My girlfriend is on a low with her depression and said she want's to call it quits
GF was out with her friends last night. They came to see me for a drink then moved on to the next bar,her friend came up for a kiss so I gave her a quick 1 on the cheek, then my gf gave me a kiss and said I'll see you later then.
A few hours passed and I went to the bar they were at, she came to me and started chatting to me. She then went off back with her mates for about 1/2 hour then came back. We started talking and after a few minutes she started to cry, I tried to find out what was wrong but she didn't explain, her cousin came over and asked If i was being horrible to her, and she said no its the opposite, he's being too nice.
I then tried to talk to her more, trying to stop her crying and she just cried even more, she wouldn't let me touch her and told me to leave her alone. I finally managed to get her to come outside where it was quiet but she still didn't say what was wrong. She then got her coat to leave so I followed her out, I said enough is enough and demanded to know, She started saying about her mate Sam, how I shouldn't be with her but her friend instead, how all the guys go after her and that she is left on the sideline. I asked why she was saying this and she said it was the truth. She's not good enough for me and that I should be with someone like Sam instead, a girl who will be there for me when I need her and depend on me. I asked why she was saying all this, and she said its what everyone thinks, I'm an idiot for being with her. And when I asked if her friends have been saying that tonight she broke down again nodding her head. She said she doesn't ever want to lose me. I explained that after trying to get with my GF for a year before we made any progress surely that shows how much I like her, each time I say my feelings the further she backs away so I haven't even told her I love her incase she gets scared away.
After sitting on the side walk for an hour chatting we eventually joined her mates. She left me for about 40mins and I couldn't see where she was so I asked someone where she was and they said she went home 10 mins ago. So I sent her a text saying that I'm going home, I then got a text off her about an hour later saying "I cant cope, **** this I give it all up".
This morning I txt her asking if she was still coming over and she replied with No. I then asked if I'd done anything wrong and she said No. I then said "I don't know whats going on here, but I hope you sort it and feel better soon. She then replied "feel better soon? Im not ill u ****ing idiot. Im angry, upset and last night if I wasn't so drunk that I couldn't do any real damage then I'd be in A&E or dead"
After saying about how much I care and want her to be Ok, she just sent me a text saying "Leave.Go. Don't bother. I'm calling it quits" - I don't know if that was her way of breaking up with me.
I said I cant, I made that mistake before when I 1st met her and this type of thing happened. And I'll leave her be for now as obviously I'm making things worse, and maybe we can talk about this later.
I dont know what to do, I don't know if shell come round but I don't want to lose her again. 1st time she did this was after the 2nd date she told me to leave her alone, a few months later she said that it was the biggest mistake she's made.
She suffers from depression and has self harmed a fair few times when she was younger. So I can't just tell her as it is, especially after the texts she sent last night saying that she wants to end it all and she can't cope. I apologised to her for leaving and explained that I thought she went home before me so there was no point staying out, turns out she stayed till the end of the night. When I got those texts saying she can't cope, I got out of bed and started walking round town till 5:30 in the morning to find her in case she tried walking home.
Do I leave it for a few day's and see if she speaks to me 1st? Do I text her tomorrow and hope she's picked up a bit? What would you do? and please don't say dump her and forget about her as I can't do that, not until she makes me
A few hours passed and I went to the bar they were at, she came to me and started chatting to me. She then went off back with her mates for about 1/2 hour then came back. We started talking and after a few minutes she started to cry, I tried to find out what was wrong but she didn't explain, her cousin came over and asked If i was being horrible to her, and she said no its the opposite, he's being too nice.
I then tried to talk to her more, trying to stop her crying and she just cried even more, she wouldn't let me touch her and told me to leave her alone. I finally managed to get her to come outside where it was quiet but she still didn't say what was wrong. She then got her coat to leave so I followed her out, I said enough is enough and demanded to know, She started saying about her mate Sam, how I shouldn't be with her but her friend instead, how all the guys go after her and that she is left on the sideline. I asked why she was saying this and she said it was the truth. She's not good enough for me and that I should be with someone like Sam instead, a girl who will be there for me when I need her and depend on me. I asked why she was saying all this, and she said its what everyone thinks, I'm an idiot for being with her. And when I asked if her friends have been saying that tonight she broke down again nodding her head. She said she doesn't ever want to lose me. I explained that after trying to get with my GF for a year before we made any progress surely that shows how much I like her, each time I say my feelings the further she backs away so I haven't even told her I love her incase she gets scared away.
