I don't know if he's asking too much.....

I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years, of which about 3 of them he was either unemployed or studying. In terms of financial disparity, i've been the main breadwinner. We live separately and long distance. In terms of how we get on - we have good laughs, have great debates and he's a very interesting guy who I like to spend time with.

In the last few months, he's been setting up his own business. Financed by his mother primarily, but also other relatives. In all fairness to him, it's a great venture and he's very talented. It's going to be some months yet till he starts taking a salary out of it.

I'm very supportive of the business. Whether it's helping him wrap products, designing packaging, designing the business card, helping towards the cost of little things, and I did 90% of his website which took me about 40 hours. I enjoyed it, don't get me wrong. I only get to see him weekends, obviously being long distance, and there will be the odd weekend I chose not to see him because I need time on my own or to see friends.

I finished working on his website the weekend, it took up most of my free weekend and didn't get it live till 1am sunday night. I was in work the next day and shattered on the monday morning.

Even last night I was giving advice to him on twitter and set that up too for him. I did a business degree a couple of years ago aswell as work experience so I can see why he wants my input.

I work full time and live on my own, i fork out the cost to do with travelling.

Needless to say I was relieved when the website was finally finished and everything was up and running. This weekend im going to see him and most of the weekend he will be at a market selling his product. It's exciting because he sold several of them last weekend and I said i didn't mind sitting with him on the stall Saturday and Sunday. To say ive been supportive and generous in my time is an understatement in my view. His mum has equally been very supportive in numerous aspects of the business operations.

I get home from work and look forward to relaxing. He calls me and we have a brief chat about the day and he says he's been looking at Twitter again and how to maximize it's benefits. Then he proceeds to ask me whether I will go through it tonight for an hour or so. I didn't want to do it because I feel like in all honesty he's asking too much at this point given ive done a lot already. He thinks im not excited about the business and said he needs all the support he can get and that my refusal to not help him is indicative of not being supportive or excited. I explained I wanted a night off just to zone out and had worked on the website all weekend. I further explained that i work full time and just want to chill out. He took this as a personal offence because I wont help him. I was very diplomatic when i explained things, but it didnt seem to wash with him. He got quite pissed off and said 'ive got things to do will speak to you later'.

I asked why he couldn't ask his best friend to help (artistic, creative, social media savy), who is on a career break at the moment, and he said he didnt want to, and wanted me because i've been there from the start. I didn't think that was fair and felt pretty exploited by his response.

Any money he has earned is being pumped back into the business, so in terms of taking a salary, that won't happen most likely for several months, maybe slightly longer. His family are definitely aware of how supportive ive been, but dont particularly want their subjective opinion as much as i love them like my own family.

I don't believe in giving to receive, but i pay for everything and have done for several months, even for the travel to go and see him, so I worry that resentment is going to start creeping in because he STILL feels im not giving enough.

I would genuinely appreciate your opinions, and what you would do in my shoes, if you had a similar situation with your boyfriend/girlfriend - taking into account that you do love them very much and are very well suited in most areas.

Thanks guys and girls.

(edited 8 years ago)

Reply 1

thegohst

7

He's taking the piss :noway:

tell him your happy to help when you can and that he should be more appreciative of what you've already done.

Reply 2

Sarah33UK

OP

Original post by thegohst

He's taking the piss :noway:

tell him your happy to help when you can and that he should be more appreciative of what you've already done.

He says he is appreciative and understands that i work full time etc, but then goes straight back to 'i need all the support I can get'.

He's making me feel bad about myself/guilty. I don't know whether as a girlfriend, I am being supportive enough and should continue to do so. I'm emotionally knackered in all honesty. It's the whole ROI concept, how long do you commit to it before you have crossed the line of 'too much'?

Reply 3

Zechs

14

It sounds to me like you are a very nice lady, overly nice and dating a prick who has everything handed to him and you are being his lapdog. If you enjoy being his lapdog continue seeing him.

Reply 4

william walker

3

I would say this is what a relationship is all about. You should support him as you have been doing. At the same time though he should have able to understand and just give you some time to yourself. To be honest he is being selfish. It would obviously stay with him as he is trying to improve himself. However he is starting to do it at your expense. So you need to meet him and explain.

Reply 5

Sarah33UK

OP

Original post by william walker

I would say this is what a relationship is all about. You should support him as you have been doing. At the same time though he should have able to understand and just give you some time to yourself. To be honest he is being selfish. It would obviously stay with him as he is trying to improve himself. However he is starting to do it at your expense. So you need to meet him and explain.

Thank you for your response which has been approached with logic and maturity. No disrespect to the other posters who have been more candid with their responses.

