To accept family estrangement or not?
So my family dynmaic is -
I'm the youngest at 20. I'm also the only boy and bisexual (relevant). I'm quite shy, quite quiet and my sisters refer to me as 'spoilt' quite often. I was also heavily bullied at school (broken nose three times, fractured eye socket etc) to the point where I dropped out and was home schooled from year 7 to 10. In year 11, I went back and achieved good grades, went on to college and achieved AAAB (somewhat relevant, not mentioning it to brag or anything). I'm currently doing a second gap year and going to unviersity this September (ironically what sister 1 did, we both did 3 years at college, 1 year working in a supermarket).
I have two older sisters; sister number one is 25 and I have usually had a positive relationship with her but she has terrible PMS, and when she enters her 'moods', the family call her Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. She can and has gone from being incredibly kind and thoughtful one day, to the next screaming blue murder about how she's going to kill herself and how everyone else is to blame. This escalated until her third year of university two years ago; she could not handle the pressure of her dissertation and virtually dropped out of uni for three months. During this time, our usually good relationship fractured; one distinct argument is where she entered a hysterical fit and almost attacked my mother. I intervened, she screamed I was a demon brother and that I had raped her and she was going to call the police.
Sister number 2 is 24, and frankly my complete opposite. I'm introverted, she's extroverted. I believe highly in education and the pupose of bettering yourself, while she believes in practical work and education is the pursuit of lazy people. She did achieve good GCSEs, better than I did, but went to college for the EMA and has since worked 'practical' jobs, such as bar work, call centers and supermarkets. Like, it's just a classic case of completely incompatible ideologys' and how they clash. Like a prime example is she wants to vote UKIP, where as I'm firmly in the camp that see UKIP as little better than right-wing nazi immitators. Anyway, never had a good relationship; we tolerate each other and can usually remain civil if neither divulge too much to the conversation to cause friction. She is however incredibly close to my eldest sister and they have been through out life, makes sense, both the same gender and close in age and went to the same schools etc.
Both of them have had a traditional 'elder sibling' relationship towards me in some reguards; they both feel the need to continually impart sage life wisdom. 'Why can't you drive yet?' 'Why don't you do more over time at work?' 'I think your hair looks better like this' etc etc. I usually take this on the chin because it's usual and sometimes quite nice really, sometimes it can be annoying and baby Jesus help me if I ask anything similar back to them. I once asked why sister 1 was still 25 and living at home when she asked why I only do 20 hours work and she sobbed for 2 hours and phoned our dad, lol.
Dad: Incredibly poor relationship. Again, I used to tolerate him so I did not cause aggro for my sisters or mother. He's narcissistic etc etc. He gets on better with girls and clearly treats my sisters differently based on gender. This used to upset me a great deal (in fact I obviously had to go to CAHMS about my bullying experience and one of my therapists focused heavily on my poor relationship with my father as a source of depression, which it wasn't, it doesn't actually bother me haha). He's the sort of man that would spend hours doing a favour for his friends, but his childrens family house is falling down and he can't spend an hour a week fixing it (note: he's a builder). He has consistantly said thoughtless things throughout my life, from saying to my eldest sister infront of me and my other sister 'you're the best thing I've ever done in my life, nothing can compare' to concisely treating me differently, such as punishing me more severely than my sisters for doing the exact same thing (again, vivid memory of when I was a kid, both me and sister number 1 spat on the pavement. He told her to stop, while he knelt me over his knee and hit me three times). He also does not believe men should show affection, and as such I can honestly say I don't think I've even hugged this man. It's not a woe is me story and this guy is actually a very insignificant part of the story, but still worth mentioning.
And lastly my mother: me and her are incredibly close. She's an elderly mother at 62, she was a single mother of 3 young children and devouted her entire life to us. Even at 20, I would still say she's a very large factor in my life and one of my closest friends. We're incredibly similar, find the same things interesting and take situations the same way. This closeness created friction; both my sisters have consistantly accused her of favouring me. I would not say she does favour me at all, I think she tries her hardest to be fair to all three of us, but in her defence it's a vicious circle. The more my sisters accuse her of favouriting me, the harder it is for her to show compassion and kindness because she's a sensitive lady, so the more she confides in me about why this situation occurs, which only exasperates my sisters feelings.
