At what point do you give up?
I am almost 2 years through a 5year degree and am the only person in the course not straight from school. Unsurprisingly I find it hard to relate to 19/20 year olds when I am in my mid 30s and don't get a chance to meet anyone else as we all do the same subjects. There are no clubs that interest me (all aimed at younger people or else involve sport) and besides I just want to get home at the end of the day as I have a big commute. I literally study all the time (weekends, evenings, the lot) and as a result we have no family time and partner is fed up with me constantly being stressed and unhappy. A lot of our course is groupwork and I am always left without a partner and dumped in a group with random people who leave me out. I am now worried about the practical exams as I haven't had a chance to do a lot of the work and I don't have anyone I can get to work with me outside of class. I am really at the point of wondering if it is worth carrying on, especially as the group aspect only gets worse and I am sick of working soooo hard and only just passing. Have talked to study skills people and I'm not doing anything wrong, its just a really hard course with a lot of content and being older it takes longer to pick up and retain material. Have also tried to talk to teaching staff and they weren't helpful or interested. Really don't think I can take another 3 years of this!
(edited 9 years ago)
You can do It, just remember why you are doing It and after you have finished your course you don't ever have to see any of those people again If you don't want to.
It's always going to be difficult as a mature student and there Is a lot more pressure with your home life as well but all will be worth while when you have finished your degree and are In the career of your choice.
Don't panic, stay calm and keep going and try not to be too much of a grumpy cat
It's always going to be difficult as a mature student and there Is a lot more pressure with your home life as well but all will be worth while when you have finished your degree and are In the career of your choice.
Don't panic, stay calm and keep going and try not to be too much of a grumpy cat
What course do you study?
Degrees dont tend to get easier. From my experience, each year is significantly harder than the previous. Every exam period I would tell myself that there was no possible way I could work any harder. Then 12 months on when going through the same thing, I would look back and realise how much easier the previous year was. It never seems to get easier.
As for group work, I'd say you need to really make an effort to get involved. What is more likely - the people you work with decide they want to do ALL of the work themselves and let you have a free ride, or you aren't involving yourself enough? Ive certainly never been in a group project where we have purposely left someone out so we can all do extra work.
Maybe medical experts will tell me otherwise, but I dont think you can blame an inability to learn as quickly on being mid thirties as opposed to being 20. If you were in your 70's then perhaps thats a valid excuse, but I find it very difficult to believe that by mid-thirties your learning capacity is seriously diminished. Your social/life circumstances may be quite different to an average 20 year old student, and that can certainly affect how much work you can do, but these are the decisions that are made when deciding to return to education later in life.
Basically - it isn't going to get any easier, and only you can sort it out for yourself rather than blaming others.
Degrees dont tend to get easier. From my experience, each year is significantly harder than the previous. Every exam period I would tell myself that there was no possible way I could work any harder. Then 12 months on when going through the same thing, I would look back and realise how much easier the previous year was. It never seems to get easier.
As for group work, I'd say you need to really make an effort to get involved. What is more likely - the people you work with decide they want to do ALL of the work themselves and let you have a free ride, or you aren't involving yourself enough? Ive certainly never been in a group project where we have purposely left someone out so we can all do extra work.
Maybe medical experts will tell me otherwise, but I dont think you can blame an inability to learn as quickly on being mid thirties as opposed to being 20. If you were in your 70's then perhaps thats a valid excuse, but I find it very difficult to believe that by mid-thirties your learning capacity is seriously diminished. Your social/life circumstances may be quite different to an average 20 year old student, and that can certainly affect how much work you can do, but these are the decisions that are made when deciding to return to education later in life.
Basically - it isn't going to get any easier, and only you can sort it out for yourself rather than blaming others.
Maybe you're struggling with the work because you feel excluded and alone. Everybody has to make an effort to fit in, regardless of age; your attitude could be putting a distance between you and the others. Try to relax and join in more - if you've already decided that it's pointless, then your classmates will probably pick up on that through your behaviour and body language. You owe it to yourself to give it all that you can.
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Thanks for the advice. The course is optometry so its pretty demanding and part time isn't an option. It's not actually group work as such, more like working in pairs in practicals to look at each others eyes. As there is an odd number I am always left out and if I ask a pair if I can join in with them they just say no. I can understand this as its hard enough getting finished with 2 people and if you have 3 it just takes longer so you can't get the work done in the timeframe (can't stay later as the lab has another class in it). The teaching staff have to tell a group to take me but then by the time they each have their turn with each other, we are pretty much out of time and I maybe get 20mins to try it instead of the hour that everyone else gets. I have tried asking if I can go first but they just say they won't take long but it always does.
Some of the lab demonstrators have said that they feel sorry for me and can see I am isolated but nobody really has any long term solutions.
I have also tried sitting with people in lectures and joining in. They do say hello but then just turn around and talk to the person on the other side of them. Its the age where they are going to clubs and 21st parties in the weekend so I can understand it as I was the same at that age too.
Some of the lab demonstrators have said that they feel sorry for me and can see I am isolated but nobody really has any long term solutions.
I have also tried sitting with people in lectures and joining in. They do say hello but then just turn around and talk to the person on the other side of them. Its the age where they are going to clubs and 21st parties in the weekend so I can understand it as I was the same at that age too.
I'm afraid I diagnose the condition as being Maturestudenttakingthemselveswaytooseriously. All about the work, no mates, long journey and "stressed and unhappy". If you're going to carry on like that, you might as well give up now and save yourself the pain of completely melting down in about 14 months time.
It's a bit late to do much about it now, but I suppose it depends on your motivations, what you're reading and why.
It sounds to me like you are (figuratively) on a degree course, but you're not at university. You're experiencing only the education and work, and nothing else.
To deal with the issues one at a time:
1. No mates - this is inevitable. You freely admit that you don't relate to the kids. You possibly come across to them as the un-fun mature student that they don't want to be near, or even worse, as one of their parents. If you don't want to completely crash and burn; this has got to change. You are going to have to work at it as well and have to make time. It doesn't matter if you think the socs are aimed at kids - you have to make the effort. There is a zero chance that someone half your age is magically going to sidle up to you and be your friend. You have just got to join a couple of socs, visit them and narrow it down to one that you think you might enjoy and make time for it. I know people who have literally been suicidal after a bad start at university and have been saved by being a part of a club or soc. Get on some socials, and attend them. It will probably be inconvenient - but if you want to meet people, that's how it goes. It might be something awful like Scifi club or baking - but as long as you think you'll half enjoy it.
Maybe concurrently, it might be possible to reconnect with the kids on your course. Try to get yourself on a course social, or if you are particulalry thick-skinned, organise one yourself (at the risk of no-one coming). You got to at least show willingness to try and relate to people.
2. All about the work. Well, that sucks. Do you really need to do all that work? Will you fail if you cut back a bit?
3. Always stressed / unhappy & partner cross. Like in Frozen, let it go. Try and fix the other things and get to the point where you are enjoying university rather than withstanding your course.
4. Long journey. Yeah, sorry. Nothing that can be done about that.
It's a bit late to do much about it now, but I suppose it depends on your motivations, what you're reading and why.
It sounds to me like you are (figuratively) on a degree course, but you're not at university. You're experiencing only the education and work, and nothing else.
To deal with the issues one at a time:
1. No mates - this is inevitable. You freely admit that you don't relate to the kids. You possibly come across to them as the un-fun mature student that they don't want to be near, or even worse, as one of their parents. If you don't want to completely crash and burn; this has got to change. You are going to have to work at it as well and have to make time. It doesn't matter if you think the socs are aimed at kids - you have to make the effort. There is a zero chance that someone half your age is magically going to sidle up to you and be your friend. You have just got to join a couple of socs, visit them and narrow it down to one that you think you might enjoy and make time for it. I know people who have literally been suicidal after a bad start at university and have been saved by being a part of a club or soc. Get on some socials, and attend them. It will probably be inconvenient - but if you want to meet people, that's how it goes. It might be something awful like Scifi club or baking - but as long as you think you'll half enjoy it.
Maybe concurrently, it might be possible to reconnect with the kids on your course. Try to get yourself on a course social, or if you are particulalry thick-skinned, organise one yourself (at the risk of no-one coming). You got to at least show willingness to try and relate to people.
2. All about the work. Well, that sucks. Do you really need to do all that work? Will you fail if you cut back a bit?
3. Always stressed / unhappy & partner cross. Like in Frozen, let it go. Try and fix the other things and get to the point where you are enjoying university rather than withstanding your course.
4. Long journey. Yeah, sorry. Nothing that can be done about that.
Original post by Clip
I'm afraid I diagnose the condition as being Maturestudenttakingthemselveswaytooseriously. All about the work, no mates, long journey and "stressed and unhappy". If you're going to carry on like that, you might as well give up now and save yourself the pain of completely melting down in about 14 months time.
It's a bit late to do much about it now, but I suppose it depends on your motivations, what you're reading and why.
It sounds to me like you are (figuratively) on a degree course, but you're not at university. You're experiencing only the education and work, and nothing else.
