Could someone please mark my GCSE english lang paper 1 Q5 answer ?
The question was: Write a description of an old person as suggested by this picture:
His face was withered with time. Battered, bruised and wrinkled from years upon years of life- his grey wiry hairs intertwined with one another weaving together a story of their own. The pleats on his skin seemed soft, perfectly placed yet full of emotion, lines above his brow carved into his skin from years of relentless yearning, stripes above his mouth from years of happiness- his face was a map of his life etched in section by section, scratched out from nothingness and now worn like a badge of honour.
When your joints have stiffened and you are too frail to walk, too weak to open your mouth and too fragile to defend yourself; know that you have conquered life and all its twists and turns. Know that each mark, scar and scratch is uniquely yours. Know that your eyes tell your story. His eyes certainly did. They were deep and downturned, almost sympathetic but somehow guarded. Years and years of emotion held inside of them, emotion that will follow him to his last days. They were the only thing on his face which carried no physical signs of ageing, lightly glossed over and slightly squinted due to the sunlight peeking onto his face.
Occasionally, he would smile or say a few words. His voice was hoarse, almost transparent but still surviving. Each word was spoken carefully and never out of turn, and as he exhaled through his mouth each breath seemed like a sigh of relief- thankful that this one was not his last. As he inhaled, the hairs on his upper lip and nose twitched with the passing air. He sneezed as the fibres irritated his nose. The mans facial hairs were long, as if they hadn’t been trimmed in a long time. Possibly, he liked the thick layer of fur which crept along his face and masked his mouth.
Possibly he hated it.
They say eyes are the window to the soul, his soul had certainly heard a million stories and seen a million things. The sadness that tinged his eyes hinted that his soul was ready to move from his body and take him on a new adventure. Time had finally taken its toll on him.
His face was withered with time. Battered, bruised and wrinkled from years upon years of life- his grey wiry hairs intertwined with one another weaving together a story of their own. The pleats on his skin seemed soft, perfectly placed yet full of emotion, lines above his brow carved into his skin from years of relentless yearning, stripes above his mouth from years of happiness- his face was a map of his life etched in section by section, scratched out from nothingness and now worn like a badge of honour.
When your joints have stiffened and you are too frail to walk, too weak to open your mouth and too fragile to defend yourself; know that you have conquered life and all its twists and turns. Know that each mark, scar and scratch is uniquely yours. Know that your eyes tell your story. His eyes certainly did. They were deep and downturned, almost sympathetic but somehow guarded. Years and years of emotion held inside of them, emotion that will follow him to his last days. They were the only thing on his face which carried no physical signs of ageing, lightly glossed over and slightly squinted due to the sunlight peeking onto his face.
Occasionally, he would smile or say a few words. His voice was hoarse, almost transparent but still surviving. Each word was spoken carefully and never out of turn, and as he exhaled through his mouth each breath seemed like a sigh of relief- thankful that this one was not his last. As he inhaled, the hairs on his upper lip and nose twitched with the passing air. He sneezed as the fibres irritated his nose. The mans facial hairs were long, as if they hadn’t been trimmed in a long time. Possibly, he liked the thick layer of fur which crept along his face and masked his mouth.
Possibly he hated it.
They say eyes are the window to the soul, his soul had certainly heard a million stories and seen a million things. The sadness that tinged his eyes hinted that his soul was ready to move from his body and take him on a new adventure. Time had finally taken its toll on him.
Wow!
I would give this piece 36-37/40.
Absolutely loved how you structured your description and breaking up paragraphs to draw attention to detail. At the start, I enjoyed how you used a lot of detail to guide me through each part of the man’s face, you really took ‘show not tell’ to its full potential. I would say, the only thing holding you back is - it kind of felt a little bit rushed at the end. Don’t get me wrong, I lived the message at the end. But I feel like it was so heightened with so much description and then at the end it kind of flattened. Still it’s good and one of the best pieces I’ve read.
Well done!
I would give this piece 36-37/40.
Absolutely loved how you structured your description and breaking up paragraphs to draw attention to detail. At the start, I enjoyed how you used a lot of detail to guide me through each part of the man’s face, you really took ‘show not tell’ to its full potential. I would say, the only thing holding you back is - it kind of felt a little bit rushed at the end. Don’t get me wrong, I lived the message at the end. But I feel like it was so heightened with so much description and then at the end it kind of flattened. Still it’s good and one of the best pieces I’ve read.
Well done!
Hey, just passed this onto my mom who's a AQA GCSE English Language teacher. she's given you the following feedback 
Overall, your description demonstrates a good use of descriptive language and imagery to paint a vivid picture of the elderly man. Here are some specific aspects to consider:
Imagery and Descriptive Language: Your use of descriptive language effectively captures the physical appearance of the man and his experiences. You effectively convey his aged appearance, the intertwined wiry hairs, and the lines on his face that tell a story. The description of his eyes as deep, downturned, sympathetic, and guarded adds depth to his character.
Emotion and Theme: You successfully convey the theme of aging and the passage of time through the man's physical features and the emotions they evoke. The description of the lines above his brow from relentless yearning and the stripes above his mouth from years of happiness effectively conveys the emotional journey of his life.
Sentence Structure and Variety: Your sentences are generally well-constructed and flow smoothly. Consider incorporating a mix of sentence lengths and structures to add variety and enhance the overall rhythm and pacing of your description.
Development of Ideas: Your description starts with a focus on the man's face and then transitions to his eyes, voice, and facial hair. While these details provide a comprehensive portrayal of the character, you could further develop the transitions between these aspects to create a more cohesive flow.