The family dynamic has traditionally been me and my mother versus sister one and our dad, with sister 2 being the classic 'middle child' (mentions several times how she was not favourited by anyone, like ngl you could read a wiki article about middle child syndrome and this girl has it in spades haha).
So yeah, I would say my mum tries to make us into a close family, but due to basically incompatible personalities and situations, we've always been very... strained. We still come together for family events and such and I do really try my hardest to be pallible, sit there and endure it but it's really difficult to tolerate 2 people you frankly do not get on with (sister 2 and father), and sister 1 acts up in the presence of our dad (reverts back to being a 5 year old, DADDY DADDY LOOK AT ME quite literally comes out her mouth at the age of 25), so really it's just an ordeal.
But this all escalated at the end of January. I came home from work in a really bad mood because of issues at work and I do admit I started the argument and snapped at my sister. This started a huge family argument where basically, my mum said something like 'daughter, son has had a really bad day at work, remember all the times we had to be considerate of you and your dissertation, just try and be reasonable and treat him the same way he treated you and ignore him, he'll apologise tomorrow', and she turned round and said 'you always protect your golden boy, I bet you don't even know he's a faggot'.
My mouth literally dropped open, not only at that word but at the utter betrayal of confidence. She didn't stop there, she came out with all this **** about how I'm addicted to cocaine and how she's had to put up with me and our mum always defends me. Now, the sick thing is I can actually understand her train of thought, she wanted to drive a wedge between me and my mum and did it the only way she knew how. I get that, but at the same time, such an utter betrayal over a really trivial argument, the sort of argument that usually would have been fixed in a few days because I do usually say sorry really quickly.
But yeah, that happened a month ago and rather ironically, sister 1 is acting like I did that to her. On a night out, she spat at me and threw her drink at one of my friends, she refuses to talk to me and I literally always hear her on the phone to our dad about what I've supposebly done wrong. Sister 2 for the first time in her life has taken my side and said what sister 1 did was disgusting, and my mother has reacted how I knew she would react (she's 62, she comes from a different era and I don't begrudge her that. She refuses to talk about it, but it is awkward and has brought a little wedge between me and her :/).
I'm now in a prediciment with mothers day coming up; usually we would get together and have a pub lunch, but I just don't think I can do that anymore. I cannot look sister one in the eye without feeling pure anger, and I don't think I will ever be able to forgive her. But the thing is, she has stronger family ties. Although sister 2 has condemned sister 1s actions, they're already back to their old relationship which is incredibly close, and our dad is just insignificant to me and always takes their side anyway.
I'm in a position where my mums life would be easier if I just left it. Like, not in an emo way, but she's too old and stressed to be dealing with this sort of family drama, and I don't think me and sister 1 are ever going to be able to get back to even being tolerable. I go to uni this september, and I'm tempted to just cut contact completely and refuse to come home during breaks and just phase my family out of my life.
If I'm being truthful, I would be happier not to see my sisters again. They went traveling for 4 months around Asia together, and it sounds horrible but I didn't think about them once and instead enjoyed the time me and my mum spent together. So I don't think phasing them out would be hard, it's my mum I know I'll miss, but she comes in a package. I either have to tolerate my sisters (especially sister 1) to see her, or not see her at all. And then you combine my dad into the mix, and what sister 1 is arguing is that if I left the family, they would be able to have happy family meals. Which is true, I admit, I am the one with the most beef with people. I'm the one who refuses to talk to our dad, has incompatible clashes with sister 2 and now sister 1 and I are beyond the point of repair.
I just don't see myself feigning love around the table at Christmas; I think sister 1 went too far, but am I being unreasonable? Should I just accept having an estranged family, or for the sake of my mother try and make things right? How would I even do that? Sister 1 is acting like I've murdered someone, and I refuse to apologise for her utter betrayal of confidence and disgusting behaviour. So if I should fix it, how?
sorry I know it's a super long thread but I'm just really upset, disheartened and not sure what to do.
