Emotionally Abusive Family, Mental Issues, Need Support... Please Help

I'm 21, and my family has been abusive towards me ever since I've grown up. My dad used to be physically abusive (though my mum divorced him when I was at uni, and doesn't see him any more), and my mum and elder siblings have always been extremely emotionally abusive too - putting me down, making me the family "scapegoat," you name it. I wasn't allowed any friends before uni either (strict Muslim family).

I ended up having to leave uni after a few years, as I had severe depression once I got there, counsellors and whatnot were unsupportive (one counsellor even sent a letter intended for me to my home address, which meant that I had to lie and bluff to my abusive family after they opened it and very nearly got into trouble, despite me asking her only to send stuff to the term time one for good reason!), and I was bullied by my flatmates and struggled to even pass though I had gotten great grades in my A-levels. I could potentially go back, but it would mean another year, taking some resits and a ton of negotiation because my grades there were awful.

So, right now, I'm stuck at home, even more severely depressed now that my family emotionally abuse me every day (even if I do something like eat something in the fridge without asking for permission, I'm told off like a 3-year-old for 5 minutes and called "selfish" and every name under the sun). They don't know that I dropped out, I told them I graduated as otherwise I'm scared of the consequences.

I'm looking for work and am on JSA, but though I have a bit of past experience it's not much and I may have to volunteer or something before being considered for a job. Due to being forbidden friends before uni/depression during it I have literally no friends I can stay with, which means I need to start earning money before I can move out. But it's really difficult to get through day to day life with the constant emotional abuse at home. It's at the point where I am scared to be at home and my depression has gotten even worse. I'm not sure if I have PTSD, I get apprehensive every time a family member speaks to me as 75% of the time they will be trying to emotionally hurt me in some way.

Please help. Can I claim Housing Benefit in my situation and move out? Are there any free helplines (I can barely afford credit for my phone, and am hanging onto what meagre savings I have just in case I have to leave home suddenly) I can call or people I can speak to about this?

Reply 1

Anonymous #2

Hi, I can't really offer much help here really as I am not very knowledgeable about a lot of the stuff you have talked about but some general advice I would give you is that you should try and do something to get your self confidence up a little and out the house.
How about some volunteering? Even in somewhere like a charity shop? It is good experience and it will get you out the house and away from your family.
Also why don't you have a look at courses at your local college like even an evening class or something to get yourself feeling like you have a purpose again as this sort of abuse can really leave you feeling worthless and alone.
There will be hundreds of other people who feel isolated just like you remember you won't be alone in this. Just try get yourself feeling better, even if you can't face university again. University accepts people of all ages so don't worry if it takes you a few years to get back into the system.
Also is it possible to go to the doctors for your depression? They could maybe offer you some therapy?
Hope things start looking up for you soon xx

Reply 2

Little Old Me

13

Hi, I'm sorry to hear you're going through a difficult time. I can sort of relate - I live with my Dad and Brother. I'm not close to my Dad, to the point where he is abroad at the moment and I'm glad. I know that sounds bad but that's just how it is. My Brother is emotionally abusive towards me, says I'm "So stupid"and not long ago shouted that I'm a "Useless Bitch". I wish I could offer a solution to you but from experience what I can suggest is avoiding your family as much as you can, if you can. Like, sit in a different room. I have spoken up but it just carries on after a while. While I was looking for a job, I volunteered in a charity shop, it's a good way to meet people and boost your confidence. Also it's never too late to go back to uni so try if you can. Go to your GP about your Depression for support, don't bottle it up. Hope this helps. Sorry I can't help you any further x

Reply 3

cakecake

2

Original post by Anonymous

I'm 21, and my family has been abusive towards me ever since I've grown up. My dad used to be physically abusive (though my mum divorced him when I was at uni, and doesn't see him any more), and my mum and elder siblings have always been extremely emotionally abusive too - putting me down, making me the family "scapegoat," you name it. I wasn't allowed any friends before uni either (strict Muslim family).

I ended up having to leave uni after a few years, as I had severe depression once I got there, counsellors and whatnot were unsupportive (one counsellor even sent a letter intended for me to my home address, which meant that I had to lie and bluff to my abusive family after they opened it and very nearly got into trouble, despite me asking her only to send stuff to the term time one for good reason!), and I was bullied by my flatmates and struggled to even pass though I had gotten great grades in my A-levels. I could potentially go back, but it would mean another year, taking some resits and a ton of negotiation because my grades there were awful.

So, right now, I'm stuck at home, even more severely depressed now that my family emotionally abuse me every day (even if I do something like eat something in the fridge without asking for permission, I'm told off like a 3-year-old for 5 minutes and called "selfish" and every name under the sun). They don't know that I dropped out, I told them I graduated as otherwise I'm scared of the consequences.

I'm looking for work and am on JSA, but though I have a bit of past experience it's not much and I may have to volunteer or something before being considered for a job. Due to being forbidden friends before uni/depression during it I have literally no friends I can stay with, which means I need to start earning money before I can move out. But it's really difficult to get through day to day life with the constant emotional abuse at home. It's at the point where I am scared to be at home and my depression has gotten even worse. I'm not sure if I have PTSD, I get apprehensive every time a family member speaks to me as 75% of the time they will be trying to emotionally hurt me in some way.