Show, Don't Tell: Instead of explicitly stating that the man's soul was ready to move from his body and take him on a new adventure, consider using more nuanced language and imagery to allow the reader to draw that conclusion themselves. Show the reader the emotions and actions that indicate his readiness for a new journey.
Overall, your description effectively conveys the physical appearance, emotions, and themes related to aging. With some minor adjustments, such as varied sentence structure and refined transitions, you can enhance the impact and cohesiveness of your writing. Great job!
Based on the band descriptors provided, it seems that your description falls within the Level 4 range. Here are the characteristics of Level 4:
Upper Level 4 (22-24 marks):
Communication is convincing and compelling.
Tone, style, and register are assuredly matched to purpose and audience.
Extensive and ambitious vocabulary with sustained crafting of linguistic devices.
Varied and inventive use of structural features.
Writing is compelling, incorporating a range of convincing and complex ideas.
Fluently linked paragraphs with seamlessly integrated discourse markers.
Lower Level 4 (19-21 marks):
Communication is convincing.
Tone, style, and register are convincingly matched to purpose and audience.
Extensive vocabulary with conscious crafting of linguistic devices.
Varied and effective structural features.
Writing is highly engaging with a range of developed complex ideas.
Consistently coherent use of paragraphs with integrated discourse markers.
Based on the provided excerpt of your description, it demonstrates compelling communication with a good command of language and imagery. However, without the full context of your complete response, it is challenging to accurately determine the exact mark you would receive. Remember that the final mark also depends on other factors, such as consistency throughout the entire piece and adherence to the specific assessment objectives and criteria.
Overall, your description demonstrates a good use of descriptive language and imagery to paint a vivid picture of the elderly man. Here are some specific aspects to consider:
Imagery and Descriptive Language: Your use of descriptive language effectively captures the physical appearance of the man and his experiences. You effectively convey his aged appearance, the intertwined wiry hairs, and the lines on his face that tell a story. The description of his eyes as deep, downturned, sympathetic, and guarded adds depth to his character.
Emotion and Theme: You successfully convey the theme of aging and the passage of time through the man's physical features and the emotions they evoke. The description of the lines above his brow from relentless yearning and the stripes above his mouth from years of happiness effectively conveys the emotional journey of his life.
Sentence Structure and Variety: Your sentences are generally well-constructed and flow smoothly. Consider incorporating a mix of sentence lengths and structures to add variety and enhance the overall rhythm and pacing of your description.
Development of Ideas: Your description starts with a focus on the man's face and then transitions to his eyes, voice, and facial hair. While these details provide a comprehensive portrayal of the character, you could further develop the transitions between these aspects to create a more cohesive flow.
Show, Don't Tell: Instead of explicitly stating that the man's soul was ready to move from his body and take him on a new adventure, consider using more nuanced language and imagery to allow the reader to draw that conclusion themselves. Show the reader the emotions and actions that indicate his readiness for a new journey.
Overall, your description effectively conveys the physical appearance, emotions, and themes related to aging. With some minor adjustments, such as varied sentence structure and refined transitions, you can enhance the impact and cohesiveness of your writing. Great job!
Based on the band descriptors provided, it seems that your description falls within the Level 4 range. Here are the characteristics of Level 4:
Upper Level 4 (22-24 marks):
Communication is convincing and compelling.
Tone, style, and register are assuredly matched to purpose and audience.
Extensive and ambitious vocabulary with sustained crafting of linguistic devices.
Varied and inventive use of structural features.
Writing is compelling, incorporating a range of convincing and complex ideas.
Fluently linked paragraphs with seamlessly integrated discourse markers.
Lower Level 4 (19-21 marks):
Communication is convincing.
Tone, style, and register are convincingly matched to purpose and audience.
Extensive vocabulary with conscious crafting of linguistic devices.
Varied and effective structural features.
Writing is highly engaging with a range of developed complex ideas.
Consistently coherent use of paragraphs with integrated discourse markers.
Based on the provided excerpt of your description, it demonstrates compelling communication with a good command of language and imagery. However, without the full context of your complete response, it is challenging to accurately determine the exact mark you would receive. Remember that the final mark also depends on other factors, such as consistency throughout the entire piece and adherence to the specific assessment objectives and criteria.
Quick Reply
Related discussions
- GCSE Exam Discussions 2024
- english language - how to improve fast
- I’m rlly bad at English lit and lang
- how should i approach english language paper 1 (year 10 mock)
- Do they care how much you write English Lang Paper 1 Q5?
- gcse english language paper 1
- gyg gcse 2024!
- Where can I find pre written stories for Q5 paper 1 GCSEs English language please?
- AQA GCSE English Language Paper 2 (8700/2) - Monday 12th June [Exam Chat]
- English lang
- AQA GCSE English Language Paper 1 8700/1 - 18 May 2022 [Exam Chat]
- i got pretty good GCSEs, ask me anything
- Urgenttt
- GCSE Diary
- College entry criteria
- GCSE English
- GCSE English Language Study Group 2023-2024
- AQA GCSE English Language Paper 1 (8700/1) - Monday 5th June [Exam Chat]
- Mock results vs Actual GCSEs
- English gcse
Latest
Trending
Last reply 2 days ago
went from 3s to 9s with (literally) night before revision - ask me anythingGCSEs
59
Trending
Last reply 2 days ago
went from 3s to 9s with (literally) night before revision - ask me anythingGCSEs
59
