how do we make 23 and 18 work

hes gonna be 24 in may 31st and ive just turned 18 . how do we navigate this properly ?

you realise he was a legal adult when you were 12, acknowledge that a 6 year age gap during a period where you are both still growing up is very large, talk to someone you trust, and see if you wish to pursue the relationship

Reply 2

username5955039

Original post by Anonymous

hes gonna be 24 in may 31st and ive just turned 18 . how do we navigate this properly ?

If it’s not a age gap of a year or two between you don’t pursue the relationship.

Reply 3

Ghostlady

Original post by Anonymous

hes gonna be 24 in may 31st and ive just turned 18 . how do we navigate this properly ?

First of all take your time, dont rush things, get to know each other properly and see if you are on the same level. If come in a few months time you just keep getting stronger and stronger then you have a great base to continue on your relationship. Peoples levels of maturity in relationships are different no matter what age you are. But for now, leave it to dating and dont jump in head first.

For the poster saying you was 12 and he was an adult. You are not 12 now. You are an adult now also. And the poster saying if more than a year forget it, thats just rubbish. More than a year does not make you have a huge relationship maturity difference.

Re parents/guardians, depends on how they see things. If theres like a huge gap, then there might be concerns or reservations to start with. This is why you need to take your time. 6 years its not too much, but you are only 18, so you might not have had much in the way of relationship experience and how to handle certain situations. This is another reason why to take your time.

Reply 4

CatInTheCorner

Original post by Ghostlady

For the poster saying you was 12 and he was an adult. You are not 12 now.

I know that, I am aware of how time works, I mean that an 18 year old is barely out of 6th form, a nearly 24 year old has been in the workforce for 3 years, or has finished their undergrad and is pursuing a masters. There is a massive difference in experience, and that usually lends to maturity.

Reply 5

Ghostlady

Original post by CatInTheCorner

Each person is very different. You could have someone fresh out of 6th form with no relationship experience, or someone fresh out of 6th form, thats had a couple of relationships already. Likewise with the 24 year old. They might not have dated before. The 18 year old could be a parent already, or the 24 year old has not worked in 2 years. The 24 year old might like cards against humanity where the 18 year might like antiques roadshow. Theres just a lot of variables between people. There could be so much between them that makes them work well together, or perhaps not. Thats why its so important not to rush things.

Reply 6

Anonymous #2

Original post by Anonymous

hes gonna be 24 in may 31st and ive just turned 18 . how do we navigate this properly ?

please break up with him the age gap is way too big when you’re so young

Reply 7

ageshallnot

Original post by Anonymous

hes gonna be 24 in may 31st and ive just turned 18 . how do we navigate this properly ?

By communicating.

Reply 8

CatInTheCorner

Original post by Ghostlady

Very true, but generally speaking, most 18 year olds are not parents and have less relationship experience than someone in their mid 20s. I wish OP all the best, I'm just trying to encourage them to speak to someone they trust to see if maybe issues might come up that they hadn't anticipated

Reply 9

IcEmAn911

Original post by Anonymous

please break up with him the age gap is way too big when you’re so young

What if he's 34 and she's 28? Would you still be telling her to break up?

Reply 10

Anonymous #3

As an 18 year old (still in sixth form) I would agree with the person who said take this slowly and as it comes. Yes you are an adult and you have all your adult rights but there is such a power gap, understanding gap and basically life gap with someone that much older. And it is very easy to be controlled or manipulated without realising it.

Though honestly if one of my friends (we're all 18 in yr 13) I'd probably be against it and think it's strange you'd even enter a relationship with someone that much older knowing the power dynamic that will show during the relationship. I'd probably tell her the 23 y/o is preying on the fact she is younger and likely isn't as experienced as him and he may use that to his advantage under the mist of "love" or "attraction".

Do what makes you happy but be smart about it.

Reply 11

PinkMobilePhone

Volunteer Team

Two adults with a pretty minimal age gap - why wouldn't it work?

Reply 12

xx.piercedbat.x

I am also in the same boat as you. I'm not going to lie to you it is going to be really really hard, especially with society being the way it is. you are going to be judged and looked down upon and you need to be ready for that. Not everybody is going to agree with the 6 year age gap. I'm telling you this because sometimes it's easy to forget. what me and my boyfriend did (18F, 24M) was sat down and spoke about the whole situation and prepared ourselves so to speak about what others are going to say. we agreed and promised that no matter what we would not let it break up our relationship. I am so glad that I stuck with my gut and pursued the relationship because honestly he makes me so happy and now I can't imagine my life without him. Thanks for us sitting and talking and communicating we are stronger than ever. i'm only telling you this so you know that it can work. As long as you keep a good communication line between you two and express your opinions on the matter then it will be alright. As long as there was no grooming or manipulation involved and you are not being forced to do anything you don't want to do (being controlled) then there really isn't a problem with your relationship. the best thing you can do is trust your gut and do what you think is best for you and your health. the only person that can choose what's best for you is you. 6 years is seriously not a worry if you are both understanding, mature adults. I was going to put this on anonymous but ill do it so you can see who I am so if you have any further questions or need advice you can always contact me :smile:

Original post by Anonymous

hes gonna be 24 in may 31st and ive just turned 18 . how do we navigate this properly ?