After sitting on the side walk for an hour chatting we eventually joined her mates. She left me for about 40mins and I couldn't see where she was so I asked someone where she was and they said she went home 10 mins ago. So I sent her a text saying that I'm going home, I then got a text off her about an hour later saying "I cant cope, **** this I give it all up".
This morning I txt her asking if she was still coming over and she replied with No. I then asked if I'd done anything wrong and she said No. I then said "I don't know whats going on here, but I hope you sort it and feel better soon. She then replied "feel better soon? Im not ill u ****ing idiot. Im angry, upset and last night if I wasn't so drunk that I couldn't do any real damage then I'd be in A&E or dead"
After saying about how much I care and want her to be Ok, she just sent me a text saying "Leave.Go. Don't bother. I'm calling it quits" - I don't know if that was her way of breaking up with me.
I said I cant, I made that mistake before when I 1st met her and this type of thing happened. And I'll leave her be for now as obviously I'm making things worse, and maybe we can talk about this later.
I dont know what to do, I don't know if shell come round but I don't want to lose her again. 1st time she did this was after the 2nd date she told me to leave her alone, a few months later she said that it was the biggest mistake she's made.
She suffers from depression and has self harmed a fair few times when she was younger. So I can't just tell her as it is, especially after the texts she sent last night saying that she wants to end it all and she can't cope. I apologised to her for leaving and explained that I thought she went home before me so there was no point staying out, turns out she stayed till the end of the night. When I got those texts saying she can't cope, I got out of bed and started walking round town till 5:30 in the morning to find her in case she tried walking home.
Do I leave it for a few day's and see if she speaks to me 1st? Do I text her tomorrow and hope she's picked up a bit? What would you do? and please don't say dump her and forget about her as I can't do that, not until she makes me
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Original post by PotPon
tl;dr
She obviously doesn't like you / think the relationship is going places.
She obviously doesn't like you / think the relationship is going places.
The fact that my mate started talking to her last night and she admitted to him that she loves me, but she can't let that show because she is expecting me to get up and run off with another girl as soon as one comes along. And she told me last night that she didn't want to lose me
I'd like to think this isn't true
Original post by OU Student
Leave it for a few days. Are her friends aware of any of this?
No, when I say friends they are work colleagues which put all their problems on her, as she always complains about having to get them out of the ****, and she can't do it anymore. I think this may be the problem she is down at the moment but she wont say
Original post by Danrm
The fact that my mate started talking to her last night and she admitted to him that she loves me, but she can't let that show because she is expecting me to get up and run off with another girl as soon as one comes along. And she told me last night that she didn't want to lose me
I'd like to think this isn't true
I'd like to think this isn't true
Your girl has some serious self esteem issues. I do not envy you having to deal with this, nor do I have much advice I can give.
All I can say is good luck. I hope you can find a way of helping her to value her own self.
Original post by 2ndClass
1) completely out of order for her to leave you there for 40 mins without telling you she went home
2) unwarranted rudeness in her replies to you
It's one thing to be depressed but she's being obnoxious tbh. Leave her for a few days and wait for her to apologize.
2) unwarranted rudeness in her replies to you
It's one thing to be depressed but she's being obnoxious tbh. Leave her for a few days and wait for her to apologize.
I think he's saying that she was still there and he left her because someone misinformed him that she'd left when she hadn't?
OP - She was rude but probably because she wanted to distance herself from you and maybe for you to stop trying to get into contact with her. Irrational maybe but I don't think it was heartfelt. Unless you really fear that she is going to hurt herself (in which case I'd call someone - a family member or close friend to go and check up on her as I don't think she wants you to see her like this). Wait a couple of days and then try and arrange a talk. It seems like you both care for each other and this is just one of those things you need to overcome. As someone who suffers from depression, it's always the people you care about that push away the most...it's not right but it's just instinctive and hopefully she'll be able to see clearly after a few days apart. Good luck
Original post by 2ndClass
1) completely out of order for her to leave you there for 40 mins without telling you she went home
2) unwarranted rudeness in her replies to you
It's one thing to be depressed but she's being obnoxious tbh. Leave her for a few days and wait for her to apologize.
2) unwarranted rudeness in her replies to you
It's one thing to be depressed but she's being obnoxious tbh. Leave her for a few days and wait for her to apologize.
She didn't go home when she left me waiting, she went off to dance with her friends as she normally does, but this time my mate saw her sat down crying so he took her outside and asked what was up, He says he can't remember th eexact details of the convo but basically that I'm too good for her. I went thinking she had gone, but she hadn't she was talking in the toilets which was why I thought she was pissed off with me for me leaving her there.
My mate said today (she tells him quite a lot) after reading my texts to her, either something big has happened to her that is pushing her over the edge, or that she is actually falling for me big time and is trying to push me away. Which could be a valid point as she has done many times, just not to this extent.
His advice was to text her tomorrow and just act normal asking if she wants to come over one night and hope she's calmed down. We both know that when this happened the 1st time round it took her 3 months to swallow her pride and apologise, saying that she regretted it ever since. And that she even wrote the texts out on a few occasions but never had the guts to send it
(edited 11 years ago)
Original post by belligerent ghoul
I think he's saying that she was still there and he left her because someone misinformed him that she'd left when she hadn't?
OP - She was rude but probably because she wanted to distance herself from you and maybe for you to stop trying to get into contact with her. Irrational maybe but I don't think it was heartfelt. Unless you really fear that she is going to hurt herself (in which case I'd call someone - a family member or close friend to go and check up on her as I don't think she wants you to see her like this). Wait a couple of days and then try and arrange a talk. It seems like you both care for each other and this is just one of those things you need to overcome. As someone who suffers from depression, it's always the people you care about that push away the most...it's not right but it's just instinctive and hopefully she'll be able to see clearly after a few days apart. Good luck
OP - She was rude but probably because she wanted to distance herself from you and maybe for you to stop trying to get into contact with her. Irrational maybe but I don't think it was heartfelt. Unless you really fear that she is going to hurt herself (in which case I'd call someone - a family member or close friend to go and check up on her as I don't think she wants you to see her like this). Wait a couple of days and then try and arrange a talk. It seems like you both care for each other and this is just one of those things you need to overcome. As someone who suffers from depression, it's always the people you care about that push away the most...it's not right but it's just instinctive and hopefully she'll be able to see clearly after a few days apart. Good luck
Thank you, you've pretty much summed it up for me, she has always pushed me away each time I try and get close to her. The time before this she broke down in front of me because of her Dad being a prick, she told me to go home and leave her alone which put me in a situation of leaving her in that state or risking making it worse by insisting I stay. With my own problems going on it's just hard at the moment for me to keep trying in the hope that she see's that I am genuine and that I'm not going to run off with another girl. I would tell her my true feelings (that I actually love her) but based on how she is, she gets scared and I think this will scare her right off and push me away more. She cries every time I tell her that I'm not going any where, and that It'll take a lot for me to think otherwise, when she asks why I still bother with her. I just can't understand how last night she was saying she doesn't want to lose me along with saying the same on nights when she comes over to watch a film but act like this today.
I don't know if deep down she knows full well
Would you say tomorrow would be too soon to talk to her? As I normally text her on a Monday to arrange when she's free to come over. But I hope she doesn't do the same as today and say she just says no
I think you should wait a few days, or even a week, in this case you're supposed to text her first, but you better not ask her if she feels any better, just talk with her, if you see that she's comfortable again, ask her what she meant with the quits, then you will see whats going on. If she responds something like MOST of depressed people say "You're too nice for me" just tell her that you love her and you want to be with her, better not go for "Stop talking ****" That was my mistake when I talked with my friend. We had almost the same problem like you two have now. A friendly talk will sort it out. 
Good luck and hope you both figure things out and none of you get hurt
Good luck and hope you both figure things out and none of you get hurt
Original post by Danrm
Thank you, you've pretty much summed it up for me, she has always pushed me away each time I try and get close to her. The time before this she broke down in front of me because of her Dad being a prick, she told me to go home and leave her alone which put me in a situation of leaving her in that state or risking making it worse by insisting I stay. With my own problems going on it's just hard at the moment for me to keep trying in the hope that she see's that I am genuine and that I'm not going to run off with another girl. I would tell her my true feelings (that I actually love her) but based on how she is, she gets scared and I think this will scare her right off and push me away more. She cries every time I tell her that I'm not going any where, and that It'll take a lot for me to think otherwise, when she asks why I still bother with her. I just can't understand how last night she was saying she doesn't want to lose me along with saying the same on nights when she comes over to watch a film but act like this today.
