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GCSE Writing Piece Story Exemplar

Hi, just wondering if someone could offer me a mark out of 40 and any feedback for this story using the Eduqas mark scheme.

My Story:

Deafening shrieks of help echoed around the entire countryside as a malicious man took off down the field, tightly clutching a bag full of money. Clouds began to form overhead, as I took one glance over at the startled family, my legs began pulsing as if to tell me I had to help. Gaining speed, large droplets of rain began crashing into my head, whilst the wind surged powerfully, nearly casting me off my feet. A mix of sweat and rain trickled down my face, drenching my clothes as I kept moving. The thief’s silhouette hastily approached a forest, and with little hesitation, leapt inside.

Instantly, rain stopped, and wind eased. Thick thorns scraped across my arms like knives, as I followed into the dense blanket of trees and bushes lying ahead. Pioneering further into the abyss, I could sense an obscure change in atmosphere, as the thick, misty air around me began to feel lighter. The deafening silence gave way to a cluster of sound and the soft, bumpy hills began to flatten out. Scarred and bruised, I emerged on the other side of the traumatic wilderness to find myself on the peak of a hill neighbouring a thick blanket of urbanisation. The only thing I could make out from distance was a melancholy memorial labelled with a sign that shook my being to the core.

“World War III Fallen Soldiers.”

My mind began racing. I had to get out. Panicked, I turned back, only to find a solid marble wall, spanning as far as the eye could see, planted to prevent my escape.

Soon after, a buzz above me grasped my attention, soaring in the sky, a pack of teenagers riding with what looked to me like skateboards. Gliding around like a perfectly coherent flock of birds entertaining the commoners below. Dread flooded my mind, as I remembered my unknowing loving family eagerly awaiting my return, back at home, back in time.

As I rushed through the peaceful streets looking for a return to my natural life, I spotted a library, blinding me with beams of light bouncing off its shiny exterior. I hurried in. Greeting me at the door was a peculiar, wheeled machine, that suddenly began interrogating me with questions, as if I were some sort of criminal on the loose. Its high-pitched, robotic voice left me feeling uneasy, as it invited me to read the brand-new rendition of Harry Potter, written by the descendants of J.K Rowling. The robot handed me a tablet, thinner and lighter than paper, presenting me with options of library rooms I could be teleported to. ‘2028 Korean War Artefacts’ and ‘The Collapse of Mount Everest’ were the first two options to strike me with anxiety. Anger immediately began flooding my brain, filling my body from head to toe as I stormed past the metallic worker into the library, in search of answers. I wanted to go back, back to my own time, back to my own life. Far, far away from the menacing new reality I had stumbled upon.

Empty, nothing was to be seen inside the building. Four tall walls, miles apart and blank. Nothing on the floors, and the roof up in the clouds. Unhinged and bewildered, I sank to my knees and began bellowing out helplessly as I lost all hope for any return. My heart shattered into millions of pieces as my vision blurred behind swells of tears. My body felt weak as I was left with a strange sense of failure, radiating out of from deep inside of me. How did I get here? What must my family be thinking? Could I ever return home safely? All questions I had no method of getting answers to. I was alone.

A booming thud abruptly interrupted my moment of despair. A large silhouette loomed over my broken body as not long after, a stern hand tapped on my right shoulder. Before giving me time to turn, I caught a glance of money slowly spilling out of a large midnight duffle bag placed on my left. A shining sensation began seeping down my spine like shards of glass from a beer bottle, as I swiftly sensed, my fate had arrived.

Mark Scheme:

Page 13
https://revisionworld.com/sites/revisionworld.com/files/imce/a20-C700U10-1-ms.pdf

(edited 1 year ago)

Reply 1

Matilda9121

This is good piece of work, but based on the Marks Scheme provided, I think I'd probably assess the piece in the following way:

- AO5 Communication and Organisation: Band 4 (15-19 marks)

The writing is clearly controlled and coherent (plot and characterisation show convincing detail and some originality and imagination)
The writing is clearly organised (narrative is purposefully shaped and developed)
Structure and grammatical features are used accurately to support cohesion and coherence
Communication shows some ambition and conveys precise meaning

- AO6 Vocabulary, Sentence Structure, Spelling and Punctuation: Band 3 (10-14 marks)

The writing demonstrates mostly secure control of sentence construction, spelling, punctuation, tense and agreement
There is some range of vocabulary, but it is beginning to develop and is used with some precision

Overall, the piece of writing shows some skill and promise, with convincing plot and characterisation that are well-organised and supported by accurate use of structure and grammatical features. Communication is clear, but the in the end the range of vocabulary and use of language is somewhat limited, so the piece of writing falls within the range of Band 3-4. :smile: