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what do i do? answer is probably obvious to everyone else but me

hey everyone. just wanted to hear some external, objective perspectives of my current situation with my girlfriend, rather than what has been circulating my head repeatedly.

we met just over a year ago, and i began to like her pretty soon after. we started off as a situationship but then she didnt want to commit, but at that point i liked her enough that i asked her for an exclusive relationship, and she initially said no, but changed her mind after a while. we have been dating since then. recently, i have been thinking of breaking up, even though there is nothing wrong between us. i feel very guilty about this and i don't want to hurt her - her ex cheated on her before uni and she had a massive mental breakdown.

- when we first got together, i was in love with her personality - she isnt unattractive but is not my normal type (she knows this, we have made it a rule to be open about our feelings)
- she is affectionate and loving
- we do spend a lot of time together, but i dont find it special anymore, and it feels like i am just spending time with a friend
- we nearly broke up several months in but managed to talk things out

however, several thoughts have recently entered my mind
- firstly, there is a guy who asked her out on a date, towards the start, when we were in an exclusive relationship, but not officially dating - she said no because she liked me, but i know they still regularly see and call each other, snap each other etc.
- this is despite me telling her multiple times that it makes me uncomfortable and that i would rather she doesnt talk to him, but i dont want to control what she does
- i trust that she isnt cheating on me because of her strong stance after having being cheated on herself
- secondly, when we talk about our issues, we try to make changes to accommodate each others' preferences - e.g. she wanted me to do x, i tried to do x more, or if i wanted her to do x, she would try to do x
- there have been several things that i have wanted her to try and change, and mentioned several times, but each time she ends up forgetting or not putting into practice what she said she would do
- thirdly - at first i thought we were compatible in terms of personality, but now it is less so - this is probably my own fault for moving the relationship forward too fast
- fourthly, i dont want to be shallow, but she isnt my type as i mentioned above - normally i would never date someone like her but her personality was what made me fall in love. i have never been in a serious relationship before and i didnt know what i valued in a relationship.
- lastly, i dont feel any sort of "spark" or excitement when i see her - i am half developing a crush on another girl that i see regularly as part of my course teaching and feel really guilty about this since i already have my girlfriend

i feel that i might just be overly picky and making a big fuss over minor things, but i dont know :frown:

i feel guilty because i catch myself finding other girls pretty and comparing them to her, and for wanting to break up with her
she hasnt done anything wrong but i sometimes think i just dont love her anymore, but i dont want to completely destroy our relationship - if we were just friends things would be ok, since we are on the same course, and have a lot of mutual friends and interests.
im struggling to think how things would be better if we broke up, but at the same time im not happy with staying together
i would tell her about this but i havent found the right time yet - several of our friends' birthdays are coming up and so is christmas, and theres a lot of work from uni and events planned that we will both see each other at, and i dont want to overload her and make her break down when she is busy and cant afford to take time to heal

i really need advice on what to do - i know its less painful to break it off asap and reduce the suffering, but it is too close to christmas - my current plan is to wait until january, and until then, try and talk to her to fix whatever the hell is wrong with me or our relationship

Reply 1

Dunnig Kruger

There's no time like the present. Break up with her today. In as diplomatic a way as you possibly can.
Or tell her that the exclusivity is over. Which is pretty much the same as breaking up with her.

For your next relationship, lay off the trying to change the other person. If they want to change something about themselves fr the better then by all means support them in that. But otherwise accept them as they are. Nobody's perfect.

Also, next time, try to go on more mini-adventures as you hit the 2nd year of the relationship. The longer you're with someone, the more important it is that you do the sort of stuff that married men do with their secret girlfriends.

I don't blame you one bit for losing your attraction to her. If I were in your shoes I'd probably be thinking "Sweet girl. But not for me."

It's always a huge mistake to stay with someone because you'd feel guilty about hurting them.
One way to look a it is that you've had 370 wonderful days getting to know each other and then being sexual partners. And now she's going to have 3 to 37 bad days when you split up. That means that 90% to 99% of her days will have been good ones.