I don't know if deep down she knows full well
Would you say tomorrow would be too soon to talk to her? As I normally text her on a Monday to arrange when she's free to come over. But I hope she doesn't do the same as today and say she just says no
I don't know if deep down she knows full well
Would you say tomorrow would be too soon to talk to her? As I normally text her on a Monday to arrange when she's free to come over. But I hope she doesn't do the same as today and say she just says no
Personally I'd give her one full day to clear her head and wait until Tuesday, if that's possible.
I think the only thing you can do in this kind of situation is persevere. Her insecurities are probably very deeply rooted and the only way you'll be able to get past that is to SHOW her that they are unfounded. Words won't do the job. It sounds like you've been doing this so far, but it will probably take a while for her to trust you. I think it can be done though. It's going to be hard at times and many people would bow out now. Hope it all works out for both of you though
Original post by Danrm
x
A big factor in this is likely to be alcohol. I know you talked to her the day after, but I often find alcohol depression lasting well into the next day/beyond depending how tired I am and if I manage to catch up on sleep. She may come out of the rut naturally once the effects of the alcohol and lack of sleep have worn off.
If this doesn't happen, don't let her push you away as it sounds like it is the depression driving this. My boyfriend used to do this when he worked himself into a state with his depression, and the key thing is to show you are there for them and to get them help. You need to make sure she has your support and get her to a doctor and counselling.
Original post by belligerent ghoul
Personally I'd give her one full day to clear her head and wait until Tuesday, if that's possible.
I think the only thing you can do in this kind of situation is persevere. Her insecurities are probably very deeply rooted and the only way you'll be able to get past that is to SHOW her that they are unfounded. Words won't do the job. It sounds like you've been doing this so far, but it will probably take a while for her to trust you. I think it can be done though. It's going to be hard at times and many people would bow out now. Hope it all works out for both of you though
I think the only thing you can do in this kind of situation is persevere. Her insecurities are probably very deeply rooted and the only way you'll be able to get past that is to SHOW her that they are unfounded. Words won't do the job. It sounds like you've been doing this so far, but it will probably take a while for her to trust you. I think it can be done though. It's going to be hard at times and many people would bow out now. Hope it all works out for both of you though
Ok i'll leave it till Tuesday, any suggestions on what to say when I do text her? as she never responds to me asking how she is.
I'm just completely lost right now, this is the 1st relationship I've had in 5 years and it's not the best circumstances to learn everything with and to know what to do
Original post by redferry
A big factor in this is likely to be alcohol. I know you talked to her the day after, but I often find alcohol depression lasting well into the next day/beyond depending how tired I am and if I manage to catch up on sleep. She may come out of the rut naturally once the effects of the alcohol and lack of sleep have worn off.
If this doesn't happen, don't let her push you away as it sounds like it is the depression driving this. My boyfriend used to do this when he worked himself into a state with his depression, and the key thing is to show you are there for them and to get them help. You need to make sure she has your support and get her to a doctor and counselling.
If this doesn't happen, don't let her push you away as it sounds like it is the depression driving this. My boyfriend used to do this when he worked himself into a state with his depression, and the key thing is to show you are there for them and to get them help. You need to make sure she has your support and get her to a doctor and counselling.
It could well be from the alcohol as last night she was the drunkest I've seen her in a long time, to a point where I carried her. She has been a bitch in the mornings after a night out before so maybe. I just hope she doesn't feel guilty as such and still pushes me away now that she has a good foundation to do so, in order to save this happening again
Original post by Danrm
It could well be from the alcohol as last night she was the drunkest I've seen her in a long time, to a point where I carried her. She has been a bitch in the mornings after a night out before so maybe. I just hope she doesn't feel guilty as such and still pushes me away now that she has a good foundation to do so, in order to save this happening again
Yeah I get horrible alcohol depression after nights like that often.
You can only try your best. I really would try and get her professional help though. I have been through similar irrational behaviour with my boyfriend and getting help is honestly the best way to proceed.
Its pretty obvious whats going on.
She's got her eye on someone else and she's trying to make it look like your fault.
Seen this numerous times.
Always the same.
Typical scenario.
Don't believe me if you don't want to. It might be hard to swallow.