I see that he is trying to improve himself and hence explains why i have been supportive in the capacity i have. At what point though do i say, enough is enough you're taking liberties? Where is that line between ive done more than enough to, being a lapdog as someone else pointed out? I feel it is at my expensive because i am getting nothing in return other than his company and his affection. It's my birthday in a couple of months and i would love to do something special like, have a night away somewhere, which i have prepared to pay for (my last birthday was pretty awful and he was asking me to loan him some money on the day of my birthday), so i dont want this birthday to be tainted by negativity again.

Rock and hard place comes to mind.

Im not expecting materialistic offers of gratitude, but even a sausage roll or a massage would be really appreciated to be honest, lol. I dont ask for much. It's got to the point where, if he makes me a cup of coffee in the morning, i really appreciate it and think it's nice of him. It is, but its showing that i appreciate even little things.

(edited 8 years ago)

Reply 6

william walker

3

Original post by Sarah33UK

Thank you for your response which has been approached with logic and maturity. No disrespect to the other posters who have been more candid with their responses.

I see that he is trying to improve himself and hence explains why i have been supportive in the capacity i have. At what point though do i say, enough is enough you're taking liberties? Where is that line between ive done more than enough to, being a lapdog as someone else pointed out? I feel it is at my expensive because i am getting nothing in return other than his company and his affection. It's my birthday in a couple of months and i would love to do something special like, have a night away somewhere, which i have prepared to pay for (my last birthday was pretty awful and he was asking me to loan him some money on the day of my birthday), so i dont want this birthday to be tainted by negativity again.

Rock and hard place comes to mind.

Im not expecting materialistic offers of gratitude, but even a sausage roll or a massage would be really appreciated to be honest, lol. I dont ask for much. It's got to the point where, if he makes me a cup of coffee in the morning, i really appreciate it and think it's nice of him. It is, but its showing that i appreciate even little things.

It seems to be a lack of emotional understanding or connection on his part. You need to make him understand how you feel and how you are thinking. You can't leave him, but I the same time you can't continue with things as they are. So you need to either get away from him for a week or two just to calm down and maybe things improve after that. Or you need to meet him and talk to him. However you can't be having to talk to your boyfriend every time you have an issue, he should just be able to feel you and understand your situation without you having to tell him.

Reply 7

hihihihihi

18

Your boyfriend sounds like a ****.

Reply 8

StudentGod168

2

Women are always the rock in a relationship. Men are blind to see it. Sometimes we are so self-focused and blind to how much our partners put into a relationship and to the business. I have started up a business with the wife, and without her, it wouldnt be successful. When Im really busy or stressed, I forget how important she is. But as a woman, you have much higher tolerance threshold, and much better and dealing with emotions.

So be a great woman, like a lot of other woman, and stand by your man. You will juggle, your life, his business, and families and friends, like a great woman would.

Reply 9

hopeforthebest1

5

Ahhh.... I typed a looong response but my computer crashed.

Bottom line is this: You sound like a great girlfriend but you have inadvertently created this situation by being such a great girlfriend.

You have obviously been there any and every time he has asked you and that is now his norm. Your generosity, whereas I'm sure he appreciates it, is kind of expected at this point. In his world in order to show you are 'excited' and 'supportive' about his new venture means you need to be there available to him to do what he needs whenever he decides. I think it is time for you to sit down with him and redefine your role. Being 'supportive' only requires you to listen and emotionally encourage him in his own endeavors but since you are doing much more than that he needs to be genuinely appreciative of what you have done and continue to do. If you need to take some time away to relax, regroup or even if you don't want to continue to work directly with him in his new business he needs to respect your wishes!! It sounds like at this point when he doesn't get what he wants from you he starts trying to make you feel guilty so he'll get what he wants (has that worked for him in the past - I am guessing it has). The truth is that he's not being supportive of you!! A relationship is a two-way street and he needs to be understanding and supportive that you work full-time and can't work on his business every time he feels he has a need or thinks something could be improved. That twitter page could have waited a day or so to be done to give you a break or he could have asked his friend. You are running the risk, as you said, of becoming very resentful and having a blowup that could lead to a break up. He seems to at this point expect a lot from you but is he respecting you in return?

Honestly, if he can't see your perspective then you will need to really think about your relationship moving forward because he will be just using you as that lapdog and it will be like that for the as long as you're together. Sorry, but that is the risk.

I agree w/ william above but tsr wouldn't let me 'like' his comment.

Good luck and let us know what happens!

Reply 10

Tiger Rag

22

Original post by Sarah33UK

He says he is appreciative and understands that i work full time etc, but then goes straight back to 'i need all the support I can get'.