Reply 13

Conniestitution

I… wouldn’t recommend it in most cases. I think there’s a number of situations in which this can work out, but a lot where the power dynamic is far too different to be comfortable.

Someone who’s 24 has probably been to uni and been in the graduate workforce for over a year, or spent 6 years working out of school.
(or some combination / grad studies / etc.) They’ve likely lived independently and away from the home at some point in their life - and probably moved out for at least a couple of years. They probably have a full-time job or receive funding for full-time study - either way, they have an income to support themselves with. Meanwhile, your average new 18 year old is still in sixth form, still in mainstream schooling, and has never been able to have those independent experiences.

I don’t think 18 year olds are stupid children, far from it - but the amount of learning and growth you do when you start living independently is huge. I’ve seen myself adapt and thrive and grow so much confidence over the last few years. I don’t think my opinions have changed a huge amount and I’d probably make a lot of the same decisions - I think 18y/o me would be very happy to see me where I am now, and still relate - I just feel “older” and more like an adult. That’s the difference.

I’m 21 and genuinely wouldn’t feel comfortable dating someone who’s 18 right now. Some of my friends at uni just finished first year (so they’re all 19 now) and that’s the bare minimum I think could put us in the same place in life. That’s why I’m a bit concerned about 18 and 24 - I’m right in the middle of that, and confused as to how a 24 year old could see an 18 year old as an equal adult with equal footing and life experience.

(Also, the person who said “imagine dating a 12 year old” got dismissed a little unfairly. It’s not identical, age gaps matter less as you get older - that’s true - but they still do matter, especially at 18. So imagine that you’re dating a 15 year old instead. Maybe 14. Picture the struggles you had in Year 9/10 and place them as equally important to your life now - it’s obviously a bit different in perspective. Your Year 10 self wasn’t necessarily stupid or anything, they just feel younger - and that’s exactly the point.)

On top of all that, we also know that the brain doesn’t finish maturing until around 25. I reckon 25y/o me is going to think 21y/o me was a bit naïve and silly in a lot of ways, even if we’re pretty similar on the surface. That’s growing up for you! But it’s important to know this, because 18y/os aren’t suddenly fully mature and immune to manipulation or foolish mistakes just because you’ve hit the legal threshold of adulthood. Definitely remember you’re only starting to learn how to be an adult - you haven’t yet finished that course!

There’s situations where this kind of situation matters less, eg. maybe you met completely outside of educational and work environments in a social club and maybe the 24 year old hasn’t really got any adult life experience different to the 18 year old - been living at home and working part time like the sixth former may have been. If you add a few years - say 21 and 28 - the younger partner could have had a few years in the workforce learning adulthood, and the older partner could’ve done uni for an extended period of time so only have one year in work learning about that stuff. These kind of things can balance out the “power” dynamic - because you’re back on equal footing in terms of where you stand in life, what you’re learning to do, and what you want to do next.

I suppose my point is that you should consider where you are in life.

If you’re in similar situations (re: dependence on parents) and taking the same “next steps” in life, that’s the priority for equality in a relationship and age could be an aside. Talk to some trusted adults in your life - if it’s genuinely safe you shouldn’t be afraid to do so, because you’ll be confident initial obstacles will be moved past - have them assess the vibe, and go forward.

If you’re in vastly different life positions, there’s a clear power imbalance re: independence and income, you feel like they spoil you because they’re older, if the older partner calls you mature for your age and generally bigs you up like that, if you feel like it’s exciting but it’s something you ought to hide, and you don’t want to tell anyone about it because they’ll judge? …this is where we probably have an issue.

Basically, be careful. Your dynamic may work and there’s no way for us to know the details of that, but I think a lot of relationships with this age gap as young adults are fundamentally imbalanced - even if everyone genuinely had good intentions. (And unfortunately there’s lots of situations where someone didn’t have good intentions. :frown:

)

Obviously, this wouldn’t be a problem at all if it was 28 and 34! But I’d say you still need to think about age gaps of 3 years or more until the younger partner is at least 21 - so many life changes happen between 18-22ish, and they really matter!