The stronger you don't believe this the better her performance was.
She's got her eye on someone else and she's trying to make it look like your fault.
Seen this numerous times.
Always the same.
Typical scenario.
Don't believe me if you don't want to. It might be hard to swallow.
The stronger you don't believe this the better her performance was.
Original post by Danrm
Ok i'll leave it till Tuesday, any suggestions on what to say when I do text her? as she never responds to me asking how she is.
I'm just completely lost right now, this is the 1st relationship I've had in 5 years and it's not the best circumstances to learn everything with and to know what to do
I'm just completely lost right now, this is the 1st relationship I've had in 5 years and it's not the best circumstances to learn everything with and to know what to do
Don't ask her how she is because if she's feeling anything other than fine she might feel like she's being a disappointment/putting a downer on you if she tells the truth, which might be why she doesn't reply. I'd just go straight out and ask her if you can meet up for a chat, but be nice about it so she doesn't assume it's going to be to break up or something. Just keep it simple and don't come on too strongly or too aloof.
This must be really hard but hopefully it will strengthen your relationship in the end. Sometimes you just have to play it by ear...there isn't really a correct way to react to stuff like this, you just need to try and understand. Maybe read a little about depression/self-esteem issues. That's the best anyone can do and it seems like you're already doing it so just hang in there!
Original post by belligerent ghoul
Don't ask her how she is because if she's feeling anything other than fine she might feel like she's being a disappointment/putting a downer on you if she tells the truth, which might be why she doesn't reply. I'd just go straight out and ask her if you can meet up for a chat, but be nice about it so she doesn't assume it's going to be to break up or something. Just keep it simple and don't come on too strongly or too aloof.
This must be really hard but hopefully it will strengthen your relationship in the end. Sometimes you just have to play it by ear...there isn't really a correct way to react to stuff like this, you just need to try and understand. Maybe read a little about depression/self-esteem issues. That's the best anyone can do and it seems like you're already doing it so just hang in there!
This must be really hard but hopefully it will strengthen your relationship in the end. Sometimes you just have to play it by ear...there isn't really a correct way to react to stuff like this, you just need to try and understand. Maybe read a little about depression/self-esteem issues. That's the best anyone can do and it seems like you're already doing it so just hang in there!
Just like to say thanks for your help, she text me the other night saying "so are we going to go our separate ways?" so I managed to get her to meet me yesterday, expecting for the break up talk but went for a good walk round some woods and got the little girl side of her to show, had a bit of a chat about everything and I basically said to her that I know that I can keep telling her that I'll be there for her and she wont believe me, so if she gives me the chance I'll prove it to her. She cried a fair bit and said she never wanted to break up, she was just offering me a way out. And that she thought she had pushed me away and lost me, saying thats one thing she hopes never happens.
Ended with her inviting me to go out for dinner with her and her little sister and cousin last night, which to be fair is a massive step forward as she never let anyone get involved with her sister. She thanked me after for a lovely day and said that she's been upset all week, yet one day with me and everything seemed to just disappear.
I think she has finally started to realise that I'm in this for real and that I will actually be there for her no matter what she throws at me.
Cheers
Original post by 2ndClass
1) completely out of order for her to leave you there for 40 mins without telling you she went home
2) unwarranted rudeness in her replies to you
It's one thing to be depressed but she's being obnoxious tbh. Leave her for a few days and wait for her to apologize.
2) unwarranted rudeness in her replies to you
It's one thing to be depressed but she's being obnoxious tbh. Leave her for a few days and wait for her to apologize.
This. Depression is one thing but you can't fix her, and she was being pretty out of order.
It might not be rational but she has determined to sabotage the relationship and push you away, what can you do? Every sincere attempt on your part just convinces her more that you're going to bail.
I'd suggest letting her know calmly you like her and want to be with her but will give her space if she wants it, and suggest she see her doctor, if depression is making her act that stupid she needs help. (Don't tell her she's being stupid).
I don't know if it's proper depression or just crippling self-esteem issues but a doctor referral to a counsellor can help her figure her **** out and put it behind her.
She basically blew up over a kiss on the cheek, she is definitely not well up stairs.
Edit: Even if it seems hunky dory now, still I think she needs to talk to someone and get help with her self-esteem issues.
That or she is just some random massive drama queen which isn't ideal.
(edited 11 years ago)
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