The Student Room Group

Love experts; support, loyalty, and guilt in relationships

Long post, one for you experienced love gurus

I fell in love with a girl, went out with her, and came to know more about her life situation and circumstances.

And without being arrogant, I did a lot for her. My input and actions significantly changed her life for the better; in her own words, 'I saved her life', which isn't exaggeration. There was more to it than just that, and over a period of months I gave her huge amounts of time, effort, emotional support but also direct input/actions which helped her out of her bad place a lot. Did my actions contribute towards the love that she felt for me? Almost definitely, but we liked each other significantly before I made any direct input into her life. I didn't whiteknight my way into her life, I got her with my personality. But my support and input, no doubt - and as would be normal in any relationship -, brought us closer together.

This girl fell out of love with me, for reasons that weren't of my own doing (other than not being a personality that she loved anymore). I'm a bastard and a fool and after a long period of hating myself and anger and frustration, I said some things to her along the lines of 'I did this, this and this for you, I did this for you and I love you so much, why can't you see that'.

I don't know what I was thinking in the heat of the moment. I was probably letting out frustration and maybe it was a desperate attempt to guilt trip her into being with me. Maybe. I don't know. I hope not. I'll regret it till my dying day. I'm inexperienced and a dickhead and I've apologised many times.

Fast forward two and a bit months and she's in love with me, or at least likes me a lot, again, pure discussion on the topic is a little off limits for now. On two occasions she's apologised for 'making [me] do that stuff for her' and that ' had to do that for you'. On one or two occasions she's said 'no, you did this for me in the past/I messed this up for you in the past' and then gone on to intimate/imply 'so you/I have to do this now', as if she owes me something, because I helped her out before.

I know she likes me again. Maybe love. It's hard to say. I don't ever want her to feel like she owes me anything and that's why she's in the relationship. I regret it so much.

So, got a few questions;

a) in general, should a person's devotion and loyalty (as above) be rewarded with love and loyalty in return? What if you change the word from loyalty to guilt? Is there a difference?

b) following on from the above, can I hold it against her to fall out of love with me (I don't, but just wondering)?

c) how do I apologise properly and eradicate any of those feelings from her mind?
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