But why does that help just have to be from you? Your life foesn't revolve around him.

Reply 11

Anonymous #1

He's probably just too obsessed with his new venture with it being the first sign of success for him for quite some time so that he can't see the wood for the trees.

The ideal scenario is that you would talk to him and explain how you feel but it sounds like you've already tried that.

The slightly easier and more selfish approach would just be to tell him that you're busy with XYZ so you can't help him tonight or whenever so that you can arrange the time when you want to help him. You obviously are willing to help him to a certain (and large) degree so I'm not sure if it's worth causing a huge fight about it.

Reply 12

username47781

20

I would say you are being really nice and helpful for him, just hope he thanks you for all the help you give him.

Reply 13

SophieSmall

21

Talk to him again, if that doesn't work and he is still unable to see how unfairly he is behaving. Show him this thread. Sometimes it's easier to see and understand things when they're written down, as there is no one to argue with, just words on a screen.

Reply 14

Thickfreakness

7

I can relate to your story in a way. Firstly, you've done absolutely nothing wrong here. You've been extremely generous and selfless. You've put so much effort into the relationship, for his sake, for his benefit. His problem is that he isn't appreciative. He seems to have completely forgotten about all the fuel money you spent to go see him, all the time you spent travelling to see him, all the hours you've put into the website, the hours you've already put into setting up his social media...he seems to have forgotten about all the time and money you've spent on him so far, instead he's focussing on this one thing. He's inconsiderate in this situation because he doesn't understand your need to have a break and take time for yourself. Instead, he interprets your need for a break as you not caring about him and not doing enough for him. Which is absolutely ridiculous. Has he spent money and time to travel to see you every weekend? Has he dedicated 40 hours to creating a website for you? You have a full time job, you need time to relax and unwind. If he's willing to forget about all the effort, time and money you've dedicated to him, then it's a real shame. It's sad, some people just don't appreciate effort, time and money that is spent on them. I had almost exactly the same issue with my girlfriend, some people will completely forget about everything you've done for them and will then around and say to you that you don't care about them and that you're not doing enough. It's sad.

To say that's he's being extremely inconsiderate, childish and unappreciative a is an understatement. Now, I can't say if he's exploiting you. Maybe the problem is that you do tomorrow much for him, the things you do for him are what you'd expect from a family member or a spouse, not a girlfriend. You conditioned him to expect everything from you, he expects you to always spend your time and money on him and if you don't always spend lots of time and money on him, even for an instant, then he'll feel upset. This is the hallmark of an unappreciative person. They forget everything you've done for them. He's thinking "she doesn't want to help me now, that means she doesn't care about me, she's not doing enough". Instead, what he should be thinking is "wow, I'm so lucky to have a girlfriend who spends so much of her time and money to visit me every week, I'm so lucky to have a girlfriend who spent 40 hours to create a website for me and who has stood by me at every turn and supported my ambitions all the time". He sees only what he chooses to see. What are you actually getting out of this relationship? What does he do for you? Seems like you're the one who's making all the effort while he's failing to appreciate what you do for him.

Reply 15

Sarah33UK

OP

Original post by Thickfreakness

I can relate to your story in a way. Firstly, you've done absolutely nothing wrong here. You've been extremely generous and selfless. You've put so much effort into the relationship, for his sake, for his benefit. His problem is that he isn't appreciative. He seems to have completely forgotten about all the fuel money you spent to go see him, all the time you spent travelling to see him, all the hours you've put into the website, the hours you've already put into setting up his social media...he seems to have forgotten about all the time and money you've spent on him so far, instead he's focussing on this one thing. He's inconsiderate in this situation because he doesn't understand your need to have a break and take time for yourself. Instead, he interprets your need for a break as you not caring about him and not doing enough for him. Which is absolutely ridiculous. Has he spent money and time to travel to see you every weekend? Has he dedicated 40 hours to creating a website for you? You have a full time job, you need time to relax and unwind. If he's willing to forget about all the effort, time and money you've dedicated to him, then it's a real shame. It's sad, some people just don't appreciate effort, time and money that is spent on them. I had almost exactly the same issue with my girlfriend, some people will completely forget about everything you've done for them and will then around and say to you that you don't care about them and that you're not doing enough. It's sad.

