than texting or making calls). I regularly take quite a while to respond to texts, simply because I've not seen them or when I do read them it's at an inconvenient time, I mean to text back later and forget.

Guys are inherently **** at constantly communicating their plans and actions (at least the majority I know are). I live with my girlfriend and the other week had the cold shoulder the next day because I went to a house party and she expected me to be back around midnight and I wasn't back until the following morning at 7am. Now the sensible thing to do, may have been to text my girlfriend to say not to wait up for me... but I don't always do sensible! Cue hysterical phone call at 6.30am when she wakes up "where are you? you're still at the party?! you do realise it's now almost 7 in the morning?! thanks for letting me know you weren't coming home last night!"

Anyway, I think you should cut him some slack... some guys are really bad at responding to texts, checking their phones etc. etc. - it's not because we don't care... we're just a bit useless!

The burden of "pursuing" is emotionally exhausting. If you'd ever done it, you'd know it.

The shine has worn off this relationship and yet you want the charge of his sparkly enthusiasm as if it were 8 months ago. He's trying to find a new, more sustainable mode in life, without demanding, obsessive girl txting, prompting, calling, IMing and FBing, all the time. He's actually making room in his longer-term life for you without the obsessive touches of the start.

As for you, you want the narcissistic thrill of knowing you eat up 30% or more of his total time and effort because his effort levels define your feminine worth.

No way, Josefina.

The relationship is "decaying" or "moving into a new phase" depending on your POV. He's more mature than you and your demands are the antithesis of what will be deliverable over a longer timeframe.

Fine, just now. Last time we spent time together he asked when he could see me again (he hadn't tried to make plans with me in advance for weeks)...and the next day I got a surprise text from him (when I was on a night out) asking how my day had been etc.

^ this is what he is usually like, but then goes through phases of being more distant. Last friday afternoon I contacted him, making general chit-chat and asking what he was upto that night - he didn't reply for a day or so and was really vague 'I wasn't upto much last night, no' - this is why I asked if he needed space - I get the impression he sometimes needs time to himself, but when I ask if he does, he says no! It happens without any real apparent reason/is very confusing at the time, then goes back to normal just as quickly

Right now I'm focusing on studying and am better for it.

I'm glad to hear that Hmmm, it's true that some people need space every now and again but it doesn't mean he has to be rude and completely blank you. I actually find the whole concept of not speaking everyday in a relationship bizarre (I mean what do people like that do when they're married and living together, give eachother the silent treament?) but hey I guess it might work for some people.

Thing is you're not comfortable with it and he does contact you enough sometimes. Inconsistancy is something that I personally wouldn't be able to deal with. I'd probabaly try and talk to him in a non attacky way, of just explaining that you feel confused and see what he has to say. A major red flag is if he deflects speaking about it/ says you're reading too much into things/ something along those lines.

At the same time, I would contact him less than he contacts you. It seems to be a common mentality of young guys that unless they're making the first move most the time they think their girlfriend is clingy.

I'm not inside your guys head so I can't say for sure, but my guess would be he really does like you, but he's not yet at that stage where he's sure that you're 'the one' so still pines for the 'freedom' of being single and when you contact him first because he's confused it'll have the effect of making him feel slightly smothered because it's clear how much you like him, so he's not afraid of losing you when he's rude. That's not to say you ARE smothering, guys minds are weird sometimes :P I wouldn't text him first more than twice a week for a while if I were you.

He probably feels under pressure from you as well, and is responding (not to well) by being a bit apathetic about it. I can do the same sometimes, and my girlfriend is similar on occasion. Maybe you can make some plans well in advance so you're not depending on his lacklustre texting enthusiasm. "We're going to dinner on Saturday and seeing the Avengers afterwards!"

Thanks for replying again!

Yeah, I agree and that's why I spoke to him. I'm not the sort of person that will put up with being blanked like that, no matter how much I care for the person.

This is really only the second time it's happened, but I think the first time it happened around the time the honeymoon period sort of ended. Like we were so absorbed in eachother, that he went back to being used to spending more time doing all the things he did before me - but to the extreme (in full single-mode), not finding the balance.

I haven't been contacting him like I would've before since then, I've just been getting on with things. Meanwhile, he's been the one initiating contact, and when I haven't heard from him, I haven't been anxious at all. So although he's going out with friends etc, he's not ignoring me!

What you said about possibly not thinking I'm 'the one'...I agree. I think that's the root of all this - he ignores me in a way I'd never ignore him, so it makes me think/scares me to consider that he doesn't feel as strongly as I do. I don't necessarily think he's the one yet either, but I do know that I love him and am feel loved/happy with him most of the time.