To deal with the issues one at a time:
1. No mates - this is inevitable. You freely admit that you don't relate to the kids. You possibly come across to them as the un-fun mature student that they don't want to be near, or even worse, as one of their parents. If you don't want to completely crash and burn; this has got to change. You are going to have to work at it as well and have to make time. It doesn't matter if you think the socs are aimed at kids - you have to make the effort. There is a zero chance that someone half your age is magically going to sidle up to you and be your friend. You have just got to join a couple of socs, visit them and narrow it down to one that you think you might enjoy and make time for it. I know people who have literally been suicidal after a bad start at university and have been saved by being a part of a club or soc. Get on some socials, and attend them. It will probably be inconvenient - but if you want to meet people, that's how it goes. It might be something awful like Scifi club or baking - but as long as you think you'll half enjoy it.
Maybe concurrently, it might be possible to reconnect with the kids on your course. Try to get yourself on a course social, or if you are particulalry thick-skinned, organise one yourself (at the risk of no-one coming). You got to at least show willingness to try and relate to people.
2. All about the work. Well, that sucks. Do you really need to do all that work? Will you fail if you cut back a bit?
3. Always stressed / unhappy & partner cross. Like in Frozen, let it go. Try and fix the other things and get to the point where you are enjoying university rather than withstanding your course.
4. Long journey. Yeah, sorry. Nothing that can be done about that.
It's a bit late to do much about it now, but I suppose it depends on your motivations, what you're reading and why.
It sounds to me like you are (figuratively) on a degree course, but you're not at university. You're experiencing only the education and work, and nothing else.
To deal with the issues one at a time:
1. No mates - this is inevitable. You freely admit that you don't relate to the kids. You possibly come across to them as the un-fun mature student that they don't want to be near, or even worse, as one of their parents. If you don't want to completely crash and burn; this has got to change. You are going to have to work at it as well and have to make time. It doesn't matter if you think the socs are aimed at kids - you have to make the effort. There is a zero chance that someone half your age is magically going to sidle up to you and be your friend. You have just got to join a couple of socs, visit them and narrow it down to one that you think you might enjoy and make time for it. I know people who have literally been suicidal after a bad start at university and have been saved by being a part of a club or soc. Get on some socials, and attend them. It will probably be inconvenient - but if you want to meet people, that's how it goes. It might be something awful like Scifi club or baking - but as long as you think you'll half enjoy it.
Maybe concurrently, it might be possible to reconnect with the kids on your course. Try to get yourself on a course social, or if you are particulalry thick-skinned, organise one yourself (at the risk of no-one coming). You got to at least show willingness to try and relate to people.
2. All about the work. Well, that sucks. Do you really need to do all that work? Will you fail if you cut back a bit?
3. Always stressed / unhappy & partner cross. Like in Frozen, let it go. Try and fix the other things and get to the point where you are enjoying university rather than withstanding your course.
4. Long journey. Yeah, sorry. Nothing that can be done about that.
Is starting uni at 23, and finishing at 27 still young enough to be considered one of the kids, or will I too stand out as a mature student?
Original post by cheeriosarenice
Is starting uni at 23, and finishing at 27 still young enough to be considered one of the kids, or will I too stand out as a mature student?
If you ask me, if you're friendly enough you'll be fine. In my experience, it's not really about them not being accepting of your age, it's you struggling to fit in with their age. I'm not THAT much older than people in my year and I feel I've already grown away from the student life while they're all still embracing it. They'll be surprised when they ask your age (as they probably will) but it's unlikely they'll be negative because of it.
Original post by cheeriosarenice
Is starting uni at 23, and finishing at 27 still young enough to be considered one of the kids, or will I too stand out as a mature student?
This is only my opinion, but for me 18-24 is normal student age. 25+ is where "mature student" starts.
In general terms, though - I think it's a state of mind. Unless you clearly look like you're 45, no-one will know you're a "mature student" unless you tell them. If one goes out of ones way to tell all and sundry how worldly-wise they are from being a couple of years older then of course they will stand out. If you don't say anything, no-one would ever have a clue.
If you want to act differently and make yourself different - you'll be different.
Original post by Clip
This is only my opinion, but for me 18-24 is normal student age. 25+ is where "mature student" starts.
In general terms, though - I think it's a state of mind. Unless you clearly look like you're 45, no-one will know you're a "mature student" unless you tell them. If one goes out of ones way to tell all and sundry how worldly-wise they are from being a couple of years older then of course they will stand out. If you don't say anything, no-one would ever have a clue.
If you want to act differently and make yourself different - you'll be different.
