I feel guilty for reporting my friend

My friend, we’re all women, had been groping girls in nightclubs. Obviously if that was a man it would not be tolerated at all, yet she seems to have gotten away with it for a while without me knowing (since Halloween apparently according to other friends but we all thought it was a one off thing and because she was drunk). We’ve been out twice in the last week- both times she got too drunk- she has eating disorder so struggles a lot with mental health issues and has turned to alcohol as a coping mechanism. Anyway- the first night she forced herself onto a friend of a friend kissing them and had to be stopped by another friend- I didn’t know this because I was off with someone I met in the nightclub. The second night we went out, two girls came up to me and my friend telling us what our friend did (grabbed another woman’s breasts and made another one uncomfortable asking inappropriate questions). This is the point of which I feel guilty; we walked her home and told her what she did was wrong, we made sure she was home safe first, then we reported her to nightclub staff and she’s now been banned from her favourite nightclub and possibly every other one in out uni city. I feel awful and guilty but I do know what we did was right? Other friends said we did the right thing but I’m worried this friend will become even more mentally unstable. She’s agreed to go back into therapy and we’re taking space from her at the moment as everyone’s shocked by her behaviour. Earlier on the second night we went out she made me uncomfortable but I thought nothing of it- she was touching my back and ass throughout a drag performance at a nightclub and sort of cornered me in her flat at pre drinks when I was drinking my drink- she didn’t make any sexual advances per say but it certainly made me feel uncomfortable how close she had gotten.

Overall, I’m worried my friend will go off the rails more and that we overreacted? I think I know deep down it’s the right thing to do but I’m just worried. Thanks

Reply 1

rachelwilson18

3

Original post by Anonymous

My friend, we’re all women, had been groping girls in nightclubs. Obviously if that was a man it would not be tolerated at all, yet she seems to have gotten away with it for a while without me knowing (since Halloween apparently according to other friends but we all thought it was a one off thing and because she was drunk). We’ve been out twice in the last week- both times she got too drunk- she has eating disorder so struggles a lot with mental health issues and has turned to alcohol as a coping mechanism. Anyway- the first night she forced herself onto a friend of a friend kissing them and had to be stopped by another friend- I didn’t know this because I was off with someone I met in the nightclub. The second night we went out, two girls came up to me and my friend telling us what our friend did (grabbed another woman’s breasts and made another one uncomfortable asking inappropriate questions). This is the point of which I feel guilty; we walked her home and told her what she did was wrong, we made sure she was home safe first, then we reported her to nightclub staff and she’s now been banned from her favourite nightclub and possibly every other one in out uni city. I feel awful and guilty but I do know what we did was right? Other friends said we did the right thing but I’m worried this friend will become even more mentally unstable. She’s agreed to go back into therapy and we’re taking space from her at the moment as everyone’s shocked by her behaviour. Earlier on the second night we went out she made me uncomfortable but I thought nothing of it- she was touching my back and ass throughout a drag performance at a nightclub and sort of cornered me in her flat at pre drinks when I was drinking my drink- she didn’t make any sexual advances per say but it certainly made me feel uncomfortable how close she had gotten.

Overall, I’m worried my friend will go off the rails more and that we overreacted? I think I know deep down it’s the right thing to do but I’m just worried. Thanks

How many more other students could go off the rails if they are a victim of someone conveying they are merely objects? You absolutely did the right thing and need to quit the guilt bs and have harsh words with this "friend". Personally I have this kind of "friend" and wasted so many years by not dropping her like a ton of bricks. The only thing I don't regret is the fact I never had a saviour complex... if you don't want to drop her you do want to set boundaries and be firm with not letting those get violated. As for alcohol as a coping mechanism, it's a depressant and doesn't help. If she's a friend she will do pottery, art, movies and shopping with you instead and forgive you and make changes.

Reply 2

Admit-One

Universities Forum Helper

21

Yup, deffo the right thing to do. She has to understand that there were consequences for her actions and that her behaviour was deeply inappropriate.

Reply 3

Surnia

20

Agree that it was the right thing to do. You and your other friends should be able to go out and enjoy yourselves and, whilst you no doubt look out for each other, you shouldn't have your evening ruined by someone creating drama and needing a permanent chaperone to make sure they behave themselves.

I have a friend who would drink at home before going out with me, so 2 or 3 more drinks and she could be an absolute mess. After one particularly bad night I refused to socialise with her for the next 6 months until she sorted herself out, which she did. I did the setting boundaries bit when we subsequently went out until I was convinced she'd changed, like pacing her drinks.

If your friend reacts badly to all this, it is entirely on her; you've been good friends by reporting her and probably saving her from far worse than being banned from clubbing, like her being decked by someone or the police being involved for sexual assault.

I feel guilty for reporting my friend

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