I'm the youngest at 20. I'm also the only boy and bisexual (relevant). I'm quite shy, quite quiet and my sisters refer to me as 'spoilt' quite often. I was also heavily bullied at school (broken nose three times, fractured eye socket etc) to the point where I dropped out and was home schooled from year 7 to 10. In year 11, I went back and achieved good grades, went on to college and achieved AAAB (somewhat relevant, not mentioning it to brag or anything). I'm currently doing a second gap year and going to unviersity this September (ironically what sister 1 did, we both did 3 years at college, 1 year working in a supermarket).
I have two older sisters; sister number one is 25 and I have usually had a positive relationship with her but she has terrible PMS, and when she enters her 'moods', the family call her Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. She can and has gone from being incredibly kind and thoughtful one day, to the next screaming blue murder about how she's going to kill herself and how everyone else is to blame. This escalated until her third year of university two years ago; she could not handle the pressure of her dissertation and virtually dropped out of uni for three months. During this time, our usually good relationship fractured; one distinct argument is where she entered a hysterical fit and almost attacked my mother. I intervened, she screamed I was a demon brother and that I had raped her and she was going to call the police.
Sister number 2 is 24, and frankly my complete opposite. I'm introverted, she's extroverted. I believe highly in education and the pupose of bettering yourself, while she believes in practical work and education is the pursuit of lazy people. She did achieve good GCSEs, better than I did, but went to college for the EMA and has since worked 'practical' jobs, such as bar work, call centers and supermarkets. Like, it's just a classic case of completely incompatible ideologys' and how they clash. Like a prime example is she wants to vote UKIP, where as I'm firmly in the camp that see UKIP as little better than right-wing nazi immitators. Anyway, never had a good relationship; we tolerate each other and can usually remain civil if neither divulge too much to the conversation to cause friction. She is however incredibly close to my eldest sister and they have been through out life, makes sense, both the same gender and close in age and went to the same schools etc.
Both of them have had a traditional 'elder sibling' relationship towards me in some reguards; they both feel the need to continually impart sage life wisdom. 'Why can't you drive yet?' 'Why don't you do more over time at work?' 'I think your hair looks better like this' etc etc. I usually take this on the chin because it's usual and sometimes quite nice really, sometimes it can be annoying and baby Jesus help me if I ask anything similar back to them. I once asked why sister 1 was still 25 and living at home when she asked why I only do 20 hours work and she sobbed for 2 hours and phoned our dad, lol.
Dad: Incredibly poor relationship. Again, I used to tolerate him so I did not cause aggro for my sisters or mother. He's narcissistic etc etc. He gets on better with girls and clearly treats my sisters differently based on gender. This used to upset me a great deal (in fact I obviously had to go to CAHMS about my bullying experience and one of my therapists focused heavily on my poor relationship with my father as a source of depression, which it wasn't, it doesn't actually bother me haha). He's the sort of man that would spend hours doing a favour for his friends, but his childrens family house is falling down and he can't spend an hour a week fixing it (note: he's a builder). He has consistantly said thoughtless things throughout my life, from saying to my eldest sister infront of me and my other sister 'you're the best thing I've ever done in my life, nothing can compare' to concisely treating me differently, such as punishing me more severely than my sisters for doing the exact same thing (again, vivid memory of when I was a kid, both me and sister number 1 spat on the pavement. He told her to stop, while he knelt me over his knee and hit me three times). He also does not believe men should show affection, and as such I can honestly say I don't think I've even hugged this man. It's not a woe is me story and this guy is actually a very insignificant part of the story, but still worth mentioning.
And lastly my mother: me and her are incredibly close. She's an elderly mother at 62, she was a single mother of 3 young children and devouted her entire life to us. Even at 20, I would still say she's a very large factor in my life and one of my closest friends. We're incredibly similar, find the same things interesting and take situations the same way. This closeness created friction; both my sisters have consistantly accused her of favouring me. I would not say she does favour me at all, I think she tries her hardest to be fair to all three of us, but in her defence it's a vicious circle. The more my sisters accuse her of favouriting me, the harder it is for her to show compassion and kindness because she's a sensitive lady, so the more she confides in me about why this situation occurs, which only exasperates my sisters feelings.
