Jealous sister- becoming abusive?
Hi,
I am really struggling with my sister at the moment. I know she is jealous of me: she has told me that and she has told my mum this too.
Backstory: when she was 14-15 she had plans to become a doctor and go to Oxford or Cambridge. And I believe she was smart enough to do it. However, at 16 she met her current boyfriend/husband. Now don’t get me wrong, I do feel sorry for her but he told her she wasn’t smart enough to go into medicine so she didn’t and she conformed to his worldview where women aren’t really valued.
Anyway, I got into Oxford and started in October. Since then, about once a month she will send me a barrage of abusive text messages saying I’m not smart enough to be at Oxford, why did they let me in, I should quit Oxford, move home and help my mum more etc. but this has now been going on for seven months and it is breaking me. I am disabled and she says I use this as a ‘huge excuse’ not to go home and clean my parents house (there are a lot of things I can’t do.)
When I do see her she makes snide remarks. Like my nephew asked me what the second fastest land animal was and I was thinking out loud saying ‘well the fastest is the cheetah…’ and she butted in so loudly ‘God you’re so smart no wonder you’re at Oxford.’
I have an appointment with my welfare officer at my college to talk all the through on Monday as I am so stressed and upset I haven’t been able to eat all weekend.
I am really struggling with my sister at the moment. I know she is jealous of me: she has told me that and she has told my mum this too.
Backstory: when she was 14-15 she had plans to become a doctor and go to Oxford or Cambridge. And I believe she was smart enough to do it. However, at 16 she met her current boyfriend/husband. Now don’t get me wrong, I do feel sorry for her but he told her she wasn’t smart enough to go into medicine so she didn’t and she conformed to his worldview where women aren’t really valued.
Anyway, I got into Oxford and started in October. Since then, about once a month she will send me a barrage of abusive text messages saying I’m not smart enough to be at Oxford, why did they let me in, I should quit Oxford, move home and help my mum more etc. but this has now been going on for seven months and it is breaking me. I am disabled and she says I use this as a ‘huge excuse’ not to go home and clean my parents house (there are a lot of things I can’t do.)
When I do see her she makes snide remarks. Like my nephew asked me what the second fastest land animal was and I was thinking out loud saying ‘well the fastest is the cheetah…’ and she butted in so loudly ‘God you’re so smart no wonder you’re at Oxford.’
I have an appointment with my welfare officer at my college to talk all the through on Monday as I am so stressed and upset I haven’t been able to eat all weekend.
First of all it i so sorry hear that it's not good between u n ur very own sister.
She need to understand for a person who Is just been in her life is important than her sister and herself.
N ya she is not the one who select/approves of student to study at Oxford, the management is there for that you know, N they found u eligible that why u have made it there, i mean not every one is that smart n lucky to get accepted at Oxford, my cousin brother has been trying to get there for 3-4 years now but he haven't been accepted yet....So moral of the story you sister is not the one who is qualified to tell u if u worst being at Oxford or not.....
N talking about Helping out ur parents, i think she(u sis) also do has a responsibility of taking out some time to help them out when every possible, and should show some maturity knowing the fact that u have got to study good to get good score at the end, specially when she herself choose the way of dropping her education n prioritising her husband and making family, so apparently she choose to be a homemaker why cannot she do the same for her own parents. (Just an opinion, not try to offend anyone or any form of willingness/keepblilities)
Well ya its not all her fault alone, she is jealous may be out of this regret of dropping of her education, not being able to do best of her ability, lossing her golden chance that she knew has her side....I think u should try n talk to her about this, may be comfort her, maybe thats it takes.
(My apologies if I may have crossed boundaries which talking on ur personal issue)
She need to understand for a person who Is just been in her life is important than her sister and herself.
N ya she is not the one who select/approves of student to study at Oxford, the management is there for that you know, N they found u eligible that why u have made it there, i mean not every one is that smart n lucky to get accepted at Oxford, my cousin brother has been trying to get there for 3-4 years now but he haven't been accepted yet....So moral of the story you sister is not the one who is qualified to tell u if u worst being at Oxford or not.....
N talking about Helping out ur parents, i think she(u sis) also do has a responsibility of taking out some time to help them out when every possible, and should show some maturity knowing the fact that u have got to study good to get good score at the end, specially when she herself choose the way of dropping her education n prioritising her husband and making family, so apparently she choose to be a homemaker why cannot she do the same for her own parents. (Just an opinion, not try to offend anyone or any form of willingness/keepblilities)
Well ya its not all her fault alone, she is jealous may be out of this regret of dropping of her education, not being able to do best of her ability, lossing her golden chance that she knew has her side....I think u should try n talk to her about this, may be comfort her, maybe thats it takes.