Please help. Can I claim Housing Benefit in my situation and move out? Are there any free helplines (I can barely afford credit for my phone, and am hanging onto what meagre savings I have just in case I have to leave home suddenly) I can call or people I can speak to about this?

Awww bless you, I feel your pain. My advice to you, as much as you may think urghhhh whatever it wont work etc. is that you do NOT beat yourself up or put yourself down. Others may bully you verbally but thats due to their ignorance. I am sure you are a warm, loving sweet person and you MUST believe that. I say this because I had to have some therapy due to low self esteem and all the literature I have found thus far say the same. and Ive realised that its true. dont let careless words get you down. People arent alway nice even your own flesh and blood.

(I am also from a muslim family so know what it can be like emotional drama etc) im happy to talk to you if you need some moral support or just to vent. PM me if you wish, x x

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by Anonymous

Hi, I can't really offer much help here really as I am not very knowledgeable about a lot of the stuff you have talked about but some general advice I would give you is that you should try and do something to get your self confidence up a little and out the house.
How about some volunteering? Even in somewhere like a charity shop? It is good experience and it will get you out the house and away from your family.
Also why don't you have a look at courses at your local college like even an evening class or something to get yourself feeling like you have a purpose again as this sort of abuse can really leave you feeling worthless and alone.
There will be hundreds of other people who feel isolated just like you remember you won't be alone in this. Just try get yourself feeling better, even if you can't face university again. University accepts people of all ages so don't worry if it takes you a few years to get back into the system.
Also is it possible to go to the doctors for your depression? They could maybe offer you some therapy?
Hope things start looking up for you soon xx

Thank you

I'm looking at volunteering in the area, and language courses, actually - they could add something to my CV though I'd rather find a job if possible as I can't move out with no money.

I spend most of my time at the library, but it's the time at home in which they take turns having a go at me. I really don't want to have to spend any time there TBH, it isn't even home. I would do anything to move out.

That's true thanks :smile:

I've been to my GP but they don't really help at all.

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by Little Old Me

Hi, I'm sorry to hear you're going through a difficult time. I can sort of relate - I live with my Dad and Brother. I'm not close to my Dad, to the point where he is abroad at the moment and I'm glad. I know that sounds bad but that's just how it is. My Brother is emotionally abusive towards me, says I'm "So stupid"and not long ago shouted that I'm a "Useless Bitch". I wish I could offer a solution to you but from experience what I can suggest is avoiding your family as much as you can, if you can. Like, sit in a different room. I have spoken up but it just carries on after a while. While I was looking for a job, I volunteered in a charity shop, it's a good way to meet people and boost your confidence. Also it's never too late to go back to uni so try if you can. Go to your GP about your Depression for support, don't bottle it up. Hope this helps. Sorry I can't help you any further x

Thanks hun :smile:

Sorry to hear about your situation too x. I'll try to avoid them as much as possible, that is actually great advice. It's just for a few hours in the evenings, apart from on weekends (they actually come to my room and tell me off if I'm alone there on my own) but it's awful.

I will try yeah, I'm doing some more A-levels over the next two years.

I've spoken to my GP but they haven't really listened much :frown:

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by cakecake

Awww bless you, I feel your pain. My advice to you, as much as you may think urghhhh whatever it wont work etc. is that you do NOT beat yourself up or put yourself down. Others may bully you verbally but thats due to their ignorance. I am sure you are a warm, loving sweet person and you MUST believe that. I say this because I had to have some therapy due to low self esteem and all the literature I have found thus far say the same. and Ive realised that its true. dont let careless words get you down. People arent alway nice even your own flesh and blood.

(I am also from a muslim family so know what it can be like emotional drama etc) im happy to talk to you if you need some moral support or just to vent. PM me if you wish, x x

Thank you so much :smile:

What books on this have you found helpful? I might do that as well as trying to find a therapist/some kind of outside support. Else it's just exhausting.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation too :frown:

Reply 7

cakecake

2

I have been having CBT sessions for the past 2 years (rather expensive so if you can ask your GP to refer you then do so!) which has helped quite a bit and when i say literature I mean things i have found online etc and a book by Christopher Fairburn about overeating (this issue relates to me as i used to use food to console me when i felt down due to family problems etc) - but i appreciate this may not relate to your issues.
but stay with me- its about thinking positive and understanding that its not you are not at fault, you cant help the actions of others.

the overall approach is called "the compassionate mind approach". I think this would help you with your lack of confidence because it teaches you to be kind to yourself and get rid of your negative thinking which is hard, I know, but if you can start to like yourself as a person and not let other peoples negativity get to you then that is half the battle. You are not a bad person and you do NOT deserve to be put down etc so you gotta try and believe it

another tip I have which you might find a bit difficult at the beginning is that you have to write a positive thing about yourself or something good that happened to you, basically something positive. EACH DAY- one thing. - whenever you feel lousy then go back and read your positive thoughts. Ive started doing this recently and its perked me up a little. :console: