Hi there,
Just wanted some opinions.
I'm at University, doing my postgrad, and like many others I moved here without knowing anyone (some 300 miles from home, so I cannot just nip home like I could at undergrad). All of my housemates are very friendly, we talk when passing, but they're not really a 'lively' bunch. But, I'm not a social butterfly either, so I'm either busy studying or looking at videos of cats.
From since I can remember, I have always struggled to make friends. Every friendship I have ever had was always instigated by the other person (they obviously saw something in me). At undergraduate, I truly made some life long friends and I do miss them. I keep thinking if only they were here.
However, there's a part inside of me which is battling with myself - on one hand, I'm not bothered in making friends, but the other part of me wants to have an individual (just one 'good' friend) who I can do things with e.g. go to town, something to eat etc but I just cannot find it anywhere.
Finding a word to describe it is difficult, but it is kind of disheartening when I see people on my course in the Facebook group who are all adding each other yet I don't get any requests. I'm 90% sure that if I added everyone, they would accept out of courtesy, and the world would see I am up by 30 friends. However, I cannot conform to modern day society where all someone needs to do is say 'hello' in passing and the next minute they're friends on Facebook.
I've been here just under a month, and I haven't really connected with anyone. I went to a society event alone (it was a house party), and I scurried out the back door after half an hour because I felt uncomfortable. I spoke to a couple of new faces, but just ended up leaning against a wall whilst people were in groups talking in corners of the room. I also went to a debate thingy last night, which was very interesting, and those in charge invited everyone for a drink in the SU after, and yet again, I didn't go. I made the conscious decision to do this through past experience, not to mention I needed to go library, but any other normal person would have gone along in the hope to make a friend.
I know it's bad, but I have a resentful attitude. When I am with new people, I do make an effort and try to look remotely happy, however inside I am miserable. There is also a social event arranged by the uni for those on my course, but again, I probably won't go because it will be me all alone again as people have already decided on their 'groups'.
It is disheartening because I cannot see my situation changing much by Christmas. My mother has always encouraged me in life, and I know she does worry about me because of my insular, quiet nature and she has always pushed me to get out there stating I'm just as good as anyone else. So, when I go home, I will have to concoct some story that I have made some good friends, when in fact I really haven't. I have only really made 'acquaintances'. I have come on in leaps and bounds, I'm not the same girl I was at 17. I've held down jobs for 6 years, 3 of those whilst at undergrad. Going from a child who was too shy to answer the register at school to a girl who could handle a screaming patient on the phone at my last job is testament of this.
Another thing I despise is desperation. I see new people in groups, e.g. my course, who I can tell are obviously making an effort, but I find it cringey when it borders on someone just sitting there trying to involve themselves in another groups personal conversation whilst smiling like an idiot. I know I come across as I grumpy so and so, but I can't help it. I do believe I have a lot of confidence issues, however I have done a lot to try and rectify this. I have lost a good amount of weight which was a self confidence issue a year ago, I'm at an average weight for my stats, however I'm still miserable no matter what I try and change.
Part of me just wants to get on with it and do exceptionally well with my studies, but it would also be nice to make even one friends that sticks.
Any advice?