To say that's he's being extremely inconsiderate, childish and unappreciative a is an understatement. Now, I can't say if he's exploiting you. Maybe the problem is that you do tomorrow much for him, the things you do for him are what you'd expect from a family member or a spouse, not a girlfriend. You conditioned him to expect everything from you, he expects you to always spend your time and money on him and if you don't always spend lots of time and money on him, even for an instant, then he'll feel upset. This is the hallmark of an unappreciative person. They forget everything you've done for them. He's thinking "she doesn't want to help me now, that means she doesn't care about me, she's not doing enough". Instead, what he should be thinking is "wow, I'm so lucky to have a girlfriend who spends so much of her time and money to visit me every week, I'm so lucky to have a girlfriend who spent 40 hours to create a website for me and who has stood by me at every turn and supported my ambitions all the time". He sees only what he chooses to see. What are you actually getting out of this relationship? What does he do for you? Seems like you're the one who's making all the effort while he's failing to appreciate what you do for him.

Thanks for taking the time to reply, it means a lot when people write as much as you have done.

You've hit the nail on the head really, in that i've conditioned him, without realising, to expect everthing from me. That statement alone has made me realise that i've set the bar too high by being so reliable to him. What I find particularly frustrating is his lack of empathy or awareness of just how much i've done for him. He said something to me last night in an argument which upset me the most, he said, 'you've completedly disregarded my business'. How can he say that to me? To say i was upset is an understatement. I've spent most of today just numb and ambivalent - and I know when i speak to him tonight he'll be more ar5ed about what i can do for his business than how i am.

I think this is now the reality as it stands. His business will be his main focus now, and our relationship will take second place. He said he is doing all this so we can have a better life together, which I do believe he has good intentions, but at what cost? I'll end up being his executive assistant more than his girlfriend. He wamts me to quit my job and home (neither are permanent), and move up to where he lives (living with his parents), to help him grow the business. He makes it sound like its the easiest thing in the world to do. I wouldn't have any money, wouldnt be able to buy things for myself anymore, or generate the opportunity to save for a weekend away or a holiday. The control would be in his hands. That scares the 5**** out of me. It's not like he's already established and I could be financially supported.

His mum (whom I am very close to), apparently said (his words, so will take it with a pinch of salt), that she doesnt understand what the issue is if its working towards something for us both. That made me feel bad.

How can someone be so blind sided by generosity? I think this is my fault all along because ive been so overly reliable that he expects nothing less. Shot myself in the foot.

That is the question I am asking myself right now - what am I getting out of this? I try to think objectively in that, are my expectations unrealistic? We all have expectations of people, jobs, friendships, etc, that are these expectations too high, because if they are, we're setting ourselves up for dissapointment.

If I reallllyyyyy look into the relationship and ask myself what I get from my boyfriend, it's, his company (I enjoy his company), his affection, sex (pretty obvious one), he wants us to have a future together by getting a house (to be expected in relationships) and that's it if im being honest. I dont get any financial or material value (never go for meals or the pictures, but if we happen to, i pay). We don't do what most other couples do - holidays, day trips, meals, nights out.

Ive just spoken to him then and he's banging on about what needs to be done. You know, i was enthusiastic and excited at one point, i really was (probably when i finished the website), but as soon as he started almost demanding i commit some time every night and that 'things dont stop just because you finished the website',i completely lost my enthusiasm. Bit like when you work for a boss, when he starts demanding more things from you with little appreciation. That's what ultimately motivates people to look for another job (im not insinuating anything there). My point being, when he begin to have no choice in a matter, and are told to do things - that changes attitudes massively. He even had the cheek to say to me last weekend, 'so what else are you doing other than sitting on your own watching Narcos, that you cant help me with...'.To that effect. I blew my top and said it was none of his f-ing business what i get up to in my time and whatever i chose to do is not up for question by anyone.

Sounds all positive doesn't it. I think i've lost my spirit now. Im like one of them china dolls all fractured after prolonged ownership, and one more hairline fracture and it's broken. I feel like that now.

Thanks once again for your post, i have taken everything on board what you have said and you're spot on with every sentence, it's almost like you know me and how things are. It's very kind of you to be empathetic, a trait nowadays that seems more like gold dust in folks...

Reply 16

Tiger Rag

22

I may have missed this; but what are you getting out of this? it's not as if you're doing 5 minutes here and there for him.

Reply 17

Sarah33UK

OP

Original post by OU Student

I may have missed this; but what are you getting out of this? it's not as if you're doing 5 minutes here and there for him.

I have asked myself this question - the answer most likely companionship, presence, someone who likes to talk about the future and involve me in it.

It's hard to make friends these days who you want to speak to everyday and equally who calls you every day. I don't have a strong family background, nor a presence of one in my life at the moment, so he is the only constant figure in my life whom I have shared my life with.

I hear your point - I probably get less than what others get from their partners. Im hoping that soon enough, he will get himself financially sorted, then things will be ok. When you have invested so much into something, you don't want to give it up because you feel it was all for nothing.