(My apologies if I may have crossed boundaries which talking on ur personal issue)
Original post by Anonymous
Hi,
I am really struggling with my sister at the moment. I know she is jealous of me: she has told me that and she has told my mum this too.
Backstory: when she was 14-15 she had plans to become a doctor and go to Oxford or Cambridge. And I believe she was smart enough to do it. However, at 16 she met her current boyfriend/husband. Now don’t get me wrong, I do feel sorry for her but he told her she wasn’t smart enough to go into medicine so she didn’t and she conformed to his worldview where women aren’t really valued.
Anyway, I got into Oxford and started in October. Since then, about once a month she will send me a barrage of abusive text messages saying I’m not smart enough to be at Oxford, why did they let me in, I should quit Oxford, move home and help my mum more etc. but this has now been going on for seven months and it is breaking me. I am disabled and she says I use this as a ‘huge excuse’ not to go home and clean my parents house (there are a lot of things I can’t do.)
When I do see her she makes snide remarks. Like my nephew asked me what the second fastest land animal was and I was thinking out loud saying ‘well the fastest is the cheetah…’ and she butted in so loudly ‘God you’re so smart no wonder you’re at Oxford.’
I have an appointment with my welfare officer at my college to talk all the through on Monday as I am so stressed and upset I haven’t been able to eat all weekend.
I am really struggling with my sister at the moment. I know she is jealous of me: she has told me that and she has told my mum this too.
Backstory: when she was 14-15 she had plans to become a doctor and go to Oxford or Cambridge. And I believe she was smart enough to do it. However, at 16 she met her current boyfriend/husband. Now don’t get me wrong, I do feel sorry for her but he told her she wasn’t smart enough to go into medicine so she didn’t and she conformed to his worldview where women aren’t really valued.
Anyway, I got into Oxford and started in October. Since then, about once a month she will send me a barrage of abusive text messages saying I’m not smart enough to be at Oxford, why did they let me in, I should quit Oxford, move home and help my mum more etc. but this has now been going on for seven months and it is breaking me. I am disabled and she says I use this as a ‘huge excuse’ not to go home and clean my parents house (there are a lot of things I can’t do.)
When I do see her she makes snide remarks. Like my nephew asked me what the second fastest land animal was and I was thinking out loud saying ‘well the fastest is the cheetah…’ and she butted in so loudly ‘God you’re so smart no wonder you’re at Oxford.’
I have an appointment with my welfare officer at my college to talk all the through on Monday as I am so stressed and upset I haven’t been able to eat all weekend.
Oh boy, can I relate to this! Over the years I have suffered quite a lot from jealousy, and it can just eat away at your soul. Your sister was particularly bright and could have gone to Oxford for medicine, however she met her future husband at 16 so she actively chose not to study hard and go there. Yes , the boyfriend’s attitude didn’t help, but I had a boyfriend like that, and because it was my ambition to go to uni, and I was sick of his passive aggressive comments about my intelligence, I dumped his sorry ass. Both my sons went to Oxford. I know from my youngest, who recently graduated for medicine, just how driven he had to be to get in ( I lost him to his computer when he was14). As he said, many people want to go to Oxford but they don’t want to do the work that goes with these pretty quads.
Now you, with your talent, drive and natural intelligence, have got that Oxford place that she could have maybe had if she had applied herself at 16 ( although it’s really tough to get in for medicine, no matter how clever you are). She sees you have got “ her place” which is not true.
You really must ignore those jealous jibes, as you have worked hard for your place. How she would love you to fail, considering those awful messages. Well, tough. You need to concentrate on your own future. See the welfare officer, and take all the help you can get. Make the most of the opportunities Oxford has given you and carve out the kind of future you deserve for yourself. Value friends who will stick by you. Kind people (yes, like you, who despite those messages, feel pity and empathy for your sister) receive good karma. You have a new life now so grab it with both hands. Soon you will leave your sister behind for a great career, possibly in another city ( an idea she hates, as you will get out of the housework!).
I know this because my brother admitted that he hated me all his life. This got worse when I got into university and not him and intensified when I married a doctor. Yes I suppose you can try and reason with her, but there is no cure for jealousy. I would just ignore her provocation like I did 40 years before you ( my entire family turned their back on me at one point). I have tried to make a better life without those who have tried to drag me down. As a result i have a very good relationship with my two children ( whom I have actively encouraged in their Oxford dreams and encouraged others on TSR to apply), decent friends and a job where I am loved and valued. I try not to look back, as it would be too painful.
I am soooo on your side here and my heart utterly goes out to you. Be strong. Your fate is not to help your mother at home, for goodness’ sake, and no, Oxford do not make mistakes when letting people in!
(edited 11 months ago)
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