I broke up with my girlfriend because of long distance and I'm struggling

Hi all,

Basically I just need to get this off my chest and talk about it somehow.

I'd been going out with a girl for 6 months, which is the longest I've ever been with someone and I loved her. I honestly think she's the first person I've truly loved other than my immediate family (my parents had a really nasty divorce and my Dad and sister are now estranged from my mother, so that messed me up when it comes to relationships). We got on so well, but she'll be staying in our university town next year whilst I leave on a placement for the year and she didn't think she'd manage long distance, so we broke up in the hope of staying friends. I've never been able to open up to someone like I could with her, she just understood me in a way I've never experienced.

We used to send long, essay-like messages to each other most days and now we don't really speak as much and it's just really difficult, especially now I don't have revision to focus myself on and since a lot of my friends are leaving for the summer. I can't tell if I'm bored or starting to show signs of depression (as I understand it, although it irks me when people say "I'm depressed" when they just mean sad). There were all sorts of things I was really looking forward to doing after my exams were over and now I've just lost enthusiasm for them all and I don't know why.

I just really miss her and I don't know who to talk to about it - whenever had other things bothering me I'd talk to her, but obviously now I can't.

Anyway, this probably hasn't been the most coherent message, but if anyone else has experienced similar circumstances I'd be really thankful if you could share how you got through it. I really am struggling at the moment.

All the best and I hope you have a pleasant summer.

Hi Anonymous

This is a tough one. I was (currently still am) in a very similar situation to you, so I can understand exactly what you're going through. It's difficult to cope with everything, but you must remind yourself that this is just a temporary phase. Things will get better.

There is likely to be an element of boredom here which is contributing to how you're feeling. It's all about distracting yourself with something, that's the best way to cope with missing her. The more you're engaging in an activity or a hobby, the less you're thinking about her and the better you feel. You mentioned you had all sorts of things that you were looking forward to doing...so go and do them, please! I appreciate it's difficult to motivate yourself or to find the enthusiasm, but even if you have to drag yourself to places, then that's what it's going to take and you should definitely do it. For now, make this your priority. It's summer, it's the best time to go outside, make use of the time to relax and do things that will cheer you up. You might not feel an immediate effect, but the worst thing you can do right now is stay at home and do nothing. Why not go outside with some people? Family or friends. Have a picnic, go to a theme park...anything.

I'm not sure what the future holds for your relationship. I can't say that you'll never see her again, I can't say you'll get back together, I don't know the details here. But...at some stage, you may have to accept that the relationship is well and truly over, you'll have to accept that she's gone and she's never coming back. It may very well come to that. Once you accept the death of your relationship (and it's such a difficult thing to accept), it paves the way to recovery and moving on. If you keep holding onto false hopes of getting back together, it will torment you, hold you back and make you even more miserable.

Let me say something about going out with other women. Now, this doesn't always help after you break up with someone. I tried this, I have a new woman now but she's hardly available when I need her, she's already tied up with a boyfriend and I'm still thinking about my ex every day. So if you were considering dating other women, then you should know that it might not have the desired effect. You won't suddenly stop feeling sad or stop thinking of your ex, that feeling will remain. Having said that, it helps having a new woman to spend time with because it does take a little bit of the pain away, even if it's just a temporary fix.

Another thing...you should seriously consider going no contact. That means removing her from your life completely and permanently, and removing yourself from her life. Block her on your phone, block her on all social media, cut every single avenue of contact. Going cold turkey like this helps you to heal and move on. Now I'm not sure if you're still having contact with this person...but remaining friends with an ex is never a good idea, it opens you up to more pain and misery. Your ex is your ex for a very good reason.

It's a shame that your relationship had to end, but you must move forward. Your life can't stop just because she's not with you. It's okay to feel pain, it's okay to feel sadness and loneliness, it's all perfectly normal. But really force and push yourself to do things, even if you're not enthusiastic about it, you should still be going out and doing things. Things that you like.

This wasn't helpful, but again, I know exactly how it's like to lose someone and have to cope with their unfortunate departure. Accept that you've lost her, she's gone and now you have to rely on yourself to get better and to get through this phase. Set yourself goals, look forward to the next chapter in your life, whether that's university, employment etc. You'll get through this, of that I'm sure, but it takes time. It's a slow process.

Hi Juicy J, thanks so much for your reply,

Firstly I'm sorry that you're experiencing the same and I hope you're doing okay. I know it's temporary, it's just hard because it's new to me and I really did love her. I still do, and I think the hardest thing is that I wanted to TRY long distance and see what happened, whereas she didn't even want to try, so that hurt even though I completely understand her point of view.