The family dynamic has traditionally been me and my mother versus sister one and our dad, with sister 2 being the classic 'middle child' (mentions several times how she was not favourited by anyone, like ngl you could read a wiki article about middle child syndrome and this girl has it in spades haha).
So yeah, I would say my mum tries to make us into a close family, but due to basically incompatible personalities and situations, we've always been very... strained. We still come together for family events and such and I do really try my hardest to be pallible, sit there and endure it but it's really difficult to tolerate 2 people you frankly do not get on with (sister 2 and father), and sister 1 acts up in the presence of our dad (reverts back to being a 5 year old, DADDY DADDY LOOK AT ME quite literally comes out her mouth at the age of 25), so really it's just an ordeal.
But this all escalated at the end of January. I came home from work in a really bad mood because of issues at work and I do admit I started the argument and snapped at my sister. This started a huge family argument where basically, my mum said something like 'daughter, son has had a really bad day at work, remember all the times we had to be considerate of you and your dissertation, just try and be reasonable and treat him the same way he treated you and ignore him, he'll apologise tomorrow', and she turned round and said 'you always protect your golden boy, I bet you don't even know he's a faggot'.
My mouth literally dropped open, not only at that word but at the utter betrayal of confidence. She didn't stop there, she came out with all this **** about how I'm addicted to cocaine and how she's had to put up with me and our mum always defends me. Now, the sick thing is I can actually understand her train of thought, she wanted to drive a wedge between me and my mum and did it the only way she knew how. I get that, but at the same time, such an utter betrayal over a really trivial argument, the sort of argument that usually would have been fixed in a few days because I do usually say sorry really quickly.
But yeah, that happened a month ago and rather ironically, sister 1 is acting like I did that to her. On a night out, she spat at me and threw her drink at one of my friends, she refuses to talk to me and I literally always hear her on the phone to our dad about what I've supposebly done wrong. Sister 2 for the first time in her life has taken my side and said what sister 1 did was disgusting, and my mother has reacted how I knew she would react (she's 62, she comes from a different era and I don't begrudge her that. She refuses to talk about it, but it is awkward and has brought a little wedge between me and her :/).
I'm now in a prediciment with mothers day coming up; usually we would get together and have a pub lunch, but I just don't think I can do that anymore. I cannot look sister one in the eye without feeling pure anger, and I don't think I will ever be able to forgive her. But the thing is, she has stronger family ties. Although sister 2 has condemned sister 1s actions, they're already back to their old relationship which is incredibly close, and our dad is just insignificant to me and always takes their side anyway.
I'm in a position where my mums life would be easier if I just left it. Like, not in an emo way, but she's too old and stressed to be dealing with this sort of family drama, and I don't think me and sister 1 are ever going to be able to get back to even being tolerable. I go to uni this september, and I'm tempted to just cut contact completely and refuse to come home during breaks and just phase my family out of my life.
If I'm being truthful, I would be happier not to see my sisters again. They went traveling for 4 months around Asia together, and it sounds horrible but I didn't think about them once and instead enjoyed the time me and my mum spent together. So I don't think phasing them out would be hard, it's my mum I know I'll miss, but she comes in a package. I either have to tolerate my sisters (especially sister 1) to see her, or not see her at all. And then you combine my dad into the mix, and what sister 1 is arguing is that if I left the family, they would be able to have happy family meals. Which is true, I admit, I am the one with the most beef with people. I'm the one who refuses to talk to our dad, has incompatible clashes with sister 2 and now sister 1 and I are beyond the point of repair.
I just don't see myself feigning love around the table at Christmas; I think sister 1 went too far, but am I being unreasonable? Should I just accept having an estranged family, or for the sake of my mother try and make things right? How would I even do that? Sister 1 is acting like I've murdered someone, and I refuse to apologise for her utter betrayal of confidence and disgusting behaviour. So if I should fix it, how?
sorry I know it's a super long thread but I'm just really upset, disheartened and not sure what to do.
Original post by A5ko
You need to be talking to qualified individuals, not us 'wasters' here on TSR.
That is some heavy **** to be going through.
That is some heavy **** to be going through.
I know you're right, but I spent the vast majority of my teenage years in therapy and truthfully, I don't want to go back haha. As a person, I'm really happy in my life. I have amazing friends, I have amazing prospects and despite this situation happening, I don't feel depressed.
What I'm trying to understand is if estrangement is better in the long run because 1) I have no emotional connection to the vast majority of my family and 2) I'm genuinely worried for my mothers health, I don't think she can cope with the stress anymore, but I don't think I'm willing to compromise and forgive sister 1 for what she's done.
Also there's some other questions that I'm hoping members of TSR can help with, namely being estranged at uni. Do university's offer accomodation during non-term time, namely in the summer? If I do go the estrangement route, my uni accomodation offers lodging for 39 weeks of the year. What do people do for the other 15 weeks of the year if going home is not an option? And what do I do about not having a guarentor?
So yeah, I appreciate people probably can't help with the outstanding family issue, but I'd just love to have outside perspective on what people would do if they were in my situation.
I should note that my mum is homophobic to a point; she doesn't understand LBGT or the 'lifestyle', doesn't condone it but she has said throughout her life that the love for her children is greater than her disdain. While it's awkward, I'm not fearful she will throw me out or anything...
Plus I'd love to have some secondary input as to why this girl is acting the way she is. I'm not joking, she's acting like I've outed her as a lesbian or something. In my point of view, she's escalated a trivial argument and betrayed my confidence in the most tragic way, and yet her treatment afterwards is shocking.
She's spat at me on a night out, she's thrown a drink over one of my friends and goes out of her way to interfer with my day. If I have work at 9 and need to get in the shower at 8, she'll get in at 7:50 and won't get out till 8:30. All very minor grievances, but it's still leaving me absolutely dumb struck at the situation. Why exactly is she acting so pissy? What have I done? I can't grasp her motives, and I'm hoping maybe someone might elighten them to me as an outside point of view and allow me to understand a little more.
Understanding her more might make it easier to forgive her, if I have too, but at this point I can't see any reason outside of petty grudges that a 25 year old should be above. I mean, I don't resent her for being our fathers favourite, it's not her fault, it's his, so even if I am my mothers favourite (which I am not), why is her beef with me and not our mother?
All these questions continually run through my mind and it is so, so, so exhausting.
She's spat at me on a night out, she's thrown a drink over one of my friends and goes out of her way to interfer with my day. If I have work at 9 and need to get in the shower at 8, she'll get in at 7:50 and won't get out till 8:30. All very minor grievances, but it's still leaving me absolutely dumb struck at the situation. Why exactly is she acting so pissy? What have I done? I can't grasp her motives, and I'm hoping maybe someone might elighten them to me as an outside point of view and allow me to understand a little more.
Understanding her more might make it easier to forgive her, if I have too, but at this point I can't see any reason outside of petty grudges that a 25 year old should be above. I mean, I don't resent her for being our fathers favourite, it's not her fault, it's his, so even if I am my mothers favourite (which I am not), why is her beef with me and not our mother?
All these questions continually run through my mind and it is so, so, so exhausting.
Have you considered coming out to your mother properly and seeing what her reaction is? If your going to estrange your self then their is no harm in doing so!! Parents need a little time to think about it but (mothers especialy) love you no matter what. On the off chance she doesn't accept you and it makes it more awkward you can leave anyway which it seems your inclined to do.
Why don't you ask your sister (the one that's mad at you) why she's so angry?
You have to be careful about disowning your family- I know it's easier (and less drama-filled) to leave, but it's not always as easy as that. What will you do for occasions like Xmas? Could you cope with being on your own? If it didn't work out on your own, you can't waltz back into family life.
I think, whatever you choose, stay in contact with your mum and talk to her about your sexuality.
You have to be careful about disowning your family- I know it's easier (and less drama-filled) to leave, but it's not always as easy as that. What will you do for occasions like Xmas? Could you cope with being on your own? If it didn't work out on your own, you can't waltz back into family life.
I think, whatever you choose, stay in contact with your mum and talk to her about your sexuality.
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