Disclaimer: I have OCD and have been debilitated by my actions for the past week.
Four years ago, I got my sister to write my personal statement for me, because many others had help from relatives who were professional Doctors/consultants and my family persuaded me to give myself the best chance of getting in when competition is so fierce. I have been questioning whether my place is deserved despite the fact I rank in the 3rd decile consistently. My medical school said they don't even score personal statements in the application but you should still provide one that links to medicine, nonetheless.
I have been considering ablution; reporting myself to the medical school and explaining what I did. Medicine is my life's purpose and brings me so much joy and pride everyday. I sacrificed my teenage hood and early twenties to get where I am, and ablution would mean I lose it all. I would be devastated and would feel like a lost soul. But I would simultaneously feel like justice has been delivered. If I don't report myself, I must live with the uncertainty that I don't deserve to be here. I see my friends putting on their medical scrubs and I feel a spear through my heart as if I am an imposter. People tell me I am over-reacting, but then when I suggest self-reporting to the medical school, they immediately jump at me and tell me it's a terrible idea. This confirms I am not infact blowing it out of proportion.
I can't focus on anything but this dilemma. I know there is a 30% chance the medical school would expel me if i told them. Then I would have to carry on dishwashing for the rest of my life. I have been crying a lot recently because of this. Some of you may not be able to relate to this, so I use the analogy that I have cheated on the love of my life. Imagine cheating on your boyfriend or girlfriend in a drunk one-night stand and having to open up to her, risking the chance they will never be with you again. OR, keep it locked inside of you pretending it didn't happen.
My friends have been doing pills recently and I was going to try an empathogen to see if I could have some kind of realisation that solves this obsessive neurocircuitry. I wish I could sweep my action under the rug. I literally spent the last 8 years dedicating my life to academia, just to amount to nothing if the med school decide I don't deserve to be there.
What are your thoughts> Thanks.