In general terms, though - I think it's a state of mind. Unless you clearly look like you're 45, no-one will know you're a "mature student" unless you tell them. If one goes out of ones way to tell all and sundry how worldly-wise they are from being a couple of years older then of course they will stand out. If you don't say anything, no-one would ever have a clue.
If you want to act differently and make yourself different - you'll be different.
I really want to act like a normal student. I've had quite a difficult life, and really regret not being able to go younger, and now I'm scare that I've missed the boat.
Original post by cheeriosarenice
I really want to act like a normal student. I've had quite a difficult life, and really regret not being able to go younger, and now I'm scare that I've missed the boat.
You don't have to "act young". You just have to "not act old".
I'm over 40. Although I'm on Masters, no undergrad, unless I make pains to point it out, no-one thinks I'm something unusual. Most people think I'm about 25.
Original post by Clip
You don't have to "act young". You just have to "not act old".
I'm over 40. Although I'm on Masters, no undergrad, unless I make pains to point it out, no-one thinks I'm something unusual. Most people think I'm about 25.
I'm over 40. Although I'm on Masters, no undergrad, unless I make pains to point it out, no-one thinks I'm something unusual. Most people think I'm about 25.
Oh ok thanks. So you've found the elixur of youth?
Original post by cheeriosarenice
Oh ok thanks. So you've found the elixur of youth?
No, I just don't tell people about how much better things were in the olden days.
It sounds as if you're being very submissive.
You should be using the fact that you're the oldest in the group to your advantage.
I'm 28 and and just about the start at uni, I may not be as old as you, but I am actually quite mature and conservative and I have quite an old head on my shoulders. I've just completed an access course and I sat with a 20 and 19 year old, they used to love the fact that I would take the lead in group work, but I had to make a conscious effort to engage them. They're extra-curricular activities involved going out, drinking and trying to pull as many girls as possible - I was like, been there, done that, yawn! My extra curricular activities involve coming home, seeing to washing, cooking tea, putting my feet up with a brew etc.
Your differences only become an issue if you let them. You will find that although you have many differences, you will have something in common with most of them, you just have to find out what that is. You can use this common ground to build a kinship with anyone.
It just sounds to me as if you alienated yourself, maybe not on purpose, but definitely because you had the wrong attitude.
I can only imagine things getting worse unless you make an effort to change it. Your other classmates will have a preconceived idea about what you're like judging by the way you've acted and how reclusive you have been, you have to work to change that.
I hope you manage to sort things out, it would be a shame to give up because of this.
You should be using the fact that you're the oldest in the group to your advantage.
I'm 28 and and just about the start at uni, I may not be as old as you, but I am actually quite mature and conservative and I have quite an old head on my shoulders. I've just completed an access course and I sat with a 20 and 19 year old, they used to love the fact that I would take the lead in group work, but I had to make a conscious effort to engage them. They're extra-curricular activities involved going out, drinking and trying to pull as many girls as possible - I was like, been there, done that, yawn! My extra curricular activities involve coming home, seeing to washing, cooking tea, putting my feet up with a brew etc.
Your differences only become an issue if you let them. You will find that although you have many differences, you will have something in common with most of them, you just have to find out what that is. You can use this common ground to build a kinship with anyone.
It just sounds to me as if you alienated yourself, maybe not on purpose, but definitely because you had the wrong attitude.
I can only imagine things getting worse unless you make an effort to change it. Your other classmates will have a preconceived idea about what you're like judging by the way you've acted and how reclusive you have been, you have to work to change that.
I hope you manage to sort things out, it would be a shame to give up because of this.
Original post by grumpycat101
I am almost 2 years through a 5year degree and am the only person in the course not straight from school. Unsurprisingly I find it hard to relate to 19/20 year olds when I am in my mid 30s and don't get a chance to meet anyone else as we all do the same subjects. There are no clubs that interest me (all aimed at younger people or else involve sport) and besides I just want to get home at the end of the day as I have a big commute. I literally study all the time (weekends, evenings, the lot) and as a result we have no family time and partner is fed up with me constantly being stressed and unhappy. A lot of our course is groupwork and I am always left without a partner and dumped in a group with random people who leave me out. I am now worried about the practical exams as I haven't had a chance to do a lot of the work and I don't have anyone I can get to work with me outside of class. I am really at the point of wondering if it is worth carrying on, especially as the group aspect only gets worse and I am sick of working soooo hard and only just passing. Have talked to study skills people and I'm not doing anything wrong, its just a really hard course with a lot of content and being older it takes longer to pick up and retain material. Have also tried to talk to teaching staff and they weren't helpful or interested. Really don't think I can take another 3 years of this!
I think I disagree a bit with other posters. I do think it sounds as though you are being discriminated against because of your age. It sounds as though you are trying to be involved in group work but are being prevented by the other students. Nobody likes to acknowledge discrimination and a lot of people like to put the blame on the victim but I really do think this is what is happening here.
I'm wondering if you should try again to discuss the issue with a member of staff. The fact that you are getting significantly less practical session time in labs just shows that the other student's behaviour is having a serious effect on your studies.
As far as whether or not to continue: you've got to year 2, so you're obviously fairly committed but it is worth considering your degree's value if it is making your life a misery. Are you excited about the prospect of becoming an optometrist at the end of your studies? Would it pay well? What made you interested in the course to begin with? How does your partner feel about the career opportunities your degree would open for you?
If you are edging towards leaving then: What do you think you will do work/study-wise instead? what would this mean for your life in general (both in the more distant future and the present)? How will it feel leaving and how will it feel in the future looking back on having left?
I really hope things improve for you. If the university fail to take things seriously you could mention age discrimination and refer them to the Equality Act 2010.
If you are going to stay at uni then I'd advise trying to get in contact with tutors and lecturers more and also planning some more family time in to your schedule (e.g.at least 4 hours at the weekend)
The acid test is to ask yourself "If this was happening in an office job, would it be discrimination?" You'll be thrown togather with people of all ages, both younger and older in the workplace. In my working life my line manager was younger than me a couple of times. In 20+ years of working, there were odd people - in one instance a large group of them - who didn't like me as a person and wouldn't work with me. I just had to find a way round it. There were no magic answers and I suspect that sadly there aren't here.
You'll be hard pressed to use Equality laws. How do you prove discrimination as distinct from other people just not getting on with you? Not liking someone isn't illegal.
Most unis have a counselling service. Whilst that might be a bit of a sideways method of coming at the problem, it will give you someone to talk to who is obliged to listen and take you seriously. You clearly have a lot on your mind - both uni and home - and talking it through with a non-academic person who understands uni issues, could be helpful. They might be able to offer alternative perspectives.
You'll be hard pressed to use Equality laws. How do you prove discrimination as distinct from other people just not getting on with you? Not liking someone isn't illegal.
Most unis have a counselling service. Whilst that might be a bit of a sideways method of coming at the problem, it will give you someone to talk to who is obliged to listen and take you seriously. You clearly have a lot on your mind - both uni and home - and talking it through with a non-academic person who understands uni issues, could be helpful. They might be able to offer alternative perspectives.
I'm a first year undergrad, in my mid-50's. 2 weeks into term and I have already heard several snide comment about my age. Although I leave my 'f**k em' attitude at home, I have challenged a couple of people about their perceptions, but without justifying my reason for being at Uni. The general attitude appears to be that at my age I should already be at the top of my creative field, and if I'm not already, then I'm wasting my time at Uni.
What I don't tell them is that I already have a respectable reputation in my field, but want to move into teaching the area that I have worked in - with no formal education, my chosen route into teaching is a 3 year degree course, followed by a postgrad PGCE.
I'm sure there's a moral in there somewhere, but at this time of night, I have no idea what the moral is!
What I don't tell them is that I already have a respectable reputation in my field, but want to move into teaching the area that I have worked in - with no formal education, my chosen route into teaching is a 3 year degree course, followed by a postgrad PGCE.
I'm sure there's a moral in there somewhere, but at this time of night, I have no idea what the moral is!
Original post by StuartOh
I'm a first year undergrad, in my mid-50's. 2 weeks into term and I have already heard several snide comment about my age. Although I leave my 'f**k em' attitude at home, I have challenged a couple of people about their perceptions, but without justifying my reason for being at Uni. The general attitude appears to be that at my age I should already be at the top of my creative field, and if I'm not already, then I'm wasting my time at Uni.
What I don't tell them is that I already have a respectable reputation in my field, but want to move into teaching the area that I have worked in - with no formal education, my chosen route into teaching is a 3 year degree course, followed by a postgrad PGCE.
I'm sure there's a moral in there somewhere, but at this time of night, I have no idea what the moral is!
What I don't tell them is that I already have a respectable reputation in my field, but want to move into teaching the area that I have worked in - with no formal education, my chosen route into teaching is a 3 year degree course, followed by a postgrad PGCE.
I'm sure there's a moral in there somewhere, but at this time of night, I have no idea what the moral is!
What comments have they made? I'm 32 and I've just started as well. I think a lot of 18 year olds who have just left school are still very immature - some of the people on my course honestly act like they are in primary school! They'll grow up a lot in the next year.
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