I completely messed up.

will he ever be back

Nope, he said to my friend he wouldn't be coming back.

I know it sounds strange, but I feel like I'm kind of in love with him........

Good guys finish last, heard of that sayian?

in which case, it probably is best that it ended like this. at the end of the day, otherwise you'd have to deal with a long term relationship of which you would be uncertain if he'd ever stay permanently with you

It just really hurts though

I can't help thinking that this is probably how he felt when I distanced myself.

Karma

This will be long, please keep anonymous.

There's this guy who I got kind of close to at University, It was off putting to me when he expressed quite strong feelings for me really early on. He would text me really long messages telling me he loved me and thinks that I am an amazing person and all this stuff. I didn't feel the same way and I told him this, I then distanced myself from him as I didn't want to hurt him or lead him on.

We stayed friends and I gradually realised over time that there is something there and I do like him as more than a friend. At the time he was having 'fun' and getting to know other girls and seemed like he was pretty much over me. So I left it.

He is an international student from Canada in the UK and I found out today that he's leaving and going back to Canada due to family problems.

I feel really awful about it, he's probably already left by now and is on a plane.

What upsets me even more is that I now know that he was actually being genuine when he said he thinks I'm an amazing person and that he really does like me. As my friend he spoke to and told he was leaving said he said to her I am an ''amazing girl'', she said he didn't have a bad word to say about me .

Why can't I just give somebody a chance? I seem to runaway from people who are actually so lovely and so genuine. We maybe could have had something really good and me being the idiot I am, I end up putting up walls and pushing people away.

I feel like I could actually cry right now.

Nope, he said to my friend he wouldn't be coming back.

I know it sounds strange, but I feel like I'm kind of in love with him........

oh wow... now that is kinda deep distancing yourself.

when you say distance, what do you mean, like you just didn't talk to him as much?

This will be long, please keep anonymous.

1. There's this guy who I got kind of close to at University, It was off putting to me when he expressed quite strong feelings for me really early on.

2. I seem to runaway from people who are actually so lovely and so genuine. We maybe could have had something really good and me being the idiot I am, I end up putting up walls and pushing people away.

Yes, I think maybe I was influenced by people around me to (not saying that it's their fault, it's entirely mine). I did tell them about it and they said if I really do not feel the same way, I need to be kind of blunt about it and not show any interest on a sexual level? or a flirtatious one.

So I would be kind of blunt with him and I'd stop putting x's at the end of my texts and all types of strange stuff.

I could kick myself, honestly.

Why was it offputting? Really think about this...you don't have to tell me.
Also, it's good you admit you do the latter in the quote
but now's the time (if you feel like crying) to fix the wrong, not just say the wrong.

Because I feel like there's all these expectations I have to live up to and I would fail, this person only see's what I show them and they don't know the whole me and the whole me isn't nice. I feel if someone actually loves me and invests their feelings in me, in the end I would them down and hurt them even more than I have done just by distancing myself.

The person people see is maybe not who I really am deep down?

How do I fix the wrong?

Well 1st off, your major wrong seems to be downing yourself. There's being honest & taking responsibility and then there's beating yourself up. Don't do that . Also, why do you think you would fail. Quit that. If you think you can be a good friend, son/daughter, and lover, then you'll commit to making that as true as possible. Same if you think negatively. You say "what people see." Is what you wrote what people see and what they tell you, or is it something else?

Yes, I do beat myself up a lot, I'm doing it right now. I always think that if I had done something different or acted in a different way then things maybe wouldn't have got so bad or turned out the way they did.

I'm not quite sure what your last sentence means?

Because I feel like there's all these expectations I have to live up to and I would fail, this person only see's what I show them and they don't know the whole me and the whole me isn't nice. I feel if someone actually loves me and invests their feelings in me, in the end I would them down and hurt them even more than I have done just by distancing myself.

The person people see is maybe not who I really am deep down?

How do I fix the wrong?

I knew I should've elaborated but didn't want to overload.

I meant: you say you are going to fail them and all that.
Is that what you say or what people say they think about you? Just wondering because your last sentence said: maybe I am not who I seem. So if people say you are going to fail them and you say you are not what you seem, that's a good thing and you should bring that out.

If people say you are a good person and you feel you will fail them, then...well...