It's things like reading and the acoustic guitar album I was working on and had so much enthusiasm before, and going to the gym to train for some runs I'm doing, I just don't want to do any of it now. I think I need to go home and see how I feel then as I'm still in my university town at the moment and there are a lot of memories in this room that aren't helping. I'm also pretty much out of money so there's little I can realistically do, but going home may well help, I just know that I'll get a massive case of cabin fever if I go home for the summer. I just feel so alone, y'know? You're right though, I know it'll help to do things.

I'm not holding onto any hopes of getting back together and I wouldn't want to let her do this to me twice, so I've accepted it's over, I just haven't come to terms with it anymore. Nothing was wrong with the relationship at all, we were just going to be apart and she didn't want to try. I'm a big believer in fighting for a relationship and only giving up if it's absolutely not going to work any other way, but I'll never have that closure that I did everything I could. That's why I think it's hard for me.

I get what you mean about other women and I'm sorry to hear about your situation and I hope it improves for you with this other girl too. There are girls I'd have liked to go out with before, but I just don't think I could do that to someone else if I wasn't entirely into it. It takes me quite some time to get over these things because I throw all of myself in and I don't think people I'm with understand how involved I get in relationships. Some friendly female company might be a good idea though.

I'm still in contact with her and I'm glad she's doing well, but most times when I hear/ don't hear from her it just makes me upset, so that's not a bad idea actually. I just miss her so much.

Yeah you're right, setting goals would be a good idea, it's just like my ship won't have a bearing for a while and I don't like not knowing what I'm working towards. I'm going on a long bike ride in Europe in 6 weeks, but that's a hell of a long time to be inside my head, y'know? Thanks so much for your counsel though, I really appreciate it. If you want to talk about anything on your mind, then just ask me to message you and I can talk it over with you too, but no pressure

Thanks again.

Hi all,

Basically I just need to get this off my chest and talk about it somehow.

I'd been going out with a girl for 6 months, which is the longest I've ever been with someone and I loved her. I honestly think she's the first person I've truly loved other than my immediate family (my parents had a really nasty divorce and my Dad and sister are now estranged from my mother, so that messed me up when it comes to relationships). We got on so well, but she'll be staying in our university town next year whilst I leave on a placement for the year and she didn't think she'd manage long distance, so we broke up in the hope of staying friends. I've never been able to open up to someone like I could with her, she just understood me in a way I've never experienced.

We used to send long, essay-like messages to each other most days and now we don't really speak as much and it's just really difficult, especially now I don't have revision to focus myself on and since a lot of my friends are leaving for the summer. I can't tell if I'm bored or starting to show signs of depression (as I understand it, although it irks me when people say "I'm depressed" when they just mean sad). There were all sorts of things I was really looking forward to doing after my exams were over and now I've just lost enthusiasm for them all and I don't know why.

I just really miss her and I don't know who to talk to about it - whenever had other things bothering me I'd talk to her, but obviously now I can't.

Anyway, this probably hasn't been the most coherent message, but if anyone else has experienced similar circumstances I'd be really thankful if you could share how you got through it. I really am struggling at the moment.

All the best and I hope you have a pleasant summer.

Says it all that she is not willing to try long distance, she's not worth it, I'd cut all contact with her.

Hi all,

Basically I just need to get this off my chest and talk about it somehow.

I'd been going out with a girl for 6 months, which is the longest I've ever been with someone and I loved her. I honestly think she's the first person I've truly loved other than my immediate family (my parents had a really nasty divorce and my Dad and sister are now estranged from my mother, so that messed me up when it comes to relationships). We got on so well, but she'll be staying in our university town next year whilst I leave on a placement for the year and she didn't think she'd manage long distance, so we broke up in the hope of staying friends. I've never been able to open up to someone like I could with her, she just understood me in a way I've never experienced.

We used to send long, essay-like messages to each other most days and now we don't really speak as much and it's just really difficult, especially now I don't have revision to focus myself on and since a lot of my friends are leaving for the summer. I can't tell if I'm bored or starting to show signs of depression (as I understand it, although it irks me when people say "I'm depressed" when they just mean sad). There were all sorts of things I was really looking forward to doing after my exams were over and now I've just lost enthusiasm for them all and I don't know why.

I just really miss her and I don't know who to talk to about it - whenever had other things bothering me I'd talk to her, but obviously now I can't.

Anyway, this probably hasn't been the most coherent message, but if anyone else has experienced similar circumstances I'd be really thankful if you could share how you got through it. I really am struggling at the moment.

All the best and I hope you have a pleasant summer.

Long distance is never an excuse. My 7th year anniversary is coming up and I'm going to propose. I have been at uni for 4 years during my relationship and my GF moved to San Francisco for a year. It's about communication, understanding the other person's needs and meeting them. vice versa. I can explain more if need be but I'm being blunt cause you're acting like you